


we can't function alone

by Sigrid_Magnus



Category: The Owl House (Cartoon)
Genre: Bisexual Disaster Luz Noceda, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay Disaster Amity Blight, Good Parent Eda Clawthorne, It's dark here, Lilith is Mom, Lumity is Endgame, Luz Noceda Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 111,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26871340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sigrid_Magnus/pseuds/Sigrid_Magnus
Summary: "I can't say with certainty when it happened. You were a thorn in my side; then one day I realized I'd make any sacrifices I needed to ensure your happiness, even if it meant my life."orThere's a war brewing; not only on the Isles, but in Luz as well. With the one person she least expected to be her guiding hand, Luz will unintentionally teach Lilith how to love again, while learning to navigate her life as she struggles to overcome the battle that is her mind.
Relationships: Amity Blight/Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne & Lilith Clawthorne, Lilith Clawthorne & Luz Noceda
Comments: 295
Kudos: 538





	1. fever dream

**Author's Note:**

> A few explanations will be at the end.

_Sniff_. Everything _ached_. _Luz_ ached. 

A cold sweat covered her entire body. The sheets clung uncomfortably to her overheated skin. Luz was _miserable_. She’d kick them off, let the chill in the air cool her skin, and then fumble to pull them back around her when the shivers racked her thin frame. Rinse and repeat. _Hours_ of the same motions. She was _so tired._ But sleep, unsurprisingly, abandoned her tonight. 

_Sniff_. _Cough_. 

Her head felt heavy as it limply lolled to the side; her eyes blankly staring at the dark screen of her phone on the nightstand. She reached over and hit the home icon. Nothing. Not a single sign of life. _Dead_ . Unsurprisingly, _again_ . She hit it again -hoping beyond hope that something would change _this time_ but disappointed all the same when _nothing_ happens- sighed, and stared up at the ceiling. _I’m sorry_ , _mami_. _Lo siento_ , _no pude estar allí_.

_Sniff_. 

Luz slowly sat up in bed. A dull throb was slowly building like waves in her head, which meant she needed to get _up_. Hydration, yes. _Mami always said to stay hydrated when you’re sick_. _Drink lots of water_. _Take the prescribed amount of medicine_. She twisted to set her feet on the floor and prop her elbows on her thighs, her head bent and held by the palms of her hands. They shook under the weight. Her body screamed to _stay_ _down_. 

_Sniff_. The floor was ice beneath her bare feet, and she just sat there in wretched defeat, the telltale sting of tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Her mouth moved but failed to voice any of the words clogged in the back of her throat. _Mami_? 

She wanted to _scream_. But only muffled noises bypassed her dried, chapped lips. _Mami_ , _por favor_ , _ayúdame_!

Luz was running on pure instinct now. Find comfort. Find _mami_.

//

 _Sniff_.

Lilith awoke reluctantly and _hot_.

The fog of unconsciousness began to fade slowly, and with it a single eye blinked open with sleepy effort, vision blurring in and out of focus. It was still quite dark in the room, the older woman observed. The only light came from the scattered rays of moonlight from the window. _At least_ , until she noticed the single ball of light that hovered on its own over her bed. _Wha_ -

_Ugh_ , _no_. She immediately dismissed the light spell, dreading having to _think_ on why it was _there_ in the first place. 

What _was_ important -to _her_ , at least- was the heat bearing down on her between her shoulder blades. It was _hot_ and _heavy_ and Lilith wanted it _off_. 

When she tried to roll off of her stomach, her hands braced under her chest to lift herself up, a sudden _whine_ cut through the silence of the darkened room. She froze midway up. More startlingly, the dead weight pinning her body down to the bed _moved_ with her. _Clinging_ tighter _to_ her. 

_Sniff_. 

Entire body stiff as a statue, a myriad of thoughts ran unfiltered through her mind. _King_? _Impossible_. She dismissed that option instantly. The little demon _always_ slept with the human at night, curled up at the end of her bed. _Edalyn_? _Most likely_. Her little sister _loved_ throwing herself across Lilith’s back when they were kids, demanding Lilith spend less time buried in her books and more on her latest prank. It certainly followed her into her adult years, _especially_ when she _knows_ Lilith hadn’t slept well the night before. (" _You can sleep when you’re dead, sis. We’ve got work to do_.”)

_Wait_. She recalled her sister wasn’t even meant to be home until morning. One of her sister’s suppliers had mentioned a seller who might have concocted a stronger elixir to contain their curse somewhere in the Night Market and left earlier this evening with the little demon. _Which leaves me with_ -

_Sniff_. “ _Lily_?”

_Oh._

It was _Luz_. 

It came to her with startling clarity. The human was lying on her side upon Lilith’s back, one of her hands clutched desperately to Lilith’s hip; short nails digging into her skin through both her nightshirt and sheets due to the older woman’s attempt to dislodge her. A glance over her shoulder confirmed the other hand held the girl’s own blanket against her heaving chest. Her face was buried between the woman’s shoulder blades, her hairline drenched in sweat. The source of the unbearable _heat_ , she thought absentmindedly. 

“What’s wrong?” The older woman asked, smokey and sluggish. After all, it wasn’t like the human to come to _her_ in the middle of the night. 

Well, _almost_. 

The girl made a non-committal noise. She moved her face away from between Lilith’s shoulders, inched up toward her neck, and reburied herself in the crook between her shoulder and neck, a little hum slipping past her lips as she settled down in her new spot. Utterly content to sniffle her little heart out right there it seemed. 

Lilith, on the other hand, was lost. _Still_.

Unaccustomed to affection, at least not with anyone who isn’t her sister, Lilith had little notion as to what the right move would be with the human. Luz isn’t _Edalyn_ , and her interactions with the human were still awkward, even two years after the incident which resulted in Lilith living in the same house as the girl. 

She’s _tried_. _Still_ trying. 

She’d argue they’re better at communication when the _others aren’t around_. Like late night conversations when sleep eludes them both. Like the occasional help with homework (Bump assured Edalyn that Luz would be safe at Hexside, not that fear and guilt didn’t still gnaw away in Lilith’s chest every time the girl leaves the house). Like trying to understand a certain _stare_ Luz levels her way when she thinks the older woman doesn’t notice. 

But _this_. Lilith _isn’t_ prepared for this. 

The trembling of her hands breaks her train of thought and reminds her she’s still halfway holding herself up. She lowered back down to rest on her elbows, her hands slipping back under her pillow. She kept her head held up as she plotted her next move. 

Luz was a dead weight on her back, murmuring incomprehensible words right into the woman’s ear. Completely oblivious to the current _panic_ Lilith was experiencing because of her. _Breathe_. _Use your words_ , _Lilith_. _If the human is broken_ , _it shouldn’t be impossible to fix her_. Because she knew something _was_ wrong. She just didn’t know _what_.

“Luz,” she cooed softly, rolling the shoulder the human was resting on to get her attention, “you need to wake up for me.”

No helpful response. Just a soft mewl. _Cute_. _But not cute enough_.

A deadpanned, “I will roll you onto the floor if you do not get off of me,” drew some movement out of the girl. _Finally_ . Although, to Lilith’s utter _horror,_ it resulted in Luz shifting _closer_ instead of _away_ , her lithe frame twisting to rest her front on Lilith’s back and shove both her arms under the woman’s arms to settle them underneath her pillow, sweat slicked fingertips encircling Lilith’s wrists. 

She settled into her new position like she _belonged_ there. 

_Sniff_. “ _No lo_ _harás_ ,” came the soft response in her ear. If she hadn’t been so focused on the scratchy cadence of Luz’s usually smooth timbre, she might have picked up on the _smugness_ dripping from the girl’s words. She knew _damn well_ Lilith wouldn’t let any harm come to her, lest she wanted to be on the receiving end of her sister’s wrath. Which she didn’t, mind you.

Lilith closed her eyes briefly, trying again. “It’s fairly clear you are unwell,” she coaxed, gently. “And I can’t help you if you don’t let me _up_.”

“ _No quiero_.”

For a long moment, Lilith just sat there and blinked, contemplating if it was even _worth_ the effort to forcefully remove the girl from her. Luz seemed content to lie there, and Lilith was _exhausted._ And with that, Lilith pronounced, “You’re not moving, are you?”

“ _No. Eres tan blando_.”

Lilith scoffed. “I am _not_ soft.”

She _wasn’t_. Not even when she resigned herself as the human’s body pillow, sleep already drawing her back in like a siren’s song. She _wasn’t_ soft when Luz clasped their hands under the pillow, a happy sigh slipping past her sleeping lips as she nuzzles her new favorite spot in the crook of Lilith’s shoulder and neck. 

She _wasn’t_ soft. Just _accommodating_. 

The heat radiating off of Luz’s skin was still concerning to Lilith. Before sleep claimed her, she made a mental note to check on the girl when she awakes again. But, _for now_ , she’d leave Luz be. 


	2. why you gotta kick me when i'm down?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one month after fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To clear something up, because you're going to be a little icked if I don't, Luz doesn't have romantic feelings for Lilith, okay? Amity, as far as I can tell, has never really gotten that good, good familial love. She knows romantic love, obvs. So, when she looks at Luz and Lilith, that's what she sees. Don't worry. It isn't. Amity is just an angsty baby that needs a little reassuring.

“How do you bottle daydreams?”

“You don’t.”

“Oh.” A pause, the sound of teeth gnawing on the end of plastic breaking the silence before an inquiry followed. “Then how come the text says ‘add four drops of bottled daydreams to your mixture’?”

“Ah, it’s referring to the Dayem plant. Known to cause wicked hallucinations to anyone who ingests it raw. It’s mostly used as a stabilizer for memory remedies than anything else these days.”

“Wowzers, that sounds super cool. But why do they call it daydreams if it’s a plant? How do you bottle it? _Oh_ , what does it do if you cook it _then_ eat it?”

“Ask Edalyn. I’m sure she’d be _thrilled_ to tell you all about it.”

Amity is speechless. Her golden eyes are wide; head cocked to the side at the spectacle in front of her.

Luz is seated on the floor in the space between the low table and the couch. Her legs are splayed out under the table, feet in constant motion to some tune only the teen can hear; occasionally bumping into Amity’s knee from where she’s seated, cross-legged, on the other side. A pen situates itself between her lips when she’s in thought and jotting down odd scribbles in her notebook. Little cartoon drawings appear at the edges of her notes. _Adorable_.

The girl has three textbooks open on the table, the ‘Advanced Potions’ her main fixation at the second. Herbology II and Abomination Theoretics, one of the reasons Amity’s there in the first place, are awaiting her attention. Amity tapped her own book in thought with her pen. Her carefully detailed notes tucked away under her other assignments; awaiting for Luz’s curiosity to be drawn back to their shared class assignment.

Amity doesn’t find it odd - _well_ , not anymore- how curious Luz is of their world, even _now_ , of how she can craft a whole conversation on a topic so _mundane_ to the residents of the Boiling Isles but so _fascinating_ to her. The young witchling finds it endearing and it brightens her whole day to see Luz’s smile light up a room. To hear her laugh. _Well_ , she just likes everything about Luz.

It’s _Lilith_ she finds odd. _Wrong_.

Her hand clenched tighter around her pen at the thought of the _monster_.

The older woman is seated on the couch behind Luz with her legs tucked under her, an unidentifiable book Luz handed to her when Amity walked in flipped open on the armrest. Amity’s certain her heterochromatic eyes haven’t lifted from the book she was paging through since the study session began, even when Luz started to use her black legging-clad knees as a pillow to gawk up at her in her endeavor to ask a million questions in one breath. To the _monster_. Instead of her _friend_.

It’s _strange_.

Amity was once Lilith’s apprentice. _Cold_ and unyielding. _That’s_ the Lilith she knew. _Never_ physically affectionate. Or even emotionally. A word of praise was rare from the distant woman, and Amity really thought that was all Lilith was capable of. _But_.

But _here’s_ Luz, being _Luz_ , her smile bright enough to rival the sun, drawing out a side of Lilith she’s uncertain the older woman herself knew she was capable of. Uncomfortable, _yes_. That was clear to see in the furrow of her brow. But unmistakably enjoying the girl’s attention in the subtle lift at the edges of her lips. _I mean_ , _who wouldn’t_? _Luz has her own gravitational pull_ , _for Titan’s sakes_. _She’s always drawing in those around her_.

Pen set aside, Amity scratched the inside of her wrist with her nails. She couldn’t wrap her head around the way Luz functions. Lilith _cursed_ her own _sister_ , almost _killed_ Luz to capture Eda, and for _what_? Her _position_? _Atonement_? Yes, it’s been _two years_ , but Amity can’t understand _how_ she could forgive someone so _easily_. Sometimes, very rarely, she can see _something_ in Eda’s eyes when she looks at her older sister, like rage and loneliness meshing into one. Lilith sees it, too. Does Luz?

The young witchling _really_ misses when Luz and Lilith’s interactions were stilted and awkward. _That_ she could work with. Preferred it even.

She couldn’t put it into words when that changed. Like, overnight they suddenly _understood_ each other. Could breathe comfortably in the same room. Luz was smiling up at Lilith like she _didn’t_ toss her off a bridge to her untimely _death_. _Trust_ so clear in her mahogany eyes. _Why does Lilith think she deserves to be in Luz’s presence_? _Why does Luz bother with trusting a monster_?

She’s _asked_. A hundred times. _Trying_ to wrap her head around it.

( _It was late_ , _the only sound for a long time was the chirping of the crickets in the forest. Amity sat stiff on a fallen log beside the very person she thought she was going to lose forever. Luz was eerily quiet_ , _most likely mulling over how to explain why she’s fine with a monster living under the same roof as her_.

_Then Luz spoke,_ _and Amity hated the words being breathed to life_.

“ _People do bad things_ , _Amity_.” _Luz whispers_ , _her eyes conveying a secret she’ll never tell_. “ _And what Lilith did was pretty terrible_ , _I know_. _But she’s trying_ , _and if you don’t give someone the chance to prove themselves_ , _how will they ever learn to be better_?”

_Amity practically felt the venom dripping from her words_. _It frightened her how much she sounded like her mother_. “ _What has she even done to earn this chance_? _You’re too trusting_ , _Luz_. _She’ll take advantage of that_!” _She quiets_ , _reins herself in_ ; _her voice softening to convey her point_. “ _You have to see that_.” _She just wants to protect Luz from harm_. _Because she couldn’t before_.

_Luz’s smile is heart wrenching to Amity_. “ _I trust her_ , _Amity_.” _She glances back at the house through the trees_. _When Amity follows her gaze_ , _she can see Eda standing in the opened doorway_ ; _waiting for her apprentice to return_ , _she assumes_. _A movement beside her draws her attention back_. _Luz is holding her hand out_ , _palm facing up_ ; _her eyes locked on Amity’s_. “ _Do you trust me_?”

_Gold eyes affix on the offer before looking away_. _A sigh_. _A decision to be made_.

_Amity clasps her hand_. “ _I trust you_.” _She stands up_ , _still holding onto Luz’s hand_. _She figures if they remain any longer Eda will come drag her apprentice back into the house herself_. “ _I don’t trust your judgement_ , _though_.”

_The girl laughs_. “ _Good enough for me_.”

_Nothing Luz ever says will change her mind about Lilith_. _She was all too familiar with what those closest to you are capable of_.)

She _still_ thinks Luz is too _forgiving_. But it’s _Luz_ ; she wouldn’t change her for the world. She won’t bring it up anymore. However, that doesn’t mean she won’t watch Lilith like a hawk. She’ll be there to protect Luz this time when Lilith reveals her true colors. _You won’t hurt her again_. _I won’t let you_.

Luz barks a laugh; that soft, melodic laughter that never failed to ignite a blush on the young witchling’s cheeks - that eases the burden of the Blight family name off her shoulders just long enough for her to breathe as _Amity_. It draws her attention away from her thoughts. Except, this time, instead of warm cheeks and freedom, a tightness in her chest steals her breath as she watches Luz turn her upper body around to drape herself across Lilith’s lap. She’s rambling about potions and why do they need to be so endlessly complicated.

All Amity hears is a ringing in her ears. _Why_?

There’s something else bothering Amity about their _relationship_. An emotion so _real_ it claws at Amity’s insecurities in the late hours of the night.

It’s all hypothetical, really. She can’t prove it. But she’s noticed a _pattern_ with Luz and Lilith. Like, there are days when Lilith wears her glasses -it took Amity _weeks_ to adjust to the sight of her former mentor in them- and lets her hair remain in its natural state of curls (“ _Ha_ , _you kids should’ve seen it when we were your age_. _It was like a cloud_. _So puffy_!”) On those _same_ days, Luz’s optimistic and sunny disposition is muted, unmistakably _there_ but weighed down by a burden she won’t address to anyone.

She’s _closer_ to _Lilith_ on those days, too.

_Oh_ , and the _look_ Luz levels Lilith’s way. Amity knows it well, because it’s how _she_ looks at _Luz_. All warm adoration and unwavering devotion. It _can’t_ mean what she thinks it means. And, unreadable as ever, Lilith doesn’t reveal if she’s caught on to Luz’s feelings, or if she even _reciprocates_ them. All Amity catches is quiet admiration and endless exasperation toward Luz’s ability to find trouble _anywhere_ she goes. (“ _If I didn’t know any better_ , _I’d swear Edalyn raised you from infancy_. _You both have a penchant for trouble_.”)

The only measure of relief- which, mind you, is _very_ small- the young witchling has is Eda doesn’t seem overly concerned about it. The younger of the two Clawthorne sisters likes to paw at her elder sister’s hair on those _horrifying_ days, commenting on how cute she finds Lilith with her natural curls. All the while Lilith grumbles at her sister and Luz stares. Something in her eyes that Amity _physically_ feels, like a knife burrowing between her ribs.

A tap on her knee reels her out of her thoughts and onto the concerned expression on Luz’s face. She’s no longer draped over Lilith. _Thankfully_. “You okay, Amity?” She asks, gently. Another tap on her knee and it’s revealed to be Luz’s foot.

Amity didn’t know how to respond for a moment, her hands falling into her lap and clenching into fists. Then she said, stiltedly, “I’m fine, thank you. Have you finished your Potions assignment yet? It’s due this week, right?” Ever the diligent friend she would be. _I hate it_. _I love it_ , _but I hate it_.

“ _Ugh_ ,” Luz groaned, her head falling back onto Lilith’s knees. _Please,_ _no_. “Nooo. _Why_ does potion making have to be _tan jodidamente duro_?”

“Language,” Admonishes Lilith. “And it’s ‘difficult’,” _Of course_ there’s quotations on the word, because there’s no way a _potions master_ thought the track was in any shape or form _difficult_. “Because potions require skill and concentration. You must be able to break apart the potions recipe to its most miniscule detail.” She closes her book and finally looks at the two teenagers. “Let me see your assignment. I hardly doubt it’s as complicated as you make it out to be.”

Luz, with a blossoming smile on her face (it almost seemed like she had been _waiting_ for that exact moment), hands Lilith her worksheet and goes back to her other studies, scribbling her odd letters on her notebook without a care in the world. Like the _enemy_ isn’t sitting right _behind_ her. She keeps her head against Lilith’s knees, occasionally glancing up to see if the older woman was ready to explain how best to go about her assignment. _Why couldn’t I have been assigned to the potions track_?

Amity _hated_ it.

Eda chose that exact moment to stroll into the living room, her roguish grin slipping from her lips as she grimaces at the textbooks on her low table. “I will _not_ get used to seeing those in _my_ house.” She shudders, leaning heavily on the arm of the couch and into her sister’s personal space, fingers already inching up to Lilith’s hair (to Amity, it just seemed Eda had an odd fascination with her sister’s hair, curly or not). “How’s the homework going, kid?”

Luz dramatically scrubs her face with her hands; her eyelids briefly pull downward. Amity winces at the sight of it. “Potions are _hard_.” She whines, her head bending further back to make eye contact with her mentor.

The gray haired witch snorted in amusement, her nails gently scraping her sister’s scalp at the back of her neck. “Eh, Lily will have you a master in no time. She was always better at that kind of stuff.” If Eda knew Lilith was slowly leaning into the touch, she made no comment on it. “You know, she once _corrected_ our professor in front of the whole class? He was _livid_.” She cackled.

Lilith smiles, a bare twitch of the lips. “I also recall getting a week of detention because _you_ couldn’t stop laughing. And then _another week_ because of some deplorable prank you pulled on him.”

“ _Hey_ ,” the younger Clawthorne defended, nails briefly ceasing their motion -if Amity hadn’t been focused on them, she might have missed the near whine Lilith almost slipped out if she hadn’t clenched her jaw in the nick of time. “ _No one_ calls _my_ sister a liar. It was my sworn duty to defend your honor. By obliterating his, obviously.”

“ _Wait_ ,” Luz interrupted, her already-wide eyes growing ever wider. She twisted back into the position Amity hated: her upper body draped over Lilith. “What did you _do_?”

Eda puffed up in pride. “Simple. I-”

“Don’t you _dare_ , Edalyn Clawthorne.” The elder Clawthorne warned.

“ _Spoilsport_.”

Lilith sighs softly through her nose. Something Amity can’t decipher passes over her features, and with an ease one expects from a former coven leader, steers the conversation back to the matter at hand: Luz’s potion assignment. “Your problem is a simple one,” she explains, her fingers tracing over the words on the paper. “You don’t know the ingredients for the memory potion, and since you didn’t grow up in the Boiling Isles, many of our flora’s names you wouldn’t recognize, let alone know what their specialties are in potion making. I’d start there if I were you. Learn the flora, what they’re properties are, and then attempt the potion.”

Luz beams, flashing her teeth in a dazzling grin, seemingly undeterred by the extra work she would need to do to finish her assignment. The paper is returned to the Latina and she slips it back in her potions textbook; closing it with a soft _thump_.

Amity perks up in response. With potions now out of their way, they could finally move on to Abominations Theoretics. The young witchling hurried to pull her notes out; cheeks already warming at the thought of Luz’s attention solely on her. And _off_ Lilith. She’s about to speak up when she notices Luz’s sudden stillness.

A weariness has fallen on Luz’s face on a scale Amity’s never seen before, but before she can address it, the expression is wiped clean from her features and replaced by determination. She squares her shoulders, clears her throat to draw three pairs of eyes on her, and with a confidence Amity can’t see reflected in her eyes, says: “Professor Krill mentioned an old tomb in the ribs today. He says no one’s ever been able to get in because of a barrier.” Amity already doesn’t like where this is going. “Do you think it’s like the one the Conformatorium had? You know, _humans_ only?”

Amity, stiff as a statue and voice lodged in her throat, blinks. _Blinks_. That’s her _only_ reaction.

“I know what you’re thinking, kid,” Eda is the first to respond, her back straightening from her seated position; arms crossing over her chest. “And you can forget about it. I’m not about to let you go trapezing through some labyrinth if I can’t follow you in.”

“ _But Eda_ -”

“No buts.” Quick to interrupt her apprentice, Eda shakes her head. “I’m putting my foot down on this. It could be _dangerous_ , Luz. And I can’t _protect_ you.”

Luz _snarls_. It was a harsh, ugly sound. “I don’t need you to protect me, Eda. ¡ _Puedo protegerme_!”

“ _Language_.” Lilith, tone carefully measured to be both scolding and calming, was the only one not reeling over the uncharacteristic display of anger Luz was projecting. 

The brief flicker of Luz’s mahogany eyes in her direction and the slight dip in her shoulders are the only indicators she heard the older woman; other than that, she ignores her. “We don’t even know if it isn’t just some creepy cave in-” She hesitates. “What exactly _are_ the Ribs?”

“ _Nowhere_ you need to be, kid.”

“Eda-”

“How do we know it isn’t some trap the Emperor has set up for you? _Hm_?” Eda sneers. She isn’t holding back her own anger, and Lilith doesn’t have the same effect on her as she does Luz. “A little _too much_ of a coincidence to mention a tomb no one can enter except the _one human_ in the class, if you ask me.”

“Professor Krill wouldn’t-”

“ _How_ can you be certain of that?” Eda shouts, with a strangled quality Amity’s never heard in her voice before; it’s enough to make her flinch in response. All the anger has instantly fled her. Her eyes are _pleading_ with Luz to understand where she’s coming from. “Tell me, Luz, how can you _know_?”

“I-” she _can’t_ , and she’s unable to form anything tangible enough to appease Eda’s overprotectiveness. “-I just _know_ , Eda. _Please_.”

Throughout the whole argument, being utterly _useless_ when Luz is in need of aid (because she _can’t_ support her here), Amity has clenched her fists so tightly her nails have dug deep enough into her palms to break the skin, but she does nothing to loosen her grip. The pain keeps her own anger in check. From raising her voice at Luz and saying something she’ll regret, all because of the foolish _stupidity_ her friend is spewing right now. She won’t lash out at Luz. She _can’t_ lose her trust. Lose _her_.

Luz averts her gaze from her mentor, unable to match those eyes with her own. She sets her sights on Lilith instead, her expression already softening into the look Amity hates with every fiber of her being. “Lilith? Don’t you think we should check it out?” There’s a rawness to Luz’s voice, like she _needs_ Lilith to agree with her on this one. “It might help us.”

It takes a while before Lilith responds, her eyes flicking between Luz and her sister, whose features have twisted into an indecipherable expression, also in need of her sister siding with her. “I’m sorry, Luz.” Decision made, it seemed, and Luz crumbles from the weight of it, like Lilith’s words alone sapped the fight right out of her. “I’m with Edalyn on this one. The Ribs are no place for young witchlings.” A flicker of pain crosses her features, -it’s there and gone so fast Amity thinks she imagined it- and Amity notes Luz gently squeezing one of Lilith’s legging-clad thighs. She continues on with: “And with Eda’s magic gone and mine unreliable, we can’t be running off on a whim. It isn’t safe for any of us.”

“I just want to help you break the curse and get your magic back.”

Eda sighs, reclaiming her position pressed flush against her older sister. “I know you want to help,” She says, gently. “But we have to be smart about it this time.”

Lilith gently squeezes Luz’s shoulder. “My sister is right, _again_.” She’s briefly shocked by the words, and Eda gently nudges her in the ribs, a smug grin adorning her face. Swift to ignore her sister, she continues. “Your life isn’t worth breaking a curse _I_ casted. It’s safer if Edalyn and I look more into it before deciding anything.”

“See, kid? We’ll let you know if it’s worth our time. Until then, let it be, alright?”

“Alright.” Luz concedes defeat. “I’ll let it go.”

Amity wonders if either of the women notice the gleam in her eyes. _Luz_ , _no_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, remember these aren't really in any order. It's basically a story with the pages strewn all about. So we will be jumping forwards and backwards quite a bit. I will try and make sure you have a good concept of where we are in the timeline. 
> 
> Thank you to all who have commented, left kudos, and bookmarks! I really didn't think this would catch anyone's attention. I hope I continue to entertain you.
> 
> I'm not super pleased with the ending. It feels like it's lacking, so I may go in and fix it later. I'll certainly let you know when I do. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	3. me against myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and 9 months before fever dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attacks and mentions of self harm. This one is a doozy. Angst?

It was the middle of the night, but Luz was still wide _awake_.

The teen gave a quiet sigh of frustration and rolled onto her back, her arms crossed behind her head. It was a common occurrence in the last month for sleep to elude her. Usually, she quietly shimmies out of her sleeping bag, not wanting to disturb a slumbering King, and tiptoes into the kitchen for a late night scavenger hunt in the fridge. Not tonight, though. Leaving the room meant running into Lilith, and Luz wasn’t feeling social enough to engage in awkward conversation with the older woman tonight.

_It’ll be another day soon._ _You got this_ , _Luz._ _Smile._

What started off as an occasional pick-me-up when the nights were long, has become a sort of chant -if she’s honest, it’s more of a _reminder_ \- for the teen in the early hours of the morning, her sleepy eyes locked on the first rays of dawn cresting the horizon. A chant to be the chipper human everyone knows and loves. _Smile_ , _Luz_. _Or they’ll worry_. And, as always, her smiles are bright and cheery for them; simple enough to slip on her face in the daylight when her mind is preoccupied by school and friends. It was the afternoons she found to be a little more difficult to hold onto, the edges of her lips tugging downward. King and Eda are always there as unknowing lifelines, though. And Lilith-

Luz ignored that thought. Ignored the complicated mess she’s got herself into with the older woman and turned her thoughts back to her mentor. It never ceases to amaze her when Eda casts magic, even glyph magic has a certain charm when her mentor effortlessly wields it. Eda’s such a natural, too, performing like she’s been doing it her life. But it was _such_ a battle in the beginning there -the older woman _hated_ being _taught_. (“ _Ugh_ , _kid_ , _you_ _sound like my professors_. _Think I’ll pass on the lessons._ ”) Luz learned she was best left to her own devices. She isn’t one to turn Eda down, however, when she does come seeking advice, and she savors every moment she has teaching Eda all about her tricks and tips. _It’s the least I can do_.

She’s so _tired_ , though. 

Tired and _bitter_. Tired of pretending she’s _fine_ ; bitter no one has thought to _look_ a little _harder_ and see the _real_ her. That’s a lie: _someone_ has noticed. _Again_ , she’d rather _not_ focus on that. Subconsciously, she wonders if anyone else has noticed the change in her. Do they know she’s not happy here on the Isles anymore? She misses her _home_. She misses her _mami_. 

Luz frowned. Not for a second does she regret the sacrifice she made for Eda: her mentor is as much her family as her mami is, but she’s starting to wonder if there had been another _choice_ . A different path she could have followed. If she had taken the portal with her to the human realm like she was told to, would Eda have gotten away with King and Lilith? _Safe_ from Belos? But still _magicless_? Because of _Luz_?

_Did I make the right choice_ , _mami_?

She eventually abandons her thoughts on remaining in her sleeping bag until the first light of dawn, the sudden urge to move itching under the surface layer of her skin. Luz is swift to roll out of her cocoon, stretching out the discomfort as she paces the confines of her room. She has no need to tiptoe around the space, as King has resigned himself to the couch tonight, claiming he needed to keep an eye on his secret stash of candy. (“ _There’s a thief on the premises_ , _Luz_ , _and I’m going to nab them_. _Nyeh_!”) Luz didn’t have the heart to tell him it isn’t so secret or she’s the one stealing from him. She promises herself she’ll replace them when she goes to the market after school. _Scout’s honor_!

The motions do little to settle her. Her heart pounds ever harder behind her ribs, the discomfort now slinking down to nestle in the rhythmic pattern of her breathing. _Breathe in_. _One_. _Two._ _Three_. She scratches her collarbone in agitation. Her white tank top and black pajama shorts leave her skin bared to the chill of the room, but she hardly notices the temperature as a heat rises in her. _Breathe out_. _One._ _Two_. _Three_. Her carefully crafted foundation was cracking, and Luz was frantic to repair the damage. _I’m okay_. _I’m fine_. _It’ll be another day soon_.

She needed an adhesive to fill in the cracks. 

_Mami_. Since the portal was destroyed three months ago, Luz has kept her phone switched off. (“ _I’m sorry_ , _kid_. _I know how much it means to you, but it’s for the best_.”) It stays on her person at all times, though. Safe in her backpack as she ventures into the dangerous world known as the Boiling Isles, a gnawing fear of losing it and her only connection to her mami residing in her chest. Rarely does she turn it back on. _Only_ when her world was unraveling around her and she needed to be grounded again. Like _now_.

She strides over to the end table near her sleepinging bag, her phone right where she left it earlier in the night. A simple press down on the power button with her finger will reboot her phone and she’ll hear her mother’s voice again. Before a wedge formed between them about Luz’s future and her odd behaviour, they used to be as thick as thieves, and Luz loved to film their outings. She can already envision one of her favorites; feel the warmth of a summer day on her skin, wind gently rustling her hair, as they find a good spot in the park to enjoy their lunch. She can hear her mami trying to make a joke, her words filling Luz’s ears in their native tongue, and Luz laughing at how terrible it is. _Estoy bien_. _Estará bien pronto_.

_Except_.

Instead of lighting up like usual, her phone’s screen remained dark. Quiet. Unresponsive. _Dead_.

A slow simmer mere minutes before, her last connection to her mami was the match her panic needed to erupt into flames. Luz chokes on her own breath, hysteria bubbling in the back of her throat. _No_ , _no_ , _no_. Luz’s entire body went rigid. She grasped the edges of the end table so tightly the knuckles on her hands turned white. Winding tighter and tighter, her molars creaked under the tension of a clenching jaw. Luz fought so desperately to douse the fire into smoldering embers. _Esto no puede estar pasando_.

It _can’t_ be true. Her last trace of home can’t be _gone_. _Lost_.

_Por favor_ , _que no_! 

The fear was settling in now, that sleeping terror she kept sealed tight in the back of her head is now stirring; spiralling so quickly out of her control she can’t rein it in fast enough. _No_ , _no_ , _no_. Her thoughts are chaotic and vengeful, unable to process the building tension, to comfort the mounting helplessness. _No_ , _mami_. _Por favor_ , _habla conmigo_! _¡No me dejes_!

She struggled to _breathe_. 

There wasn’t enough air in the room to breathe, her ribs aching from the pressure. Black spots danced in her vision and no matter how hard her lungs heaved, not a single breath of air filled her. 

Everything inside her _screamed_ at her to just _look away_ , but her eyes could not tear themselves from the source of her panic. She wasn’t comprehending it. It couldn’t be _real_. Not so _soon_. She wasn’t _ready_. _Mami_?

“Are you alright, human?”

A sudden pressure on her right shoulder has Luz flinching away. A second of confusion as her thoughts are disoriented and the sound filtered in her ears isn’t yet properly processed. Her mahogany eyes are wild and wide open, bouncing around the room in search of the voice before locking in on the figure in front of her. It’s _Lilith_ , she _knows_ , and some sensible part of her scrambles to hold onto that knowledge. But it’s like grasping at straws; slipping straight out of her sweaty hands. Sinking her further back into the void of panic and fear. _No_.

The older woman’s heterochromatic eyes assess her with their keen stare from behind her glasses, so close she stands to her she can see the different flecks of grays and blues in her eyes. What a pathetic sight she must be. Shaking so hard it physically hurts. Drenched in a cold sweat from head to toe. The panic in her eyes. _Dejar de mirarme_. 

Luz chokingly gasps. Lavender and jasmine engulf her and suddenly air burns a path straight down her throat, her lungs frantically working to drown themselves in the aroma. It’s Lilith’s scent and Luz’s never noticed it before because Lilith doesn’t usually stand this close to her. To _anyone_. 

“Can you hear me,” Lilith’s voice was soft, so soft Luz had to strain to hear it. “Human?” 

“ _No la oigo_. _No puede decirme si tomé la decisión correcta_.”

Lilith’s hand hesitantly receded from her shoulder, a sudden realization coming over her features. Luz doesn’t bother to process the information, her attention drawn to the sweater’s sleeve tugging down to reveal a pale wrist and the shimmering gold brand of the older woman’s previous coven. The _Emperor’s Coven._ The _reason_ she was still _here_.

She thinks Lilith opened her mouth to speak again. _No puedes hablarme monstruo_.

Luz _snapped_.

Her body went from panicked flight to twisting into a physical reaction. A dark and terrifying rage bubbled up from deep within her. It snuffed out every rational thought, clouded her better judgement, till all that was left was the primal urge to _harm_ one of the few responsible for taking her mother _away_ from her. 

With a wounded growl, she _lunged_ at Lilith, taking the older woman by surprise as her tiny frame collided with hers and pushed her down onto the hardwood floor. One of Lilith’s shoulders slammed down first with a resounding _smack_ , a squeak and a hissing groan of pain emitting from her. Luz _savored_ it. _Sí_ , _duele tanto como me lastimaste_.

“ _Todo es culpa tuya_ ,” Luz snarled. Astride the older woman with her thighs, pinning her down to the floor, Luz’s palms are splayed on either side of Lilith’s head, her midnight blue locks brushing against her skin. “ _Ella se ha ido y todo es culpa tuya_.”

“Wha-” Lilith was stiff beneath her, her wide eyes made all the wider by her glasses. “What are you doing?”

“ _Devuélveme su espalda_.” 

“I don’t-”

The blood in Luz’s veins was searing. “ _No la oigo_. _¡Es tu culpa_!” She gripped Lilith by the front of her sweater, jerking her towards her with a strength inconceivable by a girl of her stature. “¿Q _ué tienes que decir por ti mismo_?”

She seethed with uncontrollable fury. 

Lilith merely flinched, nothing more. A whisper of concern floated up from the depths of her mind, questioning why the older woman hasn’t yet attempted to defend herself against the teen. Meager as it may be, Lilith still possessed her magic. Removing the teen from her person should be as effortless as breathing for someone like her. Yet she doesn’t fight back. ¿ _Por qué_?

It infuriated her.

Luz steadied herself and raised her freehand in the air, fingers curling into a fist, ready to satisfy what her rage demanded of her, only to pause. A sudden movement in her peripheral broke her concentration from Lilith. She caught her reflection in the floor length mirror leaning against the wall. Her entire body stilled in stund shock. The snarl etched into her features terrified her. The unbridled fury in her eyes stole her breath. 

_Ese no soy yo_. 

Bile burned at the back of her throat, and she fought the urge to retch as she jack-knifed to her feet, clumsily staggering backwards. Her back collided with a wall with a resounding _smack_ , her knees giving out on her as she slid down to the cool comfort of the hardwood floor. She tucked her body inwards until her head pressed into the top of her thighs. _Ese no soy no_. _Por favor_ , _que no_! 

Her mouth opened in a silent scream as her body tightened further. Her foundation was rubble beneath her feet. Her control was gone. Sweat rolled down her face and neck as body-wide tremors racked her frame. Her nails angled sharply to scrape into her scalp, a futile attempt to silence the voices screaming in her head.

“ _Don’t_ ,” The voice was frantic, but the pressure cinching around her wrists, ceasing her actions instantly, was _soft_ and _sure_. Her hands were relocated to her ears, her palms pressed flat against them instead of abusing her scalp. “Ssh, it’s alright,” The scent of lavender and jasmine assaulted her nostrils and Luz inhaled lungfuls of it greedily. “Let it all out. I’ve got you.”

Luz _breaks_. A blood-curdling shriek tore from her throat so _raw_ it was _painful_. 

//

It felt like hours before Luz could move again. 

Lilith had remained close enough to touch but far enough away Luz wouldn’t feel suffocated by her presence. She’s since moved further away from the teen, as the sobs have quieted to just wet hiccups and her tightened limbs have eased their hold. Giving her room to breathe. To find her bearing. 

“You with me now?” Lilith asked, tentative. _Knowing_. 

Luz nodded, swallowing hard. She shakily rests her chin atop her knees, her tear-stained cheeks sticky against her bare skin. “ _Sí_. _Estoy aquí_.” Her arms cross over her legs to subside the small tremors still racking her frame.

“Other than the strange language, I suppose so,” Lilith sighed. She has her left leg drawn up, mirroring Luz’s stance as she tucks her chin on the raised knee. Her eyes glance about the teen’s face from behind her glasses, a knowing in her eyes Luz can’t comprehend. “Have you experienced anything like this before?”

Luz didn’t say a word. _Scared_ to spiral out of control again; it’s not like Lilith can understand her anyway. For the moment, she’s content to let her gaze wander over the older woman in her living space. She hasn’t changed into her sleepwear yet, and the teen is just now coming to the realization that she’s never seen Lilith in anything but oversized sweaters and leggings since her time in the Owl House. It appeared tonight was no different. Is there a reason for it, she briefly wonders. 

What _is_ new is the way Lilith looks at her now. Disdain had been their normal for a while, shooting glares at the other across the table at breakfast when no one was paying attention -to be fair, _everyone_ was glaring at one another in the beginning; though none compared to the heated looks Lilith and Eda tended to pierce the other with. They were always a stray glance away from snarling at each other. Then, one night, Lilith’s composure cracked in front of her and Luz remembered it wasn’t in her nature to hold onto so much hatred in her heart.

Stifled awkwardness followed them around after that. Luz was navigating a world of concerned understandment and Lilith was _lost_ in hers. Single-mindedly obtaining her goals without a single soul knowing of the regret she harbors was Lilith’s life for a long time, so much so she’s forgotten how to reach out for help. Luz had been there once: _alone_. But unlike Lilith, she made friends and found a family who loved her. 

Lilith is _still_ alone. _Hated_. _Distrusted_. It donned on Luz then: she was the only one who could see Lilith needed help. Be the only one capable to help her fix her mistakes and reconcile with her little sister. And that meant letting the hate _go_. (“ _I_ , _Luz Noceda_ , f _rom this forward_ , _will be your friend_. _Don’t scoff at me, Lilith Clawthorne_. _I’m a great friend_. _Just ask Amity_!”)

Lilith didn’t glare at her, she didn’t avoid eye contact with her out of embarrassment, and she didn’t even harbor pity in her unwavering gaze. Her eyes shimmered with some impossibly great sadness, a quiet understanding lurking in their depths. “Has this happened before, Luz?” She repeats the question, more urgently than before.

It’s the first time she’s ever heard Lilith say her name. A sudden flutter in her chest takes her by surprise. _¿Por qué_?

“ _Estoy bien_ ,” She murmurs quietly. “ _Está bien_.”

Lilith’s brow furrowed and she was quiet for a moment. Without a clear communication hub between them, Luz truly thought this was the moment Lilith would grow bored of watching her and leave the teen to pick up the pieces of her crumbled foundation. She alone will repair the damage, as she has always done. It’s _fine_. She doesn’t need the older woman to stay and hold her hand and coo sweet nothings in her ear. 

_Sólo está aquí por su hermana de todos modos_. A bubble of shame formed in her heart at the thought. They were _friends_. Fragile in its beginning stage, yes, but friends nonetheless. Luz briefly wondered what she’d give to not be so _broken._ To be normal again. To not have her emotions turn on her at every corner. Tears were burning in her eyes and she slammed them close to stop them from spilling. She couldn’t be broken. Too many people depended on her. 

“If I told you,” And Luz’s head snapped up at the sudden sound, her face betraying her shock at the realization Lilith hadn’t moved an inch, merely kept her gaze low and away from the teen. “I know what’s going through your mind right now, would you believe me?”

Luz stared at her, more startled to hear her speak than comprehending the meaning behind her words. Mind still in the process of answering _why_ she was even still _here_ to give the older woman a response.

Lilith leveled her with a glassy stare, an unfettered anguish in her gaze. “You think you have to be so strong,” she said quietly, almost pensively. “You’re fine, right? Nothing’s wrong; you have it all under control. You don’t need anyone’s help.”

Luz felt her heart clench. Several seconds passed without a response. Not a word was forming on Luz’s tongue. She was _paralyzed_. 

Another bout of silence followed; then, “The attacks will come far and few in between each other, some lasting longer than others, and you’ll think that’s perfectly fine,” Lilith finally said, and Luz’s heart pounded in her ribcage at the direction this was going. “You’re still in control, right? You’re not _broken_.” 

All the while she talked, Luz felt her eyes widening bit by bit. An ill-at-ease filling manifesting in her chest, her hands unconsciously tightening around her legs to hide the quickening of her breaths.

Lilith’s hesitant by her reaction, a war brewing in her eyes. The decision she settles on isn’t an easy one, Luz notes, as fear and indecisiveness contort her features. She sighed and tugged up one sleeve of her sweater, pausing to shakily breathe in, and Luz was briefly reunited with the sight of the shimmering gold of her brand. 

Her blood runs cold in her veins at what she sees further up Lilith’s arm.

Parallel to each other, three jagged lines flawed the older woman’s otherwise unblemished skin. “Eventually,” Lilith continues, her fingers tracing the raised skin in remembrance. “You’ll lose what little control you thought you had and pain will become your new anchor. Because what else do you have when your body isn’t yours anymore? _Pain_.”

Luz couldn’t find her words, if there were any to say, and she stared, open mouthed, at Lilith’s arm. Her hand itches to reach out, to feel for herself how deep Lilith must have sank her nails into her own skin to cause such scars. Were there more? Is that what laid beneath? 

Lilith is quick to let her sweater fall back down when she catches the twitch from the teen. “They started when I was around your age,” A tight smile curls the edges of her lips; grieving and sympathetic “Joining the Emperor’s Coven had been my dream since I was a child, and when it was clear Edalyn’s magical potential would surpass mine, a fear rooted itself in me. What if she got in and I didn’t? So, I studied harder; trained harder than anyone. It was easy to ignore the prickling in my chest, the breathlessness, the night terrors- all of it was shoved so far down I fooled myself into thinking I was _fine_.”

“¿ _Qué sucedió después_?”

“It was only after I cursed Edalyn they weren’t so easily shoved down anymore. I adjusted, though. Locked myself away when I felt them coming. I really thought I was still in control.” 

“¿ _Eda sabe algo de esto_?” 

The older woman briefly glanced her way. “The worst of it manifested before I was made the leader of the coven. I was a captain and my team was given a simple mission up in The Ribs to locate and apprehend a group of covenless witches.” Lilith chuckled, humorlessly. “Turns out they were waiting for us and we were ambushed. Miraculously, no one was killed.” The tight smile fell flat. Her eyes darkened ominously. “One, though, was severely wounded, and I blamed myself. Once more, I had caused someone harm.”

Luz fought back a shiver. “ _No fue tu culpa_. _No podías haber sabido que era una trampa_.”

“I have no recollection of the attack itself, but I vividly recall the _pain_ . It _centered_ me. The iron cage I was trapped in suddenly disintegrated. I latched onto that feeling and came back to my thigh a throbbing, mangled mess. But I was in _control_ and that’s all that _mattered_.”

Luz exhaled. It made sense now why the older woman ceased her actions earlier. For that moment, she saw herself in Luz’s place, alone and clawing her way out of the iron cage her mind trapped her in. Her mouth opened, closed, and opened again. She couldn’t find the words to comfort Lilith; wasn’t sure she was capable of assuring the older woman she wouldn’t let it get to that point. Because could she?

Her thoughts must be written clear on her features, for Lilith studied her carefully and methodically. “I don’t want you to go through that, Luz,” There was genuine sorrow in Lilith’s voice. “I _won’t_ let it come to that.” Her name did that fluttering in her chest phenomenon again.

There was a look of almost absolute desolation in the older woman’s eyes. Luz moved purely on instinct. She crawled the short distance separating the two of them, mindful to keep an inch of space between them -nonetheless Lilith flinched at Luz’s sudden nearness. Her knees dug into the wood as they supported her full weight. The teen reached a hand out and gently pinched the sleeve of her sweater. Words were still failing her, but she managed to convey what she wanted to say with a faint smile. _Estoy aquí._

Lilith gently squeezed her shoulder in reply, and Luz felt a wave of calm sweep through her. “You think you have to pretend to be perfectly fine in front of everyone, but you don’t have to be with me. I’m broken, too.” And Luz felt the burn of tears again, but she didn’t fight it this time. She let them run down her cheeks. “I won’t stand by and watch you live the same nightmare I faced. You mean too much to Edalyn for me to just pretend you’ll figure it all out yourself. Let me help you get through this.”

Luz nodded. For the first time in a long time, Luz felt _good_. She felt like _herself._

//

Lilith waited. 

She was seated in her customary spot at the breakfast table, a cup of cooling tea before her. Her thoughts were centered around the human upstairs -how best to aid her; when to inform Edalyn of her apprentice’s deteriorating mental health, because Luz _needed_ a support system and Lilith was hardly the best fit for the job. The Boiling Isles didn’t cater to one’s mental stability -it’s a harsh world, and if you’re not strong enough to fight your own battles, what good are you to The Isles? Lilith dug herself out of her own grave. For _Edalyn_. She’d be damned if she left Luz to suffer the same fate. 

The older woman remained long enough with the human to ensure her sleep was a peaceful one, aware enough to know it wasn’t wise to linger. She waited, with Luz tucked back into her cocoon, for the soft sounds of her breathing falling into the steady rhythm of slumber to rise from her seated position on the floor. A quick flick of the wrist and the silencing spell she casted earlier in the night was released. She was gone before anyone else in the house stirred. Like she was never there in the first place. 

Edalyn was the first to stumble down the stairs and into the kitchen when the morning’s rays flooded the house in a gentle light. She gave her characteristic yawn and scratch on the back before leveling her sister with a blank stare. For once, it hardly affected Lilith, more pressing matters on her mind than her need to reconcile with her sister. 

“Do you even know how to sleep?” Edalyn grumbled, ambling over to the fridge to route around for this morning’s breakfast. Lilith’s figured out it’s the quickest way to wake the sleeping occupants of the Owl House. 

Lilith closed her eyes and sighed deeply, praying for strength or patience -perhaps a combination of both, honestly. “Do you know the name of the language your human speaks?” 

Edalyn straightened instantly, her own heterochromatic eyes leering at Lilith from over her shoulder. “You want to run that by me again?” She growls, defensiveness radiating off of her frame. 

“I was wondering,” Lilith said, mindful of her words this time. “If you knew the name of the language _Luz_ speaks?” It was _s_ _trange_ to say the name in front of someone who isn’t the girl. 

“English, sis,” Eda replies coolly, the door of the fridge closing behind her as she turned to face her sister. A snark was tugging her lips upwards. “And here I thought you were the smart one.”

“The _other_ one.” Lilith snarled. 

“Uh, I know Luz likes to gush over cute things, but that’s still English, sister dear. Mm, then again, maybe you _don’t_ understand that one. _Ha_.”

“ _Edalyn_.”

“ _Lilith_.”

“ _Why_ are you _always_ like this,” Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes tight. “All I’m asking for is a name. Why must you make this anymore tedious than it needs to be?”

Edalyn pursed her lips as if contemplating her words, though she never took her gaze off her older sister. “And pray tell,” Eda said, purposely withholding the information. “Would you need to know something like that?”

“Sometimes,” She exhaled, a thousand thoughts running rampant in her head before she silenced them; settling on a simple explanation to appease her sister. “She rambles in it, and I was curious about it. Do you know or not?”

A brief moment of silence passed between the two of them, as it appeared Edalyn had little notion to share with her older sister the information she’s seeking. Lilith was seconds away from conceding defeat and simply asking the human herself later tonight when Edalyn finally moved, her head nodding from a silent conversation she held with herself. 

“Luz calls it Spanish,” Edalyn answered, strangely regarding her sister. 

_Spanish_. Lilith nodded. _It seems a bit of schooling is in order._

So inwardly focused she is, Lilith missed the soft smile Edalyn’s wearing when she turned back to her previous agenda of preparing breakfast. Content to know her older sister is growing as a person, but not so willing to let her know about it just yet. _Look at you_ , _Lily_ , _learning how to love again_. _And Luz, of all people_. _Kid sure knows how to pick ‘em._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why Lilith learns Spanish. Thoughts & opinions. Let me know!


	4. will we ever learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and 7 months before fever dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eda swears. That is all. Maybe some bonding. Lilith is a bit of a King hater. He'll grow on her.

The smell was _nauseating_.

Luz's nose crinkled in disgust. She was perched atop the breakfast table, legs crossed -Lilith's earlier glower did little to deter Luz from moving. Nor did the smell stop her from leaning forward to peer closer into the cauldron Lilith was brewing a sickly green liquid in. She was mindful of the conjured fire beneath the cauldron, the blue flames flicking up around the rounded surface. A ponder as to _why_ the flames needed to be magical instead of man-made earned her a blank look. She sheepishly scrunched her shoulders upwards, duly noting to pay more attention in her potion classes from now on.

A book -more like a _tome_ it was so _huge_ \- was flipped open and settled in Luz's lap, more there for the teen to study and learn from the experience today than for Lilith herself (Luz also believes it's because the older woman is a grump when she hasn't slept and if the dark circles under her eyes were of any indication, Lilith was in no mood to teach the teen things she should probably already know). Luz glanced back down at it. The script was written in spiraling cursive, the penmanship flowy and precise. Luz wondered if Lilith wrote all of the potions in the book. She definitely seemed the type to have neat handwriting. 

Luz traced the curves with her eyes, trying to absorb the information presented to her on the page. Like the plant track, potions was one of her weaker subjects. She found the lectures so _boring_ and the class _difficult_. The only time Luz ever felt a spark of interest for it was when Lilith was the one teaching her. The older woman was a naturally gifted teacher, explaining the complexities around potions with an ease Luz always finds so _fascinating_ ; effortlessly hooking Luz onto her words. She made _potions_ fascinating. Her potions professor, sadly, did not have the same effect. 

"I'm surprised you didn't join Edalyn on her trip to the market," Lilith said, her eyes unwavering from their stare into the cauldron. She sprinkled a dried herb in before stirring the wooden spoon held in her left hand counterclockwise. "You've hardly left the house all weekend." 

The tone wasn't in any form accusatory in its inquiry, but Luz shrunk inwards nonetheless. She was _still_ in the process to break the habit of pretending everything's alright, even around Lilith. She fiddled with the edges of the opened book, careful not to rip the pages. "I guess I wasn't feeling very social today." She shrugged her shoulders, noncommittally. 

Lilith hummed, side-eyeing her briefly in acknowledgement of what she's doing but letting it go. _For now_. It's the best she can hope for, really. She's grateful for Lilith's help. Truly, she is. She hasn't felt like herself in months; so to have someone understand her was _refreshing_. She could _breathe_ again. Be _Luz_. It was nice. Just, some days, she hates _herself_ for _still_ being broken. Today just so happened to be one of those days. 

Luz veered away from those thoughts and watched Lilith sort through an array of jars surrounding the cauldron, not a single label on any of them but somehow the woman's aware of what's hidden in their depths. She selects a pale yellow one, uncorks it, and another dried herb is sprinkled into the cauldron. The color changes from sickly green to navy blue.

Luz's voice is soft, careful. "What was it like?"

Lilith doesn't even spare her a glance. "Hm, sorry, I'm not a mind-reader. You'll need to be more specific." The tug at the right corner of her lip was the only indicator Luz had of Lilith's present amusement.

The teen cracks a smile at the joke, giggling softly. She's slow to sober. _Aware_ she's treading dangerous territory. "To be the leader of the Emperor's Coven. What was it like?"

There's a subtle pause in the older woman's movements, and Luz wouldn't have noticed the slight tension in Lilith's jaw if she hadn't already been keenly observing the older woman for the last hour. Eda once told her Lilith was a master at wearing a mask but her eyes _always_ gave her away. (" _You just gotta know what to look for, kid. Lily's not as unreadable as you might think_.") Even now, her face is neutral, nary a wrinkle present on her pale features. But her eyes are conflicted, weighing the pros and cons of answering the question. 

Suddenly, Lilith has a pinched look on her face, as if she's fighting down some emotion, and Luz inwardly squeals at how _adorable_ it is. Not so adorable Lilith thought she needed to _hide_ how she feels from Luz, mind you, but it's a step closer to completely abandoning her mask altogether for the teen. Because Lilith _never_ has this expression on her face when around the others, and Luz has seen by her eyes the range of emotions she's felt with her blank stare set firmly in place. It's _only_ Luz who gets this brief exterior conflict. _Well_ , Eda does, but Luz isn't blood, so she considers herself much more special. (She also doesn't account for Lilith's anger. Eda's confirmed her sister is _easily_ aggravated.)

Lilith's lips get thinner and thinner, pressing them together as her gaze wanders from the cauldron and on the teenaged human sheepishly staring at her and then back to the cauldron. She sighed. "Here," She says, shoving a root of a strange plant into Luz's hands. It's purple and smells like licorice. "Shred a few pieces of bark off of it and I'll tell you anything you want to know." She paused, eyeing Luz dubiously. "Anything I deem _appropriate_ , that is."

Luz pouted. But she won't push her luck. _This once_. "Deal," She chirps instead, eager to be of assistance. "So, what was it like? How does someone even become head of a coven? Is there a lot of paperwork? Eda likes to say you've slowed down because you've spent too long behind a desk," It all rambles out of her as she unconsciously shreds the plant in her hands, the pieces of flora easily separating between her nimble fingers. The smell of licorice was stronger the deeper she penetrated into the plant. "When you and Eda fought," She intentionally ignored the flinch from the older woman. "You didn't look slow to me. Tired, maybe. I mean, Eda was pummeling you and I know now it was taking a lot of your focus to keep that bubble of yours around me to really duke it out with her."

" _Orb_ ," Lilith corrected. "It was a protection orb." She ceased Luz's shredding with a wave of her hand, flicking through the pieces for what she desired and adding them to the cauldron. "Now, to answer your questions. Becoming a coven leader isn't so simple in the nine main covens. The smaller ones, I believe, merely vote on who they see best represents their coven." 

"How come?" Luz pondered. She completely disregarded the orb comment. She liked calling it a bubble too much to give it up so easily. 

"You must excel at the type of magic associated with your chosen coven. You must be the strongest. The wisest. The most resourceful. You're representing one of the most powerful covens on the Boiling Isles. You _must_ be able to rise to the occasion."

"Wow," Luz breathed. She propped her elbows on her thighs, cradling her head in her hands. "Can you be challenged?"

"Yes. So long as the challenger can provide for the coven."

"Were _you_ ever?"

"Once," Lilith hummed, her focus primarily on what she's brewing in the cauldron. She's since switched to stirring clockwise. It _still_ smells _awful_. "It was a member of the Blight family, actually. They weren't very pleased a nobody like me was the Emperor's left hand."

"Wowsers," Luz's eyes widened. She was surprised to hear a member of Amity's family went up against Lilith and _lost_. If Amity wasn't so _angsty_ about Lilith, the two teens could get a laugh out of Luz's findings. But, unfortunately, Amity is still prickly and it only ever invites arguments between the friends. "It doesn't seem very efficient, though. How do you get anything done if, say, the leadership is being changed everyday?"

"It's fairly rare for leaders to be challenged, but I'll humor your curiosity." Lilith's lips curled in an amused grin. A warmth blossomed in Luz's chest at the sight. She liked Lilith's smiles. "All covens are governed by a specific law system based on their primary magical ability. Only Belos can change those laws. Coven leaders are there to adhere to those laws and to keep their covens in line. A change in power doesn't change this, merely _who_ represents them; so, in theory, a coven could go through six leaders in a day and it would do little harm to them."

Luz snickered at the thought of a coven _actually_ going through six leaders in a day (the _amount_ of paperwork that must go into that). It stills seems inefficient to her that _power_ was merit enough to be considered head of a coven. But Lilith _was_ one, and if Luz has learned anything about the older woman, it's that she's _ridiculously_ intelligent (just don't say that around Eda, for she'll enthusiastically remind everyone her sister is a dumb-dumb in every other aspect out of book smarts). Luz will just have to take her word for it on this one. Besides, the Boiling Isles was already playing by a whole different set of rules from her realm. Who was she to really judge?

"Now, paperwork," Lilith mused. Her nose crinkled in disgust, mirroring the same face Luz made at the cauldron earlier. Luz coughed to smother her laughter at the sight, though Lilith's side-eye at her informed she failed terribly. "It's one of the few things I _don't_ miss about my position." Her eyes rolled in annoyance, a huff bypassing her lips as she removed the wooden spoon from the cauldron. "I thought _my_ handwriting was atrocious; you should have seen some of the reports I was forced to read through. It was a miracle I understood any of it."

 _That_ piqued Luz's interest. "Wait," She lifted the book off her lap and turned it towards Lilith, holding it just under her chin. "You mean _you_ didn't write any of this?"

Lilith glanced over. "No," She casually revealed, as if it wasn't a _big deal_. Which, by the way, it _was_. "Edalyn wrote it."

Luz's jaw dropped. "You're _joking_." She was so _shocked_. 

"I don't joke."

"Liar."

"I don't lie."

" _Liar_."

Lilith's smile is lop-sided; unknowingly, Luz mirrored it. "I'm not joking," She relieves Luz of the heavy tome and flips it to the first page before facing it back to the teen. There, in cursive swirls, was Eda's full name. Luz _stares_. She _never_ expected her mentor to have such lovely penmanship. Her curiosity has now been further piqued: what _does_ Lilith's handwriting look like? She glances up at the woman as she's handed the book back. 

" _No_ ," The older woman easily interpreted the stare leveled her way. "Not happening."

"Please?" Luz pouted.

"That doesn't work on me."

She continued to pout.

"I'm not Edalyn, Luz. Your face isn't going to get me to do what you want."

 _Big guns it is_. Luz let her lower lip wobble just the slightest. The book dropped, forgotten, in her lap as she laces her fingers together and tucks them under her chin, the puppy-dog eyes in full effect. "Please, _Lily_ , can I see your handwriting?"

Lilith remains firm for ten seconds. Luz watches the miniscule ticks of her face morph from unbreakable resolve to crumbling into undignified defeat. Her head cocks back and she huffs in irritation. " _Fine_ ," She growls with no real malice in her tone. "I will show you. Don't know _why_ it's so important to you. But only _after_ I'm finished with this."

"Fine by me!" The teen cheers. Her victorious smile dials down to a curious frown. "You said the paperwork was one thing you don't miss. What's another?"

"Oh," Lilith takes her time answering. "That would be dealing with the High Council."

"I'm sorry, the _what_?"

Lilith nodded. "The High Council," She inspects the cauldron one last time. A snap and the flame is instantly extinguished. She places a lid atop the cauldron and turns her whole attention onto Luz. "If leaders are considered the most powerful of their covens, the High Council is the most gifted of their members. In a way, they're the powerful who didn't want the responsibility of leadership but still wanted everyone to know what they're _capable_ of."

"And by capable, you mean-" Luz was _almost_ afraid to know the answer. 

Lilith surely didn't disappoint. "They want you to know how _effortlessly_ they could kill you."

" _Oh_ ," Luz shivered, a shard of ice running down her spine. "I might regret asking, but how do you become a member of the High Council?"

"Only one of the main nine can be a member," Lilith gently explained. She cocked her hip against the side of the breakfast table, her arms folding over her chest. "And it's as simple as winning Belos' favor."

Luz let the information digest. Her eyes are wide, unblinking. Since the portal was destroyed and Eda was saved from petrification, it's always _bugged_ Luz as to why Belos wasted his time allowing Lilith to hunt her sister in the manner she was. _Especially_ considering it was only a _month_ before the incident Lilith began _actively_ pursing Eda. Why wait so long? And discovering he has an assortment of wickedly gifted witches at his beck and call only _added_ to the bafflement of it all. Luz doesn't understand how Belos operates. Doesn't think she _ever_ wants to. 

Luz chewed on her lip. "I take it," She responded, carefully. "It's not really that simple, is it?"

"It isn't." Lilith confirmed. "Very few ever do."

"And you had to deal with them?"

"Rarely, mind you. Belos likes to keep them spread throughout the Isles."

"Why?"

Lilith quirked a brow. "A show of force, I suppose."

"Oh." Luz winced. That ought to have been obvious, even to her. "What was it like to be in a room with them?" _Oh, Dios, tell me they didn't threaten you_. _Gifted or not, I will_ -

"Aggravating." Lilith deadpanned. 

Luz choked on a surprised laugh, the blank stare on Lilith's face further spurring her coughing fit. She swallows it all down after a few rough pats on the back from the older woman, worry and amusement clear in her eyes. "You weren't afraid?" She asked, clearing her throat. 

Lilith is contemplative for a second before she responds. "None but _one_ has ever held a candle to the same raw power like Edalyn. So, no, I can't say I was ever afraid." Well, _that_ answers one of Luz's looming questions. 

_Wait_. Luz perked up at the sudden realization of what Lilith said. " _Aw_ , Lily," She coos, her eyes softening and a blossoming smile stretching across her face. She slaps the palms of her hands against her cheeks as she squeaks. "Is that a _compliment_ I hear?" 

It takes Lilith a second to comprehend before she visibly reacts. The tips of the older woman's pointed ears turn pink as she flushes, her head pointedly turning away from the teen as she growls lowly. " _Enough_. You're _not_ cute."

"I'm freaking _adorable_ ," Luz countered. Her ribs ache from the amount of laughter she's withheld within the last hour. She's merciful and refocuses. "So, who is it?"

Lilith's frame is rigid, made even stiffer by the conversation at hand. "Mira Rime," Her voice is hard, as unyielding as a glacier. "She's an illusionist with extraordinary power, and she _isn't_ afraid to use it." 

Luz frowned. "She's pretty powerful, huh?"

" _Immensely_ so," Lilith works her jaw a few times, a growl emitting in her words. A _warning_. "If you ever come across a woman bearing the Emperor's glyph in blood red instead of gold, you _run_. Don't _ever_ confront her. I don't even think at her best Edalyn could stand a chance against her." She only marginally relaxes at the mention of her sister. "Don't ever let her know I said that. Knowing my sister, she'll take it as a challenge." 

"That does sound like Eda." Luz nodded, face ashen. She breathed in heavily and a familiar scent hit her nose. "Hey, what's that smell?" She sniffed a few more times to confirm she isn't imaging it. 

"Hm?" Lilith straightens from her position, redirecting her attention to the cauldron. "Oh, the potion's complete." She removed the lid and the liquid inside was a shimmering red.

"Wow," Luz peers into the cauldron, her fingers wrapping around the cooled rim as she rises up an inch to get a better view. "It doesn't smell like rotting algae and sewer water anymore." 

Lilith _tsked_ , but smirked at the response. "It _is_ unpleasant in the beginning."

"That's an understatement. It smells _so_ nice now. Like lavender and jasmine. Do you smell it?"

"I do, but it's not the same scent you're inferring to." 

"What do you mean?" Luz realized her mistake a second too late as she looked up at the older woman.

Lilith levels a hard stare straight at her. _Knowing_ the answer already to the question she was asking. "You weren't paying a single attention to the book, were you?"

Luz offers a sheepish smile; eyes casted down to the cauldron. "Uh, maybe?" She honestly replied. There's no point in lying to a potions witch. Really, there's no point in lying to _Lilith_. 

"It's a calming elixir," Lilith informed, muttering under her breath about more rigorous tutoring sessions before continuing on. "The scent is different for everyone and it can easily change for one person. Whatever comforts you the most will be the most recurring scent." 

"What comforts you the most." Luz repeated, her brows furrowing in thought. Lavender and jasmine was _Lilith's_ scent. Her heart pounded in equal measures wonderment and a wrongness that terrifies her. She expected to catch whiffs of her _mami_ , but the scent wasn't changing in the slightest as she continued to breathe it in. What if she's _forgotten_ what she smells like? The calming elixir kept the panic at bay. And no matter the guilt gnawing a hole in her gut, Luz eagerly let the scent wash over her. 

"It helped me through some particularly rough patches in my years," Lilith mused, temporarily disrupting the teen's inner turmoil. "Suppose it doesn't help I've never liked how sleep remedies made feel in the morning, so this turned out to be a decent substitute." 

Luz kept her eyes on the cauldron. "What scent comforts you the most?" She asked, her voice whisper soft. 

Lilith was silent for a long time, so much so Luz thought she crossed a line with the older woman. Then she softly chuckled. "I thought it was obvious."

Tilting her head up, Luz couldn't keep the bafflement from twisting her features. "How so?"

"I'll give you a hint. She's the very source of my every annoyance, but she's what I fight so desperately for."

Lilith's eyes are shimmering with affection when they meet hers, all the love she kept sealed up for Eda shining through for Luz to see. It stirred an ache in her. "Eda, huh?" She pushed the _hurt_ down, uncomprehending _why_ it was so painful in the first place. 

The older woman frowned, the love only meant for Eda vanishing behind her concernment for Luz. "Luz, you're pale," Her hand is hesitantly held out, as if she wants to touch Luz's cheek, before she drops it. "Are you feeling alright?"

Luz shakily smiled. "I'm okay," She reassured. She swallows down some emotion she can't decipher. "Can I have some of this?"

Lilith smiled, so soft Luz felt her shoulders drooping of their own accord. A welcomed anesthetic to the pain in her chest. "Of course you can. It was made for _you_." Luz's heart leapt in joy. Lilith made it for _her_. And it quickly plummeted when Lilith continued. "I've noticed you've been having trouble sleeping again."

 _Ah_. _There_ it is. The conversation Lilith was hinting towards earlier. 

The teen's eyes trained down to the assortment of jars and away from Lilith's all knowing gaze. "And so what if I have?" Luz fidgeted, picking non-existent lint from her purple hoodie before balling her hands into fists in her lap. " _You_ haven't been sleeping." 

Lilith wasn't fazed. "The _curse_ keeps me awake most nights," She said; the tone of her voice brooked no room for argument. " _You_ , on the other hand, are a different story."

Luz kept quiet. Not today. Today she wasn't going to cry. She was _fine_. She _needed_ to be fine. Just one _normal_ day. _Please_. 

Lilith knew. She _always_ knew. "I'm never going to force you to talk to me, Luz," Lilith lowered her head to catch the downcast eyes of the teen, effortlessly capturing Luz's full attention, her gaze instinctively locking on those heterochromatic eyes. "Just know I'm _here_ whenever you're ready to talk; whenever you _need_ me, okay? You're _not_ alone, remember?"

Luz opened her mouth to respond but a _slam_ was heard behind them. The teen jumped in alarm, while Lilith's soft smile swiftly fell from her lips and Luz was reintroduced to the blank stare that she likes to refer to as Lilith's default expression. Luz frowned at the sight of it. She's grown so accustomed to the subtle shifts in her face the teen can't say she's a real fan of the _nothingness_ she sees now. 

Eda strolls into the kitchen, the edges of her mouth drawn down into a sneer. Her movements are jerky, anger radiating off her in waves. "Here, kid," She unceremoniously drops a slumbering King into Luz's unsuspecting arms, the teen scrambling to get a grip around the demon before he drops to the floor. "Take him and go to your room. Lils and I need to have a little chat."

" _Eda_ ," Luz warned, a threat clear in the shift of her stance. Her eyes narrowed ominously. "I'm _not_ leaving if you two are going to destroy the kitchen. _Again_."

"Don't worry," Eda teased, a roll of her eyes following as she easily hoists the teen off the breakfast table with King still gripped in her arms. She carefully sets Luz down. "I'm not going to break your new favorite toy."

"Lilith's _not_ a toy, Eda." Luz argued. She still didn't make any move to leave the kitchen.

"It's fine, Luz." Lilith said, her voice dissonantly calm. "I'll get these bottled for you. Run along now."

Mahogany eyes briefly glanced at the aggravated tension still clinging to her mentor; then to the eerily calm of the elder Clawthorne. She chewed her lip in indecisiveness. Leaving them alone didn't settle well in her stomach, but Lilith's barely noticeable tilt of the head commanded her feet to head out of the kitchen. She only glanced back over her shoulder when she passed the threshold, the sisters now locked in a stare down. She prayed to whoever was listening that the house would still be in one piece later and headed up the stairs. 

//

Head tilted, Eda waited until the sound of her apprentice's footsteps faded up the stairs before addressing her sister with the full force of her ire. "It was a waste of my time," She spat, yanking a chair out from under the breakfast table with a horrible _screech_ as it dragged on the floor. "A complete _fucking_ waste of my time." She ungracefully fell into the chair, tilting it back on its hindlegs. 

" _Language_ , Edalyn," Lilith scolded, the words rolling so effortlessly off her tongue it might as well be second nature to her. The lines of annoyance marring her neutral features satisfied the child-like part of Eda (Lily was just _too_ easy to rile up). She leveled her sister with a stare Eda was all too familiar with, a healthy dose of exasperation and hopelessness at her sister's antics. "And I gathered as much. What happened?" 

Eda craned her neck at an angle, breaking their connection to stare at the ceiling like it was the source of her irritation. "A whole lot of nothing, _that's_ what happened." She drummed her fingers on the table, unaware of the pair of eyes watching the movement. "Not a single soul, it seems, on the Isles knows _anything_ of another portal to the human realm." 

" _Someone_ must know something." Lilith argued.

"Well, _no one_ knows anything," Eda countered. The chair slammed down hard on the ground as Eda righted it back into position. She pointed an accusatory finger at her sister, who snapped her eyes up to the offending appendage with a widened gaze. "I even went to the library, Lily. The _library_. _Me_." She threw her arms out in exaggeration, catching her sister's eyes following one of her hands. It seemed she was still not quite over the occasional detachment of her little sister's body parts. Eda considered messing with her before disregarding it. _Later_. 

"Oh, the horrors." Lilith flatly stated, tearing her eyes off Eda's hand.

"It _was_."

"Is the library still standing?"

" _Regrettably_."

Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose, a surefire sign of her creeping annoyance, and breathed heavily. She leant most of her weight against the side of the breakfast table and folded her arms over her chest. "How should we proceed from here then?" She inquired, more to the room than to her sister. 

Eda's amused grin fell from her face. "I don't know what else to do, Lily." She said, sighing. "I don't know how to get her home."

Lilith hummed. "I could try speaking to a few of my acquaintances in the Emperor's Coven," She supplied, unfolding her arms as she pushed off the table. "Someone is bound to know _something_. Or at least _heard_ of another portal." 

Eda gritted her teeth. "No," She snarled. "I'm _not_ letting you endanger yourself for this." 

"Edalyn-"

" _No_ , Lily. They _can't_ be trusted. You should _know_ this by now."

Lilith looked down at her with an eerie sense of calm. As crafty as her elder sister likes to _think_ she is, Lilith can't _hide_ from her little sister, the hurt and guilt so palpable in her eyes Eda felt it in her own chest; knocking the breath right out of her. Harming Lilith was the _last_ thing Eda ever wanted to do, she's not a _monster_ , but her sister was deceptively naïve when it came to the coven she cherishes so much, even _now_. After _everything_ they've been through with Belos, Lilith still held some notion he was doing it for the betterment of the Isles. Eda couldn't fault her for it, either. Not really. Someone can't change the way they think overnight. It'll take time and _a lot_ of setbacks to reset the way Lilith sees the Emperor and his shamble of a coven system.

She can't change her sister's views, she's accepted that, but she'll be damned if she's going to just let her sister walk straight into the arms of the enemy. Lilith might be the eldest, but _Eda_ has always been the _protector_. That _hasn't_ changed. 

Eda turned to look out the window, a swell of fierce protectiveness pushed against her breastbone; the cursed form answering in tandem with a roar in the back of her conscience. Her shoulders dropped with an unspoken _I'm sorry_. Her gaze swept the land surrounding her home as she listened to the sound of Lilith moving away and rummaging around the kitchen for spare jars, the _I understand_ in her sigh. 

The movement stalled momentarily, a creak of the cabinet opening the only source of sound before: "How did you come across the one Luz destroyed? Maybe we can start there." Lilith inquired as an olive branch, a huff in her breath. Most likely from the weight of the box of jars she found, if the scraping sound was any indicator, Eda mused. Or annoyance. Eda wasn't curious enough to bother finding out. 

Eda hummed. "Don't know."

"I'm sorry, _what_?"

Eda couldn't contain the cackle. She couldn't help it even if she tried. She slapped the table with the palm of her hand as she bent over and clutched her side with her other arm. "Ah, Lily," She breathed out between chuckles, immensely enjoying the growl emitting from her sister. "The kid's really rubbing off on you." 

"She _what_? What does that even _mean_?"

Eda cackled all the harder. She couldn't _breathe_. "It's an _expression_ , Lily," Her ribs _ached_ as she struggled to catch her breath. "What do _you_ think it means? No, really, I wanna know. _Ha_."

" _No_ , and your deflections are as immeasurably _trying_ as I remember."

"Aw, sorry to say, sister dear, but flattery will get you nowhere." 

" _Quit_ deflecting, Edalyn."

Wiping away the tears gathered in her eyes, Eda leaned up and looked over at her incensed sister. Lilith was flushed to the tips of her pointed ears, a glower firmly etched into her features. Unlike Luz, Eda wasn't so merciful. "You know," She drawled, her lips curving further up in amusement when Lilith's eyes narrow in suspicion. "I _think_ you like Luz more than you want me to believe. Why else would you be so adamant about getting her home?" 

Lilith spluttered. She accidentally slammed the box of jars down harder than she intended on the table. It made her flush all the worst. "We're _not_ doing this," She demanded, her jaw lined with an obvious tension. "How do you _not_ know where you came across the portal? _Answer_."

"Like I said," Eda murmured, leaning back in her chair and folding her arms over her chest. "Don't know how I came across it. One second I'm the owl beast; the next I've got a key to another realm hanging out of my mouth. And the _worst_ case of morning breath of my life. _Yeesh_."

"You're _joking_."

" _Never_ with you, Lils." 

Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose. _Again_. "So, we're right back to where we started then."

"You betcha."

Lilith visibly deflated. It tugged at Eda's heartstrings. Revealing a weakness was _not_ a trait Eda associated her sister with. She was up and moving before she even registered it, her arms encircling her elder sister's waist from behind. She propped her chin on her shoulder; felt the the stiffness at the unexpected contact in her sister's whole frame. Lilith's hands shot up and cinched around her forearms. "Hey," Eda soothed, her voice a soft purr. _Aware_ her sister was awfully awkward with affection. "I'm not giving up on this. You're right; someone out there knows something. We just need to find them." 

"This is all _my_ fault," Lilith choked, clutching desperately to Eda's forearms. Her sharp nails pricked her skin, but Eda remained still, her heart constricting painfully in her chest at the sheer _agony_ in Lilith's voice. How many nights has she lied awake _blaming_ herself? How many had _Lilith_? "If I had just _listened_ to you _none_ of this would have happened."

Eda shook her head, her chin brushing against the cotton material of her sister's sweater, and blew out an uneven breath. "None of that now," She muttered, snuggling closer to Lilith to offer all the reassurance physically possible of her. "If we're going to play the blame game, _I'm_ winning by a landslide. _I_ let Luz stay. _I_ knew the risks. _I_ knew Belos wanted the portal. All _me_ , Lily."

If _I_ never threatened her life," Lilith vehemently swore, still gripped so tightly by her guilt she couldn't comprehend a word her little sister said. Couldn't fathom how it could ever be _Eda's_ fault. "You'd still have the portal _and_ your magic, Edalyn. She would have been able to go _home_." 

"You don't _know_ that," Eda argued as fiercely as her sister. "I would have slipped at some point. Got caught. The only saving grace I had last time was you and Luz." 

"As if I'd let anyone harm you." The snarl in Lilith's voice was far more welcomed to the broken one she heard seconds ago. More reminiscent of the Lilith she knew. "Not like I did."

Eda's lips twisted into a sly smile. "That's cute, Lily." She patted her sister's stomach, ignoring the squawk of protest it earned her. "Alright, no more of this blaming ourselves game. We're in this together now. We'll figure it out and get Luz _home_." 

Lilith loosened her grip but didn't completely release her hold on Eda's forearms. "And you say Luz, what was it, rubbed off on _me_?" She attempted to joke, the scratchy quality of her voice betraying the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. "She's made _you_ far more cuddlier than I remember you being."

Eda hummed, noncommittally, a gentle chuckle softening the rigidness in Lilith's shoulders. She peered down at the cauldron, a sudden recall of Lilith mentioning to Luz she'd bottle the shimmering red liquid for her. She took a whiff and caught traces of vanilla and cinnamon. "Is that a calming elixir? What's Luz need it for?"

The rigidness returned, though Lilith attempted to hide it by rolling her shoulders. "It's for her class. She was struggling on her own, so I lent my assistance."

 _Ah_ , _there it is_. The _lie_. Eda pursed her lips together in silent deliberation, the protectiveness further swelling; the beast in its cage roaring and thrashing. She unconsciously tightened her hold on her sister, the soft gasp falling on deaf ears. Whatever was going on between Luz and Lilith, it appeared they were under the assumption Eda was oblivious to it. How could they expect her _not_ to see the dark circles under their eyes, the loss of light in Luz's smiles, the secretive glances the two share? Her reconciliation with her sister is still fresh and it's opened her eyes to a sight she didn't particularly like. Was something _wrong_? Did they think Eda _couldn't_ help? Were they _ever_ going to tell _her_? 

Eda closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, her sister's achingly familiar scent engulfing her senses. _Titans_ , what she would _give_ to return to their younger years, when the only thing that ever mattered to her was invading her sister's personal space and launching into a spiel about her latest prank. To turn back the clock and _fix_ what was _broken_ in her elder sister before it ever happened. She internally struggled with the concept of keeping her mouth shut about this latest situation. Cornering Lilith in the past had only ever given Eda harsh glares and spiteful words; _Luz_ couldn't be any different if her dear, emotionally stunted Lily was her source of comfort right now. _Waiting_ was all Eda could do at the moment; no matter how much the thought of it scared her. That she could lose Luz; lose Lilith _again_. Eventually, something will have to give. Eda _refused_ to be alone again. 

A soft nuzzle against her midnight blue hair and Eda finally, _reluctantly_ , removes herself from Lilith, the elder's fingertips dragging against the skin of her arms; briefly tightening, as if she didn't want Eda to leave just let, before letting her go. She moves to stand at her sister's side, carefully lifting a jar. "I'm sure the kid won't mind if I steal one these, yeah?" She murmured, humming to herself as she filled the jar. _I'll play ignorant for now, Lily. But only for so long. I won't let this destroy my family._

Lilith watched her, clearly trying to sort through her emotions. "I'm sure she wouldn't." She confirmed. She focused back on filling the jars.

"You know," Eda started, drawing away from her sorrowed thoughts. Her jar was set off to the side as she ran her hands behind her neck with a long, drawn out breath. "This means the cure for the curse won't take precedence anymore."

Lilith paused. "I'm fully aware." And then resumed her task. 

"Is she worth it to you?"

"She's _more_ than worth it to me."

//

It's later in the evening Lilith finds herself the center of everyone's amusement. _Again_. 

She's pressed against the back of the couch, her legs tucked under her and a flush on her cheeks. She's dispelled the magic on her eyes, her rounded glasses perched on her nose. Edalyn's head is currently occupying her lap as she cackles and snorts, her face burying itself into Lilith's stomach. A part of Lilith dares her to push her sister off the couch, while another basks in the physical comfort Edalyn unknowingly provides her. Obviously, the other half of her wins her over; selfishly enjoying what's being offered. 

King, the wretched demon, is spewing out insults left and right, amping up the awful cackling of her little sister. He's standing atop the low table, his paw pointed at Lilith. The older woman might have contemplated firing a spell his way if Luz's soft laughter wasn't also mixed into the situation. Her ears are attuned to the sound, a warmth settling in her chest. Even if it's at her expense, she's pleased to hear the sound. It's not everyday the human has the will to laugh so freely. 

Luz scoops up King and deposits him into her lap, silencing the insults in an instant. "Wow," She's still giggling as she speaks, hugging King close to her chest. "You weren't joking about your handwriting being atrocious." 

"I told you I don't joke." Lilith mused, her fingers briefly scratching her sister's scalp as she settled down. The flush on her cheeks was, _thankfully_ , cooling off. 

"You're lucky the Emperor's Coven doesn't check for penmanship," King remarked and Lilith frowned at the annoyance. "Or you would have been canned a _long_ time ago."

Edalyn snorted. " _Ha_. That's a good one," She lowered her voice as she spoke again. "We _love_ your enthusiasm, cursing your sister is a real crowd pleaser. But, _oh darn_ , your handwriting is just not what we're looking for. Sorry." 

Luz lit up, joining in. "Try again next year, champ! Maybe hire someone to help with... _um_ , _well_ , good luck with that."

"You might as well be part demon," King enthused. " _That's_ how awful it is."

Edalyn snorted again and rolled over to face the other two occupants. "It's not _that_ bad," She defended, and Lilith smiled before her sister continued with: "Kid Lily, on the other hand, was _definitely_ part demon." Her smile faded into a frown in an instant.

Lilith flicked her sister's ear, earning a squawked _ouch_ and a glare leveled her way. Another scratch to her scalp and Edalyn was instantly placated, her hand curling around Lilith's thigh. "I really don't see the humor in criticizing my handwriting." Lilith frowned. _Pouted_ , more like. But she'd _never_ admit it. 

Luz giggled. “ _Eres tan perfecto que es difícil creer que tu letra sea horrible._ ”

"What does being perfect have anything to do with penmanship?" Lilith questioned. 

A silence fell over the room. Edalyn and King gawked at each other, blinking owlishly. And Luz was briefly surprised before a bright smile lit up her face, pride and pleased warmth in her mahogany eyes.

"The _fuck_?!"

" _Edalyn_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts and opinions, as always! And thank you for all the nice reviews! You guys are too nice. *wipes away tear*


	5. on my own

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and 7 months before fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much dialogue. Call this the dialogue chapter.

To Luz, Knetwell was painted in various shades of gray. 

In other words, it was _dreary._

Knetwell is, as Eda once described it in her best imitation of a posh tone, the _snooty_ side of the Boiling Isles, located just off the northeastern side of Bonesborough; it was here the mass majority of the Isles’ most prestigious witches and demons resided. The town itself was styled in a monochromatic scheme of hard metallic steel shops and smoothly paved roads -a stark contrast to Bonesborough’s more dense, medieval-style. 

Compared to Bonesborough, where _life_ was breathed into its very foundation and the people residing there, Knetwell is, for lack of a better word, _dead_. It's only source of life is found in the weak sunlight shimmering across the windows of every building; Luz surmised it wouldn’t be long before even _that_ is gone -if the dark clouds rolling in were of any judgement. 

Even its _people_ were listless. In Bonesborough, merchants were always shouting over one another to draw customers to their stands in the market (Eda having been one of them), but Knetwell’s merely observed the sea of passing bodies with a dullness in their eyes. Everyone moved with a set destination in mind in the town’s square; not a soul curiously peering into any of the small shops’ windows or the merchants’ stands to admire their wares. It was _eerie_.

Still, the artist in Luz catalogued everything in her sights for future references. It was clear to see Knetwell was crafted with a set purpose intended in its construction; Luz noted the certain sort of beauty beneath the functionality. It was an artificial one, of course, but if she squinted hard enough, she could almost make out its individual characteristics. 

_Almost_. She found the swankiness of it all ruined the effect, honestly. 

_And speaking of swanky_. In comparison to her jeans, black long-sleeved shirt, and black cloak, the hood drawn up to hide her ears from prying eyes, the sight of the well-dressed residents of the town bypassing her lent Luz a disagreeable sensation that she didn’t particularly care for. Their gazes seared her skin, as if they can tell by sight alone she _doesn’t_ belong here. It added an unsettling feeling atop the uncertainty already swimming in her gut. It reminded her of the kids back home, who thought she was too weird to be around. 

Luz strolled closer to her only source of familiarity: Lilith. The older woman was by her side, a graceful sway in her long strides as they made their way through the throng of the mid-day commute. Luz traced the outline of the elder Clawthrorne’s profile with her eyes. Lilith looked... _well,_ she looked like she _belonged_ here amongst the influential. Gone was the oversized sweater and legging combo Luz had grown accustomed to - _preferred_ even; replaced by a pristine white button down shirt tucked into a pair of black trousers that disappeared under a pair of equally pristine leather boots. A similar cloak to Luz’s was draped over her shoulders and held together by a silver raven brooch, though she kept the hood drawn down. It cut her figure nicely, Luz admitted; easily blending her in with the high society. Luz wondered if Lilith was previously living here before the Owl House. 

She might’ve asked if her thoughts didn’t trail off in a puff of air; her head snapping away from Lilith and in the direction of glittering bronze standing out amongst the shades of gray. _There_ , perched on a cafe’s empty table across the street, was a bronze metal cobra; Luz got the creepy sensation it was following _her_ with its beady eyes. She didn’t even realize she’d stopped walking until she noticed from her peripheral Lilith quickly turning left and heading up a street. 

_Wait_. In typical Luz Noceda fashion, Luz tripped over her own feet in her haste to keep from losing the older woman in the crowd, and she nearly careened straight into an older man’s path in the process. His snarled comment on her clumsiness was of little concern to the teen, too ensnared by the _fear_ of being _separated_ from Lilith to apologize in her usual manner.

She rounded the corner, the sight of an empty alleyway greeting her stirring the panic in the back of her head. Luckily, she caught the tail end of Lilith’s cloak disappearing around another corner up ahead. She raced after her, chest heaving as she cut the corner a little too harshly, before her brain short circuited at the influx of _colors_ assaulting her senses. 

Her feet stalled in an instant.

The drab grays of Knetwell’s town square gave way to redbrick houses lined down the narrow street on either side; each one of them holding their own little charm that Luz had been seeking out back in the square. Not-a-one had a front yard to really speak of, but the potted plants housed on windowsills created the illusion of living out of the central part of town. And the clinking of windchimes in the wind drowned out the monotone voices of the bustling crowd that floated down from the alleyway at her back. It was such a stark _difference_ Luz had to wonder if she was even still _in_ Knetwell anymore. 

She spotted Lilith further up the street, her feet moving on instinct to rejoin her side. Except she barely made it one step before a pained cry was wrenched from her throat. 

Someone had grabbed her wrist.

Alarmed, Luz turned and her hood threatened to fall back at the sudden movement. Coming face to face with her assailant, Luz's eyes widened at the golden pair meeting her own with an anger burning in them. It was the older man she nearly ran into. Her mouth moved to speak, but his grip tightened around her wrist and she whimpered instead. 

He yanked her further back into the alley. Luz’s mind went racing in panic and fear. It clouded her thoughts to the point she couldn't even find it in her to reach for one of the glyphs stowed in her back pocket. She choked on a scream; Lilith’s name searing a path down her throat. 

Her back was shoved roughly into a wall. “I’ve never seen you around here before, child. What's your name? Who are your parents?" He snarled with suspicion rumbling in his deep baritone; his grip growing tighter with every word. "They did a poor job raising you, that’s for certain. Did they not teach you to respect your elders?" 

Luz didn’t hear a word he spat at her, her eyes frantically searching around her for any sign of Lilith. Her mouth opened, her tongue fumbling to voice her words, but she couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat. She was petrified, her entire frame trembling in fear. Tears burned her eyes. _Have I always been this weak_? _Where’s Lilith_? _Did she leave me_? _Please, don’t leave me_. She squeezed her eyes shut-

"I'd release her if I were you." 

-and abruptly snapped them open at the sound of the sweet, melodic voice. She whirled her head to face the source of it at the same time as the older man. 

A woman the same height as Luz stood at the entrance to the alleyway, clad in a burgundy dress that was cinched at the waist, accentuating her hourglass figure. Her abundance of green curls were tucked away by a wide brimmed hat the same color as her dress, and her eyes were the same shade of gold as the older man’s own pair, - _seriously, what is with witches and gold eyes_?- but they were _so_ much _warmer_ , like molten gold. A calm smile never once left her in the face of the brute sneering down at her. 

The man’s whole demeanor shifted at the sight of her. His lips curled into a sneer disguised as a smile. "This isn’t of any concern to you, Rime.” So poised was his tone Luz questioned if a snarl had really been present when he spoke to her seconds ago. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

The woman - _Rime_ , Luz corrected- only smiled wider as she calmly replied. “Well, you’re right, it’s certainly no real concern of _mine_ ,” smooth like honey was the best description Luz had of Rime’s voice; the pitch higher and more feminime than the Clawthorne sisters’ more smokish drawls. Her chin tilted up as she went on, “but if I were _you_ , I’d be concerned about _her_.”

Luz looked over the woman’s shoulder. Her heart leapt into her throat in sudden _relief_. It was _Lilith_. And either the older man recognized her face or was scared senseless by the livid expression she wore, by the cold fury in her heterochromatic eyes, by the violent intent bleeding out of her hurried pace, but his hand was wrenched from her wrist and was storming back down the alley before Lilith even made it _halfway_ to them. 

The teen kept her eyes on him until he disappeared around the corner leading back to the town’s square. Might have let her gaze linger a little longer if her head wasn’t suddenly turned back around, a pair of cold fingers against her chin directing her to face Lilith’s concerned eyes. Luz almost leapt completely off the ground out of fright; a heat bloomed in her cheeks in embarrassment at her reaction. 

_Not my fault Lilith is so damn fast_ , she groaned inwardly. 

“Are you alright?” Lilith breathed, a raw edge of panic in her voice. She was none the wiser to the flush creeping over Luz’s cheeks as her eyes and hands roamed over the teen’s body for any signs of injuries. “Did he hurt you?” Her panicking flat-lined into anger as she growled. “If he so much as-”

Luz intervened before Lilith could finish her threat. “Yes, I’m fine, everything’s fine,” she replied, regaining her composure, despite the throbbing in her wrist. She decided in a split second it was best to keep _that_ quiet, because a _promise_ of _murder_ was in Lilith’s eyes. 

Anything Lilith might have said was stopped by a soft laughter. Like bells in the wind.

“Ah,” Luz could _hear_ the smile in Rime’s melodic tone, her mahogany eyes gravitating to the woman like a moth to a flame. “I figured she must have been yours, Lily dear.” Her smile turned wry. “She has your flush.”

Unsurprisingly, it was impossible to miss the blush that crept onto the older woman’s cheeks. She let her gaze sweep over Luz one last time, seemingly appeased she found no harm to her charge, and took a step back from her personal space. Her sharp gaze cut to the other woman. “You could have lent her some assistance instead of just _standing_ there.” The growl rumbled in her throat. That same threat was in her tone. 

Rime feigned hurt. “She was hardly in any danger,” a smile was in her reply, so much so Luz wondered if there ever _wasn’t_. “You were already on your way when I located her, and if something _were_ to happen before you arrived, _obviously_ I would’ve aided her.” Her smile turned coy. “Has motherhood turned you so distrustful of me, Lily dear?”

Lilith gaped at her. “You _know_ she isn’t my child,” she spluttered. “She doesn’t even _look_ like me.”

Rime’s coy smile turned gleeful, ever so slightly widening; ignoring Lilith as if she’s done it her whole life. “Then she takes after her father,” she exclaimed excitedly, clearly reveling in Lilith’s displeased anguish. “Or her _other_ mother. I _do_ recall men were never of your fancy.” 

Lilith flushed again. “She’s not _mine_ , Elara.” 

“You keep telling yourself that, love,” Rime - _or Elara_ \- quipped. “But I must say, she is quite the cutie. Kudos to you, dear.” 

_What_ , Luz’s eyes darted from Lilith to Rime, and back. _Is happening here_?

It took her by surprise, the jolt of _envy_ she found herself feeling as she watched their interaction, that is; so unaccustomed to Lilith at ease around another soul that wasn’t her sister, that wasn’t _her_. She frowned, unconsciously shifting closer to Lilith’s side, her eyes narrowing at the other woman she so suddenly _didn’t_ want to _like_. It was hard not to, too. Rime - _or Elara_ \- just _radiated_ a warmth Luz wanted to bask in. Was that why Lilith was so at ease around her?

“Oh, how rude of me,” lips still curled into a smile, Rime set her sights onto Luz, the warm amber of her eyes effortlessly drawing the teen in. She really, _really_ hated that. “My name is Elara Rime,” she held her hand out toward Luz. “And you must be Luz.”

Luz ignored her hand. “How do you know my name?” She asked her slowly, voice edged in hostility, with an undertone of suspicion. 

“That would be me,” Lilith answered, her eyes widening at the sharp look Luz threw her way. “I sent a message letting her know we were headed here, remember?” 

Luz looked at her curiously; then it clicked. “Wait, you mean she’s...” Her words trailed off as she locked gazes with Elara. The woman was still _smiling_. Still _warm_. It had to be the work of magic. There’s no way it was possible for someone to be so cheery all the time. 

“The very one,” Lilith confirmed. “Meet Elara Rime, renowned healer of the Boiling Isles.”

Elara mocked curtsy. “It’s my utmost pleasure to be at your service.” She shot up, quickly heading back out onto the street. She called out to them over her shoulder. “Shall we?” 

Luz was lost for a moment -sincerely and utterly confused. " _That’s_ who’s going to help me?” She let herself stare blankly at the other woman before gazing up at Lilith. “You sure you got the right healer? She seems very...”

“Eccentric?” Lilith supplied.

“ _...bubbly_.” Luz finished. 

Lilith stifled a laugh. “Well, yes, I suppose bubbly works, too.” She turned on her heel and started walking, and Luz scrambled to keep up with her. She was _not_ losing her again. “Actually,” Lilith added, slowing her pace for the teen to rejoin her side. “She reminds me of _you_.”

Luz stopped in her tracks. Really, how was she supposed to respond to that?

//

Stepping into Elara’s house was like stepping into a different world. 

Elara Rime’s home was very much like the woman herself: warm and inviting. They were met with a floral-like scent and aged wood, mixed with the warm aroma of something that resembled a steaming cup of earl grey tea. The floral scent, Luz realized, came from the house plants meticulously scattered around the living space, from hanging down the ceiling to covering any flat surface available to them, like the wall-to-wall bookshelves and the end tables on either side of a couch; even the coffee table wasn’t safe from their mass invasion. One wall, the wall that faced the outside of the redbrick houses street, was entirely made from glass, and the view it granted was ethereal; the everblooming garden in the backyard something straight out of a fairytale. 

The dark furniture and mahogany hardwood floors gave the space a richly warm feeling instead of dark and depressing -even as the dark clouds blocked the sun and kept any natural light from filling the living room. Unlike the Owl House, Elara’s home was more like an open-floor concept, the dark granite island with its dark wood cabinets separating the small kitchen from the rest of the main area, and a staircase at the end of a small hallway that wasn’t far from the front door led to what Luz assumed were Elara’s bedrooms. Breathing in the smells of various flora and tea leaves, Luz felt like a warm blanket was draped over her and all her worries were smothered down and silenced. 

Luz shuffled awkwardly into the house and looked around with wide eyes, while Lilith strolled further into the space like she’s been here a thousand times. “There’s something else I failed to mention in my message about Luz.” She explained as her jaw clenched, her lips thinning into a frown. 

“Unless you’re going to tell me she’s _actually_ your illegitimate child with a lover, which I’d be _hurt_ you didn’t tell me about,” Elara quipped over her shoulder as she strolled around her granite island to enter her small kitchen. “I already know she’s human.” She grabbed a kettle and set it over the stove, a flame flickering to life with a wave of her finger. “Anyone care for a cup of tea?”

She said it so casually Luz felt her mouth drop open in shock. Lilith, meanwhile, pinched the bridge of her nose -most likely in exasperation of the illegitimate child comment-, but showed no other sign of being surprised. “How did you know?” Luz asked, a fearful expression on her face. _Did my hood fall_? _Were my ears showing_? She flicked her gaze to Lilith, hoping beyond hope the older woman wouldn’t be mad at her for the blunder. 

Elara waved her hand. “It’s quite simple, sweetie,” she chortled. “What other reason would there need to be of a message sent, briefly explaining to me Lily dear has a child in need of a healer’s services, refrain from going into too much detail, _and_ risk being arrested by bringing her here to Knetwell just to see _me_?” She met Luz’s gaze before flicking to Lilith. “Lilith is a skilled potionist; so, logically, the only reason there could be she’s unsure if our healing brews won’t kill you because your system is different from ours.” 

Luz gaped at her. _Just_ gaped. Mouth still wide open.

“Am I wrong?” Asked Elara, coyly. 

Lilith responded for Luz. “You’re not,” she mused, her lips curling into a warm smile Luz is _floored_ by. It’s wiped away just as quickly as she added, “Luz’s human biology concerns me. I don’t know how the remedies will affect her, and you’re the only healer I know who’s studied human medicine.” 

“It _is_ a delightful past-time of mine.”

“ _How_ I will never know.”

“Well, you’re caring for a _human_ child now. I’d start learning, if I were you.”

“Right,” Lilith muttered. She faced Luz, her soft smile effortlessly surfacing. “Elara’s the best for a reason, Luz,” she promised, stepping closer to the teen to squeeze her shoulder in reassurance. “You have nothing to fear with her.” 

Luz nodded. “I’m not afraid,” _liar_. “I’m more worried about how Eda’s going to take this.” _That_ was at least the truth. 

Lilith said nothing for a moment, her features a blank mask, but Luz saw the grief flare in her eyes. “You let me worry about Edalyn,” she said, squeezing her shoulder one last time before letting her go. “Now, I have some business I need to take care of,” she turned on her heel to head back to the door; to _leave_ Luz _alone_ with the _always_ smiling healer. “I’ll return shortly to collect you, Luz.”

_Leave_? _She’s leaving_? _Why do you keep leaving me_? In one swift motion, Luz was by her side, her fingers instinctively cinching themselves around the sleeve of Lilith’s shirt in some childish need of comfort. “Do you have to leave?” It was meant to be a question, but Luz heard the begging in her tone. _Please don’t leave me alone with the psychiatrist. That’s what she is, right_? She briefly wondered if the Boiling Isles even _had_ psychiatrists.

Lilith blinked in surprise and looked down at her, staring at her as if she sprouted an antenna at the top of her head. She might as well have with how _needy_ she’s being. “I can stay,” she deliberated after a moment of considered thought. A disappointment briefly flashed in her eyes; something stung Luz in the chest by the idea Lilith was disappointed in _her_. “If you need me here, I can stay.” 

She _wanted_ Lilith to stay. _Dios_ , did she ever want Lilith to stay. But she didn’t want Lilith to think of her as _weak_ ; unable to fight her own battles. She wanted to be _strong_ for her; prove she was capable of functioning alone. And with that, she released the older woman’s shirt and took a forced step back. She shook her head, tilting her chin down. “No, I got this.” _I don’t_ , _I don’t_. _Stay_.

Lilith’s brow furrowed in concern and her gaze flitted around the room before settling back on Luz. A thumb and finger hooked under her chin, coaxing her head upward, until her eyes met Lilith’s heterochromatic pair. Her expression softened. “If you _do_ find yourself in need of me,” she murmured softly, releasing Luz’s chin to grab ahold of her uninjured hand. “I’m only a call away.”

Luz slowly looked down at her hand, and her eyes widened as Lilith’s fingertips left her skin to reveal the sight of a little white raven resting in the palm of her hand. She carefully cradled it like her life depended on it. “Merely squeeze it and say my name, and I’ll be by your side in a flash.” She instructed, leveling one last affectionate smile her way before her features sharpened. “And _you_ ,” she growled, the threat rolling off her tongue as she looked at the other woman over Luz’s shoulder. “If anything happens to her, trust me, you will _not_ like the consequences.”

“She’ll be _fine_ , Lily dear,” unaffected, Elara waved her off. “She’s safe with me.”

“You better _pray_ she is.”

With the click of the door, Lilith was gone. Luz was left alone to stare down the person responsible for fixing her. 

//

“So,” Elara cheerily announced after a long silence; brushing off Luz’s scowl like she’s seen it all before, which is entirely possible if she knew Lilith, who was the _queen_ of scowls. “What’s your secret?”

Luz stared at her, utterly baffled. “Uh, my what?” 

“Your secret to Lilith, sweetie,” Elara elaborated, rounding her island with two mugs of steaming tea in her hands. “It’s not an easy feat worming one’s way into her heart.” She set them down on the freed space of her coffee table before glancing back at Luz. “As I’m sure you know.”

Luz nodded. “She doesn’t make it easy,” she said, eyeing the other woman with a curious expression on her face. Lilith’s _warm_ smile had awoken a barrage of questions the teen wanted answers for. She’s _never_ seen it before. “She likes to be difficult about it.”

“Emotions and Lilith have _never_ seen eye-to-eye, I’m afraid. To most, she’s too much of a challenge. Why bother to love someone they believe doesn’t have the capability to love them back?”

Luz wasn’t sure what she should say, so she just kept her mouth shut. A shrug was her only response. How does one even answer that? Luz wasn’t even certain herself. To Luz, loving Lilith was as natural as breathing -once she got past her defensive barriers, that is; saw the mirrored image of herself in the depths of Lilith’s soul. She saw someone who wanted to be _loved_. And love her Luz could do. _How_ couldn’t anyone else _see_ that?

Elara’s smile was unfazed by the noncommittal answer as she stepped closer. At Luz’s flinch, she paused before lifting a hand, palm up. “I’m sorry, may I see your wrist? Targon’s grip looked pretty tight back there in the alley. I just want to make sure it isn’t sprained.” 

She cringed. She had hoped everyone forgot about the incident in the alley. “You’re not going to tell Lilith, are you?” 

“I will only promise if you let me take a peek.”

Luz sighed dejectedly. “But it doesn’t hurt.” _Lie_ , was hissed in her ear; nonetheless, she acquiesced to the healer’s soft command and lifted her arm for inspection. “He didn’t grab me that hard.” _Lie_ , _lie_ , _lie_. 

“Be that as it may,” Elara said, that ever present smile in her voice unwavering in the face of the teen’s disgruntlement. “I’d rather not have Lilith storming into my home in the middle of the night because her child was, in fact, hurt here in Knetwell and I did nothing.”

Luz watched as her hand gently coiled around her wrist; her touch ever so careful as she examined the finger shaped bruises on her wrist, which revealed themselves when her sleeve slipped down. She paused, her feather light touch stilling, and a coy smile shaped her lips. “Or maybe I do. She’s adorable when she’s angry, isn’t she?”

Luz dragged oxygen into her lungs; then burst into laughter. She wheezed, _so_ surprised by the comment she nearly choked on her bubbling laugh. _This_ she wasn’t expecting. She expected her wrist to ache when Elara twisted it in a different direction -it _didn’t_. She expected Elara to jump straight into discussing Luz’s problems -she _wasn’t_. 

“Yeah,” she replied, continuing to laugh. “I don’t know what’s cuter: her angry face or King’s squeak of rage.”

Elara released her wrist, the loss of her warmth leaving behind a numbed sort of tingling sensation. “So Eda still has King living with her?” She grinned and drew away. “Well, good news is your wrist isn’t sprained. But it _is_ bruised; so I’d take it easy if I were you.”

Laughter halted, Luz gaped at her. “You know Eda?”

“Of course,” she replied. A dark leather wingback chair was set adjacent to the couch; Elara gracefully settled into it, her tiny figure dwarfed by the massive chair. She indicated the couch with her eyes to Luz before continuing, “our parents were close friends and neighbors, so naturally we were friends.” 

“You were _friends_?” Perched at the edge of the couch, Luz’s posture was hunched, hands in her lap, shoulders slanting in an unsettled manner. Her eyes darted around the room as she kept the door in her sights in case the conversation shifted in a direction she wasn’t yet prepared for. “But Lilith called you an acquaintance of hers.” 

She winced when she realized how callous it sounded. _Way to be rude, Noceda_. 

“Did she now,” Elara replied lightheartedly. “Leave it to Lilith to call over twenty years of companionship an _acquaintanceship_.” A slight look of amusement crossed her face. “Then again, I considered them a field study for the longest time. The Clawthorne sisters are a _very_ interesting duo.”

“Sure, if you call destroying a room anytime they argue interesting,” Luz said dryly. She can already see the Owl House in shambles when they return home. 

“They still do that? I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“You mean this is _normal!_?!” 

Elara laughed, the sound still like bells in the wind. “I’m afraid so, sweetie. I’d say they’ve hardly changed.” She briefly paused to set her mug on the armrest of her chair. “Well, if you disregard the curse, the lies, the years of isolation from each other. Then, yes, they’re the same.”

Luz blinked, unsure. “They told you what happened?”

Elara’s smile was sympathetic. “No, sweetie, they didn’t,” she answered. She tapped her chin with her finger; her gaze shifted skyward. “I had my suspicions, though.”

“What, uh,” Luz ventured, cautiously. “What confirmed them?”

“It was, _hm_ , Lilith’s eighth year in the coven, I believe, when she showed up on my doorstep at three in the morning,” Elara leveled her with a conspiratorial look. “She wanted everything I had on curses and their cures. If that had been the _only_ thing, I could’ve played it off as simply her sisterly obligation to help Eda. _But_ she was also suddenly so curious about _human_ mental illnesses. It didn’t take me long to realize _cursing_ her sister was all Lilith’s severe anxiety needed to spiral out of control.” 

Luz stared at her openly, not saying a word. A repeat of _she knew_ , _she knew_ , _she knew_ blaring in her head. 

As if she were psychic, Elara stated, “I’m a _healer_. I was naturally gifted, even as a child, and I _hated_ it then, to be honest. I could _see_ Lilith was weighed down by her expectations to be perfect; by her fears of being left behind,” she exhaled softly, “but I couldn’t _help_ her.” 

“ _What_?!” Luz sprung forward from her spot on the couch, the momentum pushing her too far and smacked her knees against the edge of the coffee table. Her untouched mug of tea rattled against the wood. “I don’t understand,” she shook her head. “If you were _so_ gifted, why _couldn’t_ you help her?” _Could this have all been avoided_? _Did they really have to suffer_?

There’s a long pause from the other woman, her demeanor cool in the midst of Luz’s turbulence. “She wouldn’t _let_ me. To Lilith, her fears and anxieties were a _weakness_.”

“That’s _not_ an excuse not to help her!” Luz looked at her, a _defensive_ rage creeping into her mahogany eyes as she snarled, “you’re one of them, _aren’t you_?!”

Elara’s expression didn’t waver, but her eyes sharpened ever so slightly. “I’d tread carefully if I were you, dear.”

She went ignored. “How _dare_ you call yourself her _friend_!” A warning rang in her head as she growled. Her hands balled at her sides as fury exploded within her. “When you’re one of those who thought she was too much of a _burden_ to love!”

The warmth in gold eyes was snuffed in an instant. Luz was stopped cold by _what_ replaced it.

Devastation. Helplessness. Yearning. _Devastated_ by the vacant gnawing of a feeling to see someone she thought would _never_ come back to her, because there was no replacement, no substitute to block the _emptiness_ in her. _Helpless_ because, with all her knowledge and power, it was _useless_ if someone didn’t want it; if they’d rather suffer _alone_. A hollow soul _yearned_ to be occupied again by another; to fill the hole left in the wake of a desire for someone to _stay_ with her; to not _leave_ her alone.

_Lilith._ With a sudden clarity, Luz _understood_. 

Luz opened her mouth, either to rebuke her words or apologize, but Elara merely held a hand up, halting her words in an instant. Taking a sip of her cooling tea, she eyed Luz over the rim of her mug. The disarray of emotions Luz caught sight of locked themselves away once more behind the slowly resurfacing warmth in her eyes. She set her mug down. “If I had _chased_ her, _pushed_ her too far, do you think she would’ve still sought me out at her _worst_?” She leveled Luz with a blank stare. “Would _you_?”

_No_. The panic and pain engraved in jagged lines on pale flesh flashed in Luz’s mind. She squeezed her eyes shut to block it out. “I guess not,” she relented. Her shoulders sagged in defeat as she settled back down at the edge of the couch. Guilt gnawed away at her insides. “Why was it _so_ important to her to be better than Eda?” 

Elara hummed in thought. “Did either of them ever tell you what an Old Blood is?”

Luz blinked her eyes open, a look of bewilderment twisting her features. “A what?”

“An Old Blood. It basically means blood of an old witching family. There are nine families-”

“Like the nine main covens?” Luz interrupted. She winced the second she realized it.

Elara was amused, her smile full of mirth; all traces of her earlier anguish _gone_ , like it had never been there. “Very clever, sweetie,” she praised. “It’s how Emperor Belos first enacted his coven system when he came into power. He appointed the heads of the families as coven leaders in his new order, because not only were the families old as time itself, they were the most powerful witches and masters of specific forms of magic.”

“ _Woah_ ,” Luz gasped. 

Elara nodded. “I don’t know what was offered for them to so blindly follow the emperor, but I know it was one they couldn’t refuse. Perhaps the word of the Titan was enough to sway them?”

Luz frowned. “But if Belos only came into power fifty years ago…”

“The families are still heads of the main nine covens, yes.” Elara affirmed, rolling her eyes. “A rigged system, if you think about it.” 

Luz blinked. “But what does that have to do with Lilith?” She murmured, brow furrowing. 

“The Clawthornes are one of those families,” she informed, chuckling at the shocked expression Luz could feel sprouting on her face. “Unfortunately, in the last two centuries, the Clawthorne’s bloodline had been dwindling; their future generations nothing more than average witches compared to their ancestors. They were ostracized by the other families; _therefore_ , they were not appointed as head of a coven.”

“Then who took their place?”

“A fraction of the Blight family, I believe.” Another sip of tea. “I’m sure you can imagine the betrayal and the embarrassment the Clawthornes must have felt to be left in the dust.” Elara hummed. “They’ve held onto that resentment for fifty years; so when it was known how gifted Lilith and Eda were with their magic, they were pushed beyond reason to be _better_.”

Luz was reminded of Amity and the weight she carries to be _perfect_. She impulsively clenched her fists.

Elara continued, “Lilith and Eda are the first in over two centuries to be born with so much power running through their veins.” Her smile was still affixed to her face, as sharp as knives. “Two girls with adoring parents were suddenly nothing more than property to establish themselves as one of the elite once more.”

“What happened?” Luz whispered.

“Naturally,” sighed Elara, shaking her head. “Eda rebelled. Their parents knew she couldn’t be swayed from her path.”

The teen slouched into the couch. “Lilith wasn't, though.”

“Correct. She was malleable. All she wanted was her parents love and respect again; so she pushed herself to be perfect for them. The perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect witch. Which meant joining the Emperor’s Coven, the best of the best. It meant _Eda_ couldn’t beat her.”

“That wasn’t _fair_ to her,” Luz seethed. “Lilith _is_ powerful. Did she really have to be _better_ than Eda to earn their approval?”

“Fraid so, sweetie.”

“ _Why_?”

“She was the eldest,” Elara explained, as if that was reason enough. “It was seen as an embarrassment to be weaker than her younger sibling. No matter how much she may wish it, Lilith won’t ever be in the same league as Eda. It’s a _fact_ , and it’s one she _can’t_ face. It was her downfall in the end.” 

“The curse.” Luz stated evenly. 

“Yes,” Elara replied, as calm as the grave. “She let her insecurities get the best of her. She _lost_ sight of the love she held for her sister; _forgot_ her sister only ever wanted to follow in her path. Cursing Eda damaged a crucial part of Lilith to such an extent I don’t even think _I_ can heal it.”

“She didn’t deserve this,” Luz swore vehemently. “ _Eda_ didn’t deserve this.”

“No, they didn’t.”

The melodic voice fraught with acidity stole the breath right out of Luz’s lungs. The warmth in her eyes was suddenly a wordless _fury_. A _danger_ lurked in their depths _so_ profound Luz felt it in her very bones. Elara’s ever present smile abruptly _fell_. Even only knowing her for a short time, Luz still got the impression the look was _wrong_. _Terrifying_.

Then, as if it never left in the first place, the warmth resurfaced again in her eyes. A sympathetic smile tugged at her lips as she intently held Luz’s gaze for a while. “I now see how you won Lilith over,” she mentioned after a moment of silence. “Now, any other questions before we begin?”

“Actually,” Luz said, sitting up a bit straighter. “I do have a question. About the families?”

Elara studied her with a thoughtful expression; then waved a hand for her to continue. “Sure, sweetie,” she hummed, a curiosity brimming in her eyes. “What is it?”

Luz’s gaze fell to her lap, a frown tugging her lips down. “When Lilith was telling me about how the coven system worked, she never mentioned the nine families. Why?”

Elara hummed in thought. “Perhaps she thought you knew?” Rolling her eyes, she balanced her mug on her lap; fingers carefully wrapped around it. “Then again, the conversation could’ve led to her connection to them, and denying the existence of the families is a specialty of the Clawthorne sisters.”

Luz propped her elbows on her thighs, her head held by the palms of her hands. “I guess that makes sense,” she mumbled, a forlorn note in her voice. “Do the families only specialize in one form of magic like the coven system entails?” 

“As if,” Elara scoffed. “They’re always one-upping each other with the next generation of witches. I don’t even know what coven a Blight _isn’t_ established in.” 

“Oh,” Luz nodded. _That_ , at least, made sense to her. "And the High Council? They're members of the families?"

Elara snorted in contempt. "Unfortunately, yes."

"Doesn’t it basically mean no one outside of the families can ever hope to be head of one of the nine main covens?”

“Like I said, truly a rigged system,” Elara said with a smirk; then shrugged her shoulders. “I wouldn’t say it’s an impossibility, though it’s unheard of anyone outside of the bloodline being born gifted in magic as powerful as the families.” 

Luz pondered over her words for a minute before a thought struck her. “What about you?” She asked.

Elara tilted her head to the side, her golden eyes full to the brim with amusement. “What about me?”

Luz’s smile twitched at the corner. “Lilith said you’re the best, right? Wouldn’t that imply you’re pretty powerful? Are you a member of one of the families?”

“Well,” Elara said, drumming her fingers against her mug in thought. “Yes and no. The name Rime isn’t _associated_ with any of the nine families' bloodlines, but a _Blight’s_ blood does run through my veins from my mother’s side.” 

Luz straightens from her hunched position. “So, what you’re saying is,” Luz grinned, her teeth white against her darker skin. “A forbidden love story is afoot?”

“I wouldn’t really call it a story,” Elara chuckles. “My mother simply fell in love with someone beneath her station,” she explained. “She was casted out of the family and the Blight name was removed from her when she married my father.”

“I bet they’re regretting that now,” Luz snickered. “What, did they think you wouldn’t have potential if your mom didn’t marry who they wanted her to?”

“I can’t say for certain,” Elara mused before her expression evened out. “Not to be boastful, but my sister and I are truly the most gifted to be born in our respective fields.”

Luz’s eyes widened. “You have a sister?” She asked in shock. 

Elara huffed out an amused breath. “I do. I have four sisters, actually, but they’re not in the same bracket of power as the two of us.”

“ _Woah_. Is she a healer like you?”

Elara made a face. “ _Titan’s_ , no. _Breaking_ things has always been more her specialty. "Now, speaking of healing,” she rounded on Luz with a comforting smile. “I believe we’ve dawdled long enough. Shall we begin?”

Luz gasped and straightened at the vocalization of her nightmare come to life: _facing_ herself. There was a long pause. Luz’s terrified silence was enough of an answer. _I’m not ready_. _I can’t_. _Please don’t make me_.

But it was now or never.

Luz kept her eyes focused on the ground, tracing faint rings of age on the floorboards, before she nodded her assent. 

“When did it first start?”

Abruptly, panic flared -partly because Luz wasn’t yet ready for this discussion and mostly because she _knew_ if she started she couldn’t _pretend_ anymore -and, just like that, all the warmth in the room was swallowed up by the blackhole known as Luz’s anxiety. No matter how much she resented how _weak_ her broken mind has made her, how much she regretted wedging a distance between her and Eda, some part of her was _still_ holding on tightly to the idea that one day she’ll wake up _whole_ again; that she won’t ever have to face the truth because she’ll be _fine_ , like it was all just a bad dream. 

Her mind raced. One of her options was to _lie_ , _lie_ , _lie_ like she’s been doing with everyone important in her life since she made the choice to destroy the portal. It’s not like Elara would _know_ the truth, _right_? Luz was a _stranger_ to her. She couldn’t possibly see through her. _Except_ she aided _Lilith_ in the past. Every circuit in Luz’s head screeched to a halt at the reminder. _Elara_ aided _Lilith_. _Without_ the elder Clawthorne even _knowing_. Elara knew without verbal confirmation the guilt that ate away at Lilith when she cursed her sister, saw with her own eyes the fractured pieces of her soul, and she _stayed_. And if Luz’s hunch is right, which she’s _confident_ it is, is still _in love_ with her.

Lilith _trusted_ Elara. Trusted her enough to sacrifice the possibility of another fallout with her sister in the hopes she can heal Luz. A wave of guilt gripped her in its hold, because she knew with certainty Lilith had already broken Eda’s fragile trust in her by bringing Luz here without her knowledge. All because she made her _promise_ not to say anything. To keep this a _secret_ from her. Luz stupidly, _stupidly_ thought Eda was better off not knowing all the jumbled mess scrambling around in her head. She never wanted Eda to feel responsible for her problems, but what if all it’s done is _hurt_ her? Hurt _them_?

Deep breath. “It was the week after we saved Eda from petrification that I think I really started noticing. Usually, I bounce back when the going gets tough, but when it started getting harder to care about anything, when being happy suddenly felt like a betrayal to my mami, I was slowly realizing I wasn’t bouncing back anymore. That was okay, though. Time heals all wounds, right? Except it _wasn’t_. I was getting _worse_. It was like a weight was pressing down on me and I was breaking under the pressure.” She was a little shocked at how easily the words tumbled out of her -with how much she fought with herself, she thought the words would remain lodged in her throat. But then again, Elara effortlessly dispelled the iron cage. _Must be a healer thing_ , Luz mused. 

Inhaling again, she continued. 

//

It had been well over an hour before she realized Elara hadn’t uttered a single word. Luz wasn’t sure that she’d even moved; however, the emptied contents of her mug suggested otherwise. Elara merely _listened_ , not a speck of judgement in her eyes, as Luz stumbled over her words to find the _right_ ones. She never interrupted Luz, even when the teen knew she was running on quite a few tangents; she merely patiently waited for Luz to find her way back on track. She never pushed and allowed Luz to steer the conversation into dangerous waters all on her own. It was _easy_. Simple. _Freeing_. 

Luz wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she agreed to come here. If she were expecting anything at all, really. Of all the possibilities she thought of, this was probably the _least_ plausible of them. _Talked_. That’s _all_ she did, and yet she felt _lighter_. The weight bearing down on her was lifted and tossed overboard. She felt like _herself_. She was aware enough to know, though, it wouldn’t last. But for the moment, this single moment in time, she could _finally_ , with certainty, say she’s _fine_. 

“So,” Luz said, a bit awkwardly. “Can you fix me?”

Elara stared at her with a peculiar, unreadable expression. “To _fix_ implies something is _broken_.”

Luz blinked at her. “Aren’t I?” She asked in a small, timid voice. 

“The real question here is,” said Elara, and then more gently, “do _you_ think you’re broken?”

Baffled, Luz frowned at her. “I…”

Elara patiently waited for her to finish her thought, but Luz wasn’t sure what she should say. A part of her wondered if this was a test. On _what_ , she didn’t know; all she _did_ know was she couldn’t fail it. She _was_ broken, _right_? She didn’t function the way she was meant to, and when something doesn’t work as it should, you take it somewhere to _fix_ it, right? That’s _why_ Luz was here: to be fixed because she’s a _defective_ product. Then why was Elara looking at her like _that_?

Not with pity. But sympathy. _Understanding_. Like she’s seen this a thousand times.

“I see,” Elara offered evenly, her eyes searching Luz’s intensely. Whatever she was looking for didn’t seem to particularly agree with her, her lips pursing in contemplation. “I have a few ideas,” she started as she leant further back in her chair. “The first matter we should discuss…” she trailed off at the sound of the front door clicking open. 

Luz whirled her head in the direction of the sound, her eyes lighting up at the sight of Lilith. She sat up immediately in her seat, practically vibrating on the couch as the older woman drew near. “That was fast,” she remarked once Lilith settled down next to her; then frowned when she noticed the slightest wince as she did so. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Lilith murmured. Some of the tension fled from her frame as she sunk further into the back of the couch. “How has it gone with Elara? She hasn’t bored you with her stories, has she?” A tiny grin touched her lips. “She likes to talk. _A lot_.”

“You wound me,” Elara sighed, feigning hurt. Past the humorous vibe she effortlessly gave off, Luz noted the laser-like focus she had on Lilith’s side, as if she can see through Lilith’s clothes what is ailing the older woman. “Besides, I know you just mean ‘have I told her any embarrassing stories about you’,” a coy grin crossed her face. “Not yet, love. And I might not have _if_ you hadn’t so _generously_ commented on my communication skills.”

Luz felt her own grin tugging on her lips, despite the concern she felt for Lilith. “There’s embarrassing stories?”

“ _Plenty_.”

Lilith ignored them both, raking a hand through her hair. “Spare me, please.” She pursed her lips together into a thin line and studied Elara carefully before asking, “I need to know, will you be able to help Luz?” 

Elara held her gaze briefly before landing on Luz. “I can,” she confessed; Luz felt like a weight was suddenly lifted from her shoulders -even when Elara continued with, “It’s not going to be easy, let me instill that now, but we can manage this better with the proper steps.”

Luz nodded resolutely. “What do I need to do?”

She was finally prepared to face herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, I don't know how I feel about this, so be gentle, please? Also, this one will be continued in the next chapter. It's not one I really want to skip, because it's going to go further into what Luz has, how she'll need to learn to manage it, and about Eda's involvement in everything. Anyway, let me know what you think! Sorry it took awhile!


	6. can you feel the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and seven months before fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luz gets away with some internal swears. Dialogue. We have idiots in our midst.

Elara isn’t your typical run-of-the-mill healer. 

At merely five years of age it was widely acknowledged that Elara Rime was not only incredibly gifted in the healing arts, but also an adaptive learner and a master spell crafter -to this very day, her most powerful spell has yet to be replicated by another. In what felt like an instant, the Healing Coven wanted to pull her from school and ascend her through their ranks to begin her training under a mentor of their choosing. However, her mother firmly denied their insistence on the matter; adamant that her daughter would live a relatively normal life and choose for herself when she’s older. As per tradition intended.

Her mother’s reasonings not only baffled but infuriated many. Once a member of the Blights, one of _the_ nine prominent families, she’d ought to desire only the best for her child, no? If asked, Primrose Rime would beg to differ. _(“_ _Gifted as she may be, Elara is still but a child. And though my children may have voices of their own, this isn’t a choice she is ready to make, nor will I or anyone else make it for her. Her gift might lie in healing now, but who’s to really say she won’t master another down the road? She’ll know what she wants when she graduates.”)_

Her sister was no exception, either; if anything she was peculiarly venomous in her decline when the Illusions Coven came for Mira, who was just as exceptionally gifted as Elara. When asked, her mother said she was all too familiar with the on goings of the Blight families and their expectations placed on a young witchling’s shoulders and she swore her girls would not suffer the same tragedy. They would know what it meant to be loved and cherished for not only their talents, but their faults and misgivings as well. _(“_ _Happiness doesn’t come from being superior to everyone else. It comes from the love of your family and friends. Never forget that, my girls.”)_

Her mother may have only ever had the best intentions for her, but nonetheless, Elara always felt a little cheated, for St. Epiderm was an institute built for the gifted, and unfortunately, Elara was as smart as she was powerful. She was well beyond their criteria; it was quickly foreseen her school years would merely be a routine to follow instead of a space of learning as it was intended for. Like everything else in life, it was just another hapless circumstance to overcome; one that let her focus drift away from her professors and affix onto her fellow student body. Specifically, her curiosity with their dynamics amongst each other and the herd like mentality they naturally fell into within their groups. 

As a gregarious person herself, she made friends and settled within their plethora of varying group dynamics easily enough; all so very _different_ and so very _captivating_ _._ On the other hand, her sister -mind you, Elara _knew_ very well her sister was capable of being just as sociable- kept herself apart from the others, never venturing close enough to form the tentative ties of friendship; so Elara, more often than not, chose to stick close to her sister. Note that it was never out of pity or sympathy, -her sister would have her head if so- but because Mira _understood_ her the best and some days you need someone who _gets it_ _._ _(“_ _They’re dunce, my dear; they’ll smile, nod their heads, and go along with whatever we’re telling them. We both know they don’t understand a word of it; it’s why they’re the sheep and we’re the wolves.”)_

Mira also found school to be a waste of their time, a mediocre display of normality, but her sister _also_ thought _everyone_ was beneath her; so Elara always took her opinions with a grain of salt. _(“_ _You shouldn’t waste your time with them, my dear. One day we’re going to show them all how useless they really are to us. The families will know how much better we are when the name Rime is as well known as theirs._ _”)_ And Mira aside, none of her classmates ever really clicked for her in that special way. A best friend outside of her sister seemed out of her reach; as much as she cherished her friends, not-a-one sparked enough of a _promise._ A promise of forever. Of ties beyond simple companionship. 

For someone like Elara, who had so many thoughts running through her mind at all hours of the day, all vying for center stage and shouting over each other to be heard, perhaps it was beyond her realm of possibility, a quest she couldn’t ever hope to achieve. And the idea that it could ever happen to _her_ slowly quieted until it was barely a whisper in the back of her mind, her determination to help _others_ surfacing and consuming her entirely. It’s how her most powerful spell came to be, the All-Knowing Sight, at the tender age of seven, but it wouldn’t really work in her favor until much later in her life. 

Wash, rinse, repeat. The same old story day by day...

...until she met the Clawthorne sisters. 

Edalyn Clawthorne, Elara mused, not for the first time, was the very embodiment of the sun: her smiles too bright, her eyes too warm, her abundance of hair a waterfall of solar fire. But unlike the sun, Elara didn’t burn when she got too close to the self proclaimed Lord Calamity of Hexside; if asked, she’d more compare her to a fireplace: warm, reassuring, comforting. Everything about Eda was a fascination to observe, from her chaotic magic use, to her warm soul, to her fierce protectiveness of her elder sister. And it was quite exhilarating to witness Eda’s boisterous personality in person, as Elara was far more acquainted with the reserved demeanors of her family and friends at St. Epiderm. 

Even then, Eda was breaking the mold. 

Lilith Clawthorne, for her part, was the total opposite of her sister, but Elara wouldn’t quite call her the moon, either. Instead of the fully bloomed smiles her sister so freely tossed around, Lilith’s smiles were meeker in nature, the shy curl of her lips always rendering Elara’s heart a fluttering mess. As if she’d given all the warmth in her to encompass Eda, Lilith’s eyes were shrouded in ice, her piercing stare freezing the very blood in the veins of anyone brave enough to initiate eye contact. Elara was far more likely to burn from the cold if she got too close -not that it stopped her; for Lilith she’ll face the dangers of frostbite. And unlike Eda, she was a source of befuddlement to observe, from her carefully controlled magic use, to the fractured cracks in her soul, to her fierce jealousy of her younger sister’s natural talent. And, like everyone else, she was reserved and placid, but unlike them, heated embers laid dormant beneath her placidity, waiting to be ignited into a blazing fire. 

Over time, the fractures in her soul warranted further concern for Elara. The fractures wouldn’t heal as Elara thought they ought to -in fact, they became more pronounced, like whatever held her in such a vice-like grip was slowly cutting her deeper open by the day. It was frustrating, because Elara had no name for it, no remedy on the tip of her tongue to aid her, no knowledge of the disease eating away at her friend. For the first time in her life, the prodigy healer was thwarted. She was powerless; incapable of healing the one person that mattered. It was vexing. Maddening. Heart-rendering. 

The same fractures, the same hurt, was now manifested in the young girl before her, her soulful brown eyes glazed over by a fear of the unknown - _so_ much like the turquoise ones showing up at her door in the middle of the night all those years ago. Inexperienced in their younger years, Elara hadn’t been able to help Lilith then -a regret she’ll harbor for the rest of her life- but _now_ Elara was far more knowledgeable about what she’s dealing with. Her need to master every medicinal practice, even if it meant learning the practices of other realms, was _finally_ bearing her the fruits of her labor. She had _answers_ _._ She could _help_ _._ And so many on the Isles needed it. 

Elara silently hummed to herself and leaned her head back against the wingback chair, her wide brim hat carelessly tossed to the back of her chair sometime ago; the focus of her attention drifted away from the occupants in her home and onto the wall length glass as she processed her thoughts. It was starting to rain, fat, heavy drops splattering on the glass and chasing after one another down the smooth surface. She looked past them at the small, lively thriving garden she’s maintained for years now in her backyard, the plants resilient to the boiling rain’s effects and soaking in the nutrients the water provided them. If only people were as easy to understand as plants were, she mused. 

“I’m assuming you and Luz have already discussed what’s been happening with her?” 

She could feel their gaze like it was a palpable thing, searing across her skin like the first seconds a witchling’s branded with their coven’s glyph. Turning her head, Elara naturally gravitated to Lilith, unsurprised to find the other woman watching her with a neutral stare, like the healer can’t see past the façade. Even while expressionless, Lilith may as well have been an open-book, her eyes conveying an anguish so profound Elara felt like she was drowning in it. Lines of exhaustion and physical pain were breaking through Lilith’s masterfully crafted mask, which left a frown threatening to tug Elara’s characteristic smile down at the sight of. “We haven’t got into the nitty-gritty of it, but I do have a better idea of what you were implying to in your letter, yes.” 

“Wait, you mean there’s _more_ to talk about?”

Elara tilted her head, slightly amused by the note of surprise she detected in Luz’s question. If she thought a few hours of treading through choppy waters was enough substantial information for Elara to work with -well, to be fair, it _was_ enough, in a sense. The All-Knowing Sight tended to pick apart what words couldn’t garner, but the healer liked to be thorough before she began a treatment plan- then the poor thing was in for a rough time. “Afraid so, sweetie. Although, I must say, you’ve done wonderfully so far; this isn’t my usual method with my patients on their first visit.” 

Luz blinked, again surprised. “How do you usually do it?”

“Well,” she replied, nodding minutely as she tapped her fingers on her mug in thought. “For one, I like my patients to feel comfortable with my presence the first time I see them; more often than not, home is where they feel their safest, where they can be in control should the need arise to dismiss me if they feel my presence is more harmful than helpful. It’s important that the bond I form with them in the early stages is as smooth a transition as we can possibly make it; my services are worthless without it.” A pause, her head canting further. “I admit, I’m curious as to why you’d risk coming _here_ instead of having me come to _you_ _,_ hm?” 

Soulful brown eyes darted away. The teen didn’t dare look back at her, thumbs fiddling, an expression of guilt written on her features, but Elara wasn’t directing the question at Luz, so much as she was Lilith, whose own expression went stone cold, her eyes hardening into glaciers. Neither voiced a word, nor did they attempt to deny the underlining accusation in Elara’s inquiry. Not that she needed them to; it was clear to see from the start Eda was left in the dark about the situation. Most likely case, Elara concluded, is that she isn’t even aware her family is currently here instead of safe at home. 

_Ah_ _,_ Elara thought. _I see._

It was unsurprising, really; Lilith was a creature of habit and she kept secrets in spades. That in itself was a destructive path to lead, and as much as she desires to cease it, it’s not the main priority at the moment. For Luz, this was doing her more _harm_ than good -from what little she could interpret with their interactions, Luz was heavily relying on Lilith as her only support through this trying time. Lilith was her anchor, and as comforting as she finds it to know her friend has someone who trusts her so unconditionally, there’s a concern that far outweighs the sentiment that needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. If left alone, Luz could develop a dependency on Lilith that’ll be difficult to break down the road. It isn’t a healthy state of being for the teen; certainly not for Lilith, who is still facing her own demons. 

She’d need to address that as soon as possible, it seemed. Just another bullet point on a list of to-dos. 

But firstly, there is a priority that needed to be tended to before Luz could have her undivided attention, and that so happened to be _Lilith._ As much it pains her to admit it -she’s a selfless person by nature- when it comes to Lilith, Elara will always tend to her first. _Always_ _._ It's the only time the healer has ever warranted herself a selfish desire. If only Lilith could _see_ it for herself, but that was a thought for another day.

Closing her eyes for a moment, Elara set her mug aside. Rising from her chair, the healer rounded the coffee table to stand in front of her longtime friend, resting her fingers on the armrest’s edge to appease the ache in her to just reach out and _touch_ Lilith. She briefly let her gaze linger on the woman before glancing at the teen. “We’ll continue in a moment, sweetie,” Elara said softly, all the warmth she could summon laced in her words; pleased when Luz’s shoulders slumped as she nodded. “You,” her eyes landed back on Lilith. “I’m going to need you to be a good girl and let Asa take a look at you. Upstairs, please.”

Lilith’s head jerked up, a brief flicker of dread in her eyes that’s snuffed out in such a haste it was bound to be thought as a mere trick of the eye -that is, if Elara weren’t _always_ meticulously studying people. Her eyes hardened into steel, a fortress Elara couldn’t hope to penetrate without further assistance from the All-Knowing Sight enclosed her. Her hackles rose in defense against _her_ and Elara felt the air leave her lungs as surely as if she’d taken a kick to the stomach. “That isn’t necessary,” she said in a voice that didn’t quite sound like hers. It was harsh and commanding, like the coven leader she once was. “I’m fine.”

The healer closed her eyes again; breathed in deep enough to stir an ache in her ribs. No matter how much progress she makes with Lilith, it’s washed away like footprints in the sand the second Lilith’s mistrust rears its ugly head at her. She wasn’t joking, Elara surmised in something akin to scorn, when she said she wasn’t interested in friends the day they met all those years ago. Pity for her, Elara hasn’t gone anywhere; _isn’t_ going anywhere anytime soon and at some point Lilith needed to get with the program, because Elara’s at her breaking point with the whole lone wolf attitude -mind you, this is all coming from someone whose entire _living_ relies on _patience_ _._ Not that she’ll ever dream of abandoning Lilith; the thought hasn’t and never will cross her mind.

Lilith was just really _trying._

Eyes opening, Elara’s jaw tensed. “Maybe you misheard me,” she refuted, an edge of steel hardening her melodic tone. Her fingers twitched where they rested on the armrest. Anger was an emotion she found to be too distasteful for her; it led nowhere and solved nothing, but the Clawthorne sisters were particularly talented at wearing her patience thin. Of drawing out the desire to _harm_ another in their defense. “I wasn’t _asking_ _._ Upstairs, _please_ _._ ”

“Elara,” Lilith said dangerously lowly. The ice in her eyes voiced a promise of unending pain, but the healer would not be deterred by Lilith’s silent threat. “Asa’s assistance isn’t needed. It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with.”

“It’s cute you think you can _lie_ to a _healer,_ ” she replied in a similarly low tone, her head tilting with a promise of her own as her smile turned sharp. “Trust me, Lily dear, you’ll feel much better once Asa has seen you.”

“No,” Lilith said instantly.

“I’m still not seeing how you’re mishearing me.”

“The only one mishearing around here is _you._ Loss of hearing catching up with you in your old age, _dear_ _?_ ”

“ _I’m_ not the one with the gray streak in her hair.”

“That doesn’t have _anything_ to do with my age.”

“Whatever you say, dear.”

Clearly frustrated, Lilith changed tactics. “I’m _not_ letting that sniveling, little miscreant anywhere near me.” Her breath came in a rough, audible hiss. “I’m _fine_ _._ ”

Something flashed through Elara. She wasn’t sure if it was irritation or amusement. Perhaps a bit of both. “Are you really not over what happened?” A pause; an eyebrow cocked. “He apologized.”

Lilith sniffed. “I’d hardly call it an apology.”

“The words _I’m_ and _sorry_ were uttered. How’s that _not_ an apology?”

“I stand by what I said. I _don’t_ need its assistance.”

Elara raised an eyebrow. “The pattern of your breathing and the way you’re favoring your right side tells me otherwise.” A mischievous smile curled her lips. “Shall I perform a physical examination myself?” 

“Uh,” Luz voiced from her place next to Lilith, worry and amusement swirled in the depths of her eyes as they flicked between the two women. “Question?” Elara’s megawatt smile far outshone Lilith’s glower and seemed to give the girl the confidence to continue, “Who’s Asa?” A pause. “And are you saying you’re going to _poke_ Lilith?” 

“Asa’s my palisman,” Elara supplied. It was done so swiftly that Lilith didn’t stand a chance at spouting her own opinions about her companion, the other woman’s mouth clamping shut with an audible click. Then Elara’s smile turned cat-like. “And you’re precisely correct, sweetie. I _am_ going to poke her.”

“Touch me and you’ll regret it,” growled Lilith, eyeing her testily. 

As natural as breathing, Elara ignored her. “A good poke would do you some good.”

“You wouldn’t _dare._ ” Lilith glared daggers at her, plastering herself to the back of the couch as if it’ll create a far enough distance from the healer. Luz’s giggle only seemed to sharpen her glare, although she kept it trained on Elara and off Luz. 

“ _Try_ me, love.” A coy smile curled her lips upwards as her fingers left the armrest and stretched out toward Lilith, wiggling in anticipation. “If you’re so insistent _I_ look...”

Lilith held her gaze for a heartbeat, uncertainty written in every line of her body, before it dropped to the digits ever veering closer to her person. “I really don’t need…”

“Let her help,” was the soft response from Luz. “ _Please,_ Lilith?”

A war was waged behind Lilith’s eyes as she met the concerned pair of the girl. It was snuffed after a silent conversation passed between the two. Then Lilith relented, shoulders slumping as she jerked to her feet, the tip of her nose briefly brushing Elara’s own, and the healer reeled from the sudden contact, knocking her back several paces until she managed to regain her footing. Her eyes widened at the easy surrender; she was half expecting Lilith to put up more of a fight.

Lilith briefly managed to level a smirk her way before it evened out. She let her eyes land on the teen still seated on the couch, quietly watching the two friends. “Remember what I said about needing me,” at Luz’s nod, she turned back to Elara. “I’ll go. But if it does that tongue thing again…” instead of finishing, she merely shuddered. 

Elara recovered her wits quick enough. "I'm sure he'll be pleasantly behaved for you,” she quipped, her smile playful. 

An eye roll was thrown over Lilith’s shoulder. “You’ll be in need of a new palisman if it isn’t,” she growled before she begrudgingly left the two other people in the room to face her fate. 

//

Luz waited until Lilith’s footsteps faded before she risked glancing at the other woman in the room with her. Elara’s eyes were still focused in the direction Lilith disappeared, her smile wistful, and so she didn’t yet notice the teen keenly studying her. She waited a breath before daring to say, “You really care about her, don’t you?” She wanted to say _love,_ but the word felt like treading into dangerous territory; so she refrained for the time being. 

Gold eyes met mahogany. Elara blinked repeatedly. Surprise replaced the smile, then her lips curved again. Her head dropped and her shoulders started to shake and then she was laughing. That same bell like sound spilling past her lips. 

It was Luz’s turn to blink. Again. She was doing quite a bit of it today. She experienced the same surprise that’d been on Elara’s face, and then it gave way to momentary confusion. Then it was replaced by a brief bout of anger before she tempered it down with a rough swallow. She tucked her hands under her thighs as she struggled to regain her equilibrium. 

Luz can’t say for certain when it started, but it’s occurred to her that she’s particularly defensive in the matters regarding Lilith; protective of the older woman in a way that she once lashed out at _Amity_ _,_ her _friend,_ when the witchling kept spewing words of hate about the ex-coven leader. She reasoned it’s because she promised Lilith she’d be her friend -well, friends have each other’s back, and if it has to be Luz, so be it, she’ll fight tooth and nail for Lilith. But she _knows_ Elara is in the same corner as her; it’s just a little difficult to remind herself of it. 

Again, as if she were psychic, Elara interpreted her thoughts, her laugh fading away as a simple hum replaced it. Her smile softened, as if it were possible for someone whose smile rarely left her face. “I do,” she answered just as softly. “I care quite a bit, which is why I’m going to do everything in my power to help you get through this.”

“Thank you,” came Luz’s tentative voice. “I know it’s not something you _have_ to do.” She swallowed back the sudden rock in her throat after a small nod. “So, how _can_ you help me?” _Fix_ almost slipped off her tongue; only the recollection of Elara’s earlier question stalled the word before it was uttered. 

Elara took a moment to reply, choosing her words carefully, as always it seemed. “I suppose you’re right. I don’t have to help you,” she said, heading back to reoccupy her vacant chair. “No one ever _has_ to do anything, but I made a vow that I’ll spend my entire life helping others, whether their pain is physical or mental, whether they’re rich or poor. I’ll never be so callous as to turn someone away when they seek out my assistance.” She leveled Luz with an intense stare, as if she could see straight past Luz and into the depths of her soul as she continued. “Understand that I _want_ to help you, Luz. And it remains to be seen as to how we’ll go about it.” 

Luz considered her words for a moment. “How so?” She pondered, following the other woman with her eyes as she resettled in her chair. It was almost comical how tiny it made her already petite frame appear. “Will I be different from your other patients?”

“In a way,” Elara acknowledged, briefly glancing at her emptied mug with a frown before she shrugged it off. “Like I said earlier, I like to form a bond with my patients. The more I know about you, the better I can help you develop more control; the better I can work with you to healthily process your thoughts and feelings.”

_Control._ Luz’s eyes closed momentarily, her shoulders slumping. _There’s no cure. Of course, it’s never that easy._

“In case a warning is necessary,” Elara continued with more warmth in her tone, making Luz’s shoulders droop for an entirely different reason. “I must remind you I’m not a trained professional in this field of medicine, at least, not in the same sense a human has been taught to be, that is.” She shrugged her shoulders, her smile still so beatific on her face. “However, what I am is vastly knowledgeable from years of research; pair it with my natural talent in _my_ field of healing, along with what I like to call my cheat, I’m confident in my ability to help you manage this.” 

Luz canted her head. “Your cheat?”

“Yes,” Elara confirmed. “All experienced witches can only be referred to as a master of their field of magic if they’ve created a spell uniquely their own.”

“Woah,” Luz’s eyes widened. “Can someone copy it?” A pause, her brow furrowing. “Or, uh, learn it?”

“All spells are meant to be passed down, so yes, it can be,” the healer said as she tapped her chin thoughtfully, her eyes briefly flicking skyward. “Although, none have succeeded in learning my spell quite yet. It’s passive and in no need of a spell circle to be conjured, which really seems to boggle many.”

Luz nodded wordlessly, her mind rewinding back to the night Lilith used a spell when she split the curse between her and Eda. A spell circle hadn’t been casted then either. Was that Lilith’s spell? There’s a pause; then another tiny nod from Luz. “What’s your spell?”

“I like to call it the All-Knowing Sight. How it works is I can see into the very depths of your soul. I can see the cracks in your shell, the emotional scars left, and the still healing fractures,” she explained with a shrug. “Basically, what you can’t tell me in words, your soul reads loud and clear.” 

“So, does anyone even really need to hash out their problems if you can already _see_ them?” 

“Well no, I suppose not.”

“ _No?_ ”

Elara shrugged helplessly, a sheepish smile gracing her lips. “I can see what ails you easily, yes; enough so words aren’t needed to treat you,” she said, a momentary pause following as she gathered her thoughts, considering the best way to approach her next words. “But just because I already know doesn’t mean I also know what you’re _thinking._ ” She expelled a shuddering breath. “A lot of our internal struggles come from how we mentally process our emotions. Unfortunately, the All-Knowing Sight doesn’t reveal that to me.”

Luz leaned forward in her seat, her hands slipping out from her under her thighs to grip her knees. “And in order to help me best, you need to know what I’m thinking?” She concluded on her own.

“Precisely,” Elara retorted with a smirk, eyes ablaze with mischief as she looked at her. Her smirk cut off with the shake of her head, replaced by the smile Luz was quickly growing accustomed to. “As I was saying before,” she reproached the subject at hand. “The All-Knowing Sight allows me to see the damage done to your soul. You weren’t wrong when you mentioned wounds heal with time. They certainly do, even emotional ones. And most of them _will_ heal on their own, minor scrapes that won’t even leave a scar, but not _all_ wounds have that luxury, I’m afraid.” 

“Is that why am I not getting better?” Luz swallowed hard, her heart knocking on her ribs so rapidly she could barely breathe. She stared at Elara, her eyes wide, confusion and fear making her look even younger than she was. “It’s been _months_ since I destroyed the portal,” she refuted. “Shouldn’t I already be over this?”

“Think of it like this,” the healer spoke soothingly, keeping her voice low and even. “The more traumatic the impact of emotional pain is, the deeper the laceration will be. Losing your way home wasn’t a mere scratch that’ll heal over in a few days,” she paused, waiting for either silent consent or voiced disapproval before continuing, “this is a deep gouge in your soul. It _can’t_ close on its own.”

Luz shook her head, her eyes averted, looking anywhere but at the healer as she processed her thoughts. “Are you saying my soul needs _stitches_?”

“Metaphorically speaking, yes.”

“But it’ll eventually close, won’t it? The body wouldn’t let a wound stay exposed forever. It _has_ to heal eventually.”

“Sadly, that’s where you’re wrong.” Elara’s tone remained light enough, but a quick glance at the healer revealed her sharpened eyes when she spoke next, as if she couldn’t stress the significance behind her meaning with words alone. “It’s not that the body wants to let the wound fester, it’s that it _can’t_ heal it, for one reason or another.” That sharpened gaze met and held Luz’s wounded one. “If you continue to ignore it, hoping it’ll heal on its own, you’re running the risk of permanent damage. By then, a scar would be the least of your worries.”

A chill slithered down Luz’s spine. “Have I done that?” She choked, looking down at her hands as they balled into fists in her lap. “Am I too late?”

“It’s _never_ too late, sweetie.” Elara softened her voice again, her spell most likely showcasing that she’d shocked her way past the initial layers of Luz’s resistance. “Don’t _ever_ think it is. It may take longer, ugly scars may be left, but there is no wound that can’t be healed with the right care, okay? And I must admit, the fractures in your soul are fairly deep. Luckily for you, I’m confident your soul will be shining as bright as a star in no time. Repairing the damage doesn’t concern me so much as what’s _causing_ it.” Elara waited for Luz to meet her gaze again. “I have a few theories in mind, although I’d like to keep them to myself for the time being. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to delve a little deeper into a few issues that I’m the most curious about.”

Luz shrank further back into the couch, keeping her eyes lowered on her hands. “Like what?”

“How about we start with something simple, hm?” Elara ventured carefully. “In her letter, Lilith mentioned to me about your sleeping issues; that they’ve been steadily getting worse. Can you tell me about that?”

Luz stilled a moment, swallowing. “Do I have to talk about it?” If _this_ is what Elara thought _simple_ meant, Luz was terrified for what’s to come.

“I won’t force it out of you, if that’s what you mean.” Luz could feel her eyes boring into her, but she couldn’t bring herself to meet her gaze. “I will warn you of this now: anything you don’t wish to discuss will be pinned for later, which means I will continuously circle back to it each session it’s shelved until you believe yourself ready.”

“So I _do_ have to talk about it.” She almost spat the words. The healer’s piercing stare was burning a hole in the middle of her forehead. She clenched her jaw, a tick of irritation simmering under her skin. It seemed skimming the surface of her problems was easier done than diving in headfirst. She was an _idiot_ to think she could ever be ready for this. 

“Yes, eventually you will need to talk about it, but not now if you don’t wish to.” Elara was unfazed by the escalating intensity oozing off Luz in waves, or at the very least, that’s how she came off to Luz. “Now, _will_ you tell me about your sleep issues?

“There’s nothing to tell.” Luz said flatly, bordering on defiant. “My sleep is _fine_.” She shifted in her seat, an almost defensive straightness in her back. “Why is it so important we talk about it?”

“Humans describe it as recharging,” Elara informed, keeping her tone soft in the face of the teen’s defensive mannerism. “I quite like the phrase, actually. When you sleep, your body has a chance to repair, regenerate, and recover. And that includes your _mind_.”

Luz’s expression twisted, unknowing. “I’m still not following. How does my sleep have anything to do with what’s causing the fractures in my soul?”

“It has everything to do with it, or at least a fraction of it,” Elara countered gently. “A lack of sleep can cause a number of medical conditions.” She sighed, shifting to cross one leg over the other. “Answer me this: have you noticed a shift in your mood, as in you find yourself angry one minute and confused the next? Have you found yourself struggling in school recently, unable to retain what you've learned? Has your attention lapsed from a simple task more often than normal?”

“No,” Luz replied, lying through her teeth. “I haven’t. To any of it.” _Lie, lie, lie_. _What a liar._

“Very well then.”

Luz whipped her head up. “What?” Her expression cinched, having not expected the healer to just let it go so easily. Don’t psychiatrists push you to talk about your problems? 

Elara’s smile was patient; oh so crafted to be charming. “I don’t need the All-Knowing Sight to see this isn’t something you’re ready to discuss with me. We can come back to it another time.”

Unnerved by this statement, Luz felt the scowl on her face deepen. “You’d let me off just like that?”

The healer nodded slowly. “Yes.”

“No tricks? No ‘ _ah-ha, got you’_ somewhere down the line?” Luz narrowed her eyes slightly. “I just say no and you’ll let it go. Just like that?”

“Just like that.” Elara parroted. She remains unchanged, her smile still patient and her eyes calm. “You’re not here so that we can waste our time on me pushing you on something you can’t be moved by,” she explained with an air of aloofness. “Shall we move on to something else then?”

“I..” Luz faltered. The healer was giving her an out, a giant neon sign on full blast. A part of the teen screamed for her to run to it, the part of her that is so scared about her issues she’d rather live in denial for the rest of her life than ever face them. While the other side of her, the part of her that’s headstrong and unshakable, cautioned her to think this through before she walks out the door. 

After a moment her scowl eased, a look of trepidation replacing the defiance. She wrung her hands together, knuckles almost white. “It’s not that I don’t want to sleep,” she admitted, albeit reluctantly. “I just _can’t_.” Her jaw clenched. “I try so _hard_ to fall asleep, but my thoughts won’t _shut up_.” Luz put her elbows on her thighs and her head in her hands, fingers angled sharply into her scalp. “They won’t let me rest for a single moment. I’m so _tired_ all the time.”

Elara nodded, her smile sympathetic, although Luz couldn’t see any of it. “Any specific thoughts keep you from sleep? Anything recurring?” 

“ _Everything_ ,” she straightened as her hands slid to drape the back of her neck. She looked at Elara, seeming a mixture of angry, frightened, and lost. “Mostly, there’s nothing at all. Just _static_.” She lowered her eyes. “I can handle it most nights -I’ll just lie in bed and wait for the chance to get at least _some_ pretense of rest.”

“But not always?”

“Not always,” Luz exhaled, the motion rippling down her frame. “Lilith doesn’t sleep, either. I don’t even think she _ever_ sleeps. She keeps me company on the nights I can’t be left alone in my head.”

“She’s really living up to the whole ‘night owl’ aspect of the curse, isn’t she?” The joke was meant to be lighthearted, but Luz caught the underlying concern in her tone; felt it settle in her bones. Luz noted that she seemed to pin the thought for later study. “Has she given you anything to help you sleep?”

Luz nodded slowly. “She called it a calming elixir.”

Elara elevated an eyebrow. “Pretty potent stuff,” she hummed thoughtfully. “Does it help you any?”

“Sometimes,” Luz tilted her head, briefly squeezing the back of her neck to ease some of the tension building in her spine. Although they quieted her thoughts and allowed sleep to come, Lilith’s comforting scent didn’t follow her into her dreams, where she had to face her mami alone, her eyes pleading for Luz to tell her why she abandoned her. And that’s not even the _worst_ of it; so Luz only resorts to the calming elixirs when her anxiety starts prickling under her skin. When the need for sleep greatly outweighs the fears of her dreams. 

“But not always,” Elara parroted her earlier words. At Luz’s hesitant nod, she continued, “I have a few elixirs we can try to regulate your sleep cycle, a _dreamless_ sleep,” the emphasis on the word wasn’t lost on Luz. It seemed, without words, Elara caught onto another underlying problem of Luz’s lack of sleep. “They’re experimental and the dosage will be fairly low for even witch standards, but they shouldn’t be too harmful to you, albeit with a few side effects I’m sure we can overcome with adjustments down the line. If you’re willing to try, of course.”

“I’m willing to try just about anything.” Not that she would admit it, but Luz was shyly pleased by the possibility of a _normal_ night’s rest. She was also highly skeptical, as a part of her couldn’t fathom ever finding sleep to come easily again to her. Of a dreamless sleep. 

“Wonderful,” Elara nodded, a pleased and easy smile on her face. She steepled her hands together and rested them on her raised knee, her expression sobering only the slightest in the face of her next words. “How are you feeling? Still feel comfortable enough to continue on?”

Luz made a noncommittal noise, hoping it wouldn’t betray her anxiety. “I think so.” 

Elara waited a breath, a hint of concern in her eyes as she observed her carefully. “Your panic attacks,” she started. “I’d like to focus on them if you’re up for it.” 

_No, no, no_. Luz shrank backwards slightly, away from the healer’s kind concern. “ _Why_ exactly do we need to focus on them?” _I can’t, I can’t, I can’t._

“I must say, I like that you’re asking questions,” Elara said affectionately before her tone evened out. “Say we go about as if they aren’t there, and I treat you for the underlying causes of your anxiety,” she canted her head, studied Luz for long moments. “What do you think will come of it?” 

“Something not good, I guess.” Luz answered vaguely. 

Elara hummed in agreement. “Something not good, indeed,” she confirmed. “Besides the irregular sleep, the panic attacks are one of the main instigators carving those fractures in your soul, and pretending they aren’t there won’t do you any favors, sweetie. Healing you will be pointless if we don’t face them head on.”

Luz’s brow furrowed. “Can those be cured?” 

“I’m sorry to say there’s no definite cure, but they can be managed with the proper care.” She trailed off, an uncertainty flitting across her features. “You just have to put your trust in me.”

Luz gripped the back of her neck in a tighter hold, released it, and slid them down to rest in her lap. She wrung them nervously, her thoughts rounding back to their earlier conversation on pinning a topic for later. As scared as she was of coming face to face with her _other_ issues, it was the thought of acknowledging her panic attacks that had her stomach in knots. The exit was calling out to her, and her hand was on the door, fingers itching to turn the knob. One word and she’d be set free for another day. 

_Lilith didn’t take a risk on you for you to just give up now._

The stark truth in the thought startled her. She sighed heavily, resigning herself to the fact she was going to have to dive headfirst into the cold depths of her fears. “Okay,” said Luz, running a shaky hand through her hair. “Okay. How do you want to go about it?”

“We can stop at any point you feel it’s too much,” Elara attempted to reassure her before delving in. “I’d like to know how often you’re having your attacks and what is triggering them, if it’s anything at all.”

“Oh.” That didn’t make it anymore reassuring, Luz thought. If anything, it spiked her anxiety levels through the roof. 

“Your first attack,” the healer continued, aware of Luz’s inner turmoil but pushing onward anyway. “What triggered it?”

Luz was back to not looking at Elara. Thunder rumbled in the distance; Luz closed her eyes, listening to the sound of it plinking on the roof. The sound stirred memories, memories where Lilith was always _so_ fatigued after casting the force field over the Owl House, her magic depleted and her strength zapped. The sound of rain was always meant to be peaceful; at one time it _was_ for Luz, and as desperately as the teen craved for peace to come, the sound alone now was almost painful. Stirring the memories that plagued her late into the night. Of the images that followed her into her dreams.

She let the memory fade, replacing it with another she’d rather not face.

She hated revisiting the first time the panic overpowered her, but the memory had a knack for creeping into her thoughts even on a _good_ day; if she could wipe it clean from her mind, she’d willingly scrub her brain raw to rid herself of it. To forget the amount of agony her body was in as it spasmed out of her control, of the chaotic thoughts screaming behind her ears, to the over cloyingly fear consuming her entirely. Only the reminder it’d also erase _Lilith_ , too, stopped her from ever actively seeking out a mind-erasing potion. The older woman has been her beacon of light, a lone lighthouse guiding Luz’s damaged ship through a storm of her own making. Luz didn’t want to lose a single second of her time with her, even if most of her memories with her are intertwined by terrible frights. 

“My phone,” Luz admitted quietly after a protracted silence. At the little hum Elara murmured, Luz clarified, “it was my only connection to my mami; in the beginning, hearing her voice always grounded me. I guess you could say it was my safety net.” Luz paused there, then dug around to pull her phone out of her back pocket, the little raven trinket Lilith handed her falling out as well. She rested them in her lap, her phone’s dark screen staring back at her. “When I couldn’t hear her anymore…”

“Your anxiety capsized you and you drowned in your panic?” 

“I lost it,” Luz agreed with a subtle nod of her head. “My stability was snatched right out from under me.” 

Elara hummed, eyeing the teen’s phone carefully. “I presume it doesn’t trigger you now?”

“No,” the teen confirmed. She toyed with her phone, wondering why she even bothered to carry it around with her anymore. It was _useless_. Like herself. “It hasn’t affected me since that night.” It was the most honest she could hope to be. She lifted her head. “I feel like it should, you know? It’s all I have of her, but I just feel _numb_.” Numb for a number of reasons, but she locks them in a box so far in the back of her mind she hopes to never reach them. 

Elara’s eyes were compassionate but sad. “I believe you may be compartmentalizing the loss,” she supplied, her melodic voice warm and soft, despite the worry underlying her words. “It’s a natural defense mechanism of the mind when there’s too much -hm, let’s say- static around a certain event or emotion.” She canted her head, a curious light in her eyes. “Did you shut down that night?”

_Did I_? Must have, as a chunk of the night was just _gone_ ; the feel of Lilith’s fingers against her skin the last clear memory she had before she came back to her body aching all over. “I...I think so?” Luz answered in uncertainty, her eyes flitting between the warm gold ones for an answer she wasn’t sure Elara could supply her with. “I don’t remember anything after Lilith told me to let it out. I think I screamed? My throat was aching, I remember that.” 

“It sounds as though you did, but I can’t, in confidence, confirm it.”

“Right,” Luz grouched, eyes looking away from Elara again. “I’d have to talk about it.”

“Clever girl.” Elara grinned. “We’ll come back to it in time, I promise. Tell me, what triggers them now?”

“Mentions of home, I think.” Luz’s hands shook with the tight grip she had on her phone. Just the _thought_ of it made her want to retch, her stomach churning uncomfortably. Her voice was raw and hollow. “The possibility I could be faced with the same decision terrifies me. I don’t want to be forced to make that choice again.” Her eyes closed briefly, reopening to blink back the tears. “I _love_ it here. I love Eda, King, and Lilith. I love my friends,” she faltered, a shaky breath rattling her lungs. “ _Amity_. I don’t want to lose them...but then I remember how _selfish_ that is of me, because I left my mami all alone; she must be so worried about me right now.” She made a strangled noise in the back of her throat before she released a harsh, choking gasp that turned into a sob. “ _Why_ didn’t I just choose _her_? She’s my _mom_!” She cried. 

Vision obscured by her tears, Luz didn’t see, nor did she even _hear_ , Elara move until the healer was suddenly in her personal space, bent on her knees to wrap Luz up in her arms, drawing the teen into the other woman’s warmth as Luz’s body trembled violently under the strain of too much emotion. “She’s my mom,” she repeated, her words muffled into the shoulder she’s buried her nose into. Her hands abandoned her phone for a white-knuckled grip on the little white raven instead, Lilith’s name seconds away from being uttered.

The words were stuck. _Luz_ was stuck. Elara was holding onto her as if she were the only thing saving the teen from oblivion. Not that Luz cared to move anytime soon, the hold comforting and _safe_. She spoke quietly into Luz’s ear. “I know. Ssh, shh,” she whispered, her voice steady and low for the teen’s sake. “It’s alright. I’ve got you.” All Luz could do was close her eyes and listen to the murmur of nonsense words, Elara saying nothing that mattered as she pulled Luz more securely against her, a set of fingers combing gently through her hair. 

“She’s my mom. I abandoned her. It’s not…” 

The rest got lost on a sob. Releasing her hold on the raven, Luz clung to Elara with _so_ much ferocity, the scent of herbs and roses filling her lungs, that Luz couldn’t hold it back anymore. She felt like she was breaking all over again. And Elara was there, her hushed words assuring she’d catch her when she fell. To _trust_ her. 

It was her _cheat_ , Luz knew it; the knowledge of the teen’s internal struggle gave the healer an edge over her, but the evident concern in her voice and the encompassing warmth of her hold belied the thought that this wasn’t genuine care for her. Luz grasped onto it as she poured out her grief, a sense of _relief_ in the knowledge that someone can _see_ the _real_ her easing the weight she carried with her. 

Later, she’ll realize Elara never said she’d be fine, that everything would be fine. She couldn’t, in good conscience, promise the teen would be fine, that it’s okay, but she could repeatedly tell her she’s _there_. Over and over. _(_ " _I’ve got you. I’m here.”_ _)_ She kept saying it, again and again. Elara muttered the words she wanted to hear. That she _needed_ to hear. And for the moment, it didn’t matter if she believed them.

//

After an uncertain amount of time, the sobs subsided into helpless hiccups and the grief retreated for another day. Luz rested there for a few moments, her eyes closed, as she breathed in the scents of the other woman, familiarizing herself with their unique blend. Even as she calmed down, Elara’s fingers never ceased their gentle combing through her hair. She was practically purring at the touch. 

“I know,” Elara repeated, her voice a soft hum in her ear. “We don’t always get to choose who we love. And when we’re faced with a situation, where it’s life or death, we don’t always make the choice we believe we might’ve if we were more clear-headed. It’s what makes us uniquely our own person.” She carefully withdrew from the teen, the palms of her hands cradling Luz’s cheeks, thumbs brushing away her tears. “It doesn’t make your decision any more wrong now than when you made it then, does it?”

Luz gently shook her head, wishing the contact to last a little longer. “I _don’t_ regret choosing Eda. She _needed_ me.” She grasped firmly onto one of Elara’s wrists, keeping her palm pressed against her skin as the other withdrew to help the other woman ease up from her kneeled position on the floor. 

“That’s encouraging to hear,” Elara perched herself at the very edge of the coffee table in front of Luz, their knees knocking together. She brushed another stray tear away, tracing her palm down Luz’s cheek and neck before stopping to interlace her fingers with the teen’s, resting their interlocked hands on her knees. Without words, she picked up on the fact Luz still needed the physical contact. “I want you to hold onto that thought. Anytime you feel like second guessing yourself, I want you to remind yourself _why_ you chose Eda, _why_ you couldn’t step through that portal and return home. Because your choice _wasn’t_ the wrong one.” She tried to convey her feelings in the look they shared. “Just as it wouldn’t have been if you chose to go _home_ instead. Understand?” 

Luz closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Briefly, she thought about lying or simply not responding, but Elara’s spell has already reviewed over her soul, analyzed her faults and misgivings, catalogued her fears. She knew _everything_ there was to know about Luz’s anxieties and what they stemmed from. “Is it, though?” She asked, her eyes opening to stare at their conjoined hands. She owed it to _herself_ to know the answer. She harbored no regrets, knew that with certainty; just a _what-if_ she could never bring herself to face on her own. 

A finger under her chin forced renewed eye contact. “You were faced with two harrowing choices,” Elara calmly stated, not a speck of judgement in her molten gold irises. “Either returning home with no assurance Eda and the others would get out alive, or staying to help with no assurance you could ever return home to your mother,” the woman smiled as she said it, negating any sting the words may have otherwise had. “Both carried their own consequences. _You_ made a choice. Do _you_ think it was the wrong one?”

Luz gave herself a moment to think it over. She found the answer to be a simple one.

_No_. Her mami was _safe_ on the other side of the portal; Luz assured it when she destroyed the portal on _this_ side. And there’s always the possibility of returning home if she stayed on the Isles -what she wasn’t guaranteed was a way back to the Isles from the human realm. She could rest easier knowing _her_ choice kept her mami from the dangers of Belos and his plans. She had to believe she made the right choice, if not for herself than for her mami, even if it felt like a hole was expanding in her chest the longer they’re separated. 

Luz closed her eyes, gave herself a few seconds, then reopened them. “My choice wasn’t the wrong one,” she declared resolutely. For once, she’ll try to believe it. 

"That's my girl,” Elara praised, drawing a small smile from the teen. “Acceptance is the biggest factor in recovery. Letting ourselves remain in the past, second guessing our every decision over and over, will only lead to dead ends. How can we ever move forward if we spend our lives backtracking?” She pressed on, squeezing Luz’s hand gently. “We can't right our wrongdoings while simmering in our regrets. Remember that."

Luz nodded, shelving the thought for later as she thought of another. "I think Lilith could stand to hear that,” she murmured, her eyes on the fingers laced with hers. She shifted their hold around, comparing the difference in skin tone. “Her and Eda are doing so much better, but I can see the curse still haunts Lilith. She can’t forgive herself." 

"Lilith doesn't like to listen to reason,” was Elara’s hummed response. “I believe it's one of the reasons she's kept her distance from me.” She chuckled without any real humor in it. It jarred Luz, the sound of it _off_ to her ears. “She thinks she can hide from me, even with the knowledge of my capabilities." 

"Why not just tell her you're the reason she's managing better?” Luz asked, forehead creasing in confusion. “She thinks she did it all alone, and that isn't fair to _either_ of you."

Elara took that in for long, silent moments. "Lilith is a slippery slope, so to speak,” she began, a frown affixing itself on her face. “How I'm treating her isn't my ideal method, and it's by no means how I want to do it,” that lack of emotion was in her laugh again. “I'd give _anything_ for Lilith to just open her eyes and see I can be trusted with her problems, but when Lilith is single-mindedly focused on a task, _nothing_ else matters to her. What she’s going through doesn’t matter in the face of her sister’s curse; she only ever inquired about it because it was halting her progress in finding a cure.” Elara withdrew her hand from Luz’s, the teen fighting back the urge to reach out and reclaim the contact. She felt raw and exposed without the comfort. “I can't force her to see reason without the risk of losing her again."

"Why not just give up then?” It was said without thought. “Anyone else would have."

"Would you?"

Luz’s breath hitched. "What?"

"Would you give up if it were one of your friends?” For a second, Elara turned to steel. “Could you break ties with them so easily? Discard them as if they were a broken toy."

"No!” The idea turned Luz’s stomach. “ _Never_. They're _my_ friends." Her teeth clenched of their own accord, resulting in a harsh jolt of pain in her lower jaw at the motion.

"And Lilith is _mine_ ,” Elara replied evenly. “Vexing as she may be, I will not bend to the pressures. She can fight me and break me, but I will still be standing here, waiting for her. If I let her go, could I even still call myself a healer?" 

"Doesn't it _hurt_ , though?” Luz refuted. There was an unending ringing in her ears, a warning on full blast resounding in her skull. “To try so hard and be met with _nothing_ in return." 

"Someone once said ‘the only way to not feel pain is to not feel love, and that’s not a life worth living,’” Elara explained, her stare analytical. “So yes, every day it hurts, but she’s well worth it."

"But _why_?” Luz countered. Those same warnings were louder now, clawing at the back of her mind, demanding she silence herself before Elara figures them out. “Half your life has already passed and _what_ do you have to show for it, but a fancy title as the best healer on the Isles?” The teen couldn’t stop herself even if she wanted to; couldn’t understand _why_ she needed to hurt the other woman so badly in the first place. “You're _alone_. Lilith isn't _with_ you; it doesn't look like she _ever_ will be. You said we have to move forward, but you're still stuck in the past. _Why_?"

Elara pursed her lips together as if contemplating her words, though she never took her gaze off of Luz. The teen was acutely conscious of how bright the healer’s eyes had become. She slightly tilted her head, letting a dreadful amount of silence pass between them. Luz wanted to say something else; thought she might’ve, too. Instead, they continued to face off against one another, one pair of eyes riddled with guilt, while the other settled a heavy pang of anguish in Luz’s gut at the sight of. They were frighteningly empty, painfully disparate from the habitual humor and cheer Luz had taken for granted. The hollowness there, the bowed head and defensive posture, it scared Luz, hurt her, made her wish she could hurt herself more. 

Then Elara blinked. A nod, preceded by a longer pause, as if a piece of a puzzle has fallen into its rightful place. “Do you do this often?” She implored in her smooth, honeyed voice. The words came easily enough, but Elara’s face had gone too blank, too careful. “Lash out when you can’t process your emotions?”

It was her cheat again; Luz practically an open-book to her. The knowledge of it was as unnerving as it was comforting -to know she can’t _hide_ behind her tower of lies anymore. _(“_ _Oh, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. A good night’s sleep and I’ll be right as rain, you’ll see!_ _”)_ However, the urge to _lie_ was still sounding the alarm in her skull; might’ve not even been there if Luz hadn’t fucked up and chased away the gentle warmth in the other woman, leaving her with a soulless render of the Elara she was quickly feeling the loss of as if it were a physical thing. 

Luz opened her mouth to argue before deciding it was a waste of time. Her mouth clamped shut, her only response a simple shrug of the shoulders. She took a deep breath, steeling herself because no part of her actually wanted an answer to the question. Not from herself and certainly not from the healer.

Elara waited; stared for longer moments. She caught Luz’s left hand, squeezing lightly until mahogany eyes were on hers again. “Tell me about your mom,” she shifted gears, taking the teen by surprise. “What’s she like?” Her eyes were bright again, an unnatural glow about them; Luz thought if she looked closely enough she’d be able to make out the glyph inscribed on the gold irises. She didn’t dare to. 

The teen blinked several times, surprise showing on her face. “Uh,” Luz swallowed once, hard, toughening her voice as well so the quiver wouldn’t be audible. “She’s a nurse, so she works a lot. It’s just the two of us, you know?” She was talking more to herself than Elara, but the woman hummed in reply nonetheless. “My dad died when I was little; I don’t remember him all that well, but mami tells me I’m just like him.” She sounded resigned to her own ears. “Every saturday we make _ensaimadas_ and _magdalenas_ ; no one can make them like she does. She always makes me laugh at her terrible jokes. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose, because no one can possibly be _that_ bad at it.” She kept talking even though she felt like she shouldn’t, feeling irrationally angry for reasons she can’t bring herself to zero in on. “She loves me, even when she doesn’t understand me.”

The healer faltered, her eyes casted off to the side. It took her a moment to answer, to even meet Luz’s gaze again. “You said it’s just the two of you,” squeezing the teen’s hand in reassurance, Elara’s smile was understanding. “Do you have anyone else back home? Friends?”

Luz shook her head. “I was alone back home,” Luz’s unoccupied hand went to her leg, alternating between tapping her fingers against her kneecap and clenching them until they were white. “I was the weird kid no one wanted to bother with.”

“But _here_ you do.”

“Yeah,” Luz nodded in confirmation. “I have my friends, Gus and Willow. They’ve been by my side since the beginning,” Luz smiled a bit in spite of herself. “And Amity. I don’t know what I’d do without any of them.”

"Tell me about this Amity,” Elara said delicately. “Are they something more than a friend to you?" 

"What, _Amity_?” Luz jerked her head up, her brow furrowing. “She's my friend. Why?"

"In a manner of speaking,” Elara clarified, “she’s outside of the box when you talk about your friends. I presumed there was something _more_ between you."

" _What?_ _No._ ” Luz shook her head in denial and something that looked like exasperation flickered in the golden depths of the healer’s eyes. “Amity's _just_ my best friend. She's actually my rival, well, not so much anymore now that we're friends, but she's the kind of witch I inspire to be. She’s loyal and dependable, fiercely compassionate, and strong in her own way.” She fiddled with the raven trinket as she admitted, “we, uh, we didn't exactly have the best start."

"Oh?” Elara canted her head, an eyebrow arching. “Can't be anywhere worse than when I met Lilith."

"Did you pretend to be one of her classmate's abominations in order to get back at her for calling said classmate half-a-witch?” Luz said sheepishly, shoulders scrunching up in shame. “And then unintentionally embarrass her at a witch's convention in front of everyone? And then maybe, _accidentally_ , find the diary her siblings wanted to use to teach her a lesson before traumatizing her by turning her childhood book into a rampaging monster?" 

Elara blinked. It was clear she hadn’t expected that. "I stand corrected. There _are_ worse ways.” A few seconds later, she said softly, “after all that, how did you two manage to create an everlasting bond?"

"Circumstance, maybe?” Luz responded, holding the healer’s gaze. “After the library incident, I realized Amity was just trying to prove she was strong; joining the Emperor's Coven is her dream and here I was mucking that up by being a klutz.” Her eyes lowered, an unconscious, fond smile curling her lips. “She realized I wasn’t actually out to hurt her or the reputation of her fellow witches, and I gained a new friend.” 

“And would you say you trust her?”

“With my life.”

There it was. The opening. The opportunity to discuss someone outside of Lilith’s involvement in her illness, and Luz didn’t even see it coming until it was too late. She fell hook, line, and sinker. Elara was cautious as she broached the topic, mindful of Luz’s seemingly irrational defenses. “Does she know what’s going on with you? Do your other friends?”

“No, they don’t. It’s nothing,” Luz swiftly denied, even though it was. It might be everything, one piece of the core of her issues. She didn’t think she was lying; didn’t think she was being totally truthful, either. “I need to be strong for them; don’t ever want them to feel the least bit guilty about what happened. I can’t let them know about this,” she admitted, the barest hint of a crack in her voice. “I have to stay happy-go-lucky Luz for them.” 

“Why?” Elara prodded carefully. “They’re your friends. They’ll understand, Luz. It’s important your support system is filled with people you can depend on,” she attempted to reason, but Luz wasn’t in the right mindset to hear any of it. “And they sound quite dependable to me. They’re the ones who tried to help you cure Eda, correct?”

“They are,” Luz agreed, her voice was sharp and wounded at the same time. She turned her head away as though she were recovering from a blow. For long moments, all Luz did was breathe. The exhales were harsh and shuddering. “I just _can’t_ ,” she declared, her hands clenching tight, the one captured by Elara careful of its grip on her. “ _Please_ don’t make me tell them.”

The healer lent forward, rubbing her thumb across the knuckles of the hand she still held. Luz’s other was still clenched tight over her knee; Elara covered it with her own and when Luz didn’t fight the contact, she drew both of Luz’s hands into her lap, squeezing them gently. “I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to, sweetie,” she murmured gently, that extinguished warmth in her eyes reignited. Feeling undeserving of it, Luz’s eyes slipped closed as she listened. “But I can’t stress how important it is you tell someone else. Lilith can’t be your only support,” she sounded pained by the admission, but her tone was relatively steady. “It isn’t a stable enough system to help you through what’s to come.”

Luz didn’t answer; she was afraid to, and Elara sensed it, filling in the gap. “You said your phone was your safety net before, correct?” And Luz nodded, signaling her understanding. “And when it stopped being your safety, you fell apart. What do you think will happen if Lilith isn’t there when you have another attack? Because she isn’t always going to be there to catch you, Luz.”

“I’ll fall apart again.” The admission, the raw honesty of it, broke through the walls Luz had surrounded herself in. Defenseless, now all Luz had was the promise of Elara to protect her. The teen fought off more tears. She was so _tired_ of crying. “I don’t want to keep breaking,” her eyes opened, finding the healer patiently waiting for her. “Can you do that for me? Can you stop me from breaking?”

Elara smiled, soft and sure. “I can. _We_ will overcome this together,” she promised. “Management will be our ultimate goal, but you have to promise me you’ll tell someone as soon as you can. I won’t push you, but know you can’t wait forever, or everything we’re doing here will be a wasted effort.”

“I promise I will.” She meant it, even as the thought terrified her beyond reason. 

“That’s what I like to hear,” the healer praised. She gave one last squeeze to Luz’s hands and then released her, gracefully standing as she smoothed out any wrinkles in her dress. “I believe this is a good stopping point for our first session. Though we are _far_ from done,” she warned her in a light tone. “Which probably means I need to go check on my _other_ patient before we can discuss my treatment plan any further with you.”

“Lilith?” Luz’s eyes flicked skyward. “Is she alright?”

“Well,” Elara drawled, her eyes briefly skyward as well before lowering. “She hasn’t stormed down here swearing vengeance yet.” She shrugged her shoulders, vaguely gesturing with a wave of her hand. “I can only assume she’s either accepted her fate, or has mercilessly murdered my palisman and now lies in wait for me.”

“Oh, right, the tongue thing.” Luz made a face. “What did she mean by that?”

“Asa likes to flick his tongue in people’s ears when they least expect it.” Elara smirked at Luz, a twinkle in her eyes. “It’s his way of showing affection.”

“Aw,” cooed Luz. “That’s _so_ cute.”

“I think so, too,” Elara clapped her hands together. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” she pivoted on her heel, speaking over her shoulder as she headed for the stairs, her hand waving in the direction of her massive bookshelves. “Feel free to browse anything in my collection. I know most teens these days aren’t into reading anymore, but I’m sure you’ll find something to occupy yourself with.” 

Luz nodded, her eyes moving to the shelves as the other woman’s steps faded away, a thoughtful expression on her face.

//

Lilith sighed as something warm and soft pressed against her lower back. The scent of roses filled her nose, and she bit back a moan as a gentle, insistent hand worked its way under her shirt, fingers splaying out against the left side of her ribs, caressing the skin with careful examination. A whisper of a touch rustled past her ear, the pieces of hair obstructing her face drawn back behind it. 

“Lily dear,” a voice at once familiar but different tempted her back to consciousness, though the siren’s call to sleep still clung tightly to her. “Love...as cute you are, it’s time to wake up.” Ignoring the soft voice, Lilith buried herself further into whatever soft object her head was currently resting on, the scent of roses much stronger here as she breathed it in. “Hm, I thought I told you to _heal_ her, Asa, _not_ lull her to sleep. You _know_ she hates it when you do that.”

Lilith’s ears twitched at the sound of a hiss. _Wait_. Disoriented, she took a moment to place her surroundings, her first deep breath reminding her of her injuries as a sliver of pain wormed its way through her sleep-induced haze. It hurt too much. _Everything_ hurt, but some part of her was reminding her it wasn’t nearly as _bad_ as before. _Why_ that was she didn’t know and the panic made her gulp in air, and that hurt too. She hated the choked noise of pain that fell from her lips but there was nothing she could do to hold it back.

The sound of rain tapping against the window panes drew even further confusion. Why hadn’t Edalyn called for her to protect the house from the boiling rain? Then there’s that soft voice murmuring again and another hiss like sound.

_Wait_.

This wasn’t right. 

_Wait_. 

Only ever in her _nightmares_ has Lilith dreamt of snakes, and the warmth against her was _far_ from the unpleasant horrors she’s tormented by in her dreams. Which meant… This _wasn’t_ a dream. 

Her eyes snapped open, and she had a split-second to register the fact that she was lying in _Elara’s_ bed, her palisman -curled into a ball with the world’s _smuggest_ look about it- not far off from her right in her peripheral, before Lilith’s mind rebooted and realized it was Elara _herself_ pressed against her back. _Her_ hand splayed out against her ribs. Her _injured_ ribs. 

Despite herself, Lilith stiffened, but the other woman didn’t budge from her clinical exploration, the stilling of her hand the only indication she was aware Lilith was now awake. Something close to panic settled in as Lilith wedged one arm between them, fingers firmly grasping the healer’s wrist, to cease all movements. She sat up too fast, the world a dizzying blur for a second, and Elara’s hands were on her, her eyes too _bright_ , trying to ease her down. “Where’s Luz? Where is she? Is she okay?”

Pain laced Lilith’s voice and Elara lowered hers in response. “She’s perfectly safe,” she assured, still trying to lay her back against the mattress but Lilith fought her. “She’s downstairs processing it all. But safe. She might even be a little bored by now.” 

She was talking quietly, Lilith knew that. Her voice always so _soft_ , but it still seemed loud in her ears. She couldn’t quite focus on her, and when she tried, the thudding in her head turned into a roar. It mattered little to her as something occurred to her, that Elara’s words were slowly beginning to ring clear in her ears. She repeated it several times until Lilith’s breathing evened out.

Luz _is_ safe. _Luz_ is safe. Luz is _safe_.

Lilith nodded, even though it made her head hurt, some of the tension leaching out of her frame. She didn’t know why she suddenly flashed on Luz, trembling and crying out into the night as her body betrayed her. Lilith couldn’t explain _any_ of it, but knowing the girl is safe was enough to quell the panic hanging over her. _For now_. 

Elara still held her carefully and Lilith finally gave into the healer’s gentle pushing and fell back against the mattress, her back landing with a soft thud. She shot an icy glare at the cobra, who still regarded her with that superior look, a tongue flicking at her. “I thought the agreement was if I let that miscreant look at me,” she grumbled, sending her icy glare to linger on Elara instead. “ _You_ wouldn’t go feeling me up.”

The healer feigned innocence. “Is _that_ we agreed upon?” Innocence may have coated her tone, but her eyes sparkled with mischief, the brightness dimming down until all Lilith was faced with was the molten gold hue she hasn’t found in anyone else on the Isles. “I’m sorry, love, I must’ve misheard you. Do you want to tell me what happened, or shall I take a guess?”

“I’m not your patient.” Lilith asserted with a quiet firmness. “ _Luz_ is.” Her words contradicted her actions, though, as she allotted herself to give in to Elara, letting the other woman assess her injuries without putting up so much of a fight. It’s not like she wouldn’t eventually wear Lilith down anyway. 

Elara actually smiled at that. “You’re _always_ my patient,” she drawled, her hand maneuvering back under the shirt and sliding over Lilith’s ribs, increasing pressure in tender areas. “I still haven’t cured that stubbornness yet, after all,” she huffed slightly. “Asa’s done a wonderful job healing the fractures in your ribs, by the way. I’d say in a few days you shouldn’t feel any soreness. How does your head feel?”

“It’s fine,” at Elara’s dubious look, Lilith relented with, “It aches, is _that_ what you want to hear?”

“It is, thank you,” Elara chirped, unaffected in the face of Lilith’s agitation. “You went to the Underground, didn’t you?” She kept her eyes on Lilith’s face. At any signs of a wince, a jolt of warmth pulsed under her skin. Lilith didn’t need to look to know the other woman was seeping her magic into her. She also didn’t need to look to know the soft caresses were by no means necessary in the slightest.

That’s all _Elara_. 

To say Elara Rime was a tactile person would be a gross understatement, if you had asked Lilith. This was one of the first things Lilith learned about the prodigy healer befriending her sister all those years ago. While Lilith had certainly never been mistreated by her family, at seven years of age she hadn’t grown up in a particularly affectionate environment anymore, except in the case of her sister. Lilith had acclimated to Edalyn’s need to invade her personal space early on, but where Edalyn pounced and held nothing back, Elara was crafty, sneaking her way past Lilith’s boundaries so effortlessly that by the time she’d even realize it, it was already too late to retreat from her warmth.

Essentially, Elara Rime was considered a danger to the elusive witch, the healer always armed with open arms and casual touches and kisses to spare. It was a bit of a shock, to say the least -and as a result, it became something Lilith did her best to avoid, if only for her own peace of mind. Because who really wants to be seen with _Lilith_ when there’s _Edalyn_? Edalyn, who freely embraces others, interlocking arms and drawing in other’s heat. Edalyn, who makes friends as if it’s second nature to her, not an ounce of awkwardness in her entire frame. Edalyn, who’s _so_ beautiful, even _now_ , that Lilith couldn’t ever hope to compare. If anyone deserved each other, it was those two. 

Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose in an effort to stall the pain ricocheting in her skull and halt that line of thought before a familiar pain blooms in her chest. She pursed her lips in obvious distaste. “I didn’t have much of a choice,” she admitted carefully. “I needed answers, and we weren’t finding them in the Night Market. The Underground seemed my best option at the moment.”

Elara’s eyes narrowed in clear disapproval. “ _Alone_ ? That wasn’t very wise of you, Lily dear,” she elevated an eyebrow that conveyed everything she wanted to say but didn’t. “Last I recall, the Underground doesn’t particularly favor those in the Emperor's Coven,” her eyes briefly landed on her wrist that was concealed by her shirt’s sleeve. “ _Especially_ a certain coven leader responsible for many of them landing in the Conformatorium in the first place.”

“They wouldn’t have winded up in the Conformatorium if they’d _followed_ the _law_ ,” Lilith spat and Elara didn’t look the least bit convinced by the weak exclamation. 

“I should’ve known you had ulterior motives for coming here. Why didn’t you tell me?”

She sighed, raking a hand through her hair. “Even if I did tell you, what use would you have been to me? You’re a _healer_ , Elara. Not exactly a _fighter_.”

“I can’t throw fireballs, no,” Elara agreed readily enough, finding no faults in the knowledge in her lack of prowess. “It’s better than walking in there alone, that’s for sure.” She leveled her with her best glower, which wasn’t all that impressive. “You could’ve been left for dead in some alley, and I wouldn’t have known until it was too late.”

Lilith rolled her eyes. “Say I let you go, _what_ would you have done?”

“Distract them with my strikingly good looks?” Elara asked with a playful put upon air. She sobered as she withdrew her hand from under Lilith’s shirt, resting it on her thigh instead. “You know I would’ve helped if you had just asked me, right?”

Lilith managed a smile, if a bit forced. “Yes, because you turning heads in a seedy area is going to give me the information I need.” 

Elara beamed. “Can’t be helped I’m so enchanting.”

_She’s certainly something_. Lilith would imagine Elara in the Underground; something in her stomach rolled at the image it flashed behind her eyes, her heart plummeting at the sight of ill-intentioned hands mere inches in reach from the healer. The knowledge Elara lived a few measly blocks from the entrance to the Underground was bad enough, but the idea of her actually _stepping_ \- _willingly_ , at that- into their territory froze the very blood in Lilith’s veins. The Underground catered to criminals, from measly pickpocketers to sadistic murders, and a healer of Elara’s caliber in their midst could tempt them in quite a few ways. 

Not only is Elara _beautiful_ , anyone with a pair of eyes could see that, but her sister’s also a member of the High Council, a seat of power witches would _kill_ someone for -tackle on the fact Mira is a _monster_ with a number of enemies eager to fish out revenge on the illusionist, you might as well call Elara a walking target. It wouldn’t take but a simple interaction between the Rime sisters for someone to realize that Mira’s one obvious weakness is her sister. That threatening Elara’s _life_ was a surefire way of bending the powerful illusionist to their will. Not only would she hand over her seat on the High Council in a heartbeat, she’d give _anything_ in exchange for her sister’s safe return. _Nothing_ was of greater importance to Mira than Elara. 

“Enough of that, love.”

Lilith blinked, jerked from her spiraling thoughts by a pair of golden eyes suddenly engulfing nearly her entire field of vision. Elara was leaning down to meet Lilith’s gaze, a painfully concerned look written across her _achingly_ beautiful features. She was so close now that her forest green hair brushed against Lilith’s cheeks. Her hand was still on Lilith’s thigh, careful not to bear too much of her weight on it, while the other was somewhere above Lilith’s shoulder, the mattress dipping in slightly. She was too close and not close enough.

“Um,” replied Lilith, belatedly. “I…you…” She swallowed, trying to gather her thoughts and failing. 

Elara raised one eyebrow, eyes sparking with amusement. “Yes?” She prodded, lips parting in the beginnings of a teasing grin. “It’s futile to hide from me, I know what you’re thinking.”

_No, you don’t_. Lilith actually laughed at that, a nervous release of energy. _You can’t ever know what I’m thinking_. Her eyes lifted toward the ceiling, trying to dispel how her heart felt like it might be consumed whole by the cloying _ache_ that came with being in close proximity to the healer. It had to be a byproduct of Elara’s magic, Lilith reasoned. It just oozes off of her in waves, emitting warmth and drawing others in with its whispered promises. Lilith can’t count on her fingers how many times she’s watched potential suitors trip over themselves to get even the chance to simply _speak_ with the healer. Let alone be the reason her smile’s radiance rivals the very sun. 

“Stop that,” Lilith finally said to her, her hand lifting to block the healer’s gaze with her palm. “Those eyes of yours are enough of a nuisance as it is.” Without those all-knowing eyes on her, Lilith let her eyes roam over Elara as she listened to the sounds of the rain beating on the roof. She wasn’t above admitting she missed the other woman's casual demeanor; some semblance of her basked in the ease of affection Elara was gifted at showering others with. “You start telling me you can read minds now, I will gouge your eyes out of your skull.” 

It was an empty threat, and the healer was aware of it, if the amused lift of her lips was of any indication. “Sorry, love,” She lifted her hand from Lilith’s thigh and lowered the other woman’s hand from her eyes, the unnatural light in them briefly brightening. “You know it’s not something I can just shut off whenever it pleases me.” The healer smiled as she said it in an effort to negate any sting the words may have otherwise had. 

She might as well haven't even bothered as Lilith shifted, stung by the soft words anyway and clamping down on the instinctive reaction to flinch as if she were physically struck. It was, after all, _her_ fault Elara’s spell was now a permanent fixture in her eyes. She stopped the memory of screaming and a repeated _I’m sorry_ before it could reach the light of day. The flare of shame still washed over her, just as fresh as the day it first bloomed in her chest. 

“I admit, I don’t know _exactly_ what you’re thinking,” Elara hummed, interrupting her thoughts a second time in as many minutes. Her eyes followed the healer’s hand as she ran it over Lilith’s forehead, rubbing it none too gently as those golden eyes rolled skyward. “I just know when you get this crease in your brow, it means something’s troubling you, which _usually_ leads you into getting into trouble.” 

Lilith swatted at her wrist, ceasing the action and drawing it away from her face. “You’re mistaking me for my sister. _I_ don’t get into trouble.” _No, I just make mistakes. Costly ones, at that._

Elara fixed Lilith with a deadpan look. “I’m sorry, are we saying entering a criminal underworld, - _alone_ , at that- where you’re the single most _despised_ person down there, _isn’t_ getting into trouble? Because if it’s not, then it’s incredibly _stupid_ of you.” 

Lilith’s lips pursed. “ _Why_ do I even bother having a conversation with you?”

“Because you love me,” was Elara’s quick reply, her smile charming. “And besides Eda, I’m the only one who doesn’t think it’s like pulling teeth to get a word out of you.” 

“That’s debatable,” Lilith stated flatly. 

Elara feigned hurt. “So you’re saying you _don’t_ love me.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, either.”

“So you _do_ love me.”

Lilith didn’t answer immediately. There wasn’t a rebuttal. “You’re right,” she admitted, changing tactics slightly. “It was stupid to go alone. Doesn’t change the fact I wouldn’t have allowed you to go with me.”

Elara stared intently at her. She was unnerved by the statement, but elected not to comment on it. Instead, she inquired, “What was so important that you’d risk your life for it?” 

“A portal.”

“A portal,” Elara parroted, her brow furrowed in confusion. “To the human realm, I presume?”

“I owe it to the human,” Lilith replied carefully. “My carelessness cost her way home; my desperation to right my wrongs through Belos’ promise to cure Edalyn nearly cost Luz her _life_.” She was staring at Elara intensely, willing the healer to believe her. Like it was important that Elara understand. “I can’t _ever_ forgive myself for it, but at the very least, I can do everything in my power to get her _home_.”

“Oh, Lilith,” Elara said, voice soft, private and full of something that made Lilith’s heart _ache_. Lilith was struck momentarily dumb at the sheer _intimacy_ of the moment as Elara pressed their foreheads together, carrying the scent of roses with her as her hair fell forward. “Do you not think _you_ could be that girl’s home?”

“Mm,” Lilith blinked owlishly at Elara, who was watching her with that adoring expression that always made Lilith’s heart clench painfully behind her ribs. “Yes, because killing children is a surefire way to a happy family.” She deflected swiftly and thought she saw something that looked like disappointment flicker in the golden depths of the healer’s eyes before she dismissed it as a trick of the light. She remembered with regret _why_ she couldn’t give in to Elara’s comfort. It wasn’t _real_. Not for _her_. 

“ _Almost_ killing children, and as long as we’re admitting something, I suppose,” Elara muttered darkly. She withdrew from Lilith’s personal space, creating enough distance between the two for Lilith to physically feel the absence of their combined heat. “Speaking of admitting things, we should probably discuss Luz.”

Lilith was grateful for the change in conversation. In a quiet whisper, she asked, “You said she’s processing, so I take it you’ve landed on a diagnosis?” 

“Yes,” Elara replied, simply and instantly. Although, she didn’t elaborate on exactly _what_. “I have many thoughts concerning her, I’m afraid.”

“As in?”

Elara shrugged, despite the sharp edge of worry in Lilith’s tone. “For starters, she’s compartmentalizing certain events; very _serious_ events that have altered her mind quite dramatically,” she stated calmly. “Usually I’m not one to discourage it; it’s not unhealthy to shelve an emotion for later review, but she’s locking them so far back in her mind she’s _numb_ to the thought of them, love.” She sighed, running her hand through her hair. “Opening the boxes just a crack crumble what little stability she still has control over. I can’t say how long it’s going to take to tackle each and every one of them. It’s why I’m here, actually. I need a better understanding of her schedule, I’d like to be able to see, or at least speak with her, twice a week.” 

“That might be complicated,” Lilith shook her head, offering a denial that sounded weak to her own ears. “I’ve already risked too much bringing her here; I don’t think I can guarantee her safety by showing our faces around here twice a week. Someone will start to notice and not even _your_ influence can keep the nobility from trying to get their greedy hands on her.”

“Fair,” Elara conceded. “Which leaves speaking with her. Does she even have any form of communications here?” She tapped her chin in thought. “She told me about her phone; that’s a human device, correct?” At Lilith’s nod, she waved a hand carelessly. “Suppose it wouldn’t do us much good anyway, even if it was still functional.”

“She has an orbuculum she uses to communicate with her friends,” Lilith confirmed. “Though Edalyn’s limited her usage since the whole incident. She’s paranoid that the Emperor might be listening in on her conversations, planning his next strike against her through Luz.” The _like I did_ was left unsaid. 

“Belos _does_ have access to the communication towers, so her paranoia isn't all that irrational.” She chuckled, and Lilith let herself relish the sound. “Mira and I have a secure line, I could set up a scroll for her to use. That way, she can contact me anytime she feels she needs my guidance without the pressures of alerting Eda’s presence.”

“As if.” Lilith made a face. “I wouldn’t put it past Mira to use it to her advantage. _Anything_ with her hands in it isn’t going _anywhere_ near Luz.”

“I will never understand your animosity towards each other,” Elara groused. “Would it really kill the two of you to get along?”

“Your sister is a narcissistic psychopath with sociopathic tendencies,” Lilith back-handed simply and instantly. “ _What_ is there to possibly like about her?” A question that will go unanswered as they’ve had this argument before. On multiple occasions. 

“Then what would _you_ propose, oh wise one?” Elara scoffed in a tone as close to annoyance as she’ll ever get. “I’d make the trip myself, but something tells me Eda isn’t going to be made aware of what’s happening with Luz anytime soon, now is she?”

Lilith had to look away from the accusation in the healer’s eyes. She wasn’t in the mood for _that_ discussion. “No. _Only_ when Luz is ready,” she replied, a finality in her tone. “Your presence at the house will only garner more questions.”

“Then what even is the _point_ of any of this?” It came out under her breath, laced with bitterness and something else Lilith was too in shock to identify. Elara stared at her, hostility bleeding into her weary, half-lidded eyes. “I can send her home with a list of experimental potions closely resembling the medications her world provides, but they’re only _temporary_ fixes, Lilith.” She was on the verge of snapping under the thin restraint of her patience; Lilith could see it. “She needs to _talk_ through her emotions. It’s time for her to face her fears and doubts before she is crushed under their weight. I can’t do that without a secure connection to her.”

“ _I don’t know_.” And she didn’t. She didn’t have an answer. She sat up, raking a hand roughly through her hair. “I won’t lie when I tell you I thought this would be a quick in and out. Your talent isn’t like anything the Isles has ever seen before, performing downright _miracles_ like it’s second nature to you. I thought if anyone could fix her, it’d be _you_.”

“Luz _doesn’t_ need to be fixed; she _isn’t_ broken,” Elara countered in the girl’s defense. “And you and I both know this isn’t some quick repair job that I can just slap a band-aid on and call it a day. I _can_ help her, but I _can’t_ do it in one sitting. So tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. Whatever it is.”

Lilith considered her words. After a moment, she gave a suggestion. “How about Hexside?”

“Hexside?” Elara repeated, her eyebrow raising curiously. “What about it?”

“Luz attends Hexside,” Lilith explained. “I could ask Headmaster Bump if he’s willing to let us use a classroom after school for your sessions. For Edalyn’s sake, we can say Luz has joined an after school club.” 

“Suppose it’s better than nothing.” Elara gripped Lilith’s hand warmly in her own. A strange tingle shot up her arm at her touch. “Just know that I’m not going to stay quiet on the matter of secrecy forever.” Elara squeezed and let go. “Eda has a right to know what’s going on.”

“I know.” Lilith curled that same hand into a fist in a meaningless effort to sustain Elara’s warmth for a moment longer. “I don’t want to keep it from her anymore than you do.”

Her reward was a smile brighter than the sun. Lilith locked it away as if it were _hers_. And _only_ hers.

//

Luz didn’t know how long she sat, in silence, before the boredom crept in and the urge to move surfaced, pocketing her phone and the raven trinket as she stood. Confident Lilith was in good hands upstairs, she let her thoughts wander through everything they discussed as she strolled over to Elara’s plethora of bookshelves. She knew about the anxiety she was experiencing -you don’t live in her realm and not hear about the pressures of the world tearing people down until they can’t function properly. Luz just always thought it wouldn’t happen to her. Not a whole lot really bothers her. She can brush off a world of hurt, but the Boiling Isles and the dangers of it were proving to be her downfall. At least she had a hand to hold.

Luz’s thoughts immediately turned to Lilith. Of how traumatic it must’ve been to go at this alone; never knowing the name of what was happening to her; the fear in the lack of control. The unwillingness to speak up about it out of some misguided notion it’s a sign of weakness. Curious, Luz pondered how Elara managed to help Lilith in the end without her knowledge of it, because Luz was pretty certain Lilith was managing it better. Especially in her guidance with Luz at her worst. 

Her eyes skimmed the titles on the spines of the books. Luz was realizing Lilith wasn’t exaggerating when she said Elara was adverse in all forms of medicinal knowledge. One bookshelf alone was catered to a variety of human medicinal books, ranging from anatomy study, cardiovascular research, psychology, journals on a variety of studies of the human body, and even several on herbal medicine. 

One shelf was dedicated specifically to mental health, Luz noted, as she ran her fingers across the spines of the books. She wondered how Elara came to own all these books; if Eda was the one to supply them to her since her mentor was one of the few actively seeking out human items. She also wondered if the sheer amount of one subject in particular was in response to her inability to help Lilith in the past, aside from the fact the older woman never wanted it in the first place.

Luz moved further down, her fingers still skimming the spines, until she stopped on one that had no title on it. She carefully pulled it out of its spot and flipped it open, finding not pages worth of words but an assortment of pictures. It was a photo album, she realized. A moment of panic surfaced at the thought of evading the other woman’s privacy, but she reminded herself that Elara said she was free to browse _anything_ on the shelves. Well, this one _was_ on a shelf; therefore, it meant it wasn’t off limits. 

With that, Luz let her curiosity unfold, and her eyes eagerly absorbed a younger version of the healer; surprised to find she wore a school uniform much different than the Clawthorne sisters. One that was distinctively more posh, consisting of a blue pleated skirt, white blouse, and a black vest -there was even a _tie_ the same blue as her skirt primly tucked into place around her neck. Luz was surprised, to say the least, to learn she attended a different academy, but Elara never really did say they went to the same school; just that they grew up together. 

Luz didn’t recognize anyone else in the pictures, assuming they were Elara’s friends during her school years; dressed in the same posh uniforms might’ve clued her in on that little detail. Luz couldn’t say she was all that surprised to learn the other woman was surrounded by people, as Elara’s warm personality drew one in like a moth to a flame. With that in mind, Luz let herself disregard the unknown faces and merely focus on the same smile she’s come to familiarize herself with, flipping a few more pages before her hand suddenly stills, a shock rippling down her spine. 

In the picture, there are _two_ of Elara in it, in the _same_ picture, sitting _next_ to one another. A realization settled over Luz: Elara has a _twin_. And while Elara is as radiant as the sun, smiling so wide for the camera her eyes are squinting, the other is...well, the other one is a still framed version of the Elara she witnessed not that long ago when she made the mistake of lashing out at her. The other didn’t attempt any effort to smile into the camera, merely regarded it with a blank stare. It was frightening to think there’s a copy of Elara out there lacking any of the habitual warmth Luz has grown familiar with in the Elara she knows. 

Luz flipped to another page; it was a misguided effort to escape the emptiness in those eyes, as the proceeding pictures showcased the other Elara. Although, Luz noted, in the few where the two sisters were alone, Luz caught a glimmer of warmth in the other’s eyes as she looked at Elara. It seemed that, like Lilith, revealing emotions around others wasn’t favored, and not for the first time, Luz wondered _why_. If it was a sign of weakness, wouldn’t _Elara_ be considered _weak_ to them? Instead, Lilith praised her as a _powerful_ healer, and if the curious smile on the other Elara’s face was any real indication, she thought her sister was powerful too. Then why? Why _hide_?

Luz carried the album back to the couch, reclaiming her perch at the edge of it as she settled the album in her lap. She continued flipping, lost in her thoughts until...

“Find something of interest?”

...not expecting the voice, she nearly leapt out of her skin because she didn’t even _hear_ the healer come up behind her, a screech of fright slipping past her lips. Luz had a mere second to clutch the photo album to her chest before she nearly dropped it in her haste to reel around, her widened gaze landing on the woman in question behind her, a scowling Lilith present at her side. The sight of the height difference between the two women would almost have been comical were Luz’s heart not currently threatening to combust beneath her ribcage. Seriously, the top of Elara’s head barely came to the same level as Lilith’s shoulder blades. 

That startled a throaty chuckle out of the healer. “I’m sorry, sweetie. We didn’t mean to scare you.” Luz didn’t believe her for a second, as her voice may have sounded sincere, her eyes told a whole different story, an abundance of mirth so overflowing in them Luz pondered choking the woman. 

Luz opened her mouth, hesitated, and closed it again. Another attempt to speak was thwarted by something flicking in her ear, the unexpected touch resulting in another startled screech. This time, to her abject horror, Luz dropped the photo album; at least it landed on the cushions instead of the hardwood floor. She wrenched whatever was slithering off from her shoulder and brought it forward, coming face to face with a dark wooden engraved cobra, the palisman flicking its tongue at her like it did nothing wrong in the slightest. She was in too much of a shock to scream again.

“Oops,” came Elara’s apologetic voice as it filtered through the chaos that was Luz’s thoughts. “I am _so_ sorry about him, sweetie. Asa gets a little carried when he meets new people.” The other woman gently scooped him from the frozen teen’s surprisingly light grip, the palisman slithering up to curl around the back of her neck. “He didn’t mean any harm.”

“Speak for yourself,” was Lilith’s heated response, carefully stepping an inch further away from Elara, her eyes laser focused on the cobra. She reached over the couch and grabbed the dropped photo album, holding it out for Luz to reclaim. “Are you alright? Do you need a minute?”

The shock evaporated in the face of Lilith’s concern. “Fine, I’m fine,” she said, whirling on the healer as she snatched the album back. “There’s two of you. I didn’t know there were two of you.” She didn’t catch the grimace on Lilith’s face at the words. “Did you know there are two of you?”

Elara looked at her questioningly; then a sudden epiphany and the healer nods. “I have a twin sister, yes. Kind of hard to miss that little detail.” She said wryly. Her eyes landed on the photo album Luz went back to clutching to her chest, a realization coming over her features. “ _Oh_. I see you found one of my albums.”

“ _One of_?” The teen whipped around to the bookshelves, her eyes laser focused on their intent to find the other albums. “As in there’s _more_?” _Are Lilith and Eda in any of them_? 

“Oh, yes,” a wicked smile crossed the healer’s face as her hand reached out and hovered over the one Luz held. “This one in particular has a _very_ interesting photo in it.” Her fingers tapped on it lightly. “But I’m afraid strolling down memory lane will have to wait.”

Luz looked over at her. “Right,” she muttered, exhaling heavily. “My treatment plan.” With a reluctance in her posture, Luz’s shoulders slumped and she set the album next to her on the couch. Nervously, she watched as Elara rounded the couch and gracefully reclaimed her dark leathered wingback chair, one leg crossing over the other as she steepled her hands together atop her raised knee. And instead of joining Luz on the couch, Lilith stood behind Elara’s chair, her arms folding over the back of it, a soft smile in reassurance thrown over the healer’s head at Luz. 

The teen tried to remain still, but with two pairs of eyes on her, it was near impossible. Her hands were clammy and to keep them from tapping her thighs in clear agitation, she gripped her knees instead. It was settling in for her how real this was. She couldn’t keep living this way anymore, and she couldn’t just go back to pretending now that she knows someone can help her. 

“So, what’s the plan?” Luz asked after a brief silence. 

Elara immediately launched into the idea of integrating herself into Luz’s school schedule, and with Bump’s permission, she’ll meet with Luz at the end of the school day for three hour sessions twice a week under the guise as an after school club if Eda starts asking any questions Luz isn’t ready for. The healer warned her that at each session she will direct them to more pressing topics, and anything Luz shelves will be brought up in the next. At some point, if Luz pins a certain topic one too many times, Elara will attempt to push the matter, as avoidance in their limited time together warranted more damage to Luz’s psyche. 

Admittedly, Luz was only half listening to the other woman, trusting she knew what was best, and let her eyes flick between the two women in interest. As imposing and cold-natured as Lilith portrayed herself, Luz noted the way she unconsciously gravitated to the healer, her eyes softening to a degree as the other woman rambled, her melodic voice effortlessly warding off any negativity in the room. _Guess I can’t blame her_ , Luz mused with a grin. She felt the magnetic pull to the healer herself, an all consuming need to be surrounded by her warmth. Are _all_ healers like that, or is just _Elara_?

“As I discussed earlier with Luz,” the cautious quality in the healer’s voice drew Luz back into the conversation, her eyes meeting the healer’s warm gaze. “I have a few experimental elixirs I’d like to test out on her.” The molten gold irises broke from Luz’s to lift her head and tilt it back at Lilith. “The dosage is low, as her human biology is less resilient than ours. But they shouldn’t cause any great concern over the possibility of severely hurting her.”

Lilith seemed to take a moment to ponder the words. “I trust your judgement, but it’s really up to Luz.” She finally offered, a shrug lifting her shoulders. “What are they meant to treat her for?”

Elara softly hummed, her eyes returning to Luz as she spoke. “As you know, one will help with your sleep disturbances.” A _dreamless_ sleep, she promised. “Another will be what your world calls an antidepressant; it’s highly experimental, and if you agree to take it, I want you to be honest with me about any side effects you experience while on it.”

“What kind of side effects?” Luz had to ask.

“The most common you’re already familiar with: drowsiness, dizziness, fatigue, and nausea,” she paused, the healer fixing her with a look she couldn’t quite decipher. “The worst that could happen is you could experience hallucinations, greater bouts of mood shifts, seizures…” She trailed off, unlacing her hands to wave one carelessly. “If you think it’s too much, or if the side effects aren’t worth what improvements you get, we can either alter the components in the elixir or start from scratch until one works for you.”

Luz gnawed on her bottom lip. “Okay,” she nodded. “I’m willing to try them.” She was looking forward to it despite the anxiety swimming in her gut. Despite the risks. If only to regain a sense of normality. 

Her agreement was rewarded by a blinding smile from the healer. “Perfect. I already have a three days worth batch made up for you, and I trust Lilith’s potion making abilities, so I’ve written out a copy for her to follow when you run out,” she said, leaning further back in her chair. “As long as no concerning side effects pop up, I’d like for you to stay on the elixirs for a few weeks to give them a chance to get into your system before deciding if they’re helping you or not.”

_Sounds easy enough_. Luz nodded. “I can do that.” She pulled the photo album into her lap. “So, we’ve covered medications, my therapy sessions, and my need for a broader support system. Anything else needs to be said, or can we…” she trailed off, waving the album up slightly. 

Amused, a mischievous glint came into the healer’s eyes. Leaning back a little further in the seat, she tilted her head up to Lilith and asked, “Yes, Lily dear, anything else you can think of before I embarrass you in front of your cutie?” 

Lilith sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. “There’s nothing I can do to talk you out of it, is there?”

“Nothing you’re up for, my love,” the healer chirped, drawing one of Lilith’s hands into hers and briefly squeezing it. She swiftly rose from her chair to join Luz on the couch, her palisman slithering off and disappearing out of sight. She eased the album out of the teen’s hands, and then as she began flipping through it, her darkly-bemused expression was replaced by one sly in nature. “Let me tell you about this particular picture,” she said, rotating the album to face Luz, who wasn’t the least bit disappointed by what her eyes landed on. 

It was _Lilith_ with a very _Eda_ -like smirk on her face. 

Of course, Luz immediately yanked the album from the healer’s hands, which made Elara laugh despite the rudeness in the exchange. “Wowsers.” Her fingertips traced very lightly over the photograph, trying to commit the image to memory. “Is this you, Lilith?” Shaking her head, Luz attempted again, “I mean, obviously it’s you. It’s just you don’t smile like that. _Ever_.” _Eda wasn’t kidding about Lilith’s hair being as puffy as a cloud._

Lilith glares, pointedly, at the photograph in the album the teen rotates for her to look at. “Because it’s not me,” she groused, her glare shifting over to Elara. “It’s Edalyn and her despicable body swap spell.”

“You’re just upset she made you her first guinea pig,” Elara teased, trying not to grin too broadly. “It was Eda’s first attempt at the body swap spell,” she clarified to Luz. “She chose Lily here and they were swapped for _two_ whole days.”

Luz felt her expression shift into a skeptical one. “Wha-” Glancing down at the photo again, she then looked up at the healer. “Two days? Why?”

“Because Edalyn doesn’t think things through.” Lilith deadpanned, her glower further creasing her features.

Elara was holding a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, but Lilith’s pout being tossed at her in response threatened to be her undoing, her shoulders gently shaking from the strain. “Eda didn’t quite know how to swap them back yet,” she said after settling, clearing her throat. “She was also having too much fun annoying Lilith.”

Eyes round, Luz whispered, “What did she do?”

“Well,” Smiling a little too wide, golden irises too bright with sly intent, Elara began. “What _didn’t_ she do? Let’s see, she dyed Lilith’s hair fluorescent pink,” with that she reached over and flipped a few pages, and Luz giggled, staring at the bright pink cloud atop a glowering teenaged Lilith’s head. “She racked up Lilith’s permanent record to be as long as hers with the amount of pranks she squeezed in those two days, their grudgby practices were done _inside_ the school, and she decided to shamelessly flirt with every girl in their school, joking that if she didn’t lend a helping hand Lilith would never get her first kiss.” Elara smirked over at Lilith. “Including my sisters, who were all oh so eager to claim Lilith for themselves.”

“ _Wait_.” Luz choked on a snort. “ _All_ of your sisters had a crush on Lilith?”

“Oh yes,” confirmed Elara, her smile never faltering at the acknowledgement. “Except Mira, of course.” She waved a hand carelessly. “The two of them despise each other, which made flirting with Mira all the more entertaining for Eda. I believe it’s the _only_ time I’ve ever seen my sister genuinely _scared_ for her life.”

_Mira_. The name sounded familiar to Luz, but she brushed it off with a moment’s hesitation. “She didn’t actually steal your first kiss from you, did she?” She asked in a lower voice, her eyes on Lilith, who kept her gaze averted. “Eda wouldn’t do that, right?”

Lilith blinked, still keeping her gaze elsewhere. “What?” But then the question caught up with her. “Oh, no. She didn’t.” A flush bloomed on her cheeks as she cleared her throat, her eyes briefly flicking over at them. “I, uh, I already had my first kiss before Edalyn swapped us.” A frown affixed itself on her face. “I never told her, but somehow she managed to find out about it.”

“ _What?!_ ” Luz yelped. Recovering herself at the shock in Lilith’s eyes, she went to say with slightly more decorum, “Who did you kiss? What did Eda do when she found it?”

“Her flirting turned into an interrogation,” Lilith said flatly. “If I had any interest in dating, it was surely ruined after that whole fiasco.” 

“Okay, but _who_ did you kiss?”

“That isn’t important.”

“Oh, _come on_ ,” Luz whined in exasperation, rolling her head back on the back of the couch. “It wasn’t someone from your school, or else you would’ve mentioned Eda pulling her form of threatening disembowelment on them, which means it was someone _outside_ of the school.” Luz jerked up at a thought. “Was it one of Elara’s sisters?”

“Don’t you dare start,” Lilith growled warningly. It took Luz a second to realize she wasn’t directing the words at her but to the healer, who was suddenly too _quiet_. 

“I haven’t said a thing!” Elara protested robustly, hands raised in defense. “But if I _were_ to say something, it would merely be-”

“ _Don’t_.” When Elara pursed her lips and did the little lock-and-key motion in front of them, Lilith rolled her eyes. “You’re impossible, and it’s about time we wrapped this up. I need to get Luz back before Edalyn returns from her human junk of a stand. The elixirs, where are they?”

“They’re in my study, along with the instructions,” Elara sighed, waiting for Lilith to nod and disappear back up the stairs to retrieve them before she leveled an uncertain stare at Luz. “Let me start with this,” she hurriedly murmured. “I don’t like secrets, especially from Lilith, but your health is more important to me than Lilith’s trust in me right now.” For some reason, Luz felt like this was a first for the other woman.

Luz waited a moment for Elara to elaborate. She didn’t. “Are we keeping a secret from Lilith?” She hedged the other woman.

“Yes, but not too terrible of one,” Elara hurriedly assured her. She swiftly rose from the couch and dashed over to her kitchen island, opening a drawer and scooping something Luz couldn’t see out of it. She returned and held it out to Luz. “The idea of sending you off with those experimental elixirs without a proper means for you to contact me just doesn’t settle well with me.” 

Luz carefully took what she was offering into her hands, her eyes widening in surprise to discover it was a scroll. “I…” She frowned, her brow furrowing. “I don’t understand. Why do I need to keep a scroll a secret from Lilith?”

“It’s modified, so it’s not one you’ll find on the market,” Elara explained, glancing over her shoulder for any signs of Lilith’s return. “There’s only two of these made; my sister has the other one, which I suppose I’ll have to get from her later today.” She chuckled humorlessly. “ _That’s_ certainly something I’m not looking forward to.”

Luz simply gaped at the healer, bottom lip slightly hanging open as she tried to process this latest development. “I’m still not following,” she said. “Why are there only two of them?”

“Joining the High Council comes with a price,” Elara started. “Not even Lilith was privy to that information.” Her voice was pure steel, but her face was impassive. “As I’m sure you know, the High Council consists of the Isles most gifted witches. United, I wouldn’t be surprised if they could take down the Emperor himself, and he must be aware of that fact as well.” 

The implications behind the response knocked the breath straight out of Luz’s lungs. “You mean…” She couldn’t even finish.

Elara nodded. “A life for a life. When you become a member of the High Council, the most important thing in your life is branded with a glyph, one meant to snuff out a life if the Emperor so desires it. It's how he keeps them under his thumb, the awareness he could destroy their very _reason_ for living with a _snap_ of his fingers.” 

Luz’s hands shook from where they clasped the scroll on her lap. “Elara, are _you_ branded?” 

Elara tried to smile, valiantly. It mostly worked. “Don’t worry about me, sweetie.” She meant to be reassuring, but Luz felt like taking the scroll from the other woman meant sending her to her death. The healer must have picked up on it, as she settled her hands over Luz’s, stilling their shaking. “Trust me, Luz, I’m perfectly safe.” She squeezed her hands. “Right now, you need this more than me, and it gives me a sense of peace knowing you have an easier way of contacting me. Which you can. For _anything_.”

“But…” When Elara looked up sharply, golden eyes wide with something Luz couldn’t decipher, Luz instantly averted her own eyes from the intensity there. She kept her gaze on their hands as she asked, “If it only takes a snap of his fingers, why have the modified scrolls?”

“Mira’s been searching for a way to deactivate the glyph. We don’t see each other as often anymore, so she had the scrolls modified in order to update me on any leads she comes across.”

_Mira_. _High Council_. It finally clicked with Luz why the name was so familiar, her mind flashing back to Lilith’s warning about the gifted illusionist. Elara’s _twin_. After several seconds of tense silence, Luz met Elara’s intensity with one of her own. There were a million questions on the tip of her tongue, but time wasn’t on their side, so she settled for a promise instead. “If you’re helping me, I want to help you, too.”

A quiet, weary laugh. “That’s very thoughtful of you, sweetie,” The healer gave one last squeeze before drawing her hands away. “But let’s focus on getting you better, okay?”

Luz opened her mouth to refute the healer, but Lilith suddenly materialized behind the couch, the clinking of the jars in her hand alerting them of her presence. The teen hurried to shove the scroll into her back pocket before she noticed it, while Elara stood and her face began to soften, slowly losing some of the tension it had been holding since their private conversation started.

“Well,” Elara said brightly, clapping her hands together, cheeks bunched with cheer that may have only been partly false. “It was lovely having you both here, and I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon, sweetie.” Her eyes were so _warm_ when they met Luz’s. “Shall I show you two out?”

At those words, Luz nearly deflated. A quick peak at Lilith revealed she felt the same, but she found her voice before Luz could. “Right,” her smirk was subdued. “Let’s go, Luz, before the next bout of rain comes.”

Luz nodded, standing and brushing off any imaginary dirt from her clothes, following the two women with a drag in her steps. Her heart suddenly got snagged somewhere as they made it to the door, and she felt it plummeting away from her as Lilith’s fingers touched down on the handle. She didn’t want to leave. Funny that, seeing as earlier she didn’t even want to be here. 

She struggled to ignore it, mouth working to produce a word, any word, and finding that she had none. One of her hands raised to reach for Elara before falling uselessly away. Then she swallowed a cry and launched herself at the healer, taking the other woman by complete surprise, her arms cinching around her to squeeze as much comfort into the hug as she could possibly muster. 

“ _Oh!_ ” Elara burst out, taken aback. She smoothed her hands over Luz’s back as lightly as she could, eventually moving one up to rest on the nape of her neck. “Hey, now, no need for the tears. You’ll see me again in no time, sweetie.” 

_You know damn well this has nothing to do with missing you,_ Luz’s mind hissed. _Shut up and take my comfort._ After a moment, Luz drew back to gaze at the healer, bleary eyes searching. She realized she was actually an inch taller than Elara. She swallowed thickly, nodding her head. “I know. I just…” She didn’t finish, deciding to collect herself. She broke the hold and staggered over to Lilith and grabbed her by the forearm, teeth gritted. “I’ll be waiting outside.” She flung herself out the door before Lilith could even open her mouth.

She took several ragged breaths before glancing back at the opened doorway. She had stepped far enough away not to be able to hear their hushed conversation, but kept an inconspicuous eye on the two friends. Luz snorted as Lilith merely stood staring, looking like a deer in headlights, as Elara hooked her chin between her fingers, drawing her down to press a soft, quick kiss to her cheek. Elara gave a pat on the same cheek with her hand and Lilith’s eyes rolled skyward, finally stepping out as Elara threw a wink at her and closed the door. 

Lilith stepped up to her. “Are you alright?” She questioned softly, her hand raising as if to reach out for the teen.

Lower lip trembling, Luz told her, “You know she loves you, right?” She never meant to say it, but the thought of Elara left alone with the knowledge she was basically a ticking time bomb let the words blurt out on their own accord. "Like, the kind of love that's more _romantic_ than friendly."

Lilith’s face twitched slightly, and she dropped her eyes away. “She doesn’t.” Milliseconds later, she leaned her head back, appearing more frightened than Luz has ever seen her before. “It’s not me she’s in love with. It’s _Edalyn_.”

The laugh that escaped Luz’s throat was so bleak it barely qualified as one. “You’re an _idiot_ ,” was her deadpanned assessment. She didn’t bother to look back over her shoulder as she headed to the alley that would lead them back to the town’s square. She didn’t need to see with her own eyes to know Lilith doubted her words, denying them in the face of what she believed to be the truth. 

Luz couldn't wrap her head around the fact the older witch couldn't see what is right in front of her.

//

Eda was waiting for them when they arrived home, a scowl on her features. She arched a brow. “You wanna tell me where the _hell_ you’ve been?” 

Shame might’ve crept up on Luz any other day; she might’ve remained to be a buffer between the sisters for the fight she’s all too aware will break out from their absence from the house, but all she felt was exhaustion and a simmering frustration at the moment. “Lilith’s an idiot,” was all she said as she stomped up the stairs to her room. “ _Un gran idiota estúpido!_ ”

Eda’s confused “ _What_?” went ignored by the teen, and Lilith was too oblivious to even be able to answer the question; Luz catching in her peripheral the shrug of her shoulders she offered her sister in return. 

Luz needed a nap. And a plan. To end the sisters' curse. To save Elara from possible demise. To end Belos' reign on the Isles. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize immensely for how long this took. I really can't apologize enough. There's been a lot going on, but here we are! Let's do this. Also, if you're sad we didn't get any embarrassing stories, don't you worry, we'll get them in time.


	7. friend, please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one month after fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swears. Amity is sus. Willow is sus.

It’s begun to rain. _Again_.

A storm front had moved in from the bay and was now pelting Bonesborough with fluctuating downpours, a gray haze hanging from one end of the town to the other. It started early that morning, the town’s people taking advantage of the occasional breaks in the weather to complete their tasks before hunkering down again. According to the demon on the news channel (at least, Luz’s _assuming_ it’s a news channel; it’s _nothing_ like back home, that’s for sure) it didn’t appear to be clearing up until late tomorrow. Despite the dreary weather, Luz’s friends still agreed to come over, assuring they can always return home when the chance is presented to them. 

_It’s raining. I hate the rain._

Luz leaned back, unconsciously sinking into the chair at the breakfast table as her head fell back. Her eyes slid shut, listening to her friends avidly chat about the day’s events. Listened even closer to the sound of the rain shifting from hitting the roof to the force field Lilith was recasting over the house, as the one she casted this morning had cracked under the weight of the rain moments ago. There was a time when Luz liked the rain, even if it _boils_ , but she hasn’t since the elder Clawthorne came into their lives. Really, she didn’t like what _casting_ the field does _to_ Lilith. 

Since the curse was split between the two Clawthorne sisters, and through quite a bit of trial and error, they’ve learned Lilith doesn’t have to take the elixir so long as she doesn’t use up her magical reserves. However, a mass majority of spells leave her drained, like the force field to protect the house from the boiling rain. Luz feels her heart leap in her throat every time Lilith comes back down the stairs from the roof with Eda, her pale features ashen and drawn tight in exhaustion. 

Eda still needed to take the elixir, though not as frequently as she had in the past. A supplier of hers, Morton, heard rumors about a stronger concoction last month, and after a trip to the Night Market, Eda was better equipped to handle the curse than she’s ever been. Her magic’s still gone, but she’s confident with Lilith on their side the two of them will figure it out together. Two years in and Luz is wondering if they’re even still _trying_ to break the curse. 

The tell-tale creak of the stairs alert Luz the occupants of her thoughts have returned. She slowly opened her eyes, head leant further back to lock on the threshold into the kitchen. Impatiently, she waits for the sisters, but only one of the Clawthornes enters her field of vision. It’s _Eda_. The knot in her stomach turns to lead. _¿Está bien?_

Eda levels a look at her. Her smile is unreadable. “Well, looks like you kids might be stuck here for a while,” Eda informed the group, casually; not a hint of concern in her tone. “I’m sure if it comes down to it your parents won’t mind if you stay the night."

Luz bites her lip. “How’s Lilith? Is she okay?”

The older woman squeezes Luz’s shoulder. “She’s fine, kid,” she reassured, which isn’t very assuring if Lilith isn’t _here_ to prove it. “Lily’s just got a headache, so try and keep the noise to a minimum, alright?” 

A chorus of confirmations, two cups of steaming tea, and a last-minute instruction _not_ to touch the contents in the cabinet above the fridge later, Eda is headed out of the kitchen and up to Lilith’s room. Luz aches to follow her. Just to see with her own eyes the elder Clawthorne really is alright. Luz is about to follow through with it when...

“My dad says the rain should only last till morning before dissipating.”

...she nearly leaps out of her own skin at the sudden vocal reminder her friends are still with her. In the kitchen. Working on their homework. _Together_. She winces. What kind of friend was she that she could so easily forget their existence? The familiar feel of her anxiety is quick to rear its head: that sudden itch under the surface layer of her skin. She scratches her collarbone absentmindedly. _Not today_. 

Luz shifted back in her original position and centered her focus on Gus. He was seated diagonally from her, a magazine from her world opened atop his schoolwork and a sleeping King situated in his lap under the table. He gave the occasional head scratch to the demon.

To this day, it still amazes Luz how much a person can change in two years -Gus wasn’t some short kid anymore, but a boy growing into a man. He was already the same height as Luz, who had her own growth spurt as well, his long limbs in that awkward stage of developing into smooth muscle. His voice, once upon a time riddled in cracks, was growing deeper and more masculine by the day; the breaks happening less. The baby fat in his cheeks was slimming down to well-defined cheekbones and a strong jaw. He was shaping up to be a real lady-killer. Or boy-killer. Or anything between. Luz Noceda does _not_ judge preferences. 

“He works with a guy,” Gus went on, oblivious to Luz’s inner observation. “Who can, like, _read_ the clouds. It’s insane! He’s right _every time_.”

“Ed likes to think he can read the clouds,” Amity commented without glancing up from her book. “Spoiler alert: he _can’t_. It’s an embarrassment the sheer number of times mother’s had to call in a healer because of him.” She was seated directly across from Luz. Her schoolwork is neatly organized around her, while Luz’s work nearly takes up the whole table; some of it even overlaps Amity’s. She doesn’t seem to mind it, brushing away whatever’s in her way when she needs to.

Amity's differences weren't as drastic as Gus’. Her face was slimmer, high cheekbones more defined. Her voice is still soft and smooth. She’s shorter than Luz now, but that’s more due to Luz’s growth spurt than anything else. Her hair, on the other hand, was her biggest change, as she'd begun growing her hair out, still its classic mint green shade, and it fell well past her collarbone. It softened her features and suited her doll-like face well. Luz liked the length. _Really_ liked it. She felt like Eda anytime her fingers itched to touch it.

As of late, The Blights have been hosting a number of balls at their manor; Amity’s explained it’s an attempt at an expansion in their business tactic the Blights are scaredly good at. The balls themselves aren’t what’s important, so much as the rare glimpse of her friend’s hair curled into soft waves is; Amity prefers Eda to do her hair rather than the hairdressers her mother hires. _(“It’s like they don’t think I can feel them trying to yank my hair out of my scalp. At least Eda is a little nicer about it.”)_ Luz can’t help but see a lot of Elara’s features in Amity when her hair is curled, and she wonders if the two are more closely related than she thought, or if the Blight genes are _that dominant_ that you can’t even tell the families _apart_. 

“I just hope my dads moved my plants indoors.” Willow sighs, glancing out the window. Her chin rests on her hand as she twirls her pen with the other. She's seated beside Luz to be of better service with her plant track homework. They're learning Luz was better suited for creating plants with her glyphs than actually caring for them. (Luz once commented she loved Elara’s plants and the healer had gifted her one for their one month anniversary. Suffice to say, Luz never felt so much like a murderer in her life. The poor, wilted plant was practically shoved into the healer’s hands, and Luz only felt marginally better when the healer assured her it was tough and could be revived. She now receives pictures of her plant, which is as close as Luz will _ever_ get to owning a plant again.) 

Like Gus, Willow's the same height as Luz. Her curvy figure was filling out more in the chest and hips, and if the eyes following her around were any indicators, others were starting to notice it too. Like Amity, she's grown her hair out, the wild blue curls kept tamed in a ponytail by a hair tie made from vines. She still has her round glasses that suit her round face perfectly. 

“I’m sure they did, Willow,” Luz is quick to chime in, refocusing on the conversation. “They wouldn’t leave them to the tortures of the boiling rain!”

“Thanks, Luz,” Willow beams. She glances over her shoulder to where Eda exited, then faced the group again, lowering her voice to a whisper. “What did Eda have to say about the tomb in The Ribs?”

Luz sighs. “Eda said they’d look into it, but it’s been a _week_ already.” She flops back in her chair, limbs limply resting on either side. “How much longer do I have to _wait?_ ”

“I’m sure they’re just being thorough.”

Gus nodded the same moment Luz groaned. “Yeah, it’s not like Eda can just magic her way in,” he says, flipping the page of his magazine before adding, “not like she used to, at least.”

“I know, I know.” Luz’s voice was shrill with indignation, and when her friends shushed her, she casted a glance behind her to see if Eda was headed their way -along with a quick peek from Gus at the still slumbering King. When it seemed they were in the clear, she turned back around and sighed. “You guys don’t think it’s a trap too, do you?”

“Do I believe Professor Krill intentionally set you up? No,” Willow affirmed. She closed her book, as it seemed homework was the last thing on any of their minds. “Do I think it’s a little suspicious? I’m afraid so.”

“I’m with Willow,” Gus gave her a weak smile, his shoulders shrugging in uncertainty. “It’s too much of a coincidence to be anything good.”

Luz’s eyes widened, then narrowed in the same instant. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” she slammed a hand down on the table, her friends wincing at the move and King sputtering awake, his head popping up over the table. Luz barely registered him. “Belos hasn’t tried anything in _two years_. I’ve been out in public on multiple occasions, have walked straight past the Emperor’s guards, and _never_ has my life been threatened. Why should this be _any_ different?”

“Wait, Luz, where are you going?” King asked, lifting himself to sit on the table instead of Gus’ lap. “Eda won’t be happy if she’s already told you no, you know.” Unsurprisingly, he went ignored.

“The deathly glare Eda levels their way might have something to do with it,” Amity countered. “And whether she’s their leader or a wanted criminal, the Emperor's guards are terrified of Lilith.” She waved her pen in a circle before rolling her eyes. “They’re also idiots.” 

“Amity’s got a point,” Gus snickered. “Lilith’s got the whole ‘I can kill you with a stare’ look down and Eda _is_ pretty terrifying when she’s spewing promises of disembowelment.” 

Willow hid a giggle behind her hand. “And they’ve seen firsthand what they’re capable of.” She canted her head. “It’s unclear to me if they even know Eda no longer possesses her magic; she’s pretty crafty at hiding those glyphs.”

“Like the time she set one of the merchant’s tents on fire,” Gus shuddered. “All because he said Lilith would look good beneath him.”

“Oh yeah,” Willow winced. “I really thought for a moment she did it with her eyes alone. Eda looked _so_ murderous that day.” 

Amity rested her cheek in the palm of her hand. “Didn’t he go missing shortly after that?”

Gus paled. “You don’t think she _actually_ murdered him, do you?”

“Wouldn’t put it past her,” Amity replied. “She’s _very_ overprotective of Lilith. Don’t know what for.” She muttered the last of it in the palm of her hand; her brows furrowed. 

Luz sighed. She pinched the bridge of her nose and breathed deeply. It was a Lilith habit, _she knew_. But it helped to center the irrational rage building in her chest. The itch under her skin was worsening. “You guys are missing the point here,” she attempted to redirect them back to the topic. “This could be our chance to _learn_ something. Maybe there’s carvings on the walls of the old ways in there, or spell books on wild magic; maybe even undiscovered glyphs. The barrier was made to keep witches _out_ , right? There has to be _something_. I can’t just sit around and do nothing.” 

Willow frowns a little. “Eda’s not asking you to do nothing. If she says she’ll look into it, you have trust she will.”

“Yeah, she’s just keeping you safe, Luz,” reasoned Gus. “I’ve heard some _wicked_ horror stories about The Ribs.”

Luz’s voice was grave when she asked, “How bad _is_ The Ribs?”

_“The Ribs?”_ King squawked. Again, ignored. 

Willow’s features turned thoughtful. “My dads tell me if you don’t properly cast protection spells on yourself the nights will freeze your blood solid in your veins.”

Gus nodded. “My dad said the midmorning sun is _so_ blinding you’ll claw your own eyeballs out of your skull to escape it.”

“Not to mention the heat will drive you into insanity.”

“Which is _why_ you should leave such matters to Eda and Lilith,” Amity growled, her voice raising an octave higher than a whisper. “I admit, Lilith is right when she said The Ribs isn’t safe for inexperienced witches. Besides, you can’t cast protection spells on yourself. You wouldn’t survive a second out there.”

Luz’s eyes narrowed, and she folded her arms across her chest in defiance. “You don’t know that. Maybe my human biology is immune to whatever The Ribs could throw at me.”

The skepticism rolls off Amity in waves. “You caught some weird human cold just a month ago when you _insisted_ on building snowmen during that short snowstorm we had.”

“If there’s snow you build snowmen,” Luz said matter-of-factly. “I don’t make the rules, Blight.”

Willow gives Amity a discerning _look,_ and then she lands her gaze on Luz. “Sorry, Luz, but Amity’s right. Protection spells are important when traveling to The Ribs. Border control won’t even let you pass through unless you’re properly equipped.”

Luz rubs her chin in thought. “Viney’s in the healing track, right?” She asked. “She could cast them on me and I’ll be fine.”

Gus frowned. “As good as Viney is, she’s not an expert level caster. Her spells could wear off before you even reach The Ribs.” He scratches King behind the ear -the little demon was still pouting about being ignored by his favorite human. It seems to mollify him over, his fluffy tail wagging. Luz might have found it cute if she wasn’t so annoyed.

_Expert level caster_. Luz just so happened to know one. The _best_. Her hand gravitated to the scroll stashed in her back pocket and then she redirected it to rest on her thigh instead. She’s been in consistent contact with the healer since Elara handed it to her at the off-chance she ever needed her, which started off as simple updates on how she was handling the elixirs to reciting their entire days to each other. A part of Luz was scared if she didn’t hear from Elara the worst may have happened; Luz wouldn’t be surprised if the healer picked up on it; she’s _never_ ignored a single text from the teen. Like three in the morning, make no lick of sense, kind of messages. All she needed was an assurance the other woman was _alive_.

Luz wanted to bat the thought away in an instant. Elara was already in deep water with the Emperor -her sister’s position on the High Council branding the healer as leverage to keep Mira in line. She didn’t need Luz’s penchant for trouble resulting in Belos setting his sights on her anymore than they already are. But if there was _any_ chance something of value was in that tomb, maybe the rewards far outweighed the risks. In truth, Luz could only hope so.

“I know an expert level caster,” said Luz, unnecessarily pointing to herself. “I could ask her to cast them on me.”

Amity merely quirks a brow. “Why am I not surprised,” she snarked, a smirk curling her lips despite the annoyance showcased on her features. “You’re such a klutz; of course you’d be on familiar terms with a healer.”

“ _Hey_ ,” there’s a twitch developing at the corner of Luz’s eye, and she’s desperately fighting to suppress the urge to launch herself over the table and put Amity into a headlock. “That is so _rude_ , Blight.”

“I understand,” Amity’s smirk is flawlessly devious as she says it, “ that the truth _is_ hard to swallow, Noceda.”

“Take it back, Amity.”

“Case one-of-a-thousand: you tripped yesterday on a step. It was only _one_ step. And you were looking _right at it_.”

“Oh, you are just _asking_ for it now!”

Luz is leveraging herself up in preparation to leap over the table at Amity, before Willow puts up a hand to silence their bickering; Luz instantly stilling, her palms flat on the table and one knee raised at the edge. She clears her throat as both sets of eyes careen around at her, but she didn’t flinch under their intensity. “If you two are done flirting now,” she has to hide a smile behind her hand at the sight of Amity’s flush and Luz’s blink of obvious confusion. “How do you know a healer, Luz?” She inquired, lowering her hand back to the table. “Healers tend to keep their relationships strictly professional with their patients, but you almost sound like your friends with one.”

“Are they really like that?” Luz felt her features twist into confusion. She lowered back down to her chair, her face further pinching at the chorus of nods she was greeted with. “Oh,” she shrugged her shoulders with a remarkable lack of concern. “Elara’s not like the other healers then.” 

“Wait, Elara?” Amity sat up straighter, her hand lowered to rest on her opened notebook. “As in Elara _Rime?_ ” 

“Yesss?” Luz answered cautiously, unsure of the look Amity was sprouting on her face, a blend of astonishment and suspicion, but Luz catches a bit of hopefulness mixed in at the edges. _Interesting._

“And you’re going to ask _her_ to cast protection spells on _you?”_

“Yes?”

“And you fully believe she’ll keep it a secret from the Clawthorne sisters?”

“Yes.” _It won’t be the first._

“And you don’t see the flaws in this plan? Not a single one?”

“No?”

“You’re joking.” A pause. “You’re not joking.” Amity massages her temples, breathing in deeply. “Okay, who’s to say how long they’ll last on you? Do you even know how long you’d be in The Ribs? Even powerful witches, including _the_ Elara Rime, have to reapply protection spells after a point.”

Luz moves to rebuke her, but Willow cuts her off. “Face it, Luz. This isn’t something you can do on your own,” Willow says it without even a hint of censure. “I’m sorry to say, but _none_ of us are going to let you _kill_ yourself by running headlong into the unknown. Maybe this once we should let the adults handle it.”

“Guys, _I know_. I know you mean well. But this is _important_.”

Amity had had enough. She abruptly stood, her chair sliding back with a harsh _screech_. Her face was twisted in rage; cheeks blooming a bright red. “Do you even _hear_ yourself?” She snarled. “ _Nothing_ is worth getting yourself killed over.” 

Luz mirrored her. There’s a pricking feeling in her fingers and up her spine and her chest is constricting painfully. It’s a warning. A warning she knows is stupid to ignore, but she does it anyway. “ _They’re_ worth it!” A sound she’s never heard before leaves her throat; painful and twisted. “ _Two years_. Two years and we finally have a piece of information to go off of, and we’re just going to _sit on it?_ Does anyone even want to _help_ me _break_ the curse?”

Willow’s eyes are wide, and Gus is briefly slack-jawed; hurt palpable in their eyes that she’d even ask. “ _Of course_ we do, Luz!” They both chimed at once. 

Amity is silent. Then: “I don’t want _you_ to get hurt, Luz.” She folds her arms across her stomach, guilt and fear etched into her features. “To me, this isn’t worth _your_ life.”

The room is too quiet. Dead, absolute, can’t even hear a pin drop silence, and Gus and Willow watch on helplessly as Luz and Amity show no sign of relenting their glares at the other. _Oh no_ , Luz’s jaw is clenched so tight her teeth ache. Her anxiety was spiking to a level veering close to a full-blown panic attack. A quick glance out of the corner of her eye tells her that Willow is slowly putting the pieces together, though she couldn’t really _know_ what those pieces actually _entailed_ , as Elara had explained to Luz once that the majority of the Isles didn’t believe mental health is a real thing and would rather spiral out of control than admit there’s something wrong. It was Luz’s saving grace, but she needed to redirect this before questions were asked. 

It seemed her other saving grace came in the form of Gus.

“Okay, okay,” Gus finally says, holding his hands up in a placating gesture. “We’re all getting off on the wrong foot here,” and then he stops and takes a breath. Waits for Luz and Amity to settle back down into their seats, the scrape of the chair legs the only sound for a moment. “I think,” he starts a little hesitantly. “That what everyone _wants_ to say is we’re not going to let you do this alone.” Willow and Amity are frowning at him, but Luz is listening, so Gus pushes forward. “We want to help you, Luz, but this might be too dangerous, even for _you_. We have to think this one through.”

Luz doesn’t say anything for a while; she just bites her lip and studies her own hands. She finally clenches them before letting one drop, disappearing under the table as she fishes into her back pocket. She briefly hesitates, her gaze sweeping over her friends. “You asked me if Elara would tell Eda and Lilith about this...well, I can tell you with certainty she won’t,” she pulls the scroll out and gently sets it on the table; one of her secrets was now exposed, and Luz couldn’t tell if it was a good thing or not. “Elara gave this to me sometime ago; it’s been one of the secrets we’ve kept from Eda and Lilith. She can be trusted,” she pleaded. “I promise you this.”

“I-” Amity starts, and then stops. Blinks. Stares. Her golden stare is fiercely defensive as she sets it on the scroll; frowning as if she could obliterate the device with her thoughts alone. “How does this make her trustworthy?” She finally refutes, her eyes flicking up to Luz. “Keeping a secret like this is dangerous, Luz. Keeping _any_ secrets is dangerous.”

Luz ignores her words; they were hitting a little too close to home. “ _How_ is this dangerous?” She infers instead, and points down at the scroll. “Elara is an absolute _angel_ ,” there’s something dark in Amity’s eyes at the word; a brief flicker of confusion tugging the corner of her mouth down. “She’s a _healer._ Causing harm to someone is the last thing she’d ever want to do. You should know this, since you clearly already know about her.”

“ _Everyone_ knows about her,” Amity scoffed. “Mother says she’s only so renowned because she’s a cheat. And you’re telling me I can _trust_ someone like that?” However, the look in her eyes didn’t quite match her words, that hopeful emotion swimming to the surface of her eyes. She kept flicking her gaze between the scroll and Luz.

Does Amity _want_ to meet Elara? For now, Luz shelves the thought for later inspection, as another stirs a defensive ache in her chest. _Cheat_. In a way, Luz had to hand it to Amity’s mother; she wasn’t quite in the wrong, even Elara’s called the All-Knowing Sight a cheat herself. It was by no means the _only_ reason Elara was so good at her profession that Amity’s mother was implying to; the healer studied a form of medicine that no one prior to her on the Isles had ever bothered to approach; Elara learned it and mastered it in her own way. If Amity’s mother ever called the healer a hack to Luz’s face, the human could not be held responsible for the amount of _hell_ the elder Blight would pay for her slander. _No one_ messes with Luz Noceda’s friends.

“She’s _not_ a cheat, Amity. Your mother is just _salty_ ,” that brief flicker of confusion earlier is now fully sprouted on Amity’s face, so Luz clarifies her statement. “It means she’s butthurt that for someone, who should be but isn’t technically a Blight because your family is stupid, is _so_ powerful she’s the Isles most renowned healer. While your mother is…” Luz stutters for a second, waving a hand in the air as if grasping for words. “Well, I don’t know what she is, but she’s not well-known for her specialty, that’s for sure.” 

Wide, golden eyes, along with a flash of white teeth as Amity’s jaw practically unhinges. _Speechless_. Amity’s frozen expression is all the witchling is capable of in the face of her friend talking down about her mother, a _Blight_ , and Luz felt her lips twitch into a victorious smirk. Luz somehow manages to calmly fold her hands atop the table, her shoulders set and back straight, instead of blurting out _HA!_ with as much force as she can muster, because _in your face, Blight!_ would be a little overkill. Not that Luz wasn’t tempted to. _Oh man, Lilith’s right; Eda_ is _a bad influence on me._

“Well,” Gus chimes in, and folds his hands behind his head as he peers thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “That’s one vote for no from Amity,” he pointedly ignores the dark glare he can feel burning a hole into the side of his face. “Mine is a yes. I trust your judgement, Luz. If you say she’s reliable, I’ll side with you.”

“Thanks, Gus,” Luz smiles crookedly. “What about you, Willow? Yay or nay?” 

Willow settles her chin in one hand as she regards her. “I don’t know, Luz; I’ve heard mixed opinions about Elara Rime,” her tone is neutral, but there’s something peculiar in her eyes. “You never did say _how_ you came to know her. Elara _is_ pretty high in demand; a scrape here and there can’t be the _only_ reason you’re familiar with her.”

Luz hesitates. Willow’s onto her, she knows it. Luz just _stares_ at her friends, with her eyes open far wider than normal and a distinct sensation of breathlessness so strong it’s as if someone just punched her in the stomach. She’s been unwilling to accept -though a small part of her anticipated this, really- that her condition would eventually be brought to light to her friends, because while Elara’s assistance has been a tremendous help in Luz’s ability to better handle her panic attacks, she had to admit she _was_ bound to slip at some point. _(“You can either have the cards slip from your fingers, with you struggling behind your defenses to explain to them that you’re still you, or you can have them securely in your hands, with your defenses lowered and your words steady. But no matter what, sweetie, they will one day know, and only you can decide if it’s by your own hand or fate’s.”)_ Luz chooses fate; it hasn’t failed her yet. Except in the case with Eda, but Luz wasn’t going there today.

“Well-” Luz starts, and then she has to clear her throat. “She’s a friend of Lilith’s. Oh, and Eda’s, of course.” _Nice save, Noceda. Mental high five!_ “They grew up together. Eda’s nickname for her is actually kind of hilarious to me now because-”

“Wait, wait,” Amity cuts her off. There’s an uncomfortable tightness in her voice as she hisses. “ _Lilith’s_ friend? Cold-hearted, attempted murderer, ruiner of her sister’s life Lilith has a _friend_ _?”_ Amity turns up her nose. “Then that _hack_ of a healer isn’t worth a grain of salt.”

Luz bristles, her eyes narrowing into slits as her features twist into a snarl. “Amity,” she said slowly, an _oh so_ familiar growl rumbling in her throat. “If you think for a second you can just-” she never got to finish, her words lodging themselves back in her throat at the sight of a black blur rounding on her friend.

_“Hey!”_ King snarls -actually _snarls_ , the sound bone-rattling- and his fur is raised in a line down his back as he stands before Amity. “Lilith is a part of _our family_ now and as a family, _we protect our own._ ” One of his claws repeatedly jams Amity in the nose as he says it, the witchling too stunned to move even an inch. “Yeah, so she’s made some mistakes, _big whoop_ ; she’s doing her best to atone for it, and if that’s good enough for us, then you need to accept it as well. Or you’ll find yourself out of here, sister.”

“I-” Amity stutters; it was almost comical how wide her eyes are.

King prattles on over her. “And Elara is the sweetest, kindest, nicest witch you’ll ever meet. She’s like Luz, makes you all gooey on the inside. And she gives the _best_ tummy scratches,” with every word he utters the hair on his back slowly starts to lower and the snarl in his voice simmers out until all that’s left is King’s usual flippant cadence. It wasn’t long before his tail started wagging. “Oh, and she’s got _both_ of the Clawthornes wrapped around her finger.” He adds, almost as an afterthought. “Anyone who can make _Eda_ bend to their will with just a _look_ is A-Okay in my book. Like Luz!”

Amity’s throat bobs in a hard swallow, but she stiffly nods once; it appeases King enough to back away from her personal space, plopping himself back down in the middle of the table. There’s a look of such raw pain spreading over her face that Luz immediately feels her chest clench in sympathy. She forgets sometimes that Amity’s not like the rest of them. Trust has never come easily to the youngest Blight, her parents love out of obligation than real affection and her siblings torrent of embarrassing pranks teetering too close to emotional harm to the girl. She hasn’t had the chance to really sit down with Lilith and realize she _has_ changed for the better. 

“I’m sorry,” Amity says, her voice painfully even. Her shoulders are visibly tense -almost pulled up to her ears- and neck bent demurely with her gaze firmly fixed on the scattering of school assignments in front of her. A perfect posture for perfect discomfort. “I know… _I know_ what she means to you. I just…”

“It’s okay, Amity,” Luz promises, and finds a smile which seems to ease a fraction of the tension lining Amity’s shoulders. She reaches a hand out, her smile brightening a little more when Amity carefully sets one of her own in Luz’s. “You don’t know Lilith like I do,” she squeezes her friend’s hand gently. “And you don’t know Elara. What if you give her a fighting chance, huh? Meet her. See for yourself why she can be trusted with this. With _me_.”

A nod; just one, with those gold eyes never leaving hers. Briefly, Luz closes her eyes, sighing in relief. She squeezes Amity’s hand one last time, before she’s withdrawing it away from her friend’s warmth. 

“I’ll make a decision when I meet her as well,” came Willow’s careful response. “Though I’m sure she’s as lovely as King has made her out to be.”

“You guys are the best!” Luz beams, and then she frowns, as Gus’ features have suddenly shifted from nonchalant to pinched in concern. “Gus?”

Gus holds his breath. Releases. Chews his lip. Finally, hesitatingly, he voices a thought. “Are you sure this isn’t about the possibility of another portal?”

_“What?”_ Luz sputters, her eyes sharpening to glare daggers at the boy. 

Gus winces at the intensity in her eyes. “It’s just,” he pauses, unsure. “With breaking the curse, I can understand the idea of jumping headlong without a plan from Eda. No witch _wants_ to be magicless. But _you_ , Luz, there has to be more to it.”

“Like _what_ _?”_ Luz hisses. All of her warning signs were flashing behind her eyes. A flare of pain in the palms of her hands confirm she’s clenched her fists tight enough for her nails to pierce the flesh of her skin. She eases her grip. There’s an anguish in her chest at the thought she’s cycling backwards again. She didn’t want Eda to _worry_ again. She didn’t want to _disappoint_ Lilith. She didn’t want to face Elara as a _failure_. She _can’t_. Lilith pulled herself from this hell once; so can Luz. 

“ _Home_.” Amity breathes. “A _way_ home, Luz.”

_Home_. It wasn’t _fair_. It wasn’t fair to _her_. It wasn’t fair to _them_. If she was brave enough, if she was _strong_ enough, to tell them what the word home does to her, even _now_. What it triggers. If she was only _honest_ with the few people she can trust in this world. Tell them how heavy the weight the guilt she carries in every fiber of her being is from the simple yearning to go _home;_ to leave this dangerous and scary world behind her. Of how much it _terrifies_ her that someday she might have to choose between her family here and her mami. _Again_.

“I don’t -I wouldn’t- I…” And she needs to get out of here -as in _right now_ \- so she’s standing in a flash, rocking back on her heels, horrified. She feels her legs quake with the effort of holding her body up. “I have to-” A breath, a second, and she’s dimly aware she’s hyperventilating. The familiar panic was quickly trampling over her control. She needed to get _away_. She needed to get away _now_. “I...need to go.” _Breathe!_

Don’t let them _see_. 

Without any warning, she’s fleeing because _she has to get away_ , and she’s kind of in disbelief that her shaking legs can support her at all. Her friends cry out for her; she doesn’t even turn, because she just doesn’t have the headspace to deal with anything or anyone else. And she’s halfway up the stairs when she’s grabbed by the back of her shirt, stilling her panic driven steps. A pair of arms twist her to face whoever held such a vice-like grip around her. A voice is calling out her name, but it’s the _wrong_ register, the cadence higher than the smokey one she is aching to hear. And the eyes are all wrong, golden and gray instead of _blue_. 

“Kid? Kid, _Luz_ , are you okay?” Luz blinks, eyes locking but unseeing onto Eda’s. Her mind _screams_ it’s all _wrong_. “I need you to look at me, kid. _Really_ look at me.”

She does. At least, she _tries_ to. “Eda, _please_ ,” she begs. The words catch in her throat, sharp and jagged. She grasps the older woman wrists, her entire form starting to shake. As guilt-ridden as it makes her, Eda is only a minor balm to the gaping hole in her fragility in this moment. Lilith _understood_. Lilith could _fix_ it. 

Eda’s stare is _searing_. _Wrong_. Her gaze briefly glances over the teen’s shoulder, shakes her head, and returns her attention back to Luz. “We heard some ruckus. Lily’s a little savage at the moment. Had to pin her down to the bed to keep her from murdering your friends. She nearly socked me in the nose, too. _Ha_.” She cackled. “Didn’t help that headache of hers in the slightest, let me tell you.”

Luz hiccups. She breathes in once, sharply, through her nose. Eda’s scent hits her -chamomile, warm spices, and _comfort_. It isn’t _enough_. She tries _so_ hard to rebuild her foundation like Elara’s taught her. She doesn’t want to resort to the _awful_ medicinal liquids the healer concocted for her. She wants _Lilith_. 

Eda must notice. “Is it completely gone, kid? Can you regain your ground?” She asks, gently, her eyes searching hers.

She grits her teeth. Breathes in. And exhales. Shakily, she shook her head and then nodded in answer. The older woman’s brows furrowed in confusion for a second before it registered. “That’s my girl,” she praises. A ball of warmth settles in Luz’s chest; she grasps it tightly and holds onto it. “Just breathe a little more for me.” She squeezes her shoulders as she sighs. “Lily will definitely fry your friends if you go up there looking like this.”

“I’m sorry, Eda.” Luz whispers, her hands falling away from their hold on her mentor’s wrist. _I’m sorry I’m a failure. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry._

“S’okay, kid. I got you. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Luz sank to the ground, perching herself on one of the steps. She tucked her body until the top of her head pressed against the tops of her thighs, her fists at her ears, chest heaving with panic. “I thought I was _better_ at this,” she choked out. “Why am I _still_ so broken?”

Eda knelt down beside her. “You’re not broken, kid,” she protested gently, throwing an arm across the teen’s shoulders and drawing her into her warmth. “You’re _perfect_.” She squeezed her gently. “To _me_ you’re perfect. _Hell_ , even Lily thinks you’re perfect.”

Drawing in another deep breath, Luz exhaled again. “Lilith says you shouldn’t swear,” she mumbles into her thighs, her head shifting to the side to peer out at her mentor. 

Eda casted her gaze around, her head twisting to look over both of her shoulders. “Coast is clear, kid,” she quips, a cat-like smile firmly affixed to her lips. “We can say whatever the _fuck_ we want.”

Luz snorted. It was shaky, but there. 

Her mentor tugs her closer, with a light nuzzle of Eda’s nose against her temple accompanying it. “I love you, kid,” she promises, and she scratches at the hair at the back of her neck carefully with her nails, just like she always does with Lilith; Luz can understand why the elder Clawthorne likes it so much. “Nothing is ever going to change that, got it? You think you’re too broken for love? I’ll love you through it. You need Lily to get through this? I’ll be here, _still_ loving you. Nothing, and I mean _nothing_ , will ever stop me from loving you.” 

“Mm, I love you, too.” Luz is nodding -there’s even a smile tugging at her lips- but there’s a muted sadness in her eyes.

Eda must notice it, as she only shifts to press a soft kiss to her temple. “You, uh, want to tell me what’s got you all so heated today?” At the stiffening of Luz’s shoulders, she hushes her softly. “You don’t gotta answer, kid. I’m here either way.”

Mahogany eyes narrow as Luz frowns. “It’s not really all that important.”

“Huh,” is what Eda says, however, and somehow -really, both Clawthorne sisters are particularly talented in this field- manages to convey the level of skepticism she feels in the one word alone. “Want to run that by me again? Because ‘not really important’,” and then Luz is bodily flailing as Eda’s arm slips down to dig into the teen’s side and ribs, drawing out a startled laugh from Luz that has her practically crying. “Doesn’t quite match up with how you responded to it.”

“It’s stupid!” Luz howls, and then hiccups as the fingers relent at her answer. “I reacted stupidly to a simple question.”

“We might have a problem then,” Eda says gravely, and Luz flinches as she hastily withdraws from her mentor. Her thoughts spiral down a line of _‘this is it’_ and _‘you fucked up now’_ , before they’re grinded to a halt by the fingers hooking under her chin, her eyes rearing up to lock onto Eda, who’s grinning from ear to ear. “You’re taking too much after Lily. Separation might be needed; I can’t have three idiots in my house.”

“ _Eda_ ,” Luz mutters breathlessly, whiplashing from the swarm of emotions, and then they both start laughing. And Luz is instantly reminded _why_ Lilith fought _so_ hard to reconcile with her sister; why, out of everyone on the Isles, _Eda_ is her _home_. 

“Alright, kid,” Eda breathes, letting her lips twitch into a grin. “I know you’re dying to see Lily,” she hoists her body up with a grunt, briefly rubbing her back before holding her hands out. “Get going before you wear a hole in my stairs with your anxious vibrating.”

Luz accepts the offer, and with a thorough once over from her overprotective mentor, who’s headed downstairs to handle her friends, Luz is sent on her way up the rest of the stairs. She sharply turns the corner, heads down the hallway to the third door on the left, and freezes with her hand on the knob. A breath in and she opens the door.

The room is dark, a single candle lit to encompass the room in the warm glow of its light. There’s a single body occupying the bed, a pillow tossed over their face and an arm swung over on top of it. Luz’s guessing Eda threw it over Lilith earlier, as Lilith is the _worst_ when her headaches rear themselves. She isn’t sure how she makes it over to the bed -she’s too emotionally wrung out to care at this point- she just does, and she doesn’t hesitate to throw herself onto the unsuspecting older woman.

Lilith’s _oomph_ of surprise, along with her pillow tossed to the side to reveal her heated glare, does little to deter the teen as she nestles her head under her chin. “ _Lo siento,”_ she murmurs quietly. She closes her eyes and sinks further into Lilith, one arm carefully lodging itself beneath Lilith’s neck, the other curling around her waist and cinching the fabric of her sweater, and entwining her legs around Lilith’s in her need to be as close as physically possible to the older woman. Lilith is stiff in her hold for a moment; still adjusting to Luz’s newest form of physical contact with her. _How does Eda and Elara do it?_

It’s all sorts of frustrating for the teen, because it’s not the same with Eda. The sisters' reconciliation has ignited the fire of an inner child in Eda, who likes to pounce on her unsuspecting sister whenever it pleases her, who likes to casually lean against her; likes to thread her fingers through Lilith’s hair. And Lilith just grumbles and scolds her sister about how dangerous pouncing on her is, but never, _never_ does she flinch at Eda’s touch. It’s... well, it's a tell-tale sign of old habits from long ago; their rekindled bond blossoming under childhood habits they haven’t had the pleasure to indulge in since a rift was created between them because of Lilith’s curse. 

And Luz shouldn’t be surprised that Elara's in the same boat as Eda. Luz has interacted with the two women enough to know they instinctively gravitated towards each other, one always seeking the other out. Elara’s touches are always soft and sure with Lilith; there’s nothing sneaky about her advances, just a self-assurance she _knows_ how to skim her fingers over Lilith’s wrist, an unspoken command in the way she hooks Lilith’s chin for a hello kiss on the cheek, and the healer can clasp their hands with an ease born of years initiating the same gesture over and over again; Lilith just rolls her eyes at the smugness in Elara’s smile (and yet she keeps their hands linked, so really, Elara has every reason to be smug, if you ask Luz). 

Luz is observant by nature, and a thought has been creeping up lately at the back of her mind; a thought she can’t quite push down anymore. Because while their physical closeness is still relatively new and Lilith is still adjusting to the snuggler Luz is proud to admit she is, Lilith still minutely flinches at the mere _intentions_ of Luz initiating physical contact with her to this degree. At first, Luz thought it was merely a fear of the teen discovering the other stash of scars Lilith conceals beneath her sweaters, but Luz has already been privy to quite a few of them; so it can’t be because of that and the thought is dismissed, which dredges up one that scares the _living hell_ out of her. She doesn’t even want to _think_ about it, let alone _ask._

“Tell me what they did to you,” Lilith growled, the rumble of the threat in her tone reverberating around the heartbeat by Luz’s ear. “Tell me so I know how to _hurt_ them.” And then there’s the pleasant feeling of cool fingers flitting through her hair.

Luz softly hums, a warm sensation in her chest despite the knowledge Lilith was essentially threatening to murder her friends. _“Mi culpa,”_ she murmurs. _“Fue mi culpa.”_

_“Luz.”_

Luz is thoroughly unable to come up with a single thing to say. So she just curls into Lilith a bit tighter, until she can hear the steady beat of the older woman’s heart under her ear, and the way her voice echoes subtly in her chest as she continues to mumble out vague threats in regards to her friends. Luz is content to sleepily listen to her, until she mutters that she’ll lock Willow in a room full of bugs. “She’s afraid of them, right? No surprise a plant lover would have a fear of bugs.”

And then Luz is laughing hard enough her ribs ache. _“Lilith,”_ she wheezes. “ _Dios,_ you can’t do that to Willow. And isn’t Elara a plant lover? You saying you’d lock her in a room full of bugs?”

“Elara doesn’t fear bugs,” Lilith says matter-of-fact. “But she _is_ afraid of the dark. So, yes, I would lock her in a dark room. _Titan knows_ she deserves it sometimes.”

Luz snorted. “You _wouldn’t_.”

“I _would_ ,” Lilith responds dryly. She shifts minutely to better accommodate Luz’s weight atop her. “I think you’re a little too old for all this cuddling nonsense.”

Luz hums. “No one is too old for cuddles, Lily.”

“I beg to differ.”

And yet, there is no resistance. There’s just Lilith’s arms holding her, her hands stroking her back, until all Luz knows is safety and _love._ And Luz just hugs her as tightly as she can, and has to fight back tears at the feeling of Lilith’s fingers slowly, soothingly combing through her hair and a kiss touching against her hairline right above her temple. Because _this_ is the _real_ Lilith. The Lilith she could have always been if such high expectations hadn’t been placed on her shoulders as a child. If her insecurities hadn’t shredded her love for her sister and allowed her to curse her out of jealousy; out of fear of being left behind. 

Like this, Luz will drift in and out of sleep, lulled by the sounds of two sets of breathing and Lilith’s voice, so low that she’s almost whispering as she hums some childhood lullaby. She’ll only wake when another weight shifts against Lilith’s other side, her eyes slowly blinking open to catch Eda nuzzling her cheek against her sister’s, who grumpily swats her face away but lets her settle against her for an impromptu nap. Luz’s heart is further warmed when King and Owlbert scamper up the bed and curl up into a ball on Lilith’s stomach. _My family._

“I’m rolling all of you onto the floor,” Lilith hisses without any real heat in her voice. “Do you even realize how heavy you all are?”

“If we’re so heavy,” Eda quips as she swings one leg over Lilith’s hip and winds up hooking over Luz’s in the process. “Then good luck rolling all of us off of you.”

Luz gurgles out something she thinks sounds like a laugh, but she’s too tired to put any real effort into it, and Lilith’s entire body just goes completely boneless at the sound. Her fingers resume their gentle combing, lulling Luz back to a dreamless slumber; Eda’s soft murmur of ‘ _you big_ _softie_ ’ and King’s gentle snoring follow her down. 

//

Amity slammed her door shut behind her. She sighed, her eyes briefly closing.

Amity slid down the wall until her backside hit the floor and then she tucked her legs to her chest, her bag squished between her, resting her chin on her raised knees as she let her mind process everything that happened. She was expecting the guilt over hurting Luz to linger, and while she’s right in that aspect, she’s apparently also vastly overestimated how much she actually knows about her friend. In her defense, the witchling’s always had an inkling there was something more going on with Luz; it was basically impossible to ignore it now, not after the sheer _panic_ in Luz’s eyes floods her mind every time she closes her eyes. 

There’s a sudden buzz coming from inside her bag, nearly scaring the life out of her. With a gasp and a hard bodily jolt, Amity dug into her bag and fished out her scroll, presuming she received a message from her mother or the twins. But when she swipes her thumb across the screen, there’s no sign of any new notifications from the last time she checked her scroll before entering the Owl House. 

Amity frowns, and then her eyebrows spike skyward as she rifles further down into her bag. A second scroll appears in her hand, the case around it styled in various roses. The healer’s scroll. _Elara Rime._ Amity fights down a wince, recalling as to why she has it instead of Luz. 

_(The sound of footsteps headed in their direction, paired with the knowledge Amity knows they don’t belong to Luz, was nothing compared to the blood roaring in her ears as Amity dove for the scroll still settled on Luz’s side of the table. Her hand fumbled as she grabbed the device, and for a second, she imagined it slipping through her fingers and crashing back down onto the table, alerting one of the Clawthornes about its existence when Luz, for some reason, didn’t yet want them to know about it._

_That would be the icing on the cake, as Luz likes to say about sticky situations._

_But Amity secured it firmly and stowed it in the bag hanging at the back of her chair, silently promising herself she’ll return it to Luz before she leaves. She’s only just withdrawing her hand when the Owl Lady herself enters their field of vision. The gray-haired witch doesn’t appear to be too angry with them, but there’s a tightness around her eyes that doesn’t ease the tension in Amity’s shoulders._

_“I’m so sorry!” Gus blurts. The boy was practically squeezing the life out of King as he clutched him to his chest. “I didn’t mean to hurt Luz. I swear.”_

_Eda just grins; it’s not her usual one, but it’s close. “You didn’t do anything wrong, squirt,” she tells him. “Luz just gets a little overwhelmed sometimes and needs a minute to calm down. She’s with Lily now, and I highly doubt my sister plans on letting her out of her sights.”_

_Amity frowns. “Will she be okay?”_

_“Course,” Eda chuckles, and flicks the witchling in the forehead with gentle fingers. “Don’t want to wrinkle while you’re young, minty. Now, come on, I’ll get you kids home before the rain starts again.”_

_A quick glance out the window reveals the rain has indeed stopped for the time being. They take a few minutes to stash their belongings in their bags and follow Eda out the door, flicking one last look up the stairs in concern for their friend.)_

The memory is batted away by a second buzz in her hand. Amity startles, holding the device away from her as if it’ll explode at any second. A weird combination of feelings churn in her stomach at the sight of two notifications flashing across the screen before it goes dark, because there’s a guilt for essentially stealing Luz’s property -albeit unintentionally, mind you- but also a burning curiosity and a _need_ to _know_ about the renowned healer. _The_ Elara Rime. Because there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by where her mother isn’t backhanding the healer for one reason or another; the amount of _hate_ her mother spews over a person she, presumably, is _never_ in contact with confounds Amity. 

_“It means she’s butthurt that for someone, who should be but isn’t technically a Blight because your family is stupid…”_ Amity isn’t blind; she’s seen photos of Elara Rime, the healer a common feature on the headlines of the newspapers her father likes to pretend he’s reading in the morning. It was a tactic to serve as both a buffer to avoid any interaction with his children, and if Amity isn’t mistaken, Alador Blight is acutely attuned to the knowledge as to what just _seeing_ the healer does to the one and only Odalia Blight, and somehow finds _enjoyment_ in getting a rise out of his wife so early in the morning. So, yes, Amity’s _seen_ Elara. 

You can change a last name, but you can’t, for the life of you, deny the Blight genetics: that particular shade of green hair and golden eyes combo. It was _all_ Blight. The only thing about her that Amity can infer as a Rime quirk was the soft smile shaping her lips. Never in her life has Amity ever seen it on a single one of her relatives’ faces, even by those outside of her immediate family (and Amity’s extended family is _huge_ ); not even on Edric, who Amity considered to be the nicest member of her family. So, introspect, Elara Rime _is_ a Blight; a Blight her mother despised. Amity wanted to know _why_.

With that thought alone occupying the entire space of her mind, Amity drew the scroll closer to her again. She vehemently swore she wouldn’t invade Luz’s privacy any more than she already was, which meant she couldn’t merely message the healer, as that would lead to accidentally reading their most recent conversation. Amity’s not like her siblings, and she’s most certainly not her mother. A simple call was the safest bet. In and out. _Easy_. Taking a calming breath, she let the device come to life with a swipe of her thumb.

It immediately started buzzing in her hand.

In her shock, Amity flung the device across the room, a _thunk_ resounding as it smacked into the wall. One hand clutches her chest, while the other flies over her mouth, her eyes widened in something akin to horror. _Oh no, oh no._ She wasn’t so much concerned with breaking the device, as scrolls were magically based and shattering takes quite a bit more effort than that, so much as she was by _who_ was calling. _What do I do? What do I do? What. Do. I. Do?!_

Thankfully, she was home alone for now, no one near enough to hear the scroll’s impact with the wall. As if sensing her thoughts, it started buzzing again -somehow louder than before, and Amity scrambled in her haste to stand up. From there she would hurry, though not too quickly, over to where she accidently threw the device, scooping it up in shaking fingers just as it buzzed one last time before stilling. 

For a second, she thought that was it, but it started buzzing again in her hand. _Do I answer it?_ She was already in the process of calling the healer herself, right? _But what if she hates me right off the bat? She’s going to think I intentionally took it from Luz. Oh no._

Well, there’s really only one way to find out. A quick swipe, a second for regret to strike her, and Amity is officially greeted by a face she’s only ever seen on the front of her father’s newspaper. Pictures don’t do her any justice, Amity muses, and even through a screen, Amity notes her smile is still so radiant. 

_“Hello, sweetie,”_ the smile gave way to a dubious raise of the other woman’s eyebrow, her eyes suspiciously assessing her for a moment. _“Well, this is certainly an interesting surprise. Who might you be, dear?”_

Amity just stares at her for a long moment, because she’s so… _so unlike_...and it’s…

And Amity’s tearing up, because it’s so, _so_ not _fair_ for anyone to be capable of such a warm disposition, least of all a _Blight_. It’s not possible for them, but yet here one is. 

_“You must be Amity,”_ Elara says softly, and when Amity meets her eyes through the screen she just… she can tell that she _knows_. _“You have my attention, little one, how can I help you?”_

And of course, that only makes her cry harder. She's only vaguely aware of the fact that she's crying as she stares the healer on the screen. She looks _so_ much like her mother, and yet she looks _nothing_ like her at the same time. _("Eh, all you Blights look the same, don't you? If you let your hair stay its natural color you'd stick out amongst them. Ha. I'm sure Odalia would just love that, huh?")_ Eda's words never rung as true as they do now to the witchling, because Elara was essentially her mother -if she was actually a decent witch instead of a conniving snake, that is. Except Elara's nose was more of a button than Odalia's pointed one, and her features were all around softer than her mother's. Cataloguing their differences helped to center Amity, a strange amount of tension suddenly leaving her.

Amity leans back against the wall before sliding down it and sinking to a graceless seat on the floor. "I just..." Amity bites down on her tongue and thumps the back of her head against the wall. "There's something I wanted to know, but now I'm seeing it's a childish inquiry, so I think I'm just going to hang up and find a way to get this back to Luz before she realizes it's missing."

_"If that's what you want, little one."_ Instead of anger to Amity's dismissal, Elara's reaction is a smile; one Amity can't remember seeing before. It's small and gentle, but puts this almost ethereal sort of light in her eyes, and Amity finally gets the angel comment Luz made, even if she isn't completely sure what an angel is. There's also this fluttering sensation in her chest caused by the nickname Elara keeps addressing her by. _Little one._ It's nothing like the twins and Eda's nicknames for her. This one's soft and personal and comforting.

Amity's thumb hesitates over the screen; a simple tap and the call would end and Amity could pretend this never happened. Instead of following through with it, Amity curls her hand further around the scroll, and her brow furrows as she peers out at her window across the room from her. It was easier to talk without looking directly at the healer. "Luz is being an idiot..." and here she stops, as the sudden soft laughter carrying over the line startles her. 

_"I'm so sorry, little one,"_ Elara's voice is saying; sounding softly. _"I didn't mean to interrupt you. Go on."_

Amity blinks, but she keeps her gaze out the window. "Right," she clears her throat. "Luz has it in her head that she can ask you to cast protection spells on her without the Clawthorne sisters knowledge."

_"And why, pray tell, does she need protection spells casted on her?"_

Amity rolls her eyes. "She wants to go to some tomb in The Ribs," she scoffs. "One of our professors told her about it, and now she thinks it has all the answers she needs." 

_"I see,"_ Elara hums. There's something peculiar in her tone, and it's enough to draw Amity's attention to her, her gold eyes landing on a pair similar to hers. _"I admit, if there's ever a place to hold answers, The Ribs is bound to be said place."_

Amity frowns, a flare of overprotectiveness warming in her chest. "So you think she should go?"

_"Of course not,"_ Now Elara's frowning at her in an awfully familiar stern, serious way. She resembled her mother more in this moment. _"And since you're so adamant against Luz traveling to The Ribs, I'm gathering you think I can change her mind about it?"_

Amity's frown remains in place. "It sounded like she valued your opinions," she says. "She didn't listen to Eda or Lilith, and Luz is _all about_ Lilith these days." She can't keep the bitterness out of her tone. Even just knowing where Luz is right now digs the knife in her chest just a bit deeper. 

_"Oh,"_ Elara breathes. " _Interesting."_ And before Amity can ask what she found to be so much of an interest to her, Elara carried on. _"My word alone won't be enough to dissuade Luz from her goal, and I'm afraid even if Lilith and Eda are made aware of the situation it still won't deter Luz."_

Amity glares down at her. "What is so important she needs to endanger herself like this? A _curse_?" Amity feels a snarl curl the corner of her lip upwards. "Aren't you the best healer on the Isles? Shouldn't it be a breeze for you to cure their curse?" _Maybe mother's right; maybe you are a hack. Like all the rest of the Blights._

Elara gives Amity her best unimpressed look. _"Curses are tricky things,"_ she cautions, tapping her chin as she took a second to gather her thoughts. _"They're all different in terms of their ailments, which means their cure is also different, and without the original copy of the curse Lilith used to cast on her sister, a cure can't safely be crafted."_ A pause as she shrugs. _"Believe me, little one, I'd heal them in a heartbeat if I were capable of it, but without the scroll it's useless to even attempt it."_

Amity ponders over her words for a moment. "So it's not a cure we should be looking for, but the scroll?" She questions, lifting a brow skyward. "Doesn't Lilith still have it?"

_"I'm afraid not,"_ Elara shakes her head. _"Lilith said it incinerated into ashes in her hands the second she uttered the last word."_

"So it's just _gone_?" _Of course._

_"Maybe,"_ Elara hums. _"Or maybe it was called back to whoever Lilith bought the curse from."_

Amity ran a hand down her face. "We're basically back to Luz arguing with us that The Ribs is the best option for us, and I _really_ don't want to deal with that infuriatingly _smug_ face of hers."

_"That sounds familiar,"_ Elara all but purrs, a smug smile of her own curling her lips. Gone was the image of her mother, and Amity felt a relief flood through her. _"If Luz is serious about going, and won't be deterred by anyone, I know someone who can both cast protections spells on her and keep her safe. Lily dear won't be particularly happy about it, though."_

Amity canted her head. "And who would that be?"

_"My sister."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, I'm realizing I'd forgotten how scrolls work in the show, and I don't think they're actually like cellphones? I've already committed to this, so I'm rolling with it.
> 
> I said to someone Amity was going to cry when she meets Elara. BAM. You're welcome. The kid really does need a hug.


	8. thing called love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one month after fever dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood; self harm. I swear I love Amity. Sorry. Not so happy Elara. Should that be a warning? She's so cheery I feel like it should.

_Buzz. Buzz. Chirp!_

Amity flickers awake; groaning as the light of the sun’s rays hit her in the face _just so._ And then another groan from her as she rolls over and grabs her scroll off her nightstand, her eyelids heavy as she blearily reads the message chittering away on her scroll. 

_Hello, little one. I’m sending Asa on his way to you._

The fog of sleep is abruptly lifted; replacing it a horror as she comes to realize she only has _ten minutes_ to get ready. This, Amity decides, sets the tone of the day not running as smoothly as she might’ve thought. Tackle on the fact Amity fell asleep with her wet hair piled at the top of her head, one can imagine the frustration Amity Blight was experiencing this morning. _Noon,_ actually. She jumps out of bed; something inside her, something very quiet, clicks unhappily, and she feels unsettled, on edge. 

The unintended curls of Amity’s hair flow down her shoulders like a waterfall; it’s a disastrous mess the witchling just _didn’t have the time_ to straighten out. A quick run through with her brush helped a _little_ to smooth out the flyaway, but the sight of the unruly waves still left Amity fretting. She momentarily stalled to consider the option to pull it all back into the hair tie. _If_ said hair tie could be relocated. _By Azura, I swear I just had it in my hand! I don’t have time for this today._

With her hair left to its fate, a toothbrush is shoved in her mouth, a pair of black leggings in hand, with one foot prepped to slide in, when she’s interrupted by the buzz of her scroll. _Don’t tell me it’s already here?! I still have four minutes!_ With that thought, Amity abandons her leggings and leaps onto her bed, body bouncing off slightly, and snatched up her scroll; she swiped her thumb and opened the message. 

_Okay, I lied. He might be a little longer. I’m running a bit behind with a few of my patients and am in need of his assistance._

Amity let out an _oof_ around her toothbrush, quickly typing out her response before setting her scroll down on the bed. Now faced with the knowledge she was granted a bit more time to get ready, Amity felt the familiar sense of foreboding gnawing at the pit of her stomach ease a fraction. She got her legs into the leggings, found some black ankle boots, and dug through her closet for a maroon sweater; then she left her room to finish brushing her teeth in the bathroom just down the hall from her bedroom. A glance in the mirror has her reconsidering leaving her hair as it is.

It was funny, in a bitter way. Because as Amity stares, really _stares_ at the reflection gazing back at her, she’s not all that surprised to see the similarities in her features to that of Elara Rime: the same high cheekbones and button nose and hue of gold in their eyes. When Amity’s thoughts veer towards Luz, her smile is _almost_ identical to the healer’s, except Elara’s soft smiles aren’t anchored down by the expectations the Blight name chains Amity with. All things considered, one could easily mistake them for mother and daughter; their most defining difference being the shade of green in their hairs, Elara’s the Blight’s classic forest green, while Amity’s the dyed mint shade. And, _well._

Hatred reared its ugly head at the thought of _it._

Amity hadn’t _always_ hated it, but she can’t remember what it felt like to ever _not_ feel the doubts and disgust and dread that hit her like waves crashing on the shore when she looks in the mirror and _sees_ that despicable shade of warm brown coming in. Her _father’s_ hair; _not_ a Blight’s. It made her stomach twist itself into knots; the sight of it alone always left Amity feeling _off._ The only reason she can meet the reflection in the mirror today is because her roots had been touched up a few days ago; there’s nary a brunette strand in sight amongst the softly shaded mind locks. 

_“I think it’s time you’ve touched up your roots,”_ uninhibited, the thought filters in. _“Don’t you, Amity dear?”_

 _Oh._ The way her mother phrased it could’ve been interpreted as a mere suggestion to anyone else, a mother’s nurturing nature. That is, anyone _not_ a Blight. With Odalia Blight -with _any_ Blight- it isn’t; never has been. A Blight shouldn’t be seen as anything less than perfect; something as simple as Amity’s roots _-her natural hair color-_ showing is an imperfection Odalia will _not_ tolerate for long. And though Amity doesn’t mind the color -it’s the _one_ occasion her mother’s _ever_ agreed to a compromise with her youngest child- she doesn’t care for the reason behind _why_ she has to dye it. _(“It’s nothing to fret over, Amity dear. It would just so please me if you’d match your siblings. Would you do that for me?”)_

And like the _foolish_ child she was _-still is-_ Amity believed her then, too ensnared by the cunningly sweet tone her mother instilled to realize she was being manipulated. She was a _child_ who just wanted her _mother’s approval._ _Still_ wants it - _even_ _now_ \- when she knows _-oh, she knows-_ the _real_ reason her mother wanted her to dye her hair green. _How_ could she have been _so blind_ as to not see it at the family gatherings, the Blights’ golden hued gazes flicking over her as if she isn’t even in the same room as them; never bothering to acknowledge her existence. An immense sense of loneliness setting in as she watches them fawn over Edric and Emira, wondering what _she_ did so _wrong_ to earn such complete disregard. 

_Why do you hate me? How can I earn your approval?_

_How do I prove I am a Blight to you?_

For sixteen years, Amity has lived with the pressure of striving to be perfect: the perfect student, the perfect witch, the perfect daughter, the perfect _Blight._ Amity’s had to work _so much harder_ than the twins to get where she is now, and in the eyes of her mother...it simply isn’t _enough,_ because Amity isn’t gifted like Edric and Emira -the twins are so, _so_ naturally talented at magic. But _Amity._ Amity had to fight to earn even a _smidge_ of her mother’s praise. Just one little sign Amity’s doing something _right_ for once. 

Because Amity has already _failed_ her. With her _hair._

Because the Blights go as far back as the ages of the first witches, when magic was wild and free; a time when superstitions were so ingrained in the lives of the nine families they saw them as _law._ One such is the age old tale that if a mother’s first carriage isn’t to a set of _twins_ ...well, the child is slaughtered and the family’s ties to the Blight name are severed in an instant. Because twins are _always_ the firstborn children, whether the mother herself is a Blight, or her chosen spouse is; there were _no_ exceptions to this. Another, a Blight isn’t to be born with their other parent’s coloring, and if they are, they’re seen as nothing more than a cheap knockoff among a room of originals; inheriting the distinct Blight coloring meant inheriting the power of one’s ancestors. To her family, _Amity’s_ nothing more than a cheap knockoff. And maybe they’re right, because she certainly hasn’t proven them wrong yet. 

_“I think it’s time you’ve touched up your roots. Don’t you, Amity dear?”_

Amity abandoned any thoughts of touching her hair and darted out of the bathroom. She arrives back to her room to find several new notifications lighting up her scroll. One is from her mother, informing her she’s taken the twins to be fitted for their formal wear to next week's gala and won’t be back till later in the evening. _Explains why they didn’t come storming into my room to wake me up._ The other has her feeling an odd sort of way. 

_I hope you’re a fan of chocolate; nothing quite settles the nerves like a sweet treat!_

Amity just _stares_ at the screen, considering her response for a minute. With a Blight, such common courtesy _always_ came with a price, but was the renowned healer _that_ sort of Blight? Amity chose to simply not respond, locking her scroll and placing it in the bag she swings over her shoulder. She strolls over to her bed and reaches under her pillow to grab the healer’s scroll, tossing that into the bag as well before giving the room a last minute sweep to be certain she has everything she needs; then Amity is out the door. 

Her hurried pace has her halfway down the grand hall when something catches her attention out of the corner of her eye. She stalls, her hands tightening around the strap of her bag. _Don’t do it, Amity. Today’s the day you won’t look._ But, like always, she’s powerless to stop herself.

She _looks._

Amity met the golden hued eyes of her mother, mocking her in the way her lips curl in a smile fit for a snake, from the family portrait hung proudly on the wall in the grand hall of Blight Manor. She embodied everything Amity couldn’t be; what she _wanted_ to be once upon a time. Proud, arrogant, dismissive, self-serving. A _Blight._ Beside her, her husband stood as impassive as a statue, and Amity felt a stirring of resentment and bitterness in her chest at the sight of him. Because _why_ couldn’t he _care_ about his children? Why did Amity have to inherit his coloring?

Why was everything Amity did _wrong_ in her mother’s eyes?

Why was _Amity_ wrong?

Amity kept her gaze solidly fixed on the portrait, years of pent-up indignation and hatred coursing hot, almost toxically, through her veins. _Will I never be good enough for you? Do you even love me?_

_“I think it’s time you’ve touched up your roots. Don’t you, Amity dear?”_

_“Of course, mother.”_

The vibrations at the bottom of her bag jolted her out of her head; Amity breathed in sharply, trying to reign in her emotions. _Emotions are a weakness, Amity; a Blight isn’t weak._ A creeping deadness in her chest blooms and infects the rest of her, pumping cold poison into her bloodstream in sync with the rhythm of her heartbeat. All the viscous searing of her emotions are frozen over and a neutral expression flits over Amity’s face. They’ll be back, _Amity knows_ , so she scurries away before they can swallow her whole, the buzz of her scroll grounding her, reminding her what she has to do today. _Who_ she has to face. 

There’s Luz, _of course_ , and her idiotic need to play savior to everyone, even to those who don’t deserve her selfless kindness; then there’s the whole spiel with the healer. Amity doesn’t like that Luz doesn’t realize what Blights are capable of, and at first glance, Elara Rime seemingly appears to be as sincere as she depicts herself, but she’s _still a Blight_. And Blights are notoriously known for their painted smiles and false senses of securities. _Snakes. All of them._ Amity isn’t dumb enough to trust her yet. _If ever._

Amity knows firsthand how it feels to have one’s privacy invaded, and though it went against everything she stood for, the witchling let the side of her that _is_ her mother surface, let the Blight in her research late into the night on anything she could find on the Rimes. _Any dirt. (“Everyone has skeletons in their closets, Amity dear. Secrets to expose. Weaknesses to exploit. No one is infallible; one just needs to know where to look.”)_ All she needed was a piece of proof Elara Rime could not be trusted with Luz. 

And, _well._

Amity can’t say if it’s frustration or bafflement she felt when she found _nothing_ ; either the Rimes are influential enough to cover up their transgressions, or - _for once_ \- those that carry Blight blood in them are actual, genuine people. Amity doesn’t know for certain, but what she _does_ know is the Rimes are a family of seven, consisting of a mother, father, and their five daughters. The mother, once known as Primrose Blight, owns a bookshop with her husband, Joseph Rime, here in Bonesborough; surprisingly, Amity’s never been, though _The Blooming Rose_ was fairly well known. Amity tried looking up to see what branch of family she hailed from; unsurprisingly, her existence has been erased from the family history.

Nothing showcased where Primrose lies magically, if she’s a gifted caster or average at best; Amity’s leaning towards average. _No one owns a bookshop unless they’re weak._ Her children, on the other hand... _well,_ Amity’s curious nature is further piqued as to why her mother lies her hate squarely on Elara when _Primrose_ is the one Amity would find fault with if she cared enough about the Blight reputation. 

Primrose _Rime_ gave birth to _two_ sets of twins. Two _powerful_ sets of twins. Elara and her sister, Mira, are the eldest, and are by far the most powerful in the family. Elara is considered a prodigy healer on the Isles, her knowledge and prowess vastly superior to those in her profession. There are over a thousand clinics in her name, several hundred apprentice healers studying under her, and though all of her students have proven under her tutelage to be quite gifted in the field, they’re still nothing compared to Elara herself. An article even stated Elara’s magical reserves were _so_ astronomical she could heal the _Titan_ itself and _still_ have magic to spare. Aside from her questionable healing practices, Amity found no trace of malpractice or fraud amongst the articles practically singing sonnets of Elara’s accomplishments. _No one’s infallible, but she seems pretty faultless to me._

The same could not be said about Mira Rime, Elara’s opposite in every sense of the word. Elara’s chosen path led her to heal others, while Mira Rime’s led her to _break_ others; if any of the Rime’s catered to the possibility of dirt on their person, it was bound to be Mira, but it was solely due to her position rather than actual choice. As a member of the High Council -okay, scratch that earlier thought, _t_ _his_ is who Odalia should hate- Amity could already surmise the other Rime twin was exceedingly powerful, because one _had_ to be in order to win Belos’ favor. Mira is an illusionist on a whole other level to any that has _ever existed_ ; no one’s _ever_ seen her scribe a spell circle, and her most powerful spell is lethal enough to _leave anyone within a ten kilometer radius of her brain dead._

Amity’s not so confident that’s someone she’d want traveling with Luz in The Ribs or not. On the one hand, Luz would assuredly be _safe_ from outside threats; on the other, she’d be dead in seconds to a threat _she_ _didn’t see coming._

Though all of the High Council’s roles and missions are classified and its members files locked down tight enough not even Amity’s parents have access to them, it hasn’t completely hidden what the High Council deals in; what they’re capable of unleashing on Belos’ command. _Mira has a scarily impressive body count on her. Funny how one twin saves lives, while the other destroys lives._

Amity had to pause. Didn’t Eda once consider herself the most powerful witch on the Isles? With the full extent of her magic backing her, could Eda take on Mira and _win?_

Amity also found something of interest on the first set of Rime twins. A similar pattern is followed in various reports, stating one shouldn't look them in their eyes if you value your life. The healer’s a creepy _knowing you from the inside out_ ; Mira’s a surefire way to _be dead where you stand_. 

_Is there something special about their eyes? Or is it just paranoia born out of fear of such powerful witches?_

The other set of twins, born two years after Elara and Mira, are certainly gifted witches in their own rights, but they’re nowhere near the same league as their elder siblings. One followed Elara’s path as a healer, working alongside her sister at her clinics and teaching apprentice witches her sister’s way. If anyone comes a smidge close to Elara’s expertise in the field, it’s her little sister Poppy. _I wonder if she feels like she’ll never compare to her sister?_ To think Poppy was confident enough to follow the same path as a sister she’ll never catch up to; brave enough to stand against the judgement she must face daily. _Or she’s just stupid._ Poppy has a wife and two daughters; Amity glosses over them. 

The other, Emilia, joined the Emperor’s Coven, and rose through the ranks as fast as lightning to become a commander at the southern border. Before Lilith’s rise to head of the coven, Emilia had been on a squadron with Amity’s ex-mentor, serving as her lieutenant. If Amity had been the Emperor she’d have chosen Emilia over Lilith as her left hand. _I suppose cursing your sister earns you brownie points, huh._ Emilia has a husband, two sons, and one daughter; again, Amity glosses over them.

Which leaves the youngest of the Rime children; not much is there on Serene Rime, as she’s the same age as Amity. Amity had to resort to penstagram to learn anything about her; she attends St. Epiderm, just as her sisters before her had. She’s bright, friendly, and apparently very popular amongst her peers. Amity had to click away before she torched her scroll. _Aside from_ _Mira, are all the Rimes seemingly friendly faces?_

To recap, Amity hadn’t found anything of suspicious nature with the Rime family, and she’s still confused as to why her mother has placed her ire solely on Elara, because _Primrose_ gave birth to perfect Blights. _All_ of her children inherited the Blight’s distinct coloring and power, even her children’s children are perfect. And next to Mira, Elara doesn’t compare in terms of raw magical ability. Realistically, if it was about who was the better witch her mother was having an issue with, _Mira_ ought to be the one she despised. She’s on the _High Council,_ for Titan’s sake. A position the Blights would _kill_ for. 

_Is it personal then?_ Amity wonders. _Did something happen in their younger years that’s carried over into their adult one?_

Amity’s still pondering it over as she takes the grand staircase two steps at a time, arriving at the last step just as the sound of careful taps echoes in the silence of the manor. She halts the servant she spies out the corner of her eye with a wave of her hand, making her way to the door and swiftly exiting before anyone can see what’s on the other side. The last thing Amity needed was her mother finding out that what she considered to be a pest was anywhere near the manor. 

The soft _click_ of the door was the nail in the coffin, so to speak. A swell of dread threatens to drown Amity; there’s a sudden realization that she’s _actually_ plotting behind Luz’s back. She’s essentially betraying the human she’s come to love more than anyone. _What am I doing?_ Amity has half a second of reconsideration briefly flash through her mind. _What if this is it? One false move and I’ll lose Luz for good. But shouldn’t it be worth it if it keeps her safe?_ It all grinds to a stuttering halt when she turns around and comes face-to-face with Elara Rime’s palisman. 

_Snakes. All of them._ The thought was beyond unsettling so Amity refused to dwell on it. _Why am I not surprised it’s a snake,_ she thought, her eyes as wide as saucers as she locks gazes with the cobra calmly peering back at her. Unlike her mother’s - _a snake, of course_ \- that lies dormant and quiet, Elara’s palisman remains animated - _even now_ \- its body coiled around the smooth, dark wood of her staff. _(“Unfortunately, I can’t enter Bonesborough without my presence being detected by the Clawthornes, but if you don’t mind traveling by staff, Asa’s perfectly capable of bringing you to Knetwell around noon.”)_ Amity had agreed to this; she was regretting it now. 

The palisman flicked its tongue at her. Even without touching it, Amity can feel the thrum of the magic Elara has infused within it, and as it shifts and hisses at her, Amity notes how eager it is to return to its mistress. Besides Owlbert and Eda, Amity’s never caught such a bond between a palisman and their witch. _She called it a he, didn’t she? And she gave it a name._

Amity’s hand reaches out. She hesitates. It’s not the staff itself; she’s traveled on her parents’ alone before, and she knows it will be in full control of their flight. So no, it’s not potentially falling to her death that’s halting her; it’s that she is indirectly placing her _trust_ in a _stranger_ , someone she _doesn’t want to trust_ in the first place. Amity’s going to meet someone she’s only talked to for a few hours at her home in Knetwell. A _Blight._ A Blight with a _sister_ on the _High Council._ And _not a single person_ has been made aware of it. _I could very well die today...and no one would know. How long until my parents start questioning my whereabouts? Would they even look for me?_

_Well, when you put it like that…_

But it’s for _Luz._

_//_

“It’s _here._ It _has_ to be here!”

It was with a depleting sort of patience that Eda lifted the couch cushions up and tossed them aside to spare a lackluster look within its depths. It’s the _fifth_ time; she isn’t all that shocked to find _nothing_ has changed since Luz asked her to check _two minutes ago._ _Unsuccessful again_ , Eda huffed, replacing the cushions haphazardly. She was too worn down to bother straightening them, which was probably for the best, as Luz nosedived at the cushions the second they were reintroduced to the couch, half of her body disappearing under them. 

Eda spared herself a moment to snort at the sight of the kid wiggling around. Luz was surprisingly springy for someone ready to keel over into dreamland. Or dreamless land, _whatever._ Eda was much too grumpy for semantics this morning, saving those for Lilith, who was bound to be just as ill-tempered as Eda by now. 

“Kid,” Eda scrubs a hand over her face. “You gotta tell me _what_ I’m looking for ‘cause I’m running on fumes here.” 

Her words fell on deaf ears as Luz pops out of the cushions like a weasel, twisting around so her upper-body drops to the floor to search underneath the couch. “It’s here. I know it’s here,” is repeatedly tumbling from her lips. Sometimes in English; sometimes in Spanish. 

So Eda grits her teeth and moves over to the kitchen to make herself something strong enough to keep her awake until Luz's lost item is found. A very loud part of her just wants to go to bed, but the vast majority of her won’t rest until she’s aided her kid, even if her patience is wearing thin on the whole matter. _How does she expect me to find something if I don’t even know what I’m looking for?_ The house was in shambles, every square inch torn apart, but there still hasn’t been any sign of it. What she wouldn’t give to return to her nap. _From_ _yesterday._

“Edalyn?” asked Lilith, her voice smokier than usual beneath the layers of exhaustion. She was hunched over the breakfast table, arms pulled over her head like a shield. “Has she found it yet?” 

“No,” Eda whined, flouncing over to give her sister a couple firm slaps on the back. It was hard enough to make Lilith buckle in her seat, her hands shooting out to grip the table. Then Eda slung her arms over Lilith’s shoulders, resting her chin on the top of her sister’s head. “Please tell me you have an idea of what it is, Lily, ‘cause I’m dying here.”

Lilith snorted, ducking and moving her head to the side so Eda’s chin dropped onto her shoulder. “If I knew,” she drawled, hand reaching up to tug on the locks of her sister’s hair that spilled over her. “I’d have used a locator spell already.” She paused, sighing. “She needs to sleep, Edalyn. It’s harder for her to stay in control when she’s tired like this.”

Eda mulled it over. “I know,” she said. “But she won’t rest until she finds it.” She snorts. “Must be top secret if _you_ don’t even know about it.”

Lilith froze, like a shameful secret had been exposed. Which was completely opposite of the truth, since all of her secrets have long been revealed. At least, Eda _hopes_ there aren’t any more life altering secrets Lilith’s still carrying around with her. 

So Eda hums, waiting for an answer, even as shaky hands push her away. _Too soon_ , Eda thought as a wounded Lilith shoves the chair back and rounds the table to create some distance between the sisters. Those same trembling hands rake through the tousled curls of her hair. “I know,” she mutters, more to herself than Eda. “What could she want to hide from us though? From _me_?”

Eda’s brows lift, realizing it’s not her who has hurt her sister. It’s _Luz._ Oh, how the tables have turned. “She’s a teenager, Lily,” she tries to console her sister, plopping down in Lilith’s previously occupied chair. “It’s practically ingrained in them to keep secrets. Remember when I wouldn’t tell you who I was crushing on for an entire year? This is perfectly normal.” 

“You’re joking,” Lilith rounds on her, an unimpressed look on her features. “You think Luz is on the warpath because of some _crush?_ That is the most ridi-” She stops, her eyes widening. “You don’t think it’s…”

Eda leans back in the chair, amused. “Think it’s what?” _Oh, this is got to be good._

Lilith opens her mouth. Closes it. A flush erupts on her cheeks; then she scowls. “You know,” she vaguely gestures with a hand, as if Eda could understand her. 

“No, Lily, I don’t know,” Eda says with a gleeful smile. “You’re going to have to spell it out for me.” 

“You are so-” Lilith cut herself off with a sigh, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose; Eda has to hide her smirk in the palm of her hand. Her sister was just _too cute_ when she’s frustrated. “Something _intimate_ ,” she grits out, aware of her sister’s enjoyment of her mounting embarrassment. “You _know_.”

 _“Oh,”_ Eda snorts. “So, what are we thinking? A disgustingly sweet note? A poem singing sonnets of their love?” She raises an eyebrow. “Or do you think it’s something more _adult?_ Maybe a raunchy picture? A _gift?_ ”

At first, Lilith’s unimpressed look deepened to an annoyed glower with each utterance of her sister’s words; then her face scrunched up like she just licked something sour. “Edalyn. _Must you?_ ” Her fingers twitched at her side. “This is _not_ something I want to think about. She is still a _child_.”

“Hey, _you’re_ the one who suggested it,” Eda retorts, a salacious smile on her face. 

“That’s _not_ what I meant!” 

“Then what _did_ you mean?”

“Please stop,” Lilith buries her face in her hands, her words muffled. “It’s much _too_ early for you to be _you_.”

But Eda was only just getting started. “Ah, come on, Lily, you can handle a little chat about _sex_ ,” she basked in the deepening red on her sister’s cheeks. “Luz isn’t much older than I was when I lost my virginity. You couldn’t have been either. _Unless_.”

Lilith fidgeted, hands lowering. “Unless _what?_ ”

A sly grin crossed red lips. “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin, sister dear,” at that, she tapped her chin with a forefinger and pretended to fall into deep thought. “It _would_ explain a few things about you. _Oh_ ,” she snickered. “I could name a few people who’d be delighted to be the first to defile you. _Ha_.”

Lilith didn’t react the way Eda expected her to. She didn’t simmer in her embarrassment, flushed to the tips of her ears. Not one bit, and the reaction she _did_ receive from her sister had Eda’s heart plummeting in her chest, because Lilith looked _forlorn._ _Rejected._ Like something - _or someone_ \- had _broken_ a part of her sister.

Lilith struggled to find her words. “It’s compl-no, I’m- It’s just…” in the end, she settled for, “No, I’m not a virgin,” she tugs on a sleeve of her sweater, shoulders slumping with a weary sigh. “I just can’t-”

She doesn’t let her sister finish that sentence; the cursed form _howls_ , and Eda is out of her chair in a flash, wrapping her sister up in a bone-crushing hug, squeezing as much love and reassurance as she can into it as she knocks their foreheads together. “You don’t gotta defend yourself here with me,” she breathes out. “I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean to pry on your intimate life.”

“As if,” Lilith scoffs, fingers fidgeting with the sweater Eda favors to sleep in. “You’re _always_ prying, Edalyn.”

“Okay, yes,” Eda agrees. “But not when it’s such a sore subject.”

Lilith’s quiet. “It’s fine,” She says after a beat, though it sounds rushed and forced. She slowly withdraws from Eda; her expression hardens, the ice in her eyes cold enough to _burn_. “If what Luz is looking for _is_ in that nature, then whoever gave it to her is as good as _dead_.”

The rumble in her throat was all Eda needed to know her sister wasn’t joking, and she felt the cursed form respond to it, its claws scraping on the bars of its cage to defend its owlet from an outside threat. 

“Oh, sister,” She bared her teeth. “I couldn’t agree more.”

That’s when Luz came scampering into the kitchen, a sleeping King on top of her head and one of the couch’s cushions squished in her arms. “Guys,” she says, frantic. “I need to call Elara. _I need to call her right now_.” Then Luz frowns at the sisters.

The color has drained from Lilith’s face, her eyes wide, while Eda turns thoughtful, a look of _I get it_ on her face as she nods her head.

“What?” Luz asks, blinking. “Did I say something wrong?” 

//

It’s for Luz, _yes_ ; yet Amity wants to _turn around_ from the moment her feet land lightly on the pavement. _I can’t do this._ It’s making her antsy, just the mere thought of being alone with the healer on the other side of the door. _What if it’s true what mother says about her?_ She clutches the staff close to her chest, Asa uncoiling from around it to slink down onto her shoulder, his tongue flicking at her cheek. His head swivels to and fro, restless on her shoulder as he peers behind her; whether it’s to the call of his mistress’ magic stirring him, or a different matter entirely, Amity can’t say. 

_I can’t do this._ This was stupid; Amity can’t go through with it. Her chest is throbbing now, a dull roaring pain that sits on her lungs and keeps her from breathing too deeply, keeps her from regulating it to calm her racing thoughts. She sets the staff next to the door; she tries -emphasis on _tries_ \- to lift the palisman from her shoulder. It’s as if he were psychic; he’s coiled the length of his body around the witchling’s neck, tightening just enough to make it exceedingly difficult for Amity to remove him. He’s hissing straight into her ear what sounds like a warning, but Amity isn’t _listening._

The hissing grows louder, no longer in her ear but-

An arm snakes around Amity’s waist from behind, pinning her arms at her side, as a firm body collides with her, the scent of roses and lavender clinging to them. Amity fought the hold, wiggling enough to loosen their grip so she could drive an elbow into their gut. They don’t even flinch, hefting her up like she weighed nothing. She was flipped over, her back slamming with a resounding _thud_ against the wood of the door, and Amity’s distorted vision latched onto the visage of… _I knew it._

_Elara Rime._

Asa hisses and lunges at his mistress, but he’s thwarted by a blur of motion that Amity can’t decipher; whatever it is connects with him and all Amity can hear is the sound of scuffling on the pavement somewhere beneath her. _Is he okay?_ She can’t see past the hand hooked around her neck, nails bearing down hard enough Amity has to tip her chin up to get air into her lungs. 

The healer wasn’t pinning her anymore, but Amity was paralyzed nonetheless. _My arms. I can’t move my arms._ They lied limp at her sides, unresponsive to her commands. _Why can’t I move my arms?_ Was it a binding spell? _No way. There’s no way she casted!_

Elara trilled. _Gone_ was the warmth. Her eyes are chilly and hard, a deep and frigid cold that cuts across any icy wasteland of emotion. “What an impudent, little Blight,” her lips curl into a sneer; her voice almost toneless, dead. “Does anyone know you’re here?”

A searing pain flared at the back of Amity’s head, stars bursting behind her eyelids as a wounded sounding keen is blocked by the hand pressing down on her throat. _No._ The word was anguished in her mind, denial trying to shut out all her other emotions, and she was falling, spinning, crying, screaming inwardly, all at once. She’s vaguely aware of the healer’s voice trying to penetrate the cries of denial, and another sharp, searing pain shot through her skull. 

Amity’s agonized cry pleased the healer, her smile as sharp as knives. “It’s fine if so, little Blight,” she tilts her head. “I’ll return you as a warning to the others to not to mess with what’s _mine_.”

The scream never rose past her throat. The pain in her head bloomed white hot, reaching a level so _intense_ -she _can’t_. A sudden lack of coherent thought; all she can do is slam _her own head_ back against the door, _repeatedly_ , because that seemed infinitely better than _this_. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth, some part of her registering that she’s bitten her tongue. _Please_ , she begs. _Please, make it stop. Someone help me!_

She can’t pull in air. _It hurts. It hurts. Mom!_ She’s gasping, trying to get her lungs to start working again. _Please._ But she can’t breathe past the sheer agony. _HELP ME!_

 _“Amity!”_ Someone _howls._

And at that moment, all faded to black, and Amity knew no more. 

//

“Depends, kid,” Eda nodded absently; she didn’t elaborate further though. Lilith looked ready to faint on her, and Eda took a subtle step closer to her sister to catch her if she succumbs to it. “Want to run by us why you need to call shortstack?”

Luz hugged the cushion closer to her. “It’s private,” she mutters, her eyes averted from them, constantly ping-ponging around the room. “ _Please_ , Eda? It’ll only take a second, I promise.”

Eda covered her sister’s sudden, uncharacteristic weakness in her knees by letting her hand splay out on Lilith’s lower back, anchoring her long enough for her sister to safely slump back into a chair. “And _why_ do you need it to be private exactly?” She asserts, keeping her sights on Lilith out of the corner of her eye. She was still so pale, her eyes glued to the ground. _Honestly, Lily. It can’t be. Elara’s too googly eyed over you._

Luz tipped her head up to look her in the eyes, and she took on a grumpy expression that was so damn cute Eda wanted to laugh. Instead, she kept her face as neutral as possible. “It’s important, okay? Just, _please_ , let me call her. I just need to make sure of something.” Luz said with a hint of pleading in her voice. 

“Does it have to do with what’s missing?” Asked Lilith casually. At least, she _tried_ to come off as casual, but the creeping of ice in her voice in response to Luz’s pleading one singled her intention out. The _does she know your secret_ went left unsaid. 

Pursing her lips, Luz chose to say nothing. 

Then they all remained in silence, the only sound their breathing and King’s soft snores from his perch on Luz’s head. Tension rose between them, Eda could feel it creeping into her muscles, tightening them almost painfully. _Okay, enough of this._

“Kid, I gotta ask, and I won’t be mad at your answer,” Eda finally said. She rested her hand on her sister’s back, under the fall of her soft, dark hair. She felt Lilith shudder at the contact and began kneading the muscles under her fingertips. “But, uh, does your lost item...maybe _might_ have… something, I don’t know, _intimate_ evolved around it?” 

“Intimate?” Luz repeated, mouthing the word several times as she’s momentarily confused. It clicks after a second; then she reeled on them, a look of horror twisting her features. _“NO!”_ She screeched, snapping King awake from his nap at the shrill sound of her voice. “I-” she choked on air, shaking her head frantically. “It’s _not_ like that! Why would you- _no_ , I _don’t_ want to know!”

"Well, _what_ else are we supposed to think, kid?!"

 _"Not that!"_ Cried Luz, still so horrified. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Elara's pretty. _Very_ pretty. But it's an appreciative kind of pretty for me, not an attractive one! _Jeez_ , Eda."

“Oh, _thank_ the Titan,” Lilith muttered low enough for only Eda to hear, and she rests her forehead in the palm of her hand, shoulders sagging; while Eda wanted to cackle at the absurdity of it all. Then Lilith spoke louder, “Then why can’t we know what you need to discuss with her? You know the Orbuculum isn’t a secure channel.”

“I know,” said Luz, eyeing Lilith strangely. She frowned. “I just need to see her face, okay?”

Eda tilted her head. “Kid, _what_ aren’t you telling us?” _Yeesh, what is with this family and secrets?_

“I-” Luz opened her mouth only to snap it close. Her gaze dipped down, uncertainty flickered across her face. “Do you know abou- _no_.” She snapped her mouth close again. “Actually, forget I said anything. I’m going to go clean up my mess, bye!” The words were rushed, like the teenager herself as she made a mad dash out of the kitchen; King barely holding onto her. 

Eda watched her go, a frown on her lips. “Okay, she’s definitely hiding something from us.” She turned to face her sister. “On the bright side, it’s not a secret love affair with a woman older than her.” She chirped in good cheer. “Shame it couldn’t have been _that_ kind of picture. _Eh,_ Lily?”

“All you need to do is ask, Edalyn. I’m sure Elara would give you one,” Lilith muttered distractedly, her eyes locked on the doorway. “Something is telling me we shouldn’t let Luz out of our sights today.”

 _I meant for you, you idiot, but can’t say I wouldn’t turn one down._ Eda put her hands on her hips and cocked her head in the direction of the doorway. “Think she’s up to something, huh?” _We’ll discuss your love life later, Lily. Kid comes first._

“You don’t find it a little suspicious she gave up so easily?” Lilith raised an eyebrow. “After keeping us up all night looking for whatever it is that clearly Elara knows about, just to stop when we start questioning her? Doesn’t add up when it comes to Luz.”

“Guess you’re right,” said Eda, shrugging. “What do you want to do?”

Lilith sighed, raking a hand through her hair. “Shifts?” She questioned, rising from the chair. “You’re exhausted, Edalyn. I’ll take the first one.”

“You sure, Lily? You look pretty dead on your feet to me,” Eda replied, her eyes raking over her sister’s profile. The deep set bags under her sister’s eyes were darker, and her face was drawn tight in exhaustion. Everything about Lilith screamed _let me sleep_. “I can take the first one if you want some shut-eye.”

“I’m fine, Edalyn,” Lilith said with a faint smile, though Eda wasn’t buying it in the slightest. “I’ll tackle Luz’s mess and get her into bed before she starts thinking that couch cushion is King again.” 

“Fine,” Eda relented. “But I better not hear you complaining about it in a few hours.”

Lilith smirked. “Duly noted.”

//

“Amity? Amity! Little one, _please._ ”

“It’s far too late. The spell-”

_“Don’t.”_

Everything was pitch black. There’s a wordless _snarl_ in her ear that cuts off as the voices amplified and faded on the edges of Amity’s awareness. Familiarity nagged at her, but she struggled to place a name with the sounds. She thought she was dead until a burning, grating ringing in her ears told her she was still alive. It was white noise edged with an encroaching pain as she tipped in and out of consciousness. 

“Healing her will only harm _you_ in the process, Elara.”

“ _I don’t care._ She’s just a _child,_ Mira!”

 _Wha_ … Amity’s head rolled back on her neck as she’s lifted into a pair of arms, eyelids fluttering out of sync with the subtle shifting of her body. Whoever held her had one arm hooked under the bend of her knees; the other behind her shoulders, her head instinctively gravitating to a warm shoulder to rest on. They were nervous, she noted, their grip on her trembling as they tightened their hold on her. They were scared for some reason, but Amity’s thoughts were too scattered for her to determine said reason _why_. 

“A child has attempted to _kill_ you before! A _Blight_ at that. _Let. Her. Die._ ”

_“No.”_

The familiar, frantic voice pulled Amity back. Her eyes blinked open, then slammed close as a bright light stabbed through her retinas. “Mom?” The word was thick on her tongue, and Amity wasn’t sure she spoke it aloud, but there’s a misstep from the one holding her, a sharp inhale resounding in Amity’s skull. “Mom...it hurts... _it hurts._ ”

“... _Amity?_ ” 

“ _Mom_. Help me...make it stop... _I’m sorry._ ”

The steps quickened, their voice a constant reassurance in her ear. Up until Amity felt a fresh jolt of pain as her head was jostled, a soft _sorry_ uttered in her ear. As careful as they tried to be to deposit her on the soft surface, nevertheless, her eyes rolled back and a brief wave of vertigo washed over her. Stiffly, she rolled onto her side, struggling to get her bearings back. She pulsed with pain, a throbbing in the back of her head that radiated across her forehead and down her jaw, and her thoughts wouldn’t line up like they should. 

“Easy, little one,” was softly hummed. A careful hand is placed behind the back of her head; it’s warm and probing in a gentle, knowledgeable way. The pain, soothed by the gentle press of fingers against her scalp, distracts Amity as she shudders into the affections. “Just take deep, even breaths for me; I’ll handle the rest.” There is something tender in the voice; Amity wants to curl up in a ball within it and never leave. 

“ _Elara,_ ” a static of cold, vicious magic surges in the air. It promises infinite pain, and Amity whimpers under its force. “Don’t be a fool, sister. You _can’t_ heal her.” The voice is jarring; Amity’s instincts scream to flee. She grasps fistfuls of whatever soft material she’s lying on, her hot face pressing into something cold as she settles on her stomach, a groan escaping her. _Get away. I need to get away. RUN._ “You know the dangers of unraveling my spells; they’re _not_ meant to be.”

“So be it, Mira. I’m a _healer_ ; _this_ is what I _do_. Let this be a lesson to you the next time you decide it’s perfectly fine to harm an _innocent_ child in my presence.” A flood of warmth banishes the cold in Amity’s veins, the whole space submersed in an aroma of roses and herbs. “I will not let another child’s life be cut so short. _Not again._ ” The fingers press down at the source of her pain, but instead of blooming white hot under the touch, it’s just _gone._

The pain yielded to a tingling, numbing sensation, and Amity’s mind continued to tread through the murky waters of wakefulness. “Mom?” She whispered as her eyes fluttered open, her vision blurry. 

“Quiet now, little one,” A set of soft, trembling hands encouraged her to roll on her back; one moved to cradle the side of her face, a thumb stroking under her eye. “You’re safe now. I’m here.” A breath shudders in a pause. “Asa? I’m in need of you, darling,” the hand shifted, a cold left in its absence, to prod at the back of her head. “Sleep now, Amity.”

When they tried to _leave_ though, Amity made a quiet sound of protest, suddenly clutching an arm in a vice-like grip. 

“You..” Amity blinked blearily up at the face above her. Her heart sank in her chest; it wasn’t her mother. She knew every faucet and distinguishing feature of Odalia Blight’s eyes, and the pair gazing down at her shimmered with a _love_ her mother has never graced her with. “You…you saved me. _Why?_ ”

Elara looked like she’d been slugged in the gut. “Oh, Amity,” her voice is still _so_ soft, her smile sympathetic and _understanding._

She was a vision, the very embodiment of a healing aura; so _unlike_ before. When there was _pain_. The braided tresses of forest green hair swimming in her memories were gone; it now fell in soft waves. Amity realized even the lengths were different, because it'd been much longer before, but now the ends of the hair just brushed the collarbone. She was no longer shrouded in dark colors, the black sweater and dark pants and leather boots switched for a cream blouse layered atop a maroon, lace up suspender skirt. _Wait, that’s..._

 _...blood_. Amity’s eyes looked at the blotches of crimson staining the healer’s cream blouse. _Is that my blood?_ Amity reached out to touch, and the healer caught her wrist in a gentle grip, lowering it back down on the... _bed_ , she realized. _I’m on a bed._

Reality settled in. Her vision focused. Then she _remembers._

 _...one twin saves lives, while the other-_ Amity’s head swivels. 

_Mira Rime._ Standing stock-still and wordless in the doorway, watching her sister warily and appearing afraid to enter the room. _No,_ not afraid. She _can’t._ A protection spell was casted over them, Amity realized, the mauve orb keeping the other Rime twin from interfering with the healer, but Amity still recoiled, or tried to, but Elara’s careful hold on her kept her firmly in place. Her eyes still lacked any warmth, though a play of despair and guilt and anguish flitted in the gold of her irises. 

The same face as the healer stood before her, but Amity couldn’t see a speck of similarities between the twins. 

Mira’s eyes bore a cold, empty stare; Elara’s a familiar liquid warmth and soft reassurance Amity didn’t know she needed until it was suddenly gone. If she smiled, Mira’s was as sharp as knives; Elara’s smile was far more potent in person, so soft and _real_ Amity can’t possibly understand how the Blight in her doesn’t temper its radiance. Amity can’t feel Mira’s magical signature with the orb preventing its entry, but she remembers the _cold_ of it; Elara’s weighed down on Amity like a heated blanket, her eyelids drooping under its lulling effect, but she can’t sleep yet. 

“Do you feel any more pain, little one?” Despite the subtle pinch in her features, the softness never left Elara’s tone. “Do you remember what happened?”

“ _Yes_. N-no-” Amity said, brow furrowing, her head tilting back slightly. Her thoughts were still scattered. “My head feels...are _you_ okay?” _You look sick_ is what she wanted to say, but the words get jumbled on her tongue. Her entire head still felt fuzzy; her emotions sedated under the effects of Elara’s magic. 

“Just breathe for me,” said Elara, running her fingers around Amity’s skull. “You’ve suffered from blunt force trauma, alongside an illusionist’s spell designed to make the brain feel a pain so intense... _hm,_ I don’t think you want to know the gory details.” It was a clinical assessment, but Elara had a talent for delivering the news as if she were discussing something as simple as the weather. “My magic is still healing the last of it; sleep would be preferable, as any further stimuli could tamper with the healing.” 

Amity shuddered, her eyelids growing heavy. “That wasn’t _real?_ ” She slurred. 

“Sleep now, my love,” was the last thing Amity heard. Something slithered next to her cheek, a soft hum letting sleep claim her in its entirety. She welcomed the dark. 

//

Luz’s eyes traveled around her room.

Her skin was crawling, a cacophony of voices snarling in her head. She felt hyperaware and lethargic at the same time. She sighs and moves closer until she has her head pillowed on Lilith’s shoulder, with her heated forehead pressing against the cool, smooth skin of the older woman’s neck and a slender arm wrapping around her in response. She is aware of what Lilith’s up to, but she can’t say she’s complaining. Hidden agenda or not, Luz Noceda does not turn down cuddles from someone who’s as prickly as a cactus. Bonus points if said cactus-like witch reads her favorite book series to her. _The Great Witch Azura!_

“Azura was down on her knees, the fight in her burnt down to embers,” Lilith’s voice is saying; she sounds like she’s only half-awake. Which is true, and it’s only a few lines into the next page when Lilith slips into a dreamless sleep -Luz _might_ have dosed her tea when she wasn’t looking with one of Elara’s sleep remedies- and her head drops back on the pillow; the book lies opened and facedown on her chest.

“Lilith?” Luz asks in a quiet whisper. No response comes, so Luz carefully extracts the book from Lilith’s hand and closes it, setting it on her nightstand. Next, she slowly moves Lilith’s hand from around her, inching out of the bed. With Luz, the sleep remedies knock her out cold, but the curse tends to overwhelm them for Lilith; no one ever knows when the elder Clawthorne will suddenly awaken. And Luz can’t chance her waking up just yet.

Luckily, Luz is able to leave the bed without waking Lilith. She quietly scoops up her shoes and her bag, tiptoeing out of her room. She’s easing her door closed when a quiet _hoot_ nearly scares the life out of her. A glance down reveals it’s Owlbert; right beside him is Eda’s staff. 

Luz kneels down. “So you already knew, huh?” She keeps her voice hushed, mindful of other occupants sleeping in the house. Occupants that would stop her at all costs. “You know what I’m asking you to do, right?”

Owlbert nods, nudging the staff closer to her; Luz takes in a steady grip, scooping Owlbert up as she rises to her full height. “Let’s do this.”

_I’m sorry, but you left me with no choice._

//

“My dear?”

It’s a soft noise, a tone Mira has never permitted another outside of Elara to hear; most of the time, she melts at the sound of it, utterly blindsided by the sheer amount of love Mira has for her twin when she talks like _that._ Today, it fell on deaf ears. Or maybe she does hear it, _just for a second_ ; then disregards it as background noise. Her attention is solely focused on the witchling resting next to her, the mingling of their body heat a constant reassurance Amity is _alive. Safe._

She places a careful hand on Amity’s neck, fingers tracing the bruises before a small burst of her magic erases them from existence. Even when she sleeps, Amity has a tiny frown on her face, almost cautious. Asa assures her the physical wound on the back of her head is completely healed, not even a scar left, and he tucks himself under Amity’s neck, the magic infused in him repairing the last of the damage of Mira’s spell. 

_If I could save just_ _one_ … Elara’s seen _far worse_ in her lifetime; she has witnessed the ruthless slaughters and the torture and the pleas of _help me_ - _knows_ the maliciousness her sister has mastered in her spells from her own extensive research into the functions of the mind; all in the name of the Emperor. To remain in his good graces so Elara stays out of his clutches for one more day. Elara’s seen it, _yes_ , but her sister has _never_ attacked unprovoked like this; in a sense, she’s still reeling from the shock of her sister attempting to _kill_ a _child_ in cold blood. _And_ with a spell meant to make one _suffer._

It’s _maddening_ , a searing heat that never ceases. It’s _not_ real, though knowing that as fact _doesn’t_ help matters much. Mira’s spell tricks the brain itself into believing the pain is real, and Elara’s never attempted to repair the damage done before, as Mira’s spells were designed with Elara’s healing in mind, and if they can’t be unwound by _Elara’s_ hand, they _can’t be by anyone._ But, _oh_ , the mere sight of Amity’s face contorting in that _oh so_ familiar pain _shattered_ something in Elara, and she could not let her become another victim of Mira’s senseless killing. So instead of wasting her time attempting to heal what she knows she can't, Elara simply shifted the spell upon herself. 

And _what_ was it all for? Because she’s a _Blight?_ If only she could _see_ what Elara has of Amity’s soul. The witchling is so far removed from her Blight heritage, not a speck of the corruption in sight in the depths of her soul. If Elara didn’t know any better, she’d say Amity was a _Rime._

_My fault_ , she closes her eyes. _It’s all my fault this has happened. Again._

“Are you okay, Elara?” 

_I’m sorry_ is laced in the soft noise; Elara doesn’t want it there. _I don’t want to forgive you._ Because it’s not _her_ forgiveness that’s needed here. It’s _Amity’s._ Though, in the end, she _knows_ she’ll forgive her; she _always_ has. Except - _this time_ \- there are repercussions for Mira’s actions, as it’s hitting a little too close to the _one_ person that rivals the bond they share. Mira is her sister, _her twin_ , and they’re intertwined to the other in a way that can’t be replicated with another, but _Lilith_ comes _so_ close that it’s _enough._

 _Oh, Lilith._ All it took was _one_ look; suddenly everyone else was shades of gray, while Lilith’s a kaleidoscope of color. There’s an inherent warmth in being around someone you love in all the ways one can love another, Elara decides. It’s in her voice -in the look in her eyes- that just makes Elara feel so pleasantly warm from the inside out that it makes it easier to live this life of bloodshed and tears and secrets. Eleven-year-old Elara didn’t yet know that someday her life would be turned upside down -all she was certain of then was that Lilith was _it_ ; there could be no other for her- but the Elara of now couldn’t be more appreciative of the flood of dopamine that’s released by the mere thought of the other woman. 

For Lilith, Elara is selfish, which isn’t all that fair to Mira. It is, after all, _her_ fault Mira’s in this life or death situation in the first place. 

_(“When I give the command to your sister, Miss Rime, I want you to save them all. You’re the most powerful healer on the Isles, no? Succeed and you’re both free to walk out of here; fail and you wear my mark and cement your dear Mira’s fate as mine. So what will it be?”)_ She snips the memory in the bud before it can fully bloom behind her eyes, because it isn’t going to do her any favors here. She always says dwelling on the past halts any progress moving forward, and though she stands by it, even Elara has moments where she stumbles on her path, when she realizes it’s starting to wear her down; wondering how much longer she can keep taking it one day at a time. But there are _so_ many on the Isles who _need_ her; _so_ many who are suffering in a way she can’t ever hope to fathom. She _has_ failed many in her life, but she’ll atone their deaths by saving another in their place. Because Elara _can’t save_ them all, but she _won’t lose_ them all. 

“Don’t go silent on me, Elara. I don’t like it.”

Elara rubs her neck; it’s oddly stiff, her fingers brushing the raised skin there. “Mm,” she breathes out before swinging her legs over the side of the bed, wavering slightly. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Mira.” She replies, swaying. Her head was splitting open; Elara pinched the bridge of her nose to abate the pain a little. She almost doesn’t notice it when Mira twitches from her place in the doorway, the need to be closer to her sister not lost on Elara. She couldn’t _not_ notice her sister if she tried; Mira was the _silence_ in a room full of _noise._ And as much as she _ached_ to be as close to her sister as Mira to her, Elara would _not allow her anywhere near Amity._

“My-” Mira stopped and shook her head. “ _Talk_ to me. How bad is the pain? How far have you pushed yourself already today before this little stunt? Let me-”

 _“No.”_ The word stung, not only for Mira, but herself. She releases her nose. “Touch her in any capacity again, and _I swear_ , Mira, I will-” she made to get up, but wavers dangerously. _That_ was a mistake. The room started spinning and a wave of nausea brought her close to losing what little she had in her stomach. Her knees buckle, and in the blink of an eye, Mira stands before her. 

In her lack of concentration, the orb had been dispelled. 

In one fluid motion, Mira slid her hands underneath and around Elara’s body, lifting her up into her arms as if she’ll break if she isn’t careful. “You _did,_ ” Mira hisses, and Elara unconsciously presses her face into her shoulder. “Why bother worrying over the Emperor, when you’re digging your own grave all on your own.”

“I’m _fine_.” Elara was not fine in the slightest. She was light headed and dizzy and every inch of her head was throbbing, but _Amity_ had suffered far worse than her. Will _still_ suffer for it. “Put me down. I can walk on my own.” 

“I’d like to see you try,” instead of following through with her words, Mira cradled her closer. She carried her twin out of the bedroom as quickly as she could manage, mindful of her steps down the stairs lest she wanted to lose her balance and slip the rest of the way down. She brought her into the living room where she carefully hovered her over the leather, wingback chair.

“Here,” Mira said, lowering her down onto the seat and quickly rushed over to the kitchen, the sound of running water grating in Elara’s ears. She pinches the bridge of her nose in another futile attempt to cease the pain hammering away in her head. _Mira certainly does not play around with her spells._

She doesn’t hear her sister’s return, her steps hushed on the floorboards, but her magic gently prods at Elara’s in the familiar way it always has. Mira’s scent clings to the air as she sweeps closer and brackets her arms on either side of Elara, lowering down to look directly at her face. Elara doesn’t need to look to know her sister’s attempting to pick her apart. 

Elara releases her nose and draws her palm under Mira’s jaw. She opens her mouth, but in the same way she knows her sister, Mira knows her. 

_“Don’t.”_ In a flash, Mira reaches for the hand under her jaw, her fingers curling around her sister’s wrist, and shifts closer until she has her forehead pressed against Elara’s. “Don’t say what I think you’re going to say,” she breathes out sharply. “Do you even realize how _scared_ I was? My spells aren’t to be trifled with, Elara. They could very well kill you. _Why would you do that?_ ”

Elara sighs. “I did what I had to,” it’s _a_ truth, though her sister still eyes her with skepticism. “ _I don’t know_ ,” a sort of lie, because she can’t quite put into words what she felt from the moment her eyes caught sight of Amity Blight, but there was the maternal affection of _my child_ blended in that Mira would not understand. “She’s just a little girl, Mira. A little girl in desperate need of love. _Harmless._ ”

Mira knocks her forehead sharply against her sister’s. “Have you taken one too many blows to the head, sister?” She questions, a snarled edge in her words. “Need I remind you it was a _seemingly_ harmless child who fooled you into dropping your guard once before?”

 _“Mira,”_ Elara warns. _Don’t go there._ But her sister isn’t listening. 

“ _No_ , Elara, you don’t get to keep doing _this_ ,” Mira clenches her jaw tight enough for Elara to feel the muscles twitch beneath her fingertips. “I almost lost you. Do you know what that _did_ to me, to see you so close to death?” She shook her head, clearly trying to sort through her emotions. “To watch you _mourn_ over the one responsible?” Elara’s frown didn’t stop the flow of words from her sister. “To look at _me_ like I was the _enemy_ when all I was doing was _protecting_ you.” 

Elara blinked back the tears that were suddenly in her eyes as she tried to draw in a breath. “Protecting me? Is _that_ what we’re calling it?” She manages to gasp out between clenched teeth. _Stop, this isn’t me. I’m not this person._ But wasn’t it? “You played judge, jury, and executioner before she could even defend herself.” Her body felt paralyzed, numb, cold. She didn’t notice the trembling in her hands until Mira clasped them both in hers. “You took her _choice_ away; almost did the same to _Amity_ , so if anyone doesn’t keep getting to do _this_ it’s _you_.”

Mira’s gaze never wavered. “You’re too soft,” she said, looking angry and hurt. _Scared._ “The Isles’ secrets are written out for your eyes to see, but you’re _so damn blind_ where it matters. _Useless._ Ignorant like the rest of them.” She squeezes Elara’s hands like they’re her lifeline. “I do _this_ because you _can’t_. I keep you alive, because one of us has to.”

“I don’t want to keep living if it means a stack of bodies follow me for the rest of my life,” Elara smiles thinly. “ _Her_ life mattered; _Amity’s_ life matters. Children are the future of the Isles, Mira; I’m _soft_ for them because I’ve seen what this world has done to them; how it’s turned them into weapons for the Emperor by the very hands meant to cherish them, _love them_. No one should have the power to decide who lives and who dies, like one life is worth less than another. Because _all_ lives matter. ”

“If all life matters,” Mira blinks, now lost entirely. “Then shouldn’t you want to live? _Your_ life matters. You’ve single-handedly altered the course of the healing arts; uprooted its very foundation and planted a new growth into the soil. _You._ _None_ of that would have come to fruition if others hadn’t died in your place.”

“ _Oh_ ,” a false laugh rang out. “I highly doubt that, my dear. There will _always_ come someone better; there’s going to be a day a witchling comes along and suddenly _I_ will be in _their_ shadow. And I welcome the thought with open arms, because it means the Isles’ future is a bright one.” 

“You _can’t_ mean that.”

“But I _do_.”

It’s not reassuring, Elara thinks, the way Mira’s lips thin; watches her, uncomprehending, but keeps Elara’s hands in hers. She came to a conclusion of her own; her only response: “Did you want to keep her? Keep this Blight?” _Like their pets._ She released a hand and brought it up to brush a lock of hair behind her ear, fingers lingering on her twin’s cheek. “If it’s children you want, my dear, I can find you one much better suited for you. Just give me the word.”

 _(“I’m numb inside; I don’t feel things like I know I should, and the only time I do feel something it’s because of you. I might be your silence, but you’re my noise.”) Right._ Elara tilted her head back, dislodging Mira’s hand from her cheek. “That’s not what I want, Mira,” She knitted her brows together in frustration. She hated the anger pulsing under her skin; it wasn’t in her nature to succumb to it, but there was _something_ about Amity that flipped a switch in her. A roaring in her that called to _protect._

Mira frowned, still so lost it physically hurt to see. “Oh.”

“Besides, my life isn’t exactly fit for children, now is it?” She felt a smirk nudge itself in place, unable to help it. “Well, unless Lilith decides she wants them. Then, by all means, I’d give her as many as she wants.” _Because Lilith makes me want things I can’t have. Selfish in ways everyone else can freely be._

Mira lowered back down, the palms of her hands resting on Elara’s knees. “Lilith makes a _fool_ of you, Elara,” She huffs. “More than you already are.” One hand abandons its perch to reach for a wet cloth Elara failed to notice before. “A number of suitors were lined up for your hand; you could’ve been married by now, with kids of your own; _happy_ ,” she takes hold of Elara’s hand, the one caked in dried blood. _Amity’s_ blood. “Instead you chase after someone I’d sooner bury in the ground than _ever_ find suitable as a mate. Why even bother? She’s _hurt_ you.”

“ _You_ hurt me as well,” _Over and over again._ Elara’s voice was soft, almost gentle, as she asserted, “As _I_ have hurt you, because sometimes we hurt the ones we love. It’s just in our nature, but we also _forgive_.”

Mira brushes the cloth against Elara’s skin, the sure, gentle administrations at odds with the confusion etched into her features. “Do I even deserve your forgiveness?” She questions; hesitates as she trains her eyes on the floor, steadfastly refusing to meet Elara’s gaze. “You form _such_ attachments to the people in your life, and I _know_ I’ve hurt you by taking so many from you. But the only attachment _I_ have is _you_ , and I’ll do everything in my power to keep you safe.” 

“Oh, Mira,” Elara breathes, her smile sad. _I know. That’s what hurts me._

Mira lifts her eyes, a hard glint reflecting in the golden hue. “If it came down to you or them, it’s you, without question, every single time. I’ll hurt you a thousand more times for it, I know it.” She pauses, deliberating. “I’m almost glad I can’t love anyone else; it’s just a weakness to be exploited, and I’m compromised by you as it is.” 

_Weak. He’s done that to you._ Elara stared at Mira intently, watching the flicker of emotions reflect in her sister’s eyes. She pursed her lips together in silent deliberation. _You’d be free if it weren’t for me._ “I love you,” Elara said, taking a hold of her sister’s hands, the cloth squeezed between their palms. “And loving someone isn’t a weakness, my love. It’s _those_ who’d use it against us that are _weak_.”

Mira leveled her with a cold, glassy stare, studying her carefully. “You’re my equal, Elara,” she said quietly, almost clinically. “I’ll end all life on the Isles if I lost you.” She pauses, separating their hands, her eyes downcast. “And it may very well come to that.”

 _What?_ Elara blinks a few times. “I beg your pardon?”

Mira levels her with a _look_ Elara can’t quite read before dropping her gaze again. “We’re on the brink of war, my dear.” 

Another blink. “Okay, I know the families have grown restless in recent years,” Elara murmurs, not quite sure where her sister is going with this. “Whatever had swayed them in the beginning has lost its power over time, but to say a _war_ is brewing? What of the Emperor?” 

Mira is silent for a moment. “The Emperor has never been worried about it before,” she allots. “The High Council is powerful enough to annihilate _all_ that lives on the Isles, and with the one witch actually powerful enough to stand against _us_ crippled by a curse, one would think he’d continue to not worry about the families and their petty squabbles.” Her eyes lift to meet Elara’s. “Imagine my astonishment when I learned he’s _nervous_.”

Elara tilts her head. “Nervous? The _Emperor?_ You’re joking.”

“Not joking,” Mira replies wryly, getting up. “He’s been working on something these last two years. The High Council has been stretched thin across the Isles in search of its pieces.” Elara follows her with her eyes as she strolls back into the kitchen. “I’m assuming it’s almost finished now, as he’s called us all back. We’re to have an audience with him in the morning.”

Elara winced as the water ran again. “Explains why you’re here,” she ran shaking fingers over her brow. Elara’s magic was still attempting to dilute her sister’s, but it was taking _time_. “I wasn’t meant to see you until tomorrow.”

No comment followed after her words. Mira walked back towards her, and when she moved to stand, her sister’s hand sunk on Elara’s shoulder to hold her in place; her nails dug into the material of her blouse. “There’s more,” The words were a quiet whisper, but rather than soothe her, they launched a slow simmer of panic in Elara, because Mira only used _that_ tone when she _knew_ what she says next will _do_ to her sister. “I had to kill sixteen children yesterday.” A pause. “ All of them Blights.”

Elara stiffened. _“Sixteen?”_ A worried sadness seeped into her tone, mirroring the expression in her eyes as she lifted her gaze to her sister. “ _Why_ , Mira?”

Mira seemed to understand what she was asking, as she was no longer capable of looking at her. She lowered her head in shameful guilt. Elara knew her sister well enough to know it wasn’t for the lives she took -they never meant anything to Mira, just flesh and bone made animated; all threats to Elara in her eyes. It’s the awareness of the _anguish_ it causes for Elara to know Mira so ruthlessly takes lives for _her_ benefit. To keep _Elara alive._

“They found out,” Mira snapped, the edge of her anger wavering in the face of her distraught twin. “I don’t know _how_ they found out, but they did, and I couldn’t let them find _you_ out.”

Elara reached up and touched Mira’s face, hooking her thumb and finger on Mira’s chin and forcing her down to be at eye level with her, because continuously tilting her head up was horrible for the pain drumming in her head. “What are you talking about? What did they find out? And why did they need to die for it?” She couldn’t get a read on her sister; Mira was one of the few who knew how to block the All-Knowing Sight. “Mira?”

In a deadpan, Mira answered. “The death glyphs.”

Elara felt the bottom drop out, and a wave of vertigo washed over her. It _hurts_. She clutches her head with both hands and leans forward, breathing heavily. She can feel Asa’s concern rippling in her magic, but she orders him to remain with Amity.

 _(“You’re the most powerful healer on the Isles, no?”)_ She squeezed her eyes shut. _(“I want you to save them all.”)_ She could feel her body shaking, could hear Mira’s voice speaking to her but the words were distorted, as if she were speaking from a vast distance. Spots danced and sparkled before her eyes, the searing in her head amplifying at the sound of _that voice_ ricocheting between her ears. _Stop,_ she wants to beg, though she doesn’t know _who_ it’s meant for. _(“I’m sorry! I- this is all my fault. Please...I should’ve known.”)_

 _“Elara!”_ A touch on her shoulder snapped her back to reality, and she jerked her shoulder away, a gasp escaping her as the muscles wrenched. Mira’s hands didn’t hesitate to clutch the sides of her face, her sharp, _sharp_ gaze flitting between concern and righteous fury. “Don’t go silent on me, Elara,” she commands. _Pleads._ “ _Talk_ to me. Do you need me to block it?”

 _Yes._ “No,” She manages to gasp out between gritted teeth. She feels a soft touch and realizes that Mira’s combing her fingers through her hair. Gentle, _trembling_ strokes. “My magic is still warring with yours,” she admits, reluctantly. “ _Why_ did you have to be so efficient with your spells, my love? You’re killing me.” _Quite literally._ She shakes her head. “Are the others compromised?” She breathes out through the pain. _Tell me they’re safe._

Mira’s face is twisted into concern and something else. “No,” the word was calm, in an obvious attempt to console Elara. “We made sure none made it out of there alive with the information, but they still hold the knowledge the glyphs exist and will attempt it again.” She paused, wordlessly pulling her sister close to rest her forehead against Elara’s temple, comforting her in the only way she’s ever known how to. “It’s most likely one of the reasons why the Emperor has called us back.”

“I don’t understand the Blights.” The fire in Elara’s chest roars, anger licking hot again. How many of the younger generation has she watched be withered down to nothing but their parents’ clones? All of their potential going down the drain in the families’ ever burning desire to prove their better than the other. “Why send children into a viper’s nest? They never stood a chance against any of you.” 

“They must have thought we’d hesitate,” Mira assumes, her voice is toneless, dead, unwavering. “They ought to have known we wouldn’t hesitate to protect the identities of our loved ones.”

 _Control the High Council and you control the fate of the Isles._ The room is spinning and Elara has to sink her teeth into her lip as she fights a wave of nausea and pain. She knocks her forehead into Mira’s to dispel the pain for a second. “What would the Emperor do in that situation? Killing us himself would result in you _willingly_ annihilating him, but letting you be controlled by another…” She trails off; she doesn’t want to dwell on the fact her fate lies in the hands of those seeking power. 

Mira closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. _“I don’t know,”_ her voice is hoarse, and even in her state, Elara can sense the panic and urgency in it. “It’s why, I must admit, I snapped on the Blight girl up there,” she continues in a whisper. “After yesterday...I would sooner give my life than let any harm come to you, Elara. That is an absolute truth. And if I lose you, the Isles will feel-”

 _“No,”_ Elara interrupted her with two fingers on her lips, and her sister continues to look at her with those sharp, _sharp_ eyes. “I’m not in any real danger of dying yet, my love.” _That_ is a bit of a lie, she’ll admit to herself. Elara is the Isles most powerful healer, yes, but when it comes to spell casting, _Mira_ wins by a landslide; up against Mira’s magic, Elara is _losing._ But that’s a concern for later.

“You never take this seriously,” Mira says with an expression of disbelief. Something lurked in her eyes, but _what_ Elara didn’t know. “The Emperor may very well execute an order tomorrow to hide you somewhere _I_ will not even know the knowledge of. What if he decides protecting you isn’t worth it? What if he kills you and leads me to believe you’re still alive?”

 _Oh, I don’t doubt that’s his intention._ Elara worried her sister’s bottom lip with her thumb, a futile attempt to dislodge the frown permanently affixed on her face. “We can waste our time on what-ifs if that’s what you want,” she drew back. “Or you can hear me out about a potential lead on the Clawthorne sisters’ curse.” _Because however this plays out I don’t think I’m going to make it, but they can end Belos once and for all. End the cycle of death._

Mira’s eyes narrow, a calculated look in her eyes, but Elara’s a master of concealing the truth -perks of a lifetime of studying others. Momentarily thwarted, Mira rests her chin on her palm, her elbow braced on the armrest of the chair. “And how do you figure? We’ve combed the Isles for answers and have found none.”

Elara closed her eyes, her head tipped back against the back of the chair. “Apparently,” She hums. “There’s a tomb in The Ribs only a human can access.”

“Human,” Mira parroted. “As in Edalyn Clawthorne’s little pet? The one you gave your scroll to?” The _I’m still angry about that_ went unsaid. 

“The very one,” Elara quips, opening her eyes. “And _Luz_ isn’t a pet.” She stares at her sister blankly; her voice shifting to chilly and hard. At this moment, you couldn’t tell the twins apart. “You’re on thin ice as it is, Mira. Under _no_ circumstances are you allowed to harm that girl, and if you do, understand that I will do everything in _my_ power to keep _her_ safe.” _Because Lilith loves her, and I will not let anyone take from her again._

Mira is silent for a moment, weighing her options before she replies. “So long as she doesn’t endanger you, I won’t harm her.” And it’s the most Elara can hope for, honestly, but it doesn’t settle the unease in the healer.

Suddenly, Mira’s head shoots up, swiveling to look in the direction of the front door, her lips pressing into a thin line. She’s hoisting herself to her feet not longer after, shifting in front of Elara, almost defensive. “Were you expecting anyone else today?” She questions, keeping her attention on the door. 

“Not that I can recall,” Elara answers, reaching a hand up to grasp her sister’s wrist in a warning, because what if it’s one of her patients on the other side? It certainly won’t be the first time they’ve shown up unannounced and in need of her. _I won’t be able to protect them if Mira attacks._

“Then-”

Mira’s interrupted by a loud _smack_ of Elara’s front door slamming into the wall as it's forcefully thrown open in whoever’s haste to get in, and Elara clutches her head at the sheer volume of it. The noise that comes out of her throat is half howl, half sob, and all parts wounded. Mira responds to it, shifting further in front of Elara to block her from what she’s perceived as a threat, her magic crackling in the air; poised to strike.

“Elara?!”

 _Luz._ “Mira, no...” Her voice is rough, wet and thick, but Mira _isn’t listening_ to her anymore. And because she is so _useless_ right now, all she can do is sit here and watch her sister go on the offense; without even assessing the situation, Mira's staff materializes, the twin palisman to Elara's baring its fangs, and she _lunges._

_NO!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To answer Amity: yes, Eda without the curse limiting her magic could and totally would destroy Mira. Destroy the entire High Council. In canon we've seen her potential BAMF-ness, and this universe everyone's basically OP, so without the curse Eda is 10x much more powerful than that. Lilith only thinks her sister doesn't stand a chance because she's only see cursed Eda all these years; she's forgotten what her sister's actually capable of.
> 
> Now, Luz. You could've just called, you know? Nah, we got to be so extra about it. Go straight to the source.


	9. erase the pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and four months before fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eda swears. Lots of swears. Struggles.

Luz scrubbed a hand over her face, her features drawn tight in exhaustion.

There was this _noise_ , like a dull, high-pitched ringing nestled in the back of her head; its volume gradually increasing in intensity by the hour. Luz prayed for _silence._

It was certainly manageable for a time; barely noticeable in the beginning. It hummed to life when Luz returned home from school to find Lilith _missing. (“There’s a few things we need from The Knee, kid. Lily will be back in a few days.”)_ The thought that Lilith hadn’t stuck around long enough to see Luz before she left invited a pang of loneliness in the teen, a disquiet ache in her chest. Suddenly, Luz was _alone_ in a room _full_ of people. 

_It’s okay._ It was brushed aside for a few hours; loneliness was an old companion of Luz’s -if she can spend half her life alone, she can handle a few days. _I can be okay._

 _But._ It didn’t last long. 

The shadows and quiet pressed in on her, and in response, the ringing kicked up a slight notch in the silence of the first night, all while the other occupants of the Owl House were fast asleep. Correction, King and Hooty were sleeping peacefully. Luz hadn’t heard Eda’s familiar steps come up the stairs yet and wondered if her mentor was as worried about Lilith as Luz. Because she _was_ worried. _Scared,_ even. 

Luz didn’t let the thought of Lilith _alone_ on The Knee settle in her mind. _Couldn’t._ Her troubled mind already welcomed the darkness that twisted her thoughts and fed her insecurities. She was too tired to put up much of a fight against them, to try and convince herself the things her head whispered to her on a nightly basis weren’t true. _(“We’re our harshest critics, our own worst enemy. The mind knows our every insecurity, and if we let it, it can easily destroy us in a way no one else ever could.”)_

Since Luz started taking the sleep elixirs Elara crafted for her, the teen’s sleep has been a dreamless one, an escape from the terrors that lie in whispers at the back of her mind in the daylight. She didn’t want their comfort tonight; so Luz rolled onto her side, shoving her hand under the pillow to grasp an unmarked jar kept there. She pulled it out of its hiding place, uncorked it, and with it carefully set on her nightstand, she let the air in her room be bathed in Lilith’s scent. 

She closed her eyes and slept uneasily. 

And awoke to the ringing a little louder than it was the night before. _Still_ manageable; _not_ so barely noticeable anymore. 

Her body screamed to just _sleep._ It was a struggle to roll out of bed the first morning without Lilith in the house. She managed to sit up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with one hand as she scratched the still slumbering King under his chin with the other. On autopilot, she snagged Elara’s scroll from the nightstand, typing a quick message and waiting with a knot in her stomach for the healer to respond. And only when the scroll vibrates in her hand does the tension in Luz’s shoulders ease a fraction. _Still safe._

_Good morning, sweetie! Did you sleep well? Oh, and I wish you luck on your exam today!_

Luz smiled faintly. Elara was such a _mom_ sometimes. _Okay, always._ And not like an Eda kind of mom. Eda’s that mom who’ll wreak havoc with you; she’d only judge you a _little_ -ask a question or two, and then be on board with whatever it is- but you’d need to prepare yourself for the constant teasing she can unleash upon her loved ones. Luz adored her, even if sometimes her mentor was still a little unsure of her role as Luz’s main caretaker. Luz wondered if she was afraid that Luz would think Eda was attempting to replace her mami. Which she _knew_ she wasn’t. _No one_ could ever replace her mami.

Elara, on the other hand, was the kind of mom you could tell _everything_ to without the fear of judgement; she was attentive to all of Luz’s woes, and when it came to Luz’s health, she was firm and unyielding, a soft scolding that Luz was powerless to ignore. Luz _listened_ to her in a way she doesn’t the Clawthorne sisters. Maybe a lot of it had to do with the fact Luz can’t hide from the healer? She’s combed through the depths of Luz’s soul; there was no longer a secret hidden from her. And instead of terrifying, it’s _reassuring._

It warms Luz to be on the receiving end of Elara’s affections, but it also saddens the teen; she’s witnessed with her own eyes the way Elara interacts with children of all ages, the warmth and longing in her eyes as she talks to them about nothing and everything. Luz has also caught signs of _regret_ and _guilt_ blended in; most wouldn’t even notice it. Did Elara want kids of her own? Does she regret waiting for Lilith to have one? Luz discusses her life on a daily basis with the healer, has been gifted with stories of Elara’s own, but Luz has always been a little afraid to delve too deep into Elara’s life. _(“A life for a life. When you become a member of the High Council, the most important thing in your life is branded with a glyph, one meant to snuff out a life if the Emperor so desires it.”)_

A brand like that etched into her skin _can’t_ be an easy burden to carry. And _alone_ , at that. Luz wanted it _off._ Elara deserves all the little future Rime-Clawthorne babies she’s ever wanted. She deserves a _forever_ with Lilith; not a fear of _what-if_ for the rest of her life. _It’s like Belos just knows who’s a good person on the Isles and makes them suffer for it._

The scroll vibrates in her hand again. _Are you alright, darling?_

Luz sighed and typed her response out. _I’m okay! Just a little nervous! Here’s to hoping Amity’s tutoring pays off!_ Then she breathed in the last fragments of Lilith’s scent, trying her hardest to imprint the smell into the pores of her lungs, before she discarded the jar, got dressed for school, and headed down the stairs, where the sight of Lilith’s _empty_ chair at the breakfast table struck a painful lurch in her chest. It was _wrong._

She left without even a goodbye, and with the slam of the door, the ringing became a little louder. 

Luz thought school - _hoped,_ actually- could take her mind off of everything. 

It _doesn’t._

She doesn’t need her results back to know she failed her exam this morning; she couldn’t recall a single thing she had gone over with Amity, her paper turned in without a single answer on it; just smudged graphite and eraser shavings. She’s currently moping over it with a peanut butter sandwich Gus handed to her after she took her seat at their table in the cafeteria. _Real food,_ she forlornly jokes in her head. 

“You never know,” Gus chimed in an attempt to cheer her up, his own sandwich lifted up close to his mouth. “Maybe Professor Larron will like the ravens you drew on the back so much she’ll give you a passing grade.”

Luz groaned, slamming her forehead down onto the table. Careful hands took a hold of her sandwich and set it down somewhere she couldn’t see, and then fingers were combing gently through her hair. Luz hummed, leaning into the contact. It reminded her of Lilith; the comparison hurt, but she was enjoying the touch too much to stop it. 

The hand stilled; then resumed when Luz whined. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 _Amity._ Luz shifted her head to meet the worried eyes of her friend. “It’s fine,” _liar._ “I just didn’t sleep very well last night.” _And whose fault is that?_ “Guess I was worrying more over the exam than I thought.”

Amity's smile is soft; Luz’s heart flutters in her chest, because it’s so rare for her friend to let herself be anything other than what’s expected of her, a _Blight._ “I don’t mind if you ever call,” she assures, her tone as soft as her smile. _So_ much like _Elara_ in that moment. “If you ever want to go over anything, I don’t mind helping you. No matter the time.”

Luz manages a weak smile. “Thanks, Amity.” _But you can’t help me with this._

Luz just wants to get through the day; get through the next few days as quickly as possible. So Lilith can come _home._

//

Eda stared unseeingly at the book in her hands, her thoughts lost somewhere between the words on the pages. She was inclined on the couch, her back pressed against the armrest, with the intentions of enjoying a bit of downtime, but her mind kept wandering back to Luz and the undecipherable emotion in her eyes when Eda informed her Lilith wouldn’t be back for a few days. It didn’t sit right with her; less so when Luz simply disappeared without so much as a backward glance her way. Like Eda didn’t even _exist_ anymore. 

Like _no one_ existed outside of Lilith. 

It was of concern for the older woman; a tension lined her shoulders at the nasty thought of losing Luz to Lilith. The closer her kid grows to her sister, the more Luz wedges a distance between herself and Eda. These days she’d rather spend all of her time following Lilith around the house the second she’s home from school. Asking the elder Clawthorne for help with her homework. Declining every offer to join Eda on a trip to the market if Lilith wasn’t in attendance. Even when her friends are over, Luz keeps Lilith in her sights. And if she isn’t, the kid’s fidgeting in her spot, eyes constantly on the stairs. Almost as if Lilith’s the _air_ she needs to _breathe._

As much as she hated to admit it, it warped her own relationship with her sister. At her worst, she’s seething in rage and _jealousy,_ lashing out at Lilith like she’s the source of her every wrongdoing. It tears her apart, because Lilith just _takes_ it, as if she’s under some notion that she _deserves_ it; looking at her with those damn guilt-ridden eyes, like she wants to speak but _can’t._

 _Please, Lily._ She wanted to beg. _Please fight back. Where’s my take-no-shit sister?_

Eda’s _clingy,_ as well; not that she’ll ever actually admit _that._ When Luz is off at school, _Eda_ is the one following her sister around the house; it was _so_ reminiscent of their younger years, she thought. Lilith likes to spend her mornings curled up on the couch with a book she’s found, a steaming cup of floral tea carefully placed on the armrest beside her. Now, Eda’s _not_ the sitting still type; _never_ has been, but for Lilith’s head scratches and gentle mutterings, she’ll willingly be a petrified statue if that’s _all_ it took. Because the same rage and jealousy she held within her over losing Luz to Lilith was on the same coin as losing _Lilith_ to _Luz._ She’s never had to share her sister like this before, and it _scared_ her to lose Lilith to _her own kid._

An ache like no other pulsed through her; she wondered why it _hurt so much_ if she knew, without a doubt, she’d _let_ it happen. If she knew for certain they could fit their broken pieces together. _Without_ her. 

“Is Lilith back yet?”

Eda’s head lifted, eyes landing on her apprentice. Luz fidgeted with her hoodie from where she stood in the entryway to the living room, her eyes flicking between the front door and her mentor. “Fraid not,” Eda closed her book carefully, noting the pale pallor of Luz’s skin. “You’re looking a little pale, kid. You alright?”

Luz didn’t respond to her. She casted one glance at the door and headed back up the stairs.

It was all Luz said to her for two days. 

//

_Breathe in. One. Two. Three._

The sound of her labored breathing _-Dios,_ the ringing was a screeching wail at this point- was loud in her ears in the silence of Lilith’s bedroom; her eyes screwed so tightly shut she could _almost_ pretend Lilith was _here._

She lied there, curled up on the bed with the sheets thrown over her head and forehead pressed into the mattress in the dark room. Her nose buried itself to breathe in as much of the scent infused into the fabric as physically possible; counting down the hours until Lilith returned. 

She’s _late._

Luz’s fists are balled against her face; it took every ounce of will in her not to rake her nails down her scalp to silence the _screaming_ in her head. 

_She’s_ late. She’s _late._ _She’s late._

Luz can’t stop the shivering. There is a sickening feeling in her stomach that something is terribly _wrong._ The mounting fear was swallowing her whole and she was powerless to stop it. 

Lilith’s _never_ late. 

Luz couldn’t take it anymore. She needed _help._ She barely stumbled out of the bed, sheet clutched in trembling fingers and draped over her head, before a wounded sound keened in the back of her throat.

//

Her sister was _late._

 _Two days._ Her sister said it should only take two days to investigate a piece of information Lilith picked up from the Underground (Eda _almost_ killed her sister herself when she told her, and _what the hell_ was she doing all the way in Knetwell in the first place, but that’s a thought for another time) about a possible portal to the human realm hidden in a temple on The Knee. Lilith was only meant to scope out the area before retrieving her sister if the information proved viable to them. 

It’s the _third_ night now. 

Eda isn’t sure if she’s made the biggest mistake of her life or not. Her sister’s fully capable of taking care of herself, Eda _knows._ Lilith’s strong in her own right, but she’s heavily crippled compared to what she _was._ Eda’s not so confident Lilith’s fully tested her limits yet either, but it’s not like they had a _choice_ in the matter; Lilith was better equipped for the job and someone needed to stay behind with Luz. Eda wasn’t about to leave her kid alone. _Never again._

 _Doesn’t stop me from rethinking the whole idea,_ Eda thought, pacing the length of the living room restlessly, her eyes on the door. _I’ll give her till sunrise._ And then whether her sister liked it or not, Eda was coming for her. 

“E-Eda?”

 _She’s so pale_. Later, Eda will remember the thought, but as her head snapped in the direction from where the timid sound had drifted from, all Eda can focus on is the breath lodged in the back of her throat at the sight of Luz, _her kid_ , trembling like a leaf in the wind. 

“Eda.” Bloodshot eyes latched onto her, full to the brim with fear and torment, a sheer desperation marring Luz’s soft features. “Where’s Lilith?”

Alarmed, Eda drew near, inwardly flinching as the teen moved back. She tried again, and again Luz retreated; Eda remained where she stood after the second flinch. “Luz?” Panic coursed through her veins, but she kept her voice from trembling, a familiar one whispering in her ear that she needed to remain calm for Luz’s sake. “What’s wrong, kid? Are you sick?”

One word. It was just one word, and it was like that word stung like a slap to the face, and it effortlessly left her kid cold and vulnerable like a cornered animal, tears building behind her eyes, cowering in fear. 

“Stop, no,” Luz whimpers, hands clutching her head, her breath coming in gasps. _“No!”_

_Move._

_Move._

The voice in her head wasn’t melodic and soft anymore, but the screeching howl of the cursed form. 

_Owlet. Danger._

_Move._

She shifted forward; the tiniest shred of hope flared -Luz wasn’t moving any further back, but her eyes tracked Eda’s movements as if she were a predator. _Owlet. Danger. Protect._

“Luz…”

Just a soft whisper, but even that tensed slim shoulders, and Eda paused again, unsure how to proceed as the beast thrashed to wrap itself around its young, while the soft, melodic voice warned her if she pushed too much she risks Luz running from her. 

“Lilith,” Luz whined, and Eda’s heart constricted painfully in her chest at how wounded her kid sounded. “I need _Lilith,_ Eda. _Please_.”

Tentatively she brought her arm up, hope growing when Luz remained still. She swallowed hard, eyes glued to the slow progress of her hand as she reached for her kid. _Physical affection,_ a friend once said. _Is the best kind of sedative._ But _only_ when it’s wanted, she recalls. 

She had this irrational thought that if she could just _touch_ her, she could fix this, but the second her fingertips grazed the sheet enveloping her kid’s tiny frame, Luz let out a choked cry as if she’d been burned, wrenching herself out of Eda’s reach. 

_“NO!”_

Sobs escaping, legs trembling so hard she couldn’t support her weight anymore, Luz sank to the ground, her nails digging into her scalp, and Eda wanted to _stop_ her, but she didn’t know _how_ to without touching her. 

“Kid,” she pleaded, the tremble noticeable in her voice, the cursed form whimpering in tandem as she sunk to the ground next to Luz. “How can I help you? Whatever you want, Luz. Just tell me.” Because she didn’t know what else to do. _Did I do this to you? Is this my fault?_

“Lilith, Lilith, Lilith.” A constant flow; it spilled past the choked cries. Luz’s eyes were fixated on the floor. Was she deliberately avoiding Eda’s gaze? “I need Lilith. Please, Eda. _Give her back!_ I’ll be better, just give her back!”

Eda reared back, eyes wide. _Give her back,_ as if Eda had sent her away on _purpose._ As if she was _punishing_ Luz for...for _what_ exactly? For loving her sister over her? For choosing Lilith? _No._

How Luz looked right now...the sheer wrongness of it clawed at Eda’s throat, and Eda could not put into words how unsettlingly disparate it was. Luz never looked so frightened, so small, and she fought the urge to cry, because her kid needed someone to be strong for her right now; Eda needed to find Lilith.

But she _can’t._ If she was confident she knew Lilith’s _exact_ location on The Knee, she’d make haste to her, because no matter how much it _hurts_ , that tearing in her heart, if it’s _Lilith_ Luz needs right now, so be it; Eda will demolish everything in her path to get her sister to Luz. But she _doesn’t,_ and she can’t leave Luz here _alone._ Not in her current state. Not while she was falling apart in front of Eda’s eyes. 

_Owlbert._ Owlbert can find Lilith. 

With a set goal in mind, Eda’s muscles loosened; she scrambled to her feet. She was reluctant to leave Luz on the floor, but her kid still wanted nothing to do with her. She forced herself to leave her side, dashing into the kitchen in search of her palisman, who was currently sleeping in the cabinet above the fridge. 

She got him down, woke him from his deep slumber, and sent him off to find Lilith; he knew Lilith’s magical signature best after her, and if he couldn’t detect that for a number of reasons Eda doesn’t want to think about, he’s linked to Lilith’s palisman. Owlbert was the best shot Eda had at quickly and efficiently finding her sister. _Bring her home so I can kill her myself._

Next, Eda stood in front of the orbuculum, fingers pressing down against the glass. She doesn’t know how long it’s going to take Owlbert to find Lilith and bring her home, but Luz needed help _now._ And if it can’t be Eda, then it has to be the only other person Eda could trust with her kid, who would know what to do in this situation.

Eda hesitates. _It’s the middle of the night,_ her mind helplessly reminds her. _She’s bound to be asleep._

Between Luz’s safety and her friend’s undisturbed sleep, her choice is a simple one, and it’s not long before a familiar set of sleepy eyes are staring back at her from the orbuculum. One look at Eda’s distraught face and those eyes are _sharp_ in an instant, all traces of sleep gone.

“What’s happened, my love?”

 _Titan._ Even over the orbuculum, the effect that voice _alone_ had on Eda was enough to loosen some of the tension sitting tight in her shoulders. “I need you,” she whispered. “I need you to help my kid.”

//

All Eda can do now was wait. 

Eda warily slid down the back of the couch, angling to keep the front door and Luz’s trembling frame over by the staircase within her line of sight, and wrestled down the urge to hover over Luz. Every little cry fractured a vital part of Eda; she wanted to reach out and embrace her kid and protect her from whatever it is that’s hurting her. 

_Did I do this to you? Why do you need Lilith? Why not me?_ It had been painfully evident that Luz was hiding something from Eda; something that obviously concerned her. A problem. _Is_ _this it, Luz?_ She was watching her kid be torn to shreds from the inside, and she couldn’t do a damn thing to help. _Luz_ wouldn’t let her help. 

“Are you okay?” The answer was obvious, yet she could not do a thing to impede the witless words from spilling forth; it was said more to break the silence than anything. Luz was not okay, and Eda wasn’t expecting her to answer her anyway, a constant stream of Lilith’s name the only sound seemingly capable for her to utter. 

Luz’s voice, when she did reply, was suffocated, as if she had broken the water’s surface and breathed in fresh air before she drowned. “No.” And the admission of it shocked them both. Like neither of them expected it. “I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in a long time.”

The beast howled and raged in its cage. _Move,_ it demanded. _Protect Owlet._

It's unsurprising to hear the rumbles so clear; if she's honest, Eda has been listening to the beast closely since the night the curse was split between the sisters -it was always there at the edge of her mind, a moment’s thought away from taking control of the witch. Lilith would have some words for her little sister if she ever found out, and Eda doesn’t want to know if her sister was in the same boat as her; what it could mean for them to have the beasts so close to the surface on a daily basis. But it hasn’t led Eda astray yet, and most times she has little desire to ignore it, but another voice overpowers the beast tonight, warning her she is treading a dangerous line here. One wrong move and Eda could lose Luz for good. _And I can’t lose her._

“How can I help you, kid?” She asks instead, firmly remaining where she’s seated, even if every fiber of her being is itching to be by her kid’s side. 

“You _can’t._ ” Luz’s voice was uneven, filled with a sense of defeat. It _hurt._ Made Eda want to -want to what? Want to ruthlessly destroy whatever or whomever was causing her kid such distress. _Tell me._ “ _Lilith_ knows. Lilith _understands._ You’re not _broken_ like us. You can’t help me, Eda. I need Lilith.”

 _Broken._ Eda once said to someone -a healer, at that- that her sister, her Lily, was broken inside, and that she didn’t know how to fix her, glue her fractured pieces back together. And that healer, the one Elara Rime, answered Eda with the deadest stare she’s ever seen grace the other woman’s face. _She’s not broken,_ she remembers the words, cutting into Eda in the same tone her twin sister was famous for. _She doesn’t need to be fixed. What Lilith needs is someone to understand._ But, at the time, Eda didn’t understand what she meant, and -well, to Eda- broken was the only word that best described her sister. And who knew Lilith better than her own sister?

 _But I didn’t really know her, did I?_ Eda could defend herself, say she was just a child, a child who shouldn’t be expected to look over her shoulder and pick her sister up when she falls. Lilith was the _eldest_ ; if anything, she was meant to pick _Eda_ up when she fell...and she _always_ did. Every scraped knee was kissed and bandaged, every night she was tucked in and read a bedtime story, every surprise pounce was met with little resistance (Lilith had an aversion to physical contact, save for a select few; Eda just so happened to be one of them), every heartbreak came with promises of murder and the best candy Lilith’s allowance could buy. 

_Lilith_ picked _Eda_ up when she fell; so _who_ the hell was there to pick _Lilith_ up when she fell?

Eda was a child, yes, but so was Lilith. And who was there for her sister? Who kissed and bandaged her scraped knees? Who tucked her in and read her bedtime stories? Who did she let herself touch freely because she wanted it? Who was there when her heart was broken with the best sweets their money could buy? Because it sure as hell wasn’t her own little sister, her Edalyn. 

It never crossed her mind that her sister was alone this entire time, even with Eda in the same room as her. Eda never understood those little affections was how Lilith showed her love. By not returning those affections, did Lilith think Eda didn’t love her sister? _Is that how I lost you?_

Eda had always been the protector, always defending Lilith from bullies, but she never realized she was failing to protect Lilith from the one that mattered. _Her. Edalyn Clawthorne._ It took a curse and years with little interaction with her sister, for Eda to learn she didn’t know Lilith best at all. Their parents lust for power may have chipped away at Lilith, Lilith’s doubts and fears may have crippled her, but it was _Eda_ who… _I did this to you, Lily. I didn’t pick you up when you fell._

_She’s not broken. She doesn’t need to be fixed. What Lilith needs is someone to understand._

Eda opened her mouth, but everything she wanted to say, wanted to ask, wanted to tell, all of them tried to escape at once and she found herself almost choking instead. Luz still wasn’t looking at her. Just as well, because all Luz would have seen was the trembling in her fingers. Suddenly, the air was stifling, suffocating, and a harrowing pressure was building in her chest. _No, I don’t understand you like Lilith does,_ she wanted to say. _But I want-_

The thought fizzles out, a warmth sweeping up and over Eda in its gentle hold, chasing away the anguish and the self-blame. Hooty’s voice chittered quietly in the space between her heartbeats, her gaze snapping back to the doorway as the door swung slowly open. 

_You._ Eda scarcely dared to move. 

Eda felt her breath catch in her throat at the sight of the woman that stood in the entryway. She was still so achingly beautiful -petite and svelte. Large gold eyes framed with long dark lashes set above high cheekbones. A small button nose led down to a set of glossy pink lips and the gentle point of a chin. Like always, forest green hair tumbled in soft waves, the ends curling softly at her clavicles. The maroon sweater she wore was new, Eda noted, the petite woman practically drowning in it; there’s a nagging feeling that Eda’s seen that exact sweater before, though she can’t quite place from where. It fell well past her thighs, legs exposed and her feet bare. Asa, her palisman, slithered off her staff as she waved it away and settled over her shoulder. 

She was the Blight's perfect image, but instead of the urge to slug her in the face, Eda wanted to kiss whatever deity blessed Primrose Rime with such enchanting children -Eda was of the opinion _all_ of the Rimes were breathtakingly attractive. And now without her magic, Eda can’t buffer the heady effects of Elara’s magic that oozes in waves off of her; it prodded at Eda, seeping into her cracks and filling them with comfort and safety, a soft promise that everything will be alright in the end. It was almost disorienting to be under the brunt of its influence when, at one time, Elara was a mere brush of contact against Eda’s own magic. 

Then those all too _bright_ eyes looked her over slowly; an override of Eda’s magic no longer played as interference to the All-Knowing Sight to keep the spell from diving into the creases of her soul. Eda was now as open as the rest of the Isles to be devoured by eyes always searching for answers to the questions filtering through that brilliant head at all hours of the day. Suddenly, the younger Clawthorne understood why Lilith kept her distance from Elara Rime for all these years. The woman knew _everything._

Eda startled out of her trance, eyes widening as Elara shifted forward; she crossed the threshold, with Hooty closing the door softly at her back, and made her way across the room to stand in front of Eda, stepping in close to her personal space. Her scent flooded Eda’s senses; she blinked back tears -it was so _familiar_ , awakening memories of a time before Eda was on her own with King as her sole companion. 

Elara lowered down to her knees, reaching out to cup gently at her jaw. Eda dared to meet those eyes, which have only ever held warmth and affection when they met hers, but now they also burned with a knowance of Eda that she was never privy to before. The healer didn’t utter a word, but Eda has known Elara practically her whole life and the hand on her jaw was a soft _I’m sorry_ she couldn’t comprehend the meaning behind. And then Elara bent forward slightly, letting her lips lightly trace a trail of kisses over Eda’s cheek. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ , they said. But _why?_

She’d get her answer soon enough when the woman moves away from her, the physical loss of her drawing a whine out of Eda. _Is this what everyone else deals with? No one wonder Mira hovers over Elara like a damn shadow. Yeesh, woman._

Then the healer is at her kid’s side in a few purposeful strides, her voice a hushed murmur Eda can’t quite make out; at first, she’s shocked Luz so willingly clambers into the arms of a stranger when she had so vehemently denied Eda’s touch, even if Elara’s magic _is_ potent enough to send grown men to their knees in reverence. Eda wasn’t even aware Luz _could_ detect the unique magical signatures of witches. But then she observes them - _really_ observes them, and the ease at which they converse, the _familiarity_ in the way Elara cradles Luz in her arms. Like she’s done this before. 

To be fair, she _has._

Elara’s got this soft tenderness for children that isn’t present around anyone else, her magic shifting from comfort to maternal in a swift flip; until Luz came along, Eda never really _got it._ To her, they were snotty nosed brats who needed constant attention, and it took this one human child for Eda to understand what Elara meant when she says she looks at those little monsters and sees the future of the Isles, because she looks at _Luz_ and sees the future she had casted aside to remain in the present. Elara sees it with _every_ child she encounters, and if there is a time Elara is _weak_ it’s to the whims and needs of a child. 

So, yes, Elara has a special way of handling children, always has; Eda’s witnessed firsthand the unabashed love the healer has for the witchlings under her care. But here, with Luz burying her face in the other woman’s stomach and her hands fisting the sweater, the two whispering in a language all of their own...well, it’s _familiar_ to _them_ ; they’ve done this before. That _I’m sorry_ made perfect sense now. 

_You were in on it, weren’t you?_ The knowledge weighed heavily on her. _Why am I even surprised?_

Eda spectates while the two get lost in their own little world for a length of time, a twisting sensation in her heart. Elara kept her stare on Luz, so lovely and soft and full of _caring_ , and that traitorous warmth started to seep through the cracks in Eda’s heart, and it was all so _unfair._ And Luz answered her as if she were born to, watery eyes large and pleading, a whisper of urgent words that were soothed by the other woman. There’s a peace in the knowledge her kid can be in the sure hands of someone Eda trusts with her life, but there is also an anguish that she didn’t think Eda was good enough to be that someone. 

_I trusted you._ Eda slammed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath to calm the rage prickling under her skin. It was a more comfortable emotion; she briefly thought to lean on it and let it settle around her like a familiar cloak. Except, she’s never been able to stay mad at the other woman for long. _Just calm down,_ she breathed, centering her thoughts. With a light exhale she opened her eyes, meeting Elara’s stare head on. _I trusted you. For some reason...I still do._

The soft warmth was still in her eyes, albeit with a touch of guilt shrouded in the gold gaze, and it pierced through Eda like a spear. Luz’s broken sobs had toned down to wet hiccups from the moment Elara’s hands had brushed her skin, and now she was completely silent; head resting in the healer’s lap, her back to Eda. She wasn’t trembling anymore, Eda noted, and when the occasional shudder racked her, Elara was there to gently comb through her hair with gentle fingers, offering the teen her silent support. Elara’s palisman rested where Luz’s side dipped in, curled into a ball and thrumming with Elara’s magic while the healer focused those all-knowing eyes on her friend. 

Eda wanted to simmer in the hurt of the other woman’s betrayal, but she can’t say she’s all that surprised by it; it was bound to happen at some point. _You are so damn lucky I like you, else the Isles would need to learn how to function without their prodigy healer, let me tell you._

Eyes cutting and hard, Eda wants to bare her fangs, but the damned cursed form is too interested in purring over the warmth of Elara’s magic. _I see whose side you’re on, you traitor._ To the beast, her kid is in safe hands. Her Owlet is protected; so she’s settled down and is content to purr and coo at the healer. _Traitors. All of you. I live in a house full of traitors._

“Forgive me, my love,” Elara’s voice, low and weak, barely broke the silence. “This was never how you were meant to learn about this,” she started, suddenly unable to look her in the eye, an involuntary wince briefly twisting her soft features. “No, this is never how _I_ wanted you to know.” 

_My love. Ugh, you know that makes me squishy._ Eda processed for a moment, then frowned. “I know you,” it was a low rasp; Eda was too emotionally wrung out for the anger coiling low in her gut. “I know you’re not one to hurt me on purpose. It’s one of the things I like about you.” _Not like the rest of them; like Lily._ She dragged a hand down her face. “Just _please_ tell me what the _hell_ is going on. Tell me why Luz won’t even…” She trailed off, too anguished to hear the words aloud. _She won’t even look at me._

Elara’s expression was conflicted, almost unreadable. “Luz has been in my care for a few months now,” she said quietly. “There is much I can’t share with you,” Eda wants to refute her; Elara swiftly shuts her down with her next carefully chosen set of words. “She is my patient before anything else, and I have _never_ divulged what has been said in confidentiality; that will not change, even for you. But what I can tell you is that Luz’s mental stability is fractured. She’s struggling in ways you and I can’t understand.” 

_She’s not broken. She doesn’t need to be fixed. What Lilith needs is someone to understand._

There was a long moment of silence, save for Luz’s occasional whimper and Elara’s soft hushing, before Eda responded with a shaky breath, “She’s like Lily, isn’t she?” _You’re not broken like us. You can’t help me, Eda. I need Lilith._

Elara hesitated before nodding. “In a way,” she confirmed. “Very different circumstances; yet the same in a sense.”

Eda’s brows knitted in confusion, head falling back against the couch. “What does that even _mean_?” She inquired carefully. _I want to understand._ “When you said Lily needed someone to understand, I dismissed it, because I thought I knew my sister better than you ever could.” She took a breath. “But I now know that was never true; so then I thought it was you who understood her best, but you’re telling me you don’t. So how can you help my kid if you don’t understand it either?” _Help me understand that at least._

“I don’t understand because I’ve never gone through their hardships,” it’s not Elara speaking to her, but the healer the Isles worships and envies; honestly, Eda hates _her._ “But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to treat them. I can help them live a relatively normal life... _if_ they are willing to let me.” 

“Are they,” Eda lifts her head. “Willing to let you?”

Elara sighed, and Eda could make out an unmistakable hint of disappointment in the other woman’s gold eyes. “Lilith has suffered far longer than Luz; unfortunately, she is set in her ways now. She is not making it easy for me to lend my help,” she brushes her fingers over Luz’s cheek in thought. “She caught Luz before she fell down the same downward spiral as her, but there are things Luz still fights me on. Like their dependency on one another, and I warned them it would someday be their downfall.” 

_Lilith is dependent on Luz?_ Eda can’t fathom that; she dismisses it and snidely asks instead, “So Lilith did this to her then?” _Because my kid was happy before Lilith got involved._

“This isn’t of Lilith’s doing,” a layer of steel hardened Elara’s melodic voice, defensive and threatening. “Lilith has done everything she can to _help_ Luz, and I will not let you sit here and blame her when we are _all_ in this mess together.” _Ah, there she is. There’s the real Elara._

“All but _me_ ,” Eda almost spat, mindful of the still resting Luz. “Was I to be kept in the dark for the rest of my days? That’s my kid right there, Elara. _My_ kid. And I couldn’t _fucking_ do anything for her.”

Elara breathed in sharply, slightly alarmed at the semi-hostile tone, and then concern flooded her face. “I would _never_ have kept it from you forever. Luz deserved the chance to tell you on her own before I intervened.” 

“I don’t believe that for a second with my sister in the mix of it,” Eda replied, voice fraught with acidity. “Lilith’s got you so wrapped around her finger your own _twin’s_ afraid you’ll sever your connection with her to keep Lilith close to you.”

“That’s not-”

Eda doesn’t want to hear her excuses. _No,_ she doesn’t want to hear the _healer’s_ excuses. It isn’t true, she _knows_ it; Elara has never intentionally hurt her before -isn’t capable of it if she can stop it. Elara doesn’t deserve this. She had only been kind to her, loved her, comforted her. She was there for her when Lilith couldn’t be; just as Eda has been there for her. But the truth of it does little to stop the venom that coats the next set of words that roll off her tongue, a promise to inflict _harm_ within them as the cursed form bares its own fangs at _Eda_ in response. “Are you so desperate to get my sister beneath you that my feelings don’t matter? How many times have _I_ been there for _you_? And yet you couldn’t do the same for me. Just this _once._ ” 

It was miniscule, the slight flinch from the other woman; so subtle anyone else would’ve missed it, but Eda isn’t anyone else, and the beast _whines_ at the anguish in a pair of gold eyes before it’s gone in a blink. “Stop this at once, Edalyn Clawthorne,” the words are monotonous and cold, a shard of ice running down Eda’s spine at how eerily similar she sounded like her twin in this moment. “I know you’re hurting, but you don’t get to take it out on me like a child whose favorite toy has been stolen.” 

“No,” Eda nearly growled. “I’m your _friend_ ,” a brief flicker of pain flashes on her features before she hardens her expression. “At least, I _thought_ I was until you decided it was such a great idea to keep my kid’s health from me. She’s mine, Elara. _Mine_. I should have been in the know about this!”

“Believe it or not,” Elara softens her tone to a brittle sort of hardness. “She is also _Lilith’s_ child. As I have said, Luz is my patient, Edalyn, and my patients' needs come before what their caretakers want. Until I thought it was absolutely necessary, I was not about to destroy what little stability she has by sneaking around behind her back on a matter she didn’t want you to know about yet. I will _not_ do that. Not for you. Not for anyone.”

 _Do you even listen to yourself?_ Eda thought with a hiss. _I want my friend, but you can’t even dial back that healer far enough for her to talk to me. I hate her. She isn’t you._

“Don’t,” and Eda’s rage tempers, hot and glowing under the coals but no longer raging, not in the wake of what she knows is the truth. This is how Elara has always operated and it benefited her patients all the better for it; doesn’t mean Eda wants to be rational about it. Damnit, she just wants her _friend._ “Take your healer philosophy and throw it out the damn window for five minutes and talk to me _like a person._ ” 

Elara intently held Eda’s gaze for a while, until she finally looked away and stared at the front door; something peculiar flickered in her expression, but Eda can’t get a read on it. “I know you feel betrayed, Eda.” Elara sighs, but it sounds wary. “I know you feel like you’re not good enough for Luz; why else wouldn’t she tell you, right?” She carefully eases Luz off of her lap, arranging the sheet the teen was still clutching to so that her head was cushioned instead of lying directly on the hardwood floor. “But you are so _wrong._ She loves you like only a daughter can love their mother. You are her _everything,_ my love.”

“I-” Eda opened her mouth; it snapped closed at the emptiness in the healer’s eyes. She’s only seen that look one other time; it’s not a trip down memory lane she wants to take. _You fucked up, Clawthorne. Like Lilith level fucked up._

“And to be quite frank, I’m not your punching bag, Edalyn,” Elara rose slowly, and Eda felt horror settle in a hard knot in her stomach as Elara stared back at her. _Numb._ “You want to talk? We can talk. But I will not sit here and let you berate me for doing what I have seen is best for one of my patients. Because _that_ is what Luz is before _any_ personal feelings are involved. If she wasn’t, you would have been notified immediately. I advise you get that through your thick head before you _ever_ dare to accuse me again.”

“I-” All the fight drained out of her, her form deflating as her shoulders hunched, and if the swell of sympathy in the other woman’s eyes meant anything, Eda must have looked _defeated._

 _Stop, I don’t deserve that._ It was disheartening how much Elara could still care about someone who’s hurt her, and Eda breathed a sigh of regret at having pushed the matter so hard. _No matter how badly I want answers, I had no right to hit her where it hurts most._

Elara’s gold gaze bore down, solemn and wise. “I love you in my entirety, Edalyn,” she paused, letting her words weigh heavy in the air. “That hasn’t changed, and it won’t. But I can’t always be your friend, and I can’t always put you first. _She_ ,” and a hand shoots down to gesture at the slumbering Luz. “Needed me. I had to put her first this time.”

A vice grip squeezed around Eda’s heart, and not even Elara’s soft comfort could mitigate its pain; it stuttered the air in her lungs and sent painful pangs radiating through her body. She screwed her eyes shut tight, swallowing the hard lump in her throat. _I’m sorry. I know, but it hurts all the same. I was left in the dark. Alone._

A warm weight settles in her lap, arms around her neck, hands cupping the back of her head as a forehead gently nudges against her own. _("I'd get used to it if I were you, little Clawthornes, because this is how us Rimes express our love.")_ “She loves you,” is Elara’s soft whisper, drowning out all other voices conspiring against her. “She loves you so much. She has never wanted to hurt you like this.”

Eda finally opened her eyes, accepting the concern in the gaze so close she can make out the individual shades of golden flecks in the irises. “Then _why_ didn’t she want to tell me?” She shakily exhales out. Her hands flex at her sides, unsure of what else to do. _Physical affection is the best kind of sedative, but only when it’s wanted._

Elara’s smile is soft and sympathetic. “Only she can answer that,” she replied. A hand drops down to trace the blackened gem embedded in her chest. Her eyes shift to the door again, that same peculiar look on her face. She faces Eda, brows furrowed. “I can’t feel you. You’re here _,_ but it’s like you’re _not_. It _aches._ ”

It’s painful to hear, the lost little sound in Elara’s voice, and Eda hastily wound one hand through the lush waterfall of Elara’s silky green hair, anchoring the other on the small of her back, until they were impossibly close, and tucked the healer’s head under her chin. She has felt the ache; the _emptiness_ in her a constant reminder of what she’s lost. _Her magic._ She’d give it all up again for Luz, for Lilith, but she still feels the loss of it like a body part that’s been amputated. _Permanently._ She should’ve known someone who can handle nearly the full extent of her magical signature would be just as affected by its loss as her.

“I’m a little gone,” Eda sighed heavily. “But it’ll take more than the loss of my magic to get rid of me. Fraid you’re stuck with me for life.”

“I don’t mind forever,” Elara whispered, breath tickling the skin of Eda’s neck as she buried herself into the curve of her clavicle. “I might not be able to feel you, but I can _see_ you. And you still shine brighter than anyone else on the Isles. I have missed your light, my love, even when you liked to hide it from me.” 

“You use that flowery nonsense on all your suitors,” Eda murmured into Elara’s hair, basking in the headiness of the healer that has reduced the strong to groveling children. She was everywhere, so close, so electric. “Or just me?”

Elara separates from her, peering at her with a dash of amusement gracing her irises. “Depends,” she pats Eda’s cheek affectionately. “Is it working?”

Eda snorted, swatting the hand away. “Eh, maybe once,” she jokes lightly. “I just know your end game, and it’s around this tall,” Eda indicates the air at the same level as the top of her head. “Raven hair. Pretty but really scary. Walks around like something’s stuck up-” A throat clears in warning. “Very good posture, I mean. Facial expression like a brick wall.” Another snort. “Really, what _do_ you see in my sister?” 

Elara only smiled in response. _Everything,_ was the answer in the curve of her lips. 

The healer shifted back, and a sharp instinct, almost fearful, piercing through the playfulness, seized Eda, and she abruptly felt the loss of the other woman, hands reaching out for her, but she was already on her feet. 

Eda froze. “Wait, where are you going?”

Instead of heading in the direction of the front door like Eda thought, Elara strides in the direction of the gray-haired witch’s kitchen, disappearing around the bend and leaving a puzzled Eda in her wake. A few seconds later, she pushed off the floor, swept her gaze over Luz -Asa flicks his tongue at Eda, assuring her the teen is in his capable care- and followed the healer. There were some choice words on her tongue about leaving in the middle of a discussion. _One, it’s rude. Two, it’s rude. Three- pfft._

Whatever she was on the verge of voicing halted, the words barreling back down her throat at a speed so fast she nearly choked on them. She stood frozen in the entrance to the kitchen, one eye on Luz and Asa; she trusted the palisman to keep her kid safe in the same manner as Owlbert, don’t get her wrong. And like Owlbert, the very wood he is carved from is ingrained with Elara’s magic; he’s capable of casting a protection barrier around anyone Elara deems important to her if there ever came a time she was too incapacitated to provide cover herself. And not many can get past Elara’s defensive spells. _Always thinking ahead. For what, I don’t know._ So, yes, she trusts him, but Eda’s just not in the right mindset yet to let her kid out of her sight. 

The other eye is on the sight of Elara Rime, renowned healer and prodigy of the healing arts, rummaging through Eda’s cabinets like King when he wants a snack, the shorter woman standing on the tips of her toes to reach up for something on one of the higher shelves. _So tiny._ Eda tried to hold back her amusement, but to no avail -to be honest, she wasn’t really trying to begin with. She held a hand to her mouth to hold back her laughter, instead, it came out in suppressed giggles. And then was released into snorts by the deadpan stare Elara shot over her shoulder. 

Elara wore a displeased expression on her face as she lowered back down and faced Eda, whatever she had wanted in her hand. “I know you find humor in my stature, Edalyn Clawthorne,” the edge of her mouth twitched in amusement; of the two Rime twins, Mira was the most sensitive about their height. Or lack thereof, Eda mused. “But could you make yourself useful and tell me where you keep your elixirs for the curse now?”

Leaning against the frame, Eda folded her arms over her chest, letting her gaze linger on the sweater she _still_ swears is familiar to her. _Must be because Lily wears similar ones. Wait, didn’t she have one that color? Nah, black is her go-to. Lily is still in her, what did Luz call it? Her goth phase? Whatever that means._

“Why are all the guests in my home so demanding?” She asked incredulously. “Lily says my house is a trash pile, and I’m letting her live here. For _free,_ mind you. Luz wanted my stuff out of her room, the room I was nice enough to give to her. And King is always complaining I never have enough snacks. _Free,_ may I remind you again, they are living here for free!” She exclaims, pointing an accusatory finger at the now seemingly amused healer. “And now here you are, demanding for my elixir.” She huffed, mock-scandalized. “I liked you better when you were bossy about other things, like ‘stop moving my shampoo’ or ‘I know what massages lead to with you, Edalyn Clawthorne, I have to be up for’...whatever it was you needed to be awake _before the sun was to rise_.” _Seriously, what is so important you must rise with the sun? Nothing, that’s what._

The healer, apparently, found what was said to be hilarious, and Elara had to take a deep breath to calm herself, shoulders still shaking from her silent laughter. “And I recall you never did wake me up,” she accused teasingly. “I was meant to be back in Knetwell for the opening of my newest clinic, and I missed it because of you.” 

“Meh, so you missed one little opening. Big deal,” Eda shrugged, a ghost of a grin shaping her lips. “And I don’t recall promising you anything; so, you know, you really only have yourself to blame here.” 

“Oh, so it’s _my_ fault then,” Elara drawls, lips turning up into something that is mostly a smirk- but could be mistaken for a smile if you know where to look. Eda does. “I’ll have to remember that the next time _you_ want something from me.”

“You can try,” Eda grins. “I wish you all the look saying no to the one and only Edalyn Clawthorne, _most_ powerful witch on the Isles, _the_ Owl Lady, _the_ Lord Calamity, _the_ harbinger of destruction.” 

“ _And_ she who is full of herself.” 

“Okay, _ouch._ Uncalled for.” 

“Apologies, Eda dear,” definitely a smirk now, and then Elara sobered, head canting as a thought strikes her, and she chases it; Eda can practically read it in her eyes. She shifted what she held in her hand to set it on the counter at her back; Eda’s eyes landed on it, revealing it to be Lilith’s favorite tea blend. _Floral._ “You can’t feel her, can you?”

Eda blinked and attempted to redirect her gaze to the healer, features twisted in confusion. “Feel who?”

“Lilith,” Elara says a little hesitantly. “Can’t you feel her?”

 _Lily._ Eda straightened, alarm bells beginning to ring in her head. “Why? Is she hurt?” _I knew this wasn’t a good idea._ Her heterochromatic eyes skirted around the room, assessing what they’d need if Lilith was gravely injured. “What will you need? Can you tell how bad it is? How far out is she?” _I never should have let her go alone._

She was just turning to walk away, to meet Lilith wherever she was and carry her the rest of the way, when a hard grip fastened about her wrist, halting her in her tracks. A shudder curled up her spine at the feel of silky skin, burning and soothing where they held fast to her arm. And the cursed form ate it all up. _Traitor! I swear I will fry you up one day._

“Lilith isn’t physically hurt, my love,” Elara’s voice, soft and reassuring. She only smiled and her fingers trailed down Eda’s hand to intertwine their fingers, _knowing_ what she was doing. _Cheater!_ “But her magic has dipped dangerously low and I fear the curse might take the chance to spread its wings,” a huff escaped her lips. “She must have pushed herself to return from The Knee quicker.” 

_She’s fine._ Eda took a deep breath, desperately trying to center the roiling of emotions that the thought of an injured Lilith had set off. _She’s okay._ “Good, good. I,” she started, albeit shakily. “I can’t feel Lilith unless I’m standing pretty close to her,” her voice came out hoarser than she expected; a thumb caressed the back of her hand in comfort. “I thought that without my magic I would be bombarded by it all, that I would feel _everything._ ” She paused, unsure. “Instead, it’s like there’s an invisible wall and I’m on the other side of it. When you enter Bonesborough, it’s a tickle at the back of my mind; it’s not until you’re in the same room as me that I can feel you, even then I don’t think it’s _all_ of you.”

The healer stayed silent, wide-eyed and still, absorbing every word. _Analyzing. Studying. Same old Elara._

A trembling hand rose to comb through white-gray hair, tussling errant flyways into soft ruffled spikes. “I can live with the emptiness that has made itself at home in me,” her eyes slid shut for a brief respite, and when they opened a few seconds later, Elara’s stare was pensive and sad on her. “But I don’t know how much longer I can stand the _silence_ when Lilith isn’t here to combat it.”

“Quiet was never quite your forte, was it?” Elara sighed, head tilting to the side as she broke eye contact, her attention on the door. On _Lilith. Always_ on Lilith. “Everyday we discover something new about the Isles, new spells and potions and elixirs and the very foundations of our magic,” she hummed, the healer swimming up to the surface and pushing Elara down into the depths to drown. “I can understand why I can’t feel you anymore. Your magic is _gone_ ; there’s _nothing_ there to feel, but for you, in return, to be disconnected without close proximity to another is...curious. You should, in your words, be bombarded by the magical signatures of other witches, even weaker ones. You have no defense against them; to not be, there must be more to it.”

“A walking anomaly,” soft, unsure, but there is something tensile about her voice. “Sounds about right.” (“ _Haven’t seen anything like her since the age of the first witches. Our daughter is the most powerful witch on the Isles.”)_

“I’m sorry, my love,” Elara blinks, gold eyes wide, and shakes her head vehemently; all the while gently squeezing the hand interlocked with hers. “I never meant to…”

“S’okay,” It is; she could declare it with honesty these days. Slim shoulders lifted in a half-hearted shrug. “So, yeah, when you figure it out, let me know, ‘kay?” Eda’s hand lifted to wave vaguely in the air, disentangling the other from Elara’s hold. “I’ll take a headache over this any day.”

It’s almost as if her sister knew the perfect moment to stumble in, because when Eda makes it back to the living room, the door swings open again; Lilith’s eyes instinctively seek her out, guilt-ridden orbs locking gazes with her from across the room. Eda looked back at her, face smooth and calm, consciously aware that Lilith’s one cyan eye is now the shame shade of gray as its twin. _Right, the elixir._

It’s easy for Eda to look down her nose at people -Mira taught her that. The other half of Elara had a distinct lack of interest in anyone outside of her twin; at times so did Eda, so why not learn from the best, right? They simper and skitter away, downturn their eyes and slump their shoulders. But if anything, acknowledging the same motions in her once proud sister stirred not the usual sense of accomplishment, but an ache like no other. It makes her so damn angry with her sister. _And_ herself. 

“Edalyn, I-”

“Don’t,” Eda’s voice gave no room for argument. “We’ll talk later, Lilith.” _Oh will we ever, sister dear._

Her gut’s still twisted in knots, anger sitting there like smoldering coals. _How many more secrets will you keep from me?_ Lilith is familiar to the cursed form; it remembers when her sister was there the first year Eda was learning to get a handle on the curse before she vanished from them. So it’s reluctant to bare its fangs in warning at her; the only thing stopping _Eda_ from lashing out was the fact Luz was stirring and clumsily getting to her feet along with the healer behind her, pressing a soft hand against the middle of her back. _Walk away,_ it said. _Walk away_ _before you make a mistake you can’t take back._ She listens, and without a word to her sister, she disappears up the stairs. 

_Take care of her._ A new emptiness blooms in her chest. 

_//_

Lilith winced, a stone dropping heavy in her stomach.

 _Mistake_ , her sister’s eyes had accused her. _You made a mistake._ Of course it was. That was all she was good for, after all. Her entire life was a series of mistakes, a cascade of chain reactions that led to one wrong choice after another. She watched herself make the wrong decisions again and again, and she was powerless to stop it. And she’s done it _again._

She yearns to follow Eda, to fix the hurt she is continuously causing her sister, but -and surprisingly- another comes before her sister for the first time in Lilith’s life. _Luz._

Lilith moved to meet the teen stumbling towards her. There was blood caking Luz’s fingernails, Lilith noted when she was close enough; noticed the dried flecks of blood in Luz’s hair. Had she raked her fingers so hard against her scalp that her nails broke the skin? _Please don’t become me._ The thought was disorienting and winding, and she froze, trying to make sense of the situation while also grasping for some sort of control over her breathing and mental function. _What happened? Who caused this? Was it me?_

There were tears glistening in Luz’s eyes. She looked so lost, her gaze was searching, as if she were trying to find herself in Lilith’s eyes. “Lilith,” she breathed out chokingly, hand releasing the sheet she was clutching to reach out for the older woman. “I’m sorry -I’m so, _so_ sorry.”

 _Sorry?_ Lilith opened her mouth to speak, and she caught the life returning in the soft mahogany eyes as she lifted her own hand and slipped her fingers between Luz’s trembling ones. It’s all the physical comfort she can muster for the teen; not certain she’ll ever be comfortable for anything else. Her mouth works for a few minutes without any actual words emerging. _Why are you sorry?_

A soft hiss has a set of gray eyes lowering down to the cobra nestled on Luz's shoulder, dark eyes boring into Lilith. If it was here, that meant...there's a brush of warmth against her; Lilith shot a frantic glance over at the healer leant against the entryway into kitchen, remaining close but far enough away to give Lilith a semblance of privacy. Elara returned her look with a reassuring smile. Of course, Lilith surmised. Of course she was here -if Edalyn trusted anyone with her life it was Elara Rime; it only makes sense she'd also trust Luz in her hands. As Lilith has. And there's no doubt now Edalyn knows of their secret.

“Lilith?”

It was whisper soft; Lilith would have missed it if she weren’t standing so close to the teen. Her head whirls back around, and then those wide, pleading eyes are on her, and all Lilith can do is stare. She was in silent comprehension, trying to piece together the reason Luz is apologizing to her. _She hadn’t done anything wrong._ If anything, Lilith was...clarity broke through the fog of her muddled thoughts.

 _I’m sorry Eda will be mad at you. It’s all my fault_ , that look on her face seems to say, and Lilith clenches her hold a little tighter on the hand in hers. If this was the tipping point where Lilith loses her sister for good, so be it. _So be it._ As much as it would hurt, like being repeatedly drowned in water cold as ice, she would face it. Luz was worth it. She was worth it all. 

“No, Luz,” she swore vehemently. Luz hung onto her every word like it was her lifeline, as if she were fighting an endless war, and Lilith’s voice alone immediately eviscerated all the demons inside her. “This is not your fault. This will _never_ be your fault, okay? _I_ never should have kept this from Edalyn. _I_ never should have left without telling you first. I am to blame for this.” 

“No- I,” one of Luz’s trembling hands, the one not caught in Lilith’s, was tugging on the lapel of Lilith’s winter coat, the thick black material wrinkling in her tight hold as she weakly shoves Lilith. “You can’t take the blame all the time, Lilith. I’m as much part of it as you are.”

Lilith halted the shoving with her freehand; it cautiously rested atop Luz’s. “No.” Lilith was being propelled by a most familiar sensation. An instinct. Born from the moment she laid eyes on Edalyn and swore on her life she’d keep her sister safe. She failed her in the end, but she’d do everything in her power not to fail Luz as well. “It’s okay, Luz. You’re okay. As long I breathe, no one will ever hurt you again. No blame will ever lie on your shoulders. _This_ I can promise you.” _I won’t fail you._

Luz shuddered as she drew in a shaky breath and shoved again, once, twice, each push weaker and weaker than the last, until she ceased. But she didn’t waver in her resolve, mahogany eyes reflecting a warmth that erased all the heavy battle scars Lilith bore and flooded her with serenity, the feeling much like ice on a burn. It was, she realized, not dissimilar to the way Edalyn makes her feel. How Elara can ease the pain with a stunning smile thrown her way. 

There’s more Luz wants to say, an array of disagreements in her eyes, but Lilith’s gaze lands on her sister heading back down the stairs with the elixir in hand. She’s instantly aware of the curse humming beneath her skin. _Time’s up._

"I'm here now," she promises softly. She steps away from Luz, hands slipping free. "You're safe."

//

“Here.”

The golden elixir is thrusted between them, and Luz’s startled enough that she wants to take an instinctive step back but she’s wrapped up in Eda’s arms before she gets the chance to. The hug is tight enough to make her squeak in surprise, and her arms flail a little before she wraps them around Eda in return. The comforting weight on her shoulder slithers over her shoulder, a flick in her ear confirming to her Asa has slid over to rest on Eda's shoulder now, offering his constant comfort and safety to the older witch. Out of the corner of her eye, she catches Elara coaxing Lilith by the hand into the kitchen to give them some privacy. There’s more to say to Lilith, but the flicker of pain in Eda’s eyes silenced her concerns for now with Lilith and settled its sights on her mentor. 

“I’m sorry, Eda,” Luz mumbles into the cotton-clad shoulder, and sobs at the kiss that’s pressed to her temple. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong for you. I tried _so_ hard-”

“Ssh,” Eda just cradles the back of her head with one hand and exhales slowly. “What are you even saying, kid? You’re the strongest witch I know.” Eda pulls back enough for Luz to see her face, a proud half-grin tugging on her lips, and Luz wrinkles her nose in response because _do you not realize who you’re talking to?!_

“I- what…” Luz starts, and then stops. Blinks. Stares. “Eda, I’m not even a witch.” It’s a painful admission. “I can’t do magic like you ca-” _could._ There are silent, unnoticed tears trailing down her cheeks, a fresh wave of guilt blooming in her chest. _You can’t do magic because I was too weak to help you._

“You’re your own witch, Luz,” Eda’s voice is soft but _proud,_ and her fingers are carefully catching at least half a dozen droplets beneath her eyes as her lips shape a small, wry grin. “In fact, I am so damn proud to say my kid is the strongest witch on the Isles.” 

“But I’m the reason you lost your magic,” she whispers, and feels her throat close up at the way Eda’s staring at her in absolute wonder. Like Luz wasn’t a burden to care for. “I couldn’t heal you. I couldn’t-”

“Kid,” Eda says, and then takes a breath. “You followed an owl -a very adorable, one that- into an unknown world, aided King and I when you could’ve just found another way home, and then you stayed on the Isles because you wanted to make one of your dreams come true,” she whispers it with complete, aching wonder in her voice. “You found a way to learn magic all on your own, single handedly insured the kids at Hexside can study any track they desire, and made a set of friends that will lay down their lives for you.”

Something breaks in Luz in that moment, but it’s in a good way. It’s so strong that it sends her crumbling to her knees, and when Eda drops down with her, Luz clutches desperately onto her mentor’s sweater. Her heart was fluttering against her chest, like a bird in a cage, and it washed away all the terrorizing voices. 

Eda continued on, “You went up against _Belos._ Chipped a piece of his mask all by yourself. You went up against him with your newfound magic and kicked his Titan loving ass.” She exhales through her nose, nostrils flaring, letting the point settle. “You’re _not_ weak, Luz. If all of that doesn't make you the strongest witch I know, then what the hell does it mean to be powerful?" She smirks. "Besides, you're _my kid,_ and no kid of mine will ever be weak. _Nothing_ will ever change that for me, you got it?” 

_You’re not weak._ If something broke in Luz before, it absolutely _shatters_ now. She just _cries_...completely without sound. Great, heaving, silent sobs with her fingers curled in Eda’s sweater and her eyes tightly shut. And Eda’s wrapping an arm around the teen and pulling her forward until she’s resting her head against the front of her mentor’s shoulder; she’s rocking and shushing and comforting and just trying to be there. And that quickly growing familiar weight has settled back on her shoulder, a careful set of flicks in her ear a comfort she doesn't think she could live without now. 

“I love you, Luz,” she is holding Luz so tightly and so gently all at once, and Luz cries a little harder when Eda presses her face into Luz’s hair, because Eda sounded so maternal that it’s actually kind of breaking her heart. “I love you so much. Don’t think I could go another day without you in my life.”

Eda loved her. After all that Luz has put her through, what she has cost her, Eda still loved her. For the first time, she let it sink in. She let it envelope her with an all too familiar comfort and the relief of the feeling had tears pricking at the back of her eyes. _She loves me. She still loves me._

 _I love you too._ The words were a jumble in her mind, and she was struggling to choose what to say. _Please don’t ever make me leave._ She couldn’t voice them past the clog in her throat, but Eda didn’t need them; she clutched Luz tighter to her. _I love you. I love you._

Luz eased back, hands still clutching her mentor's sweater. "I've been keeping something from you," and she wilts a little. _Like that isn't obvious, Noceda._

A soft touch under her chin has her eyes lifting, the anguish slowly giving way to glimmers of hope, rays of warmth breaking free in Luz's chest as Eda's soft, _soft_ gaze meets hers. "I'm here, kid," she promises in the same tone as Lilith from moments ago. "Help me understand you; I _want_ to understand you."

Luz wants her to understand her, too. This give, this small, barely there admission, it was a step towards something. Something that could be _real._

"Okay."

//

The elixir leaves an odd taste on Lilith’s tongue. She rolls the emptied bottle on the table’s surface with her fingers, eyes on the other woman in the kitchen with her from her seated position. The curse is still too close to the surface, the wretched creature rumbling in her head. It -because this isn’t _Lilith’s_ doing- tracked Elara like a predator as she sauntered around Edalyn’s space as if it was her own, motions sure as she opens drawers and cabinets. It’s not long before a kettle is set on the stove and a flame sparks to life with a flick of the healer’s wrist. 

“Well,” Elara hummed into the silence, facing Lilith and back leant against the counter. “It’s been quite the eventful evening, hasn’t it?”

Eyes narrowed, Lilith gives her a long, blank look. “Very insightful, dear.” 

Elara waves her off. “Forgive me if I’m not feeling particularly articulate, love,” she flashes a small smile; it’s soft and tired. “It has already been a day _before_ I was awakened to this whole…” Her hand vaguely gestures in the air. “Problematic situation.”

 _Problematic situation._ The nicest way of saying one of Lilith’s mistakes has finally caught up with her. _I should have just told Edalyn from the start._ “I’m sorry,” Lilith pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes tight. “I never should have gotten you involved in this.” 

“I don’t mind,” Elara assures. “I’ll always be here for you. And now for Luz. Don’t let this shortcoming affect what you’ve done for her. You did the _right_ thing bringing her to me.” 

“Did I make the right choice?” Lilith set her elbows on her thighs and held her head in her hands, fingers angled sharply into her scalp. Her shoulders hiked for a moment before she straightened. “I won’t regret bringing Luz to you; she has flourished since she’s been in your care, I will not deny that. _But_ ,” frustration was around the edges of the word, in the tightness of her tired features as her hands slid to drape the back of her neck, head lowered, chin near her chest. “I knew what she meant to Edalyn. _Everything_. She is everything to my sister, _her child_ ; yet here I was, once again, keeping something from her that affected her.” _I haven’t changed._

Now it’s Elara’s turn to draw a blank look, watching her with a quiet sort of stillness as those eyes exposed secrets Lilith preferred to be kept locked away. “And what else have you kept from Eda that has affected her?” Her voice is low and quiet, treading carefully. _Knowing._

Lilith couldn’t respond to that. _Tell her. Tell her. Tell her._ But she won’t; shuts the thought down immediately. Elara might belong with Edalyn, but Lilith doesn’t want to risk losing what she does have with her. 

In response, Elara pursed her lips into a thin line, a brief flare of anguish in her eyes. Lilith wants to avert her gaze, though she knows it’s pointless in the end; she can’t ever hope to escape those eyes. And knowing Lilith will not answer now, she changes tactics, “Listen, Lily dear, this is a good thing for Luz.” She canted her head, a sigh in her words. “I don’t like how it’s come to be, but not talking about it to Eda has only made matters worse for her. Least now the air can be cleared and they can breathe easier together.”

“I-” Lilith stilled. _Can they? What if the sting of betrayal damages what they have?_

“Lilith,” Elara said slowly; it snapped Lilith out of her thoughts momentarily. “This isn’t your fault. Do not blame yourself.”

 _No._ Lilith shut her eyes, head bent. “Yes, it is,” she gritted out in a defeated sigh. “I haven’t changed in the slightest, have I? You know what I did, don’t you?” _That’s_ as close as she’ll get to admitting the curse. She chuckled humorlessly; she didn’t need to look at the healer to know a quiet despair is in her eyes. “Edalyn always gets _hurt_ because of me. I never should have come back into her life. I should’ve stayed away.”

“Oh, love. No-”

“ _Yes!_ ” Lilith bit out, wincing at the implications of her own words. “I hurt her. I can’t _not_ hurt-”

She trails to a spluttering stop, feeling a pair of warm, gentle hands coaxing her to lift her head; Elara’s eyes are affixed on her, a soft assuring smile on her lips that made Lilith’s heart stutter in her chest. It appeared the healer had soundlessly crossed the room and was now kneeling beside her. "Don't you dare ever think Edalyn is better off without you. She _missed_ you, Lilith. It was like being crushed by an ocean made of everything that was missing from her." She replied softly. "You may not be twins, but the connection you two share is as close to one that I've ever seen with a pair of sisters; she'll take a life of pain if it means you'll stay by her side. Her equal. Her family. Her reason for living." 

"Don't say that," Lilith heard the fragility in her voice -was that a whimper? _I'm not Edalyn's equal._ "I can't be her reason for living; all I can offer her is a life of pain if I stay, and I can't keep doing that to her." _I don't even come close it._

"Too bad, love," Elara made an irritated noise, a smile that was equal measures soft and wry. "We all hurt the ones we love; it can't be helped, but it's what we do to make amends that matters. Mistakes will be made; forgiveness will be given. That is our nature, and we must accept it as a part of us."

Lilith bit back a sob. “I can’t ever be forgiven for what I’ve done.” _I cursed my sister. Unforgivable. A monster._

“Says who, you or Eda?” Elara replied carefully, still cupping her face with one hand, thumb wiping away at the single tear that fell. “Don’t lie this blame squarely on your own shoulders, love. Luz and I are just as equally guilty in keeping this a secret from Eda.” Her soft smile thinned into a line. _“I told you so_ never felt so dissatisfying in my life.”

Lilith briefly smiled despite herself, unconsciously leaning into the contact; she didn’t want to fight it tonight. “Don’t act like you don’t like being right,” she murmured. “You warned us something like this would happen, and I _still_ thought leaving it up to Luz was the right thing.” 

“It was a thin line we were all teetering on,” Elara ventured softly. “It always is.” 

“I still should ha- _what_ are you doing?”

When Elara looked up at her, their faces were only inches away, because the healer was sliding one leg over Lilith’s. “It looks I'm going to be a minute here, so I’m just getting comfortable.” She straddled the darker haired witch’s lap like she belonged there, and without a conscious thought Lilith’s hands grasped her hips. Elara places her arms on her shoulders and links her hands behind Lilith’s head, bumping their foreheads together gently as she makes a little sound in the back of her throat. “Much, _much_ better. Now, where were we?”

The cursed form purred at the contact with the healer, while Lilith short-circuited with the brunt of the warmth from the other woman; her magic thick and heady in the air to Lilith’s heightened senses. She caught whiffs of Edalyn’s scent on Elara; the curse reacted in a way that Lilith wasn’t particularly keen on, but she’s distracted from it by the melodic voice caressing her ears. 

“I want you to listen very carefully to me, Lilith Clawthorne,” Elara hums, her breath ghosting over Lilith’s face. “This isn’t your fault, understand me? Secrets are never meant to stay secrets forever, and that little girl in there made her choices; she must now face the consequences of those choices, just as we all do.”

Lilith stilled, opened her mouth, but then settled on a sigh and leaned further back in the seat to create some distance between them. “You’re right. I _know_ you’re right,” Lilith muttered. “Doesn’t stop me from wanting to…”

“Take on Eda’s wrath yourself because you love her,” of course Elara humored her with a small twitch of her mouth, though she kept her expression fairly neutral. “Because you have this complex where you need to take the pain and the blame and the guilt from your loved ones and shoulder the burden yourself. Because as long as they’re safe and happy, you’ll take on their pain without uttering a sound. Because you don’t think you deserve happiness.” She paused. “Am I wrong?”

“No,” Lilith remarked sullenly. “Why can’t you be wrong for once in your life?” _Do I deserve happiness? I can’t possibly._

Elara put her hands up in surrender. “It’s a gift,” she chirped, and then resettled her arms in their previous position. “And I just _know_ you, Lilith. It’s par for the course when you love someone.”

 _Love._ Gold eyes steady; they’re gentle, and soft, and warm. And hearing that word not as term of endearment fall off of her tongue is a slip of fear down Lilith’s spine, like being punched and knocked flat; her tongue wraps around the word in all the ways the dark crevices in Lilith’s heart ache to respond to. It’s false, the feeling; not Elara’s love -the healer has genuine love for all she holds dear to her. But this cloying ache isn’t real, and Lilith has to consciously remind herself of it. _Do not become prey to its lulling effects._

Lilith hadn’t noticed when her shoulders had squared and her back had tightened. She looks away from Elara, jaw tense, before she exhales. The turn the discussion could delve into wasn’t one she was all that inclined to hear, and in a borderline desperate attempt to move the conversation elsewhere, she muttered the first thing she could think of, “You do realize I’m not Edalyn, correct?” She indicates what she meant by gently squeezing the other woman’s hips. She flicks her gaze back, a brow quirking. “Or a chair, at that.”

The healer’s eyes crinkle at the edges. “Do people generally get the two of you mixed up?” 

Lilith blinks, dumbfounded. “Well, no-”

“Then _why_ would _I_?” With that, Elara reaches up and brushes a stray lock from her forehead. The action, if Lilith thought about it, is so expected and so _like_ Elara, but Lilith doesn’t know how to react to it all the same. Doesn’t know why that brief touch feels like a caress or why she can feel her heart skip a beat. It's _just_ a touch. It shouldn't have the power to stir emotions in her. 

“I -uh,” Lilith Clawthorne does _not_ stumble over her words (she does, but she’d die before she’d ever admit it aloud). “Tonight’s a night of spilled secrets, apparently,” she mumbles, nearly choking to get the words out. “Have anything to offer, dear?” 

“I could, _but_...hm.” A sly smile shaped Elara’s mouth. “I don’t think you’re ready for that, love.”

Lilith snorted, unimpressed. “Come now, I think I can handle whatever you throw at me.”

Again, Elara appeared eerily neutral. “Oh? What makes you so sure I have a secret to share anyway?”

“Everyone has secrets, Elara,” Lilith confessed quietly. “You’d always been practically an open-book when we were growing up, and though I want to say that hasn’t changed, it _has._ And I can’t figure out _what_ that is.”

Elara sat very still as she deliberated, her eyes never averting from the heterochromatic pair watching the miniscule shifts in her expression. “You know I don’t like secrets. Never have; never will,” she shook her head and blew out an uneven breath before letting her hand drift through Lilith’s hair. “But I’ve learned in my profession they’re sometimes necessary to protect my patients, and if it has to come down to doing something I hate, I will do it in a heartbeat to keep them _safe._ ” 

Against her better judgement, Lilith drew the healer closer against her, unable to deny the rush of adrenaline surging through her veins by the sheer warmth emitting from the smaller woman. “What do you mean?” Her hands skimmed up the healer’s back, the cursed form’s rumbles a touch louder in her head at the mere thought of its _mate -not your mate, you wretched beast. She’s Edalyn’s-_ was in danger in any shape or form. “Are you being threatened? Has something happened before? _Why didn’t you say anything?_ ”

When one of Lilith’s hands reached the base of her neck, Elara inhaled sharply and caught her by the wrist. Lilith doesn’t fight it when Elara guides her wrist back down to curl around the healer’s waist. “Hush now, love,” she whispers softly, closing her hand around Lilith’s fingers. “You have nothing to worry about. I can promise you that right now I’m fine.” 

Lilith felt her eyebrows knitting together, lips pressing in a thin line. She watched her, waiting. “Are you certain?”

“Mm,” the healer’s reply was noncommittal, the fingers of the hand not around Lilith’s flitting over the skin of Lilith’s neck. She let loose a smirk, one that sent shivers down Lilith’s spine. She leant closer. “You wanted a secret, okay, would you like to know what your whole knight in shining armor act does to me?” 

_“What?!”_ Lilith blurted, the sound shrill to her ears. She abruptly leaned further away from the healer, the chair dangerously teetering back slightly and nearly bucking the smaller woman off of her. She only managed to keep Elara in her lap by tightening her hold on her, her nails digging into her skin through her sweater. She’s vaguely aware of the pained hiss in her ear before a chuckle caresses the sensitive skin. “ _Knight in shining armor?_ What kind of _nonsense_ is that?”

“My, my, my,” Elara snorted, covering her mouth with one hand in an unladylike attempt at elegance. “What’s got you so defensive, love? Does the thought of being my knight bother you that much?”

When Lilith had regained her bearings, she answered. “No, that’s not- I mean, it’s- _where did you even learn that?_ ” She pinched the bridge of her nose, answering her own question. “It was _Luz,_ wasn’t it?”

Elara eased her hand away. “Oh yes,” she purred, and the wretched beast rumbled its own purr in response. “She was so precious when she told me about how you remind her of a knight. It’s quite cute watching her gush over you.” 

Lilith scoffed. “I hate you.” It was weak; hard to focus on anything besides how embarrassingly mortified she was. “You’re an insufferable brat.” _Just like Edalyn. Trouble, the both of you._

“Shame,” the healer whispered, hands on both sides of Lilith’s jaw, thumbs stroking her face. Elara’s eyes searched hers for a moment before a sudden, addictive warmth stole through Lilith’s body, the cursed form screaming at her to _claim_ what should be _hers._ It’s a new sensation, one Lilith doesn’t like, and she has to clench her jaw at the whine that threatens to roll off her tongue as Elara presses their foreheads together. “Because I love you,” her nose nudged Lilith’s. “So, _so_ much.”

The beast thrashes and howls. _Claim. Now._ It’s almost by instinct the way her body sought out the warmth of the smaller woman’s body, her hands drawing her in impossibly closer against her. Neither of them expected the feral growl that erupted from the back of Lilith’s throat, and Elara’s brows hiked upwards, eyes wide and dark with an emotion Lilith can’t name at the moment. All Lilith knew was she had to sink her teeth into her. The beast roared inside her. _Claim. Claim. Claim._

_Mine._

An intense wave of shame floods Lilith, because _Elara_ belonged with _Edalyn._ Not _her_ ; _never_ her. The beast screams in anguish. _“No.”_ And the rejection startled them both. Heart constricting, Lilith abruptly stood, mindful of Elara as she eased her into the chair Lilith was previously occupying, creating a distance between her and the healer. _What in the Titan’s name had gotten into me?_ The cursed form whined at the loss of Elara’s heat; Lilith used it to center herself. _That was unacceptable. She isn’t an object to claim._

She needed to get away from her. 

The kettle screeching was a good excuse as any, and Lilith walked forward to the stove slowly, her boots loud in the otherwise silence encroaching in around them. She doesn’t stumble, doesn’t look back. She’s barely holding herself together, shoulders lifting and falling as she breathes deeply through her nose and out through her mouth. She’s removed the kettle off the heat by the time that addictive warmth floods her veins again, catching the healer out of her peripheral. 

For the first time since she’s known the other woman, Elara is hesitant to touch her; it’s for the best, as Lilith’s cursed form can’t be trusted around the healer. Elara’s hand is held out as if to reach for Lilith; she doesn’t say anything for a while. She just bites her lip and studies her own hand, turning it over a few times and finally clenching it before letting it drop to her side. 

“Lilith,” discomfort colored Elara’s voice; Lilith felt a twinge of guilt that she was the cause of it. “Did I hurt you? I can’t…”

 _What?!_ Lilith’s head snapped to the side, eyes wide. Disbelieving. “What?” She echoed her thoughts. “ _No,_ of course not.” _You couldn’t possibly hurt me._

“Oh,” is the reply, but there’s an uncomfortable tightness in Elara’s voice even if she’s smiling. “I’m well aware this isn’t something you like to talk about, and you might take full advantage of it anyways.” Then she’s opening the cabinet above her and pulling out two mugs, and she doesn’t utter another word until after she’s poured the hot water over the tea leaves she sets in the mugs to be steeped. She ends up lingering there for several heartbeats, with her gaze fixed on it and her fingers tapping against the handle of her own mug. Finally she sighs. “I’m going to be honest with you; I’m not used to this, and I don’t know whether I’m pleased about it or slightly miffed.” 

“Not used to what?” Lilith asks helplessly. It’s almost comical to her, the role reversal. Lilith is the one most commonly keeping her eyes averted from the other woman, while Elara prods at her to open up until she’s nestled inside Lilith’s heart. Now Elara is looking everywhere _but_ at her, like there’s something there she can’t handle the sight of. _Is it the cursed form? Did she see what it wants?_

“I can’t,” Elara starts and then stops with a sigh as her head drops back. She stares up at the ceiling, fingers still tapping against the handle of the mug; she keeps drawing her lower lip between her teeth and then releasing it again as she seems to gather her thoughts. “I can’t read you, Lilith. The curse is drowning you out right now.” She straightens, and then there’s a pained smile on her lips when their eyes meet. “I’m asking you to tell me what’s going on within you, because I need to know if I’ve done something wrong.”

Lilith blinks at her; wide-eyed and looking startled. “You can’t read me.” She echoed slowly, the syllables drawn out as if hearing them in her own voice would make any more sense to her. Because when had Elara ever been able to _not_ dig into Lilith’s soul with a mere glance? _Never._ “As in you can’t see me at all?"

“That’s what I said, yes,” Elara chuckles wanly.

“Oh.”

That earns her a _rather_ incredulous look, and it takes a few seconds before the healer speaks again. “Yes, Lily dear, _oh._ ” 

“And because you can’t,” Lilith says slowly. “You want me to tell you.”

“Yes,” she scowls jokingly, and then almost smiles when Lilith looks at her with the same incredulous expression. “Obviously, you don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable, love,” she intones, and ceases her tapping to jab a finger in Lilith’s direction. “I can wait until the curse returns to its slumber.” 

Lilith knows Elara is at least halfway joking. She can hear it in her voice, but…

She also sounds _lost. Elara_ was _lost._

It's the final nail in the coffin. “Alright.” Lilith curls her fingers around her mug and lifts it. She doesn’t drink from it; just holds it in front of her chest as if it’s some kind of shield, and leans her hip against the counter and stares at Elara. “To clarify, it’s nothing you’ve done,” she admits, albeit reluctantly. _Uncomfortable._ “It’s just the curse wants…” and then she trails off, teeth sinking into the inside of her cheek. _It wants to drag you off into its nest and claim you like the wretched creature it is._ But she can’t say _that._ Instead she settles for, “It wants to mark you.” _Safe and simple._ She takes a careful sip of her tea...

Elara just stares. “Oh.” She blinks. “And you don’t?”

...and has to whirl her head away from the other woman as she spits it out, lest she wanted to douse the other woman in the liquid. Immediately, Elara’s lips shape into an almost devilish smile, and those very gold eyes are glinting. “Something I said?”

And Lilith squeaks, then coughs, then squeaks again, but at least the second time around she does manage to get a few words in there, too. _"_ _No!”_ She all but whimpers, practically choking out the words as she slams her mug down on the counter. “You’re not some object to be claimed, Elara. _No one_ has the right to just mark you like that.” 

Then she’s under the full weight of Elara’s stare for long, silent, searching moments. All wide with a look in them that’s both breathless and open and aching and completely overflowing with gratitude and love, and Lilith somehow manages not to falter under it. at least, not immediately. 

There's a few more seconds of that steady, soft gaze -enough of them that Lilith feels her face start to heat up- but Elara eventually closes her eyes, that soft look vanishing behind her eyelids. "You make it so hard, love." Elara riddles. 

Lilith’s gut twisted, but her ears perked. Elara’s tone was soft and distant. She looked at the other woman carefully, searching for any sign as to what the healer could mean. _I make what hard?_ But she won’t ask. 

"It's different with your sister," it's not quite an accusation, and it's not truly aimed at Lilith either. And then gold eyes flutter open, a burning curiosity within them. "With Eda, I can still read her and see the cursed form," she steeples her hands together and points her two index fingers at Lilith. "As if they're one in the same. In harmony, if you would."

Lilith doesn't like the sound of that. "Perhaps it's because Edalyn has dealt with the curse longer than I." 

"Perhaps," Elara echoed. "You, on the other hand, are at war with the cursed form; with your magic still recovering, it's given it a chance to somewhat overpower you." She releases her hands and curls her fingers into claws, bolstered enough to let a hint of a tease shade her tone. "There's a lot of growling and other sounds I'm not particularly fluent in." 

"Believe me," Lilith replied flatly. "It's for the best you're not." 

"Why, my dear Lilith," Elara's eyes drilled into Lilith, challenging. "Is it for the best? Is there more to it than just an instinct to mark?"

 _Yes_. "No." She said instead. _Mate_. "There isn't-"

“-and then Gus dared me to find the center of gravity of- _oh,_ ” whatever Lilith might have said was silenced as those soft gold eyes flickered away from her and gravitated to Luz, who came into their line of sight with Edalyn’s arm thrown over her shoulders -Elara's palisman is atop her sister's head, and Lilith is purposely averting her eyes from the miscreant. Luz's mahogany eyes bounced between them. “Um, are we interrupting something?”

Elara smiles. Gently. Sadly. Both. “Of course not, sweetie. How are you feeling now?”

“Oh,” Luz mumbles. She sounds very much like a shy child; Lilith melts at the sound of it, as do the other two women. The arm that Edalyn’s slung over Luz’s shoulders tightens its hold briefly, a kiss landing on her temple that Luz leans into. “Much better, thank you. I’m sorry you had to come all the way out here.” She scrunches her shoulders up to her ears. “You’re probably pretty tired.”

“Don’t worry, sweetie,” the healer chuckles, and gives her a fond look. “You’re my patient and the cutest little thing I’ve ever seen; it’s never any trouble if you need me.”

Luz’s features scrunched cutely. “Still-”

“Save your breath, kid,” Edalyn piped up, voice soft. “Trust me on this one; she’s in healer mode, which means she’s going to ignore your apologies and insist she’s fine.” 

“That,” Elara tells her with a huff. “Is not nice, Edalyn.”

“Consider it payback for earlier, shortstack.”

Lilith blinked, unsure if she heard correctly. “Tell me you don’t seriously still call her that,” her fingers twitched at her side at the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. “What are you, ten?”

“Hey.” Edalyn mock-glares at her as she grins unrepentantly. “You’re just upset I thought of it first.” 

Lilith rolled her eyes. “Absolutely not,” she deadpans. “It’s childish, Edalyn.”

“The only childish one around here is you, sister dear,” there’s a bite to her words, a subtle reminder she’s still upset with her sister. 

“Eda!” Luz reprimands her, and Edalyn only mildly shoots her an apologetic glance in response. 

_Right._ Like a skittish bird, Lilith felt she would take flight at the slightest provocation; she forced herself to calm. There were still so many questions, so many things to clear up, but at least Edalyn wasn’t looking at her like she wanted to throw her sister out on the curve. It soothed the stings of her burn, cooling and healing. For tonight, it would need to be enough. 

So caught up in her thoughts, Lilith failed to notice the smaller woman sidling up closer to her side, and then blinked in surprise when her hand was caught. Her gaze peers down at Elara, and while she does release her grasp on Lilith’s hand, she also catches her fingers on her own for as long as possible; skin sliding gently over skin until the very tips of their fingers have to part. And so caught up in Elara, she fails to notice another set of eyes assessing them, a realization dawning in their gaze. 

“So,” Edalyn’s voice crashes into Lilith’s ears, and she jumps slightly. A soft chuckle from the healer -so low only Lilith can hear it- ignites a light flush on her cheeks. “Sleeping arrangements? Mama is whooped and ready for some shut-eye.”

“Sleeping arrangements?” Lilith echoed, brows furrowed. “Why do we need sleeping arrangements?”

“Shortstack is staying the night.” Edalyn said it like it was the most obvious thing on the Isles. 

Lilith’s ‘She is?’ is uttered at the exact same moment as Elara’s ‘I am?’, and both women have identical expressions of confusion on their faces that immediately shift to identical scowls because Edalyn and Luz are laughing so hard their entire bodies are shaking from it. 

Elara merely rolls her eyes in good nature, and as slighted as she feels, Lilith decides this is infinitely better than the anger she can picture clearly in her sister’s eyes. Even if it is happening at her expense. 

“The tiny healer can bunk with me,” Edalyn manages to get out as she winds down slowly, and wipes at her eyes with another chuckle. “My nest is big enough for two to sleep comfortably anyway.” 

Lilith felt her eye twitch. “I hardly doubt Elara wants to sleep in a nest, Edalyn.”

“Meh,” Edalyn shrugged, waving her off, but there is a sharpness in her eyes as she watches her. “Won’t be the first time she’s crashed in my nest.” 

The beast wasn’t too pleased with that answer, hissing in Lilith’s head to slaughter the competition. _Mine,_ it growled lowly. _Mate. Mine._ She wants to silence it, but winds up just glowering at her sister instead. She won’t rebuke Edalyn’s suggestion. If Elara has slept in her nest before and is fine with it now, what right does Lilith have to be against it? _None._

“Oh!” Like the ball of pure energy she is, Luz exclaimed with a loud squeal, her smile bright and cheerful compared to what it had been from before. One thing Lilith adored about her was her ability to bounce back. _Nothing like me._ “She can share with me! We can have our very own girls’ night! We can paint each other’s nails and talk about boys. Well, girls as well, of course.” 

“Not usually one to dissuade you, kid,” Eda counters, and then she yawns. “But you need actual _sleep_ tonight. Gonna have to say no to any slumber party shenanigans.”

Luz pouted. “But Eda…”

“Nope,” Eda says, letting the syllable pop. “Your cute, little eyes won’t work on me this time. If shortstack doesn’t mind bunking with you, I’m fine with it. But I hear one peep out of you and she’s moving in with me, got it?”

And then Luz turns those large, pleading eyes on Elara, and if the smaller woman wasn’t soft for children already, she would’ve been for Luz’s pout. “Elara?”

“Fine by me,” Elara hums, mirth shimmering in her eyes by Luz's overexaggerated facial expression. “I actually wanted a chance to look you over anyway. You’ve been under quite a bit of stress these last few days.” 

“Great, it’s been decided then,” Edalyn removes her arm from Luz’s shoulders and stretches it over her head, while Luz scampers out of the kitchen, muttering something about making her room more presentable for the healer. “You fine with that, Lily?” And then those sharp eyes are on Lilith, a cat-like grin shaping her sister’s lips. “Unless you wanted Elara to room with _you_ tonight, hm? Get all cozy in your little bed with her?”

“I don’t like what you’re implying, Edalyn.” Lilith hissed, feeling her face beginning to warm. 

“Why? Because I might be _right_?”

“Okay you two,” Elara half-tittered. “That’s enough.” She reached out and caught Lilith’s chin between her thumb and forefinger, drawing her down so she could press a soft kiss to her cheek. “Thank you for talking to me,” she breathed against her skin, and then spoke louder as she pulled away. “So, Edalyn, do you have anything I can wear?”

“I’m _so_ glad you asked.” And Edalyn’s smirk spelt trouble. 

//

Luz was surrounded by blissful silence and felt deeply relaxed and strangely weightless.

A heady combination of Lilith’s return home and Elara’s magic infusing the entirety of the Owl House in its warmth and comfort has, for the time being, devoid Luz of the ghosts lurking in the shadows of her mind. But they’ll be back; Luz has accepted they won’t ever stay away for long, but she has adapted to live around them, even if sometimes it grows to be too much for her. She’s not the same Luz who came to the Isles; she might not ever be, but this is as close to her she has ever been, and it’s _such_ a comfort to know that no matter how tiny the fragments, someone will be there to help her pick up the pieces. _I’m not alone._

 _Why didn’t I just let Eda in?_ Lying flat on her back and staring at the ceiling, or more accurately, through it, Luz sighed deeply, listening to the soft whispers of the three women on the other side of her cracked door. Eda’s cracking jokes at her sister’s expense; Luz can hear it in her tone, even if she can’t exactly make out the words, while Lilith sounds like she’s seconds away from strangling her sister, a snarl in her voice. And Elara seems to be playing peacekeeper, but she’s _also_ subtly provoking Eda on, if her sly tone was anything to go by, because Elara _loves_ when Lilith’s all flustered. _“It’s cute,”_ she always tells her; Luz can’t disagree. 

_Because you were afraid._ Luz let the thought filter through her mind, breathing in the scent of the night’s fresh air as it filled the room through the partially open window. _Afraid to be weak in front of her._ Illumination came from the lone sphere of Luz’s light spell, floating aimlessly in the room with the night breeze; it bathed the bed, but left the rest of the room in shadows. _Afraid you would lose her, because Eda means the world to you; without her, you would be left adrift._

“So, girls’ night. How does it work?”

Luz blinked, surprised at the melodic voice; mahogany eyes flicked to where the healer stood, the door clicking closed behind her. “You’ve never had a girls’ night?” 

“Years ago,” Elara shrugged, nonchalant. “I can’t recall the last time I’ve had a sleepover.”

Luz rolled onto her side, lifting her head to rest her cheek on the palm of her hand. She hadn’t bothered to pull her sheets up earlier, so they tickled the exposed skin of her ankles. Her typical sleepwear of a tanktop and shorts clung to her balmy skin. “That’s blasphemy,” her voice lacked its usual cheer; she was too tired, and Elara wasn’t someone she had to pretend to be happy at all hours of the day around. “My friends and I have one every Saturday. Unless someone’s sick, of course; then we postpone until they’re better, and then we celebrate by eating their favorite snacks and watching their favorite movies.”

Elara tilted her head, eyes bright in the darkness of the room, and Luz gave her a once-over, failing to keep the snicker she feels tickling the back of her throat at bay at the black, silk nightgown Luz’s certain is Eda’s way of getting a rise out of Lilith. Because Elara’s _never_ donned _black_ apparel before, but _Lilith_ does. Because it’s sole purpose was to draw the eyes to the curvature of the wearer’s figure, which meant Eda _knows. And she isn’t holding anything back it seems._

 _What_ Luz would have given to see Lilith’s face when Elara walked out in _that. Pfft._

The healer crossed the room in complete silence, a sway in her hips that even stoic Lilith Clawthorne would have been weak in the knees at the sight of. _Not holding back at all_. She climbs into the bed and mirrors Luz’s pose, her faint smile effortlessly curling into a smirk. “It’s not to say I haven’t indulged in sleepovers,” she says, still thinking over her next words with a soft hum. “Mine just so happens to be a bit more... _adult_ is all.”

“Adult,” Luz echoed the word, rolling it around on her tongue as the dots connected. _Oh._ _“Dios!”_ Luz couldn’t help but call back in a shriek; the blood pounding in her ears was making it difficult to focus on anything but the heat of the blush on her cheeks. She rolled onto her back, throwing her pillow over her face to hide how flustered she was. It’s pointless, her mind unhelpfully supplies, when Elara’s spell enhanced eyes can read her as clear as day. _“Que la tierra me trague.”_

A chuckle caressed her heated ears. “I’m so sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”

 _Liar._ Luz tugged her pillow down enough to reveal her disbelieving glare at the healer, whose smirk widened as mischief brightened her eyes. Luz rolled her eyes, gaze dropping to land on her pillow. “You’ve been with other people?” She asked, her voice muffled from the pillow still clutched to the lower half of her face. She wasn’t judging, per se; Elara’s free to see whoever she pleases, but Luz is a _little_ prickly with Lilith and the matters of her heart. _You’re in love with Lilith, right? Why even date someone else?_

The teen didn’t realize her brows had furrowed until a thumb was softly smoothing out the crease in the middle of her forehead. “You get the same little scowl Lilith does when she’s deep in thought,” Elara cajoled wryly. The thumb left, a warm tingling left in its absence. “It has to be one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.”

Luz let out an embarrassed groan, burying her face back into her pillow, and Elara laughed softly at that, and Luz could feel her blush erupt all the way to the roots of her hair. “Just answer the question! _Dios,_ I don’t know who’s worse about simple answers, you or Eda.”

“I have to hand it to Eda. I _did_ learn from her after all.”

Luz removed the pillow from her face, clutching it close to her chest instead. “You don’t have to tell me,” she said softly, cautiously. “I can back off if you want me to.”

“It’s not that,” Elara says, and her voice is weak and soft and Luz’s heart recoils at the sound of it, squeezing painfully in her chest in sympathy. “Dating is meant for two people in the throes of new love, a hope to build a future together. Not only has my life never permitted me time to even _plan_ a date, I just don’t have it in me to string someone along until they realize I don’t feel the same way they do for me.” Her smile vanishes; all the warmth on her face fled with it. “Not again, that is.”

Luz considered that. She felt her eyebrows knitting together, her lips pressing together in a thin line. “You tried to move on from Lilith, didn’t you?”

“No,” Elara answered, simply and instantly. “I tried to let her go.”

Turning her head, Luz met Elara’s eyes curiously. “There’s a difference?”

“Yes,” Elara said slowly, hesitantly, her tone forced and light. “I have always known Lilith has been the one for me from the moment I laid eyes on her, at an age before I even truly understood what that kind of love meant. Another has not, nor will they ever, even come close to it,” she paused, her fingertips tracing a pattern on Luz’s mattress. “Moving on is pointless for me, because I can’t. But I thought I could at least let her go and find someone to fill the emptiness left in me without her.”

A beat of silence passed. “It didn’t work out,” Luz asked in a hushed tone. “Did it?”

Elara gave a long, low hum. “I really thought it would; if I could make it work with anyone it ought to have been _her_ , and I _tried_ -really, _really_ did try to love her as equally as she loved me.”

“You can’t force yourself to love someone.” _Real helpful, Noceda. Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?_

That garnered another hum. “You're right; you can't force it. And I wound up hurting her by trying to.”

Luz sealed the lid tightly on her curiosity; she wanted to know _who_ could tempt Elara enough to consider letting Lilith go, but she didn’t need Elara’s spell to see the other woman was still affected by the hurt she had caused someone. She didn’t need Luz to continue reopening the wounds with her questions. 

“Okay,” her voice, low and careful, reignited some of the lost warmth in the other woman. “No dating then, but you’ve had…”

“Lovers?” Elara finished, relishing in the renewed flush on Luz’s cheeks. “Yes, I have taken lovers.” She rolls her eyes. “Some I’m not particularly proud of.”

Luz thought it over. “How come?” She asked after a beat. She picked at her pillowcase, keeping her eyes averted from the healer, lest she wanted her flush to melt her face off. Her mami’s given her the sex talk, and Eda has jokingly attempted it a few times whenever Amity’s around - _for whatever reason_ \- but she’s never casually talked about it like this to someone before. “They didn’t hurt you, did they?”

Elara’s smile was equally soft and concerning, like there was something she could never tell Luz. “Your concern is touching, sweetie, but you needn’t worry. No one ever hurt me.”

“You can tell me if they did,” Luz frowned. “I might not look like much, but I’ve taken men down twice my size. Plus, I’ve got some wicked human skill sets they won’t even see coming.” And by that, she means she’s played _a lot_ of Mortal Kombat and Super Smash Bros in her time. 

Snorting, the healer rolled onto her back, hands falling to rest on her stomach. “Why the curiosity, sweetie?” She asks instead, inclining her head; a brow quirked. “Have someone you’re interested in?”

“No,” Luz answered with her own snort. _I won’t let myself fall for anyone on the Isles, because who’s to say I have a forever here?_ She rolled onto her stomach, her pillow situated under her chin and her arms folded beneath it. “Maybe you don’t remember,” she teases gently. “But this is what you do at sleepovers. You talk about boys...well, I guess _girls_ in this case.” _Wait, is Elara only into women?_

_“Oh.”_

Surprise rippled through Elara’s body in minute ways only someone observant enough could notice; Luz barely catches it before it’s replaced by a careful, subtle stilling, a hum resounding at the back of the healer’s throat. Luz’s eyes were fixed on her now, attempting to piece together what that look meant. 

Then it _clicks._

_Oh, indeed._ Slowly, Luz took a deep breath, her shoulders squaring as clarity began to sink in. Besides their daily chats that have since shifted away from just daily inquiries of Luz’s handling of the healer’s elixirs, has anyone ever talked to Elara like she _isn’t_ a healer? Luz has heard about her day enough to know the other woman is constantly in motion, jumping from her patients in need of therapy like Luz, to visiting her clinics across the Isles and giving her staff a hand, to training new apprentices, to teaching said apprentices that are interested in learning what is essentially the Isles’ version of psychology. 

There hasn’t been any mention of friends, either visiting her or vice versa. And unless their schedules line up, the only family member Elara talks about having seen on some days is the little sister in the same field as her. Is that _all_ Elara has been to anyone, just some powerful healer; not even a _person_ anymore? 

A prodigy. A miracle worker. Accomplisher of the impossible. 

“How long has it been since you’ve been _just_ Elara?” Luz asked, wondering if she would get an honest answer or an evasion. 

Elara just blinks, frowns a little and then smiles. It’s hollow, like the look in her eyes when Luz once accused her of not being Lilith’s friend at her first session with the healer. “I’m sorry, what?” She didn’t sound upset, only resigned.

It’s an evasion, albeit a small one; it tears a new laceration in Luz’s chest _._ “You know,” Luz prattled on, a determined glint in her eyes. She has little intentions of backing down now. “ _Just_ Elara. Elara who loves her plants and meticulously cares for them everyday, Elara who has the world’s biggest sweet tooth, Elara who loves with her whole heart and is such a _mom_ to those she holds dear to her. _That_ Elara. When have you been _her_ around anyone else but yourself?” 

Elara looked at the teen then, staring for a string of breaths that had Luz holding hers. Elara’s eyes are dangerous, something lurking in them that wanted to be set free but was chained too far down to ever hope for escape. She looked like she wanted to say something, but her brows knitted in confusion as if she wasn’t sure what. _No,_ if she wasn’t sure she _could._

“I appreciate the concern, Luz,” Elara was like stone in front of her, still and cold and silent. “But I don’t need it, and I’d like for you to back off now.”

A door has been slammed shut in Luz’s face, and it _hurts._

 _"Why,"_ she pressed on, her voice low and weak. “Do you think you can’t separate the two? Will the world end if you’re not the Isles’ residential prodigy healer for a single second?”

“I will not ask again,” Elara warns; the weakness etched along her skin is new, like whatever happened to make Elara this way has scarred her in an irreparable way; Luz wants to _help._ “Please, Luz.”

“But...”

_“Enough."_

Elara’s eyes are pained. _Unforgiving._ It eats at her and Luz can’t help it. Panic stricken, heart racing and breath lost somewhere along the way, Luz wants to race out of the room and shake Lilith until she _understands._ She wants to hit her, to yell at her, to cry because Lilith meant more to Elara than the healer’s own life meant to her. _(“I’m selfless by nature; it’s why I’m so good at what I do, but Lilith makes me selfish in ways I’m usually not. I’d go to the ends of the world for her.”)_ Lilith could help, but she’s so...how _little_ must one think of themselves not to _see_ the sheer love someone has for them when it’s _staring right at them in the face?_ It’s a desire _so_ consuming her muscles tremble in the effort to keep herself from going through with it, to remain _here._ She’s not sure then what else she can do for Elara. _How can I help? You’re always helping me, so what can I-_

A set of soft, sure hands grasp her arm, tugging on her gently to slide across the space separating their bodies until Luz’s head is tucked under a chin, her arm latching onto the healer’s waist. Fingers gently scrape against the back of her neck, absentmindedly drawing a pattern against the skin there, as if she’s done it a thousand times before. “Sometimes I forget you’re still just a child,” Elara whispers. “But if you’re ever considering a future on the Isles, you’d make a wonderful healer, my love.”

Luz shifts, lifting her head to rest her chin on her hand where it lay on Elara’s chest. _“Elara.”_ She says, because that’s all she can manage. 

Elara shrugs, and suddenly she changes. The pain in her eyes is snuffed for one searching, always searching, searching for something Luz wants to help her find, and her smile seems genuine when she whispers. “Leave it be, sweetie.”

 _I don’t want to._ “Okay,” Luz says instead. “We can come back to it at another time.” _When you’re ready, like you taught me._

Elara blinks, _lost._ Then a smile twitches at the corner of her mouth. “Another time,” she echoes. 

Dropping her gaze, Luz tugs on a lock of Elara’s hair, a thought filtering in that she’s never seen the woman with her hair pulled up. Tucked in her wide brim hats, yes, but never actually held up by a hair tie before. “I don’t think I’m healer material anyway. I don’t even know any healing glyphs; if there even are any.” 

“Maybe not in that field of healing, sweetie, but in _my_ field you’re a natural,” Elara promises, her fingers still drawing that same pattern on the back of her neck. “You draw people in so effortlessly a stranger becomes your friend in less than a minute. Even without the All-Knowing Sight you pick up on things others don’t ever notice. I can only imagine what you could accomplish _with_ the spell.”

Luz tilts her head for a moment, considering it, her eyes tracing over the lines of the glyph in Elara’s eyes. “Is that why it’s passive,” she asks after a moment. Elara’s features crease with confusion; Luz shifts forward to press her fingertips against the skin under one of the woman’s eyes. “The All-Knowing Sight spell. Is it passive because the glyph is inscribed in your eyes? Like my glyphs on paper, you hit it and they activate. Do you just blink and _bam_ you can read people?” She paused, hand dropping back down. “I guess then you’d constantly be switching it on and off. Do you have a command in your head? Like, spell on? Legilimency? Mind reader?”

“I can’t read minds, sweetie,” Elara pursed her lips, amused.

“I don’t know,” mahogany eyes glinted sharply at her. “You sure do have an uncanny ability to just _know_ what someone is thinking.”

Elara hummed, nodding her head slightly. “That’s because your emotions give me an idea as to what you’re thinking. The better I know someone, the easier it is for me to deduce their thought process.”

“You’re basically telling me you can read my mind.”

Elara’s eyes lifted skyward. “Well, your thoughts _do_ filter fairly loudly.”

 _“Ah-ha!”_ Luz exclaims, the woman beneath her flinching in surprise at the volume of her voice. “You admitted it! You _can_ read minds! I knew it.”

“I really can’t,” Elara’s voice, chipper and light and coated in amusement, and then she turns thoughtful. “And I’ve never been aware of a glyph inscribed in my eyes.”

“Really?” Luz blinked in surprise at the words. “I can see it. I have yet to not see it there; so I thought that’s why it didn’t need a spell circle.” She cocked her head. “I have it, actually, jotted down in my notebook.”

“You jotted it down,” Elara echoed, a sudden stiffening in her frame. “Did you attempt to cast it?”

“I…” Luz frowned, trailing off. “I thought…” _I thought I could be the first to learn it. Understand what it is you see._

Shock. Panic. Anger. Happiness. Uncertainty. 

Luz could swear in that moment that every emotion flashed in those golden hued irises; they raced so fast and furious they ran together, overlapping and conflicting so that Luz could barely tell them apart. Elara bristled, jerking up into a seated position, a roiling mass of anger radiating off of her that had Luz flinching as she moved back. The sides of her face were seized by an iron grip, one of Elara’s hands shifting down to tilt her chin up, and the healer’s eyes are so _bright_ , a subtle horror etched into her features; Luz can’t explain _why_ she felt so uneasy at the sight of it. 

_“Luz,”_ she growled, voice low and sibilant, a sharp contrast to her typical warm, cheerful demeanor. “ _Listen_ to me when I say this,” her eyes are hard and cutting; so bright they’re _burning_ Luz’s retinas. “This isn’t a spell you can play around with. It can _hurt_ you if it’s casted improperly.” Her thumb swipes over Luz’s cheekbone, the digit trembling. “Did you activate the glyph? What happened? Were you hurt?” There’s something left unsaid on the tip of her tongue, but Luz can’t get an idea of what it could be. 

Stiff with newfound terror, Luz barely managed a nod; then a swift shake of her head at the rapidly paling pallor on the other woman’s face. “I did activate the glyph,” she hastily explains, her nails digging into the meat of her thighs to keep from reaching out to the healer who seemed so _scared._ “My eyes tingled and everything was too bright for a while, but nothing else happened and it went away after a couple of hours.” 

They stay like that for a few seconds, long moments that tick forever and last an eternity, while Elara examines her over with eyes that are always searching. Finally, Elara softened, posture relaxing and the brightness dimming until all that remains is the warm gold. “I’m sorry, sweetie,” she breathes, tipping her head back and closing her eyes. “If you want to learn the spell,” she drops the hand from Luz’s chin, eyes opening. “I’m more than willing to teach you, but _please_ don’t try and learn it on your own. _Please._ ”

Luz nodded, eyes wide. _Why?_ “I won’t,” she whispered instead. “I promise.” And she _does,_ because the _look_ on Elara’s face scared her more than the thought of harming herself did. _What happened for you to fear your own spell?_

Elara nodded back, apparently satisfied. “Light sensitivity is to be expected when learning to adapt to the spell; everything is enhanced when it’s casted. You’re essentially seeing what the naked eye can’t, and it can be... _overwhelming_.” The hand on Luz’s cheek twitches as if to flee, though it doesn’t. “Your eyes need to be trained to handle it, or else you risk going blind from the strain.” 

_You were, what, seven when you created the spell?_ Luz tilted her head back, eyes on the lone sphere of light floating aimlessly around her room. _You were a kid, and you’re telling me you made a spell that needed patience and understanding to safely use?_ “Just how smart are you?” She said aloud without meaning to.

“I’m sorry?”

 _Well, shit,_ Luz thought, mentally slapping herself upside the head. “I was just thinking, you know, you made this spell that can be pretty harming for the caster when you were a _kid,_ and you had the patience to learn to properly handle it and everything,” she blew out a breath. “Just... _how_ smart are you?”

“I was _far_ beyond the criteria expected of me,” Elara shrugged, nonchalant. “Though I’m nothing compared to Eda.”

Luz twitched. “You’re pulling my leg, right? _Eda?_ ” _My didn't finish school, con artist, trash slug rifling through mentor is smarter than you?_

“I’m not.” Elara gave a melancholy smile. “She likes to play dumb. People don’t pay attention to you when they think you’re stupid.”

“Why wou-”

Interrupted, Luz was tugged against a warm body as the other woman dropped back down onto the mattress. “Ask Eda,” is whispered against the side of her head, a drowsy lull in her voice. “She’ll tell you.”

Luz rolls onto her back, but keeps close to the healer, their shoulders brushing. “Speaking of Eda,” she lets mischievousness color her tone as she fiddles with the silk nightgown. “She had nothing else you could borrow?” 

Elara shuffles against the pillow beneath and hums. “So she says,” she quips. “It’s not much different from what I usually wear, and though Eda might be aware of my preferences in nightwear, I’m certain the look on Lilith’s face was her original goal rather than my comfort.”

Luz snorted. “How _did_ she react?” She let her gaze wander over the apparel again. The darkest shade Luz’s ever seen the healer sport was maroon, so the sudden sight of the black material on her pale skin was strange for the teen. She can only imagine how Lilith handled it, assuming Elara’s _never_ worn black before.

Elara smiled faintly, looking both sleepy and pleased. “To put it as mildly as I can,” she purrs. “If I were certain Lilith wouldn’t go running for the hills by morning, I would not have hesitated to have taken her to bed right then." 

The motion was an instant one as Luz smacked the other woman in the face with her pillow. “A simple ‘she liked it’ would have sufficed!” She shrieked, though she was laughing between the bouts of mortification. “ _Dios_ , I will make you sleep on the floor.”

Elara lowered the pillow, her bell-like laugh warming Luz’s heart. “Oh, I’m sorry, sweetie,” she mocked an apologetic smile, but the amusement dancing in her eyes gave her away. “I’ll be sure to remember that next time.”

“You better,” Luz mumbled around a yawn, snatching her pillow back and rolling onto her stomach, the side of her head secured in its downy softness and her arms shoved under it. She closed her eyes, but peaked one open after a thought crossed her mind. “I won’t be mad.”

“Hm?” Elara hummed, rolling onto her side, eyelids fluttering as sleep’s siren song caressed her ears.

“If you want to sneak into Lilith’s room,” Luz murmured, eye slipping closed. “I won’t be mad if you do.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Luz felt a hand rest gently on her forearm, giving a comforting squeeze. “Sleep, my love.”

This time her slumber is deep. Dreamless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't until the end that I realized I wrote this with Edalyn's sleepwear intended. She was an angry mama in her bunny slippers. Pfft, I'll see myself out.


	10. eternal youth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set one year and four months before fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot. I'll leave it at that. As a Luz will say, it's gonna get weird.

The cold wouldn’t come out of her skin.

The water ran a long time before it warmed -not that the temperature was of any consequential importance to her. For so long -had she ever _not_ felt it?- Lilith has always felt cold and numb, like someone’s dunked her in water below zero. It was like it had settled deep in her bones, freezing her marrow. She could see the steam rising around her in the shower, could feel the scalding heat of the water on her back, but the cold couldn’t leave her. The heat of a shower could not contend with it. A spell was merely wasted magic. A quiet voice nestled in the back of her mind says it _should_ matter, but it’s become so ingrained in her Lilith can’t ever imagine the cold leaving. And the only two with the power to thaw her, seeping an addictive warmth in her, are Edalyn and Elara.

_Except, I can no longer feel Edalyn._

Lilith let the water wash over her, a painful lurch in her chest before she dismissed the thought entirely. _Too much._ She ran her hands through her hair, lathering up her shampoo while casting a wary eye on the cobra curled up on the counter through the slit in the shower curtain. Elara’s palisman had stuck close to her sister until their paths separated for the night -Elara with Luz, Edalyn to her room, and Lilith to wash away the grit of her time on The Knee- and now it seemed its intentions were to remain with Lilith. She’s the least bit pleased about the development. 

The only upside was the curse has quieted down to a whisper; suppose it helped that from the moment Luz’s bedroom door closed and the healer disappeared behind it, Elara’s magic tempered down to a soft brush against Lilith’s instead of overwhelming her senses, which meant the curse could return to dormancy and take with it the insufferable ache it induced in her. Could forget how enticing Elara’s heat had been when pressed so closely against her body, how she yearned to pull her even closer. And Elara’s _scent -_ so _familiar;_ so uniquely her. Roses and herbs. _Alluring._

She smacked her forehead against the cool tile wall of the shower. What had she been thinking? What was she _still_ thinking? She chastised herself. She was _not_ lusting after Elara. _She was not._ She refused to. It _had_ to be a combination of Elara’s magic and the curse’s influence. The mere thought of making the healer an object of sexual desire was disturbing, disgusting, even, because she was _so_ perfect -honest, sincere, fair- everything that Lilith was not, that it filled Lilith to the brim with revulsion at even having these repulsive thoughts about her. 

But she wanted to. There was no way she wouldn’t want to. Relationships don’t come naturally to Lilith. If she’s honest, she’s _awful_ at them -she’s too awkward, too many sharp edges, too _wrong_ \- but what she isn’t is blind. Elara is _beautiful._ Breathtakingly so. She’s brilliant, caring, _warm;_ everything about her is so attractive to Lilith. And it’s dangerous. It takes all of Lilith’s self-control not to give under the curse’s demands to claim and make Elara’s hers. _My mate. Mine._

The curse has never been this close to the surface with the healer around; Lilith’s aware now to not _ever_ let it happen if Lilith loses control of the beast. _You wretched creature._ It’s added to her list of reasons to break the curse as soon as Luz can return home. She cannot continue to be subjected to the beast’s temptations of taking what it believes belong to them. And she fears it has only been made worse by the little trick Edalyn is playing on her. 

_Eda’s smirk spelt trouble; Lilith was just a little too late to realize what said trouble was alluding to._

_“Love?”_

_Lilith stood outside Luz’s cracked door, hand aloft as if to knock, when she turned at the term of endearment being called and the soft patter of bare feet on wood. And her jaw...dropped. Hit the ground with a crash, taking her mental functions with it on its suicide dive._

_Elara was…_

_She was…_

_Breathtaking._

_On anyone else, Lilith would call it skimpy, but the healer made it seem elegant. The tiny slip she wore -Lilith could not bring herself to call it nightwear, not on her life- looked like it had been created with Elara in it. The material was a shiny obsidian, its contours defining the woman’s soft curves. It forbade blinking or any lapse of attention on the curvature of her waist, the flare of elegant hips, and the swell of the bust it emphasized._

_Lilith's eyes feverishly dart over the curves of her bare shoulders to the maroon painted toes. And then her forehead. The tip of her little nose. The curved shape of her lips. The swell of her chest. And then she grazes over the exposed thighs -the cut of the gown shorter than any dress Elara has worn before- and Lilith has the thought to shove Elara up a wall. And onto her thigh. And against her- NO! Look away, Clawthorne!_

_Lilith had no idea where to look. Was she even allowed to look? Each part was vying for her attention and her brain had promptly aborted all processes and abandoned ship. So she stood there, floored and mouth still wide open, as she failed to reorient herself. Why, she whined. Are you so lovely?_

_And the curse. Her fingers itched to down another elixir to speed up the process of silencing the monstrosity hidden beneath the surface. It clawed and howled in her mind, sharp chittering resounding in her skull that called out for her to take what belongs to her. But Elara isn’t some object for keeps, and Lilith will not bend to the beast’s insistence._

_“Love?”_

_Suddenly, there’s warm fingertips against the back of her hand, tapping absently. The touch impossibly light, before it shifts to coil a gentle hand around her wrist, those fingertips worming their way beneath her coat to press against her skin. If coherent thought were possible, Lilith might have noted that Elara has never ventured any higher than her wrist when she sneaks beneath the clothes’ sleeve. Merely a few inches and she’d come into contact with the raised skin Lilith couldn’t lie her way out of._

_“Elara.” Lilith breathed softly, tortured._

_They were so close; so close that Lilith could catch whiffs of the familiar rose scent that’s clung to Elara since the day Lilith met her when they were kids and life was a simpler time, so close that she could number each dark eyelash, so close she could spy the individual specks of gold in her eyes. A gold unlike any other on the Isles. (Mira has the same shade, yes, but Elara’s is warm and lovely and soft.)_

_Elara was biting her lip. “You alright, love?” Her eyes danced over her features; most likely, she was still unable to read Lilith’s soul. Which was a blessing, because Lilith’s a little afraid of her seeing what the curse wants her to do to the smaller woman._

_“I don’t know who’s needier of the two, Owlbert or A- oh, hey, Lily.”_

_She didn’t realize how comfortable she’d gotten in Elara’s nearness until the sound of her sister’s voice had her jumping back, the soft touch on her wrist slipping away and the curse whining at the loss of it._

_Edalyn came up from behind the healer, an arm thoughtlessly coming up to use the top of Elara’s head as an armrest as she sidled up beside her. “You alright there, sis?” Her tone conveyed worry, but the Cheshire grin on her face spoke volumes._

_When Lilith said nothing -she was still regaining control of her functions- and just stood there staring awkwardly at the two other women, Edalyn leaned forward and grinned, “Lookin’ a little flushed there, Lily. Not sick, are you?”_

_Lilith snapped her eyes to her sister, looking suspiciously at her. “I’m fine.” She huffed._

_Eda’s grin widens. “Whatever you say, sis.”_

_Lilith doesn’t dare speak again, focusing on the ease at which the two before her handle intimacy; where Lilith struggles to even talk herself into taking someone’s hands in hers, Edalyn has always been a little more natural in her motions, and Elara downright born to touch another (not surprising, as she was raised by a woman who knew no concept of personal space). She focuses on how Edalyn mindlessly moves her arm from Elara’s head to drape it over her shoulders, fingers tugging on the ends of her hair. How Elara unconsciously leans into Edalyn’s side, their body heat meddling into one, eyes soft and tone gentle as she lightly scolds Lilith’s sister. How the healer’s hand pats Edalyn’s cheek in a repetitive motion she’s done for years to show her affection to the Clawthorne sisters, and Edalyn responds with a snort and a gentle swat to cease the action._

_They’re beautiful together. Compliment each other -Elara’s calm demeanor to Edalyn’s boisterous one, the rational voice to her sister’s irrational one. They fit, like two pieces of a puzzle. Meant to be._

_“What do you think,” Edalyn’s voice roused Lilith from her temporary stupor. “I found this little number in the back of my closet. The color looks good on her, doesn’t it?”_

_She’s testing Lilith. There’s not a chance she isn’t testing Lilith. Without her permission, her eyes sweep back over the outfit in question. Just when she couldn’t get more attractive to Lilith, here she was, proving her wrong. And the curse was all too happy to drink her in._

_Lilith tears her eyes away, settling to look around the room and off Elara. “Isn’t it a little inappropriate for a-” Her brows furrowed. “What was it? A girls’ night with Luz? Don’t you have anything else for her to wear?” Please, please have something else._

_“Fresh out,” Edalyn said coyly. “Besides, shortstack’s got a drawer full of these little numbers, so really, it’s by luck I had something similar for her comfort.”_

_The curse shrieks, Lilith isn’t sure what she says to keep her thoughts off what that implies, and Edalyn spirals down an unending line of teases that has Lilith wanting to throttle her sister. And Elara…_

_Elara’s looking at her with those dark, intense eyes._

Lilith hung her head, letting the water pummel her as she tried to block out the image now seared behind her eyelids. _It isn’t fair._ Next to Edalyn, Elara’s the only one who’s ever been comfortable around her -who _Lilith_ has ever been comfortable around- and she can’t pinpoint when the annoying, little Rime girl with the touchy hands tagging along behind her sister shifted before her very eyes to someone Lilith felt like a schoolgirl with her first crush when around...but she _has_ , and Lilith doesn’t know how to cope with it. The lonely, _childish_ , part of her heart wants more and more to keep Elara’s soft eyes on _her,_ to keep that smile on _her_ -take that selfless love Elara genuine feels and keep it _all_ to herself- and the sheer guilt of even being able to feel that way is eating at her. Because while Lilith may harbor these feelings, Elara’s lie elsewhere, with someone worth her time. 

_Edalyn._ Lilith will not take this from her; she has taken so _much_ from her sister as it is. _Edalyn_ is the best choice for Elara. _Edalyn_ is warm, caring, and when Lilith heals her sister, _powerful. Edalyn_ has never hurt Elara. 

Elara will be made a Clawthorne...

_“Careful, sweetie, or you’ll make a mess.”_

_“Buhh issh sho good!”_

_Lilith was almost afraid to look up from her own plate; there’s not a doubt in her mind it’s a familiar sight waiting for her. Since Luz started her sessions with Elara after school, the three have developed a bit of a routine -all because Elara refuses to accept any forms of payment from Lilith, even when the elder Clawthorne assured the other woman she has the snails to spare; Lilith’s always been frugal with her earnings -prepared for the worst, if one will. She was still met with a_ _blasé '_ _I hardly have need of it’ counter from Elara, but Lilith wasn’t just going to let the healer fly all the way to Bonesborough for nothing. So they settled on a compromise: a late afternoon lunch._

_Which is where they are currently, seated at a table outside of a café called Brew-tiful, one of the few restaurants in Bonesborough Edalyn hasn’t been banned from, nor does the owner have any interest in turning them over to the Emperor’s Coven. And judging by the muffled quality of Luz’s voice, Lilith doesn’t need to guess the teen has shoved a rather large bite of her slice of cake into her mouth, cheeks bulging at the amount of food in her mouth. If she’s lucky, which she rarely is, Luz hasn’t managed to smear frosting all over her face...again._

_A glance up confirms what she already knew, and Lilith felt a sigh building in her lungs. Because, yes, Luz has shoved too large of a bite of her cake into her mouth. And, yes, her cheeks are bulging at the amount of food in her mouth. And, unsurprisingly, it’s not in Lilith’s luck that Luz’s face be spared of the disastrous mess of frosting smeared all over her cheeks. The sigh exhales._

_Her fork is released, fingers rubbing slow circles into her temples. “Tell me you didn’t shove that in your mouth,” Lilith scolds. It’s a rhetorical set of words, really. One merely needs to cast their gaze on Luz’s plate to gauge how much of her cake is missing and then flick up to how much is still in the process of being chewed into smaller pieces for her to swallow to know the answer. “Are you trying to choke yourself? Because this is how you do it.”_

_Lilith’s scowling, head shaking in disapproval, when she hears the laugh. Like wind chimes rustling in the breeze._

_Hand curled under Luz’s chin to direct her to face the healer, a napkin in the other, Elara’s shoulders shake with mirth as she carefully dabs at the mess on Luz’s face, who just leans into the contact and keeps on chewing the food in her mouth that Lilith swears she’ll one day choke on. “Oh, leave her be, love,” she says rationally, eyes a sea of liquid gold when they briefly flicker over to meet her gaze. “Let the dear enjoy her cake. She’s hardly going to choke on it with us here.”_

_Lilith harrumphs. “She orders the same cake every time we come here,” she counters, still a little sour, but lightening. “It can’t seriously still-” Luz’s lips began to part“-don’t you dare speak with your mouth full, young lady-” and Luz’s mouth snaps shut in an instant “-be that good to nearly choke on. Smaller bites won’t kill her.”_

_Luz swallows, rounding on Lilith with a smile fit to rival the sun. If Lilith didn’t know any better, she’d swear Elara and Luz were related by how eerily similar their smiles were. “But it is good, Lilith!” She exclaims, dancing in her seat next to the healer, their shoulders brushing occasionally with Luz’s enthusiastic movements. “You have to try it! It’s like the food gods heard our prayers and blessed us with this decadent dessert for our humble mouths to cherish.” And also their love for sickening sweet treats._

_Lilith blinked. “I’m sorry, the what?” And then her features shift to a glower when she catches the snicker Elara attempts to hide behind a cough._

_The teen’s plate is slid over to her side of the table and what’s left of Luz’s cake is offered to the elder Clawthorne. “Food gods, Lilith,” Luz explains, fingers waggling. “Who else could possibly bless us with the ability to create such delicious dishes?”_

_"Bakers and chefs, Luz,” Lilith deadpans. She eyed the plate warily. It did look good. The slice was a dark, rich brown, almost black in the sun’s setting light. And that aroma, strong and sweet. “It doesn’t take a god for someone to decide one day to combine ingredients together and call it a recipe.”_

_“Sure,” Luz concedes seriously, as if they’re discussing the complexities of life. “Anyone can learn to cook, but it takes someone special to create works of art out of food.” She nods her head. “And that cake is a work of art.”_

_“...a work of art.”_

_“You’ll have to forgive her, sweetie,” the healer was smiling crookedly at Lilith, an Edalyn like smile if you asked Lilith, tapping a finger to the edge of the plate. “Lily dear doesn’t experience the same wonders to sweets as we do.”_

_Luz gasped, eyes wide. “Lilith, no! Say it ain’t so!”_

_She would say it is so. “There’s nothing wonderful about a bellyache,” Lilith snarked with a roll of her eyes. “Which you will have later, and I will have to deal with your whining.”_

_Her sound rejection didn’t do a thing to deter the healer’s amusement, it seemed. “See what I mean, sweetie?” Elara half-tittered, nose wrinkling in joy. “My mother is a master baker; she’s tried for years to get Lilith here to love the wonders that come from enjoying a sweet treat. But, alas, my dear love refuses.”_

_“Your mother is evil incarnate,” Lilith replied flatly. “I can’t even count the number of times she’s sent Edalyn home hopped up on enough sugar to keel over a gryphon. Do you know how hard it is to get her into bed when she’s literally vibrating?”_

_“I have an idea,” Elara purrs; then she chuckles softly. “And my mother isn’t evil, Lily dear. She simply likes to spoil her kids. Especially Edalyn. She liked having someone so eager to test out her latest creations on.”_

_“Ah, so that’s where Edalyn gets her rotten attitude from.”_

_“She’ll spoil you too if you become a Rime.”_

_“I’d rather not share the same name as the evil incarnate, nor do I want to be in any shape or form related to your sociopathic sister.”_

_Elara propped her elbows on the table and leaned forward, mirth twinkling in her eyes. “Aw, but Lilith Rime has such a nice ring to it, love.” And Lilith almost choked at the words as the other woman rested her chin atop her palms, the barest hint of a smile curving her lips. “Don’t you think, Luz?”_

_Luz had been a quiet specter through the whole back and forth, eyes bouncing between the women with her hands covering her mouth as she withholds the laugh bubbling in her throat. “Oh, Lilith Rime,” she said slowly, testing the words, head tilting a little. “It sounds so cute! I like it.”_

_Heat flushed through Lilith from head to toe, burning bright in her cheeks. “That’s-” Her mouth opened and closed without words. She swallowed hard. “No.” She gritted out. “No, it doesn’t. Why would I- actually, no. Just no.”_

_“Aw,” Luz pouted, her smile slackening; Lilith wanted to cave under it, but then she perked up. “Well, Elara Clawthorne sounds pretty cute, too.”_

_Lilith stared dumbstruck, heartbeat thrumming hard and fast under her ribcage. It’s a bittersweet feeling, the ache at how lovely Elara Clawthorne sounds._

...but it will be by Edalyn’s hand.

Finally feeling clean, Lilith shut off the water and threw the curtain aside to grab her towel and begin drying off. Eyes stay locked on the healer’s palisman, which has since shifted its own stare to the door and off Lilith. She isn’t like her sister and Elara; she doesn’t share the same connection to the palismans. To them they’re cherished companions, bonded for life, but to Lilith they’re merely vessels for their excess magic. And unless it’s necessary, Lilith has never spoken to her palisman, nor did she ever give it a name. Edalyn, on the other hand, likes to refer to her palisman as Brangwen. 

_It’s ridiculous,_ she thought. She slipped into the familiar comfort of the sweater and leggings Edalyn was nice enough to part with when Lilith first moved into the Owl House, staring at herself in the mirror. Pushing into her late forties agreed with her; she wished she could say she looked young for her age, but that simply wasn’t true. Aging gracefully, as they called it, and if the curse hadn’t just affected her magic but her looks as well, Edalyn would look so much _younger._ She was beautiful now, but Lilith knew without a shadow of a doubt how untouched by time Edalyn would appear if it weren’t for the curse.

_Something else I’ve taken from her._

And then her eyes flicked down to the palisman again, its beady eyes peering back at her and then to the door. Back and forth. Toweling her hair dry, Lilith sneered as she let the vile creature slither up her arm and settle on her shoulder, sighing as she stepped out of the bathroom. The house was quiet, a familiar stillness Lilith had grown accustomed to in the nights sleep eludes her, but what she wasn’t acquainted with was her little sister still awake. 

Edayln was suddenly walking out of her room, rubbing her eyes wearily as she appeared in a loose blue sweater and shorts. “Finally,” Edalyn grouched. “Thought you’d never get outta there.”

Slightly alarmed and chagrined, Lilith asked quietly, “I’m sorry, did you need the bathroom?” 

“No.”

Then there were no more words. No hesitations as Lilith fell into her sister’s arms when Edalyn crushed her against her body tight enough to steal the air from the elder sister’s lungs. Her warmth was overwhelming. It isn’t the familiar thrum of Edalyn’s magic that held the power to banish Lilith’s cold -that just ceased to be, but the soft warmth that bleeds into Lilith with something that simply must be _love._ Lilith didn’t know whether to cry or beg for forgiveness. _What did I do to deserve you?_ Her chest felt full, and her stomach was doing flips. All her apprehension about the night’s events melted away now that she was safe in her sister’s arms. _Home._

“You scared the shit outta me, Lily,” Edalyn whispered against her ear, and Lilith exhaled a breathy laugh, unable to speak past the lump in her throat. “Yeah, yeah, I know, no swearing. But you don’t get to scold me about it now,” she gripped Lilith tighter to her, a shaky hand burying itself in her wet hair. “You said two days. _Two._ Suddenly it’s the _third_ night with no contact from you, and I was _scared._ Don’t ever do that to me again, you hear me?”

_I’m sorry._ Lilith keens, hugging her tighter than tight, fingers clutched to the back of her sweater, and she doesn’t think anyone can make her let go. _I’m sorry for everything._

//

“Wanna tell me why you were up there longer than what we agreed upon?”

Downstairs now in an attempt to not disturb the two _hopefully_ sleeping occupants in Luz’s room, a mug of apple blood in hand, Eda plopped onto the couch with a huff, leveling a hard stare at her sister. “Or, y’know, shall I take a guess?”

Lilith stands in the middle of the living room; she isn’t looking at her sister. The younger Clawthorne wonders if maybe she’s afraid of what Eda will find -maybe she’s thinking Eda’s a moment’s thought away from kicking her out of her home because of the secrets that pile up, and the lies she tries so hard to rationalize as necessary, and the sting of betrayal when they’re exposed to the open air. 

Eda can’t change her sister; it’s a sad reality, and it is a hard truth to swallow. Lilith - _no,_ their _parents_ \- has hardwired her mind into following a strict set of instructions; the first set had simply been to protect her sister and cherish her, and then it shifted to surpassing her sister and becoming the Isles most powerful witch, and when that failed, she shifted again to doing whatever was necessary to ensure she was the best. And then it destroyed her, which resulted in her mashing together protecting her sister and doing whatever is necessary to do it into one single directive. One would think her dear sister might learn from how often this backfires on her, but habits are hard to break; Eda’s all too familiar with it. 

_Lilith keeps secrets in spades._ Eda lets the tang of the apple blood settle on her taste buds before she swallows, eyes roaming over her sister’s still figure -it still took her by surprise sometimes that _her_ Lily was _home._ By her side once again.

It’s strange, more often than not, to see what is visually the same face she’s known her whole life _here_ at the Owl House day in and day out -familiar; yet a stranger. Lilith looks older, _sharper_ somehow -like their mother. It’s the eyes, Eda realizes. Eda was fairly young when the soft affection in her mother’s eyes hardened to steel pools of liquid metal; a cold indifference that swam in Eda’s memories that stared back at her on Lilith’s face. At least her elder sister still held a touch of warmth in her gaze, a softness around the edges. _Love. She still has it in her to love me._

Eda sometimes still can’t imagine she’d ever see her sister in these clothes-the Lilith she grew up with had always been a stickler about appearances, except in the case of grugby; that was the only time Eda believed her sister was ever _herself. Free._ And Coven Leader Lilith Clawthorne had been so straight and narrow it was hard to believe she was the same curly haired girl she lovingly called her sister. This look still didn’t quite match, but it was the closest she’s ever been to _Lily_ and so far off from _Lilith._ It was -it was _fine._ Because Lily was _here,_ reunited with her, and Eda has to swallow another mouthful of apple blood to stifle the sob bubbling up the back of her throat. This is _her_ Lily, _her_ sister. Her _home._

She smells the same, and hugs the same, and when _Edalyn_ is uttered in her soft timbre, it feels the same. And Eda can’t ever go back to the way her life was before; the thought that this could all be a dream, that one day she’ll wake up and Lilith will be _gone..._ leave Eda _alone..._ it terrifies her. _I don’t want to live without you._

_“Twins are created from the same magical energy. It’s why we share the connection we do. Equals, even if one is weaker than the other. Our reason for living, because we are essentially one in the same. Family, because even surrounded by our loved ones, our blood sings only for our soul-bound.”_

_Equal. Her reason for living. Family._ The Clawthorne sisters are by no means twins; they weren’t brought into existence by the same magical energy that split in their mother’s womb, but before Luz came barreling into her life and reawakening that part of her dormant heart, _Lilith_ alone once occupied the space. Sill occupies it, even after everything she’s done. Lilith is her equal; an equal not in the sense of magic, as Eda vastly overpowered her, but in the sense that Lilith was made for her; to stand by her side. Lilith is her reason for living, as Luz is her reason for sacrificing; if she hadn’t had anyone to live for, the curse would have won a long time. But there was Lilith to consider; she had to remain in control as Eda to protect her sister. Lilith is her family; her sister has loved her, ached for her, tore herself apart to rectify her mistakes; just as Edalyn will in return for her. No one on the Isles can tell Eda otherwise that Lilith isn’t her soul-bound, because she _is. My Equal. My reason for living. My family._

And Edalyn Clawthorne will not hesitate to harm anyone who’d dare take her from her. _Not again._

“I ran into a miscalculation,” Lilith finally says, a little raspy, all the while coming forward cautiously -she was always so _careful_ around her sister, as if one wrong, sudden move and Eda will lay a hand on her in anger- to lower herself on the other side of the couch. “As it turns out, we are not the only ones who were interested in the temple. I had to wait until after they left to even get near it.”

A coil wound tight in Eda’s back. “Until after _who_ left?” She rumbled dangerously. _Danger_ , the curse hissed in unison. _Protect._

“The High Council,” Lilith answered coolly, her seemingly stoic demeanor unfazed, and Eda felt the coil wound tighter at the name. “Two of its members were investigating the temple as well.”

Hands clutched tight around her mug, Eda snarls low under her breath; she doesn’t miss the subtle flinch of her sister’s shoulders at the sound. _“Who?”_ Eda growled, eyes narrow and scrutinizing. “Which members were there? And why did you decide it was a bright idea to stick around? Stupid move, Lily. They could have spotted you, and then what, _huh?_ Hate to break it to you, sis, but you’re not the Emperor’s little leader anymore, and you don’t stand a chance against them as you are now.”

Wrong move, she’ll realize.

She could always tell when Lilith was angry; fury seemed to naturally come off of Lilith in red-hot waves. So hot that it was tangible. Her sister makes a hissing sound through her teeth. “I am _not_ weak, Edalyn.” And finally those eyes are on her, and Lilith glares, rage burning through her irises. With it is a look of such raw pain spreading over her face that Eda immediately curses herself for her mistake. “I can handle myself just _fine,_ ” her voice was dripping with outrage, hands clenched into tight fists in her lap. “My magic might not be what it was, but I can still hold my own against the High Council.”

Eda exhales heavily, setting her mug down on the low table. _Looks like mama’s job is never done._ A hand scrubs over her face as she groans. “Look, Lily, I’m not out to hurt you here,” she tries to keep her tone civil, but the snarls curl around her syllables with a potent bite. “You’ll never be weak to me. _Never._ It took me a long time to learn this lesson, and I _know_ you won’t believe it yet, but you _can’t_ hold your own against the High Council anymore. You’ll drain yourself just casting a protection spell to _flee_ from them.”

“You’re right,” Lilith said flatly, bordering on defiant. “I don’t believe it. The High Council might consist of the most gifted witches on the Isles, but they’re not _you,_ Edalyn.” She shifted in her seat, an almost defensive straightness in her back. “They don’t hold a candle to what you are capable of.” _Are_ ; not _were_ , as if Eda will someday hold all her infinite power again. 

“Sure, most of them _alone_ might not be something to brag home about,” Eda muttered, flashing her sister a small, wan smile. “But _two?_ Screams danger to me, especially when I’m useless and you’re...crippled,” she winced; it’s not exactly the nicest way to phrase her sister’s magic has taken a severe dip since splitting the curse with Eda. “All I’m asking, Lily, is you be a little more careful in how you deal with them; your magic’s not what it was, and you must accept it.”

Lilith’s throat bobs in a hard swallow, but she nods once. Her shoulders are visibly tense, back straight, hands fiddling with the ends of her sweater, occasionally tugging on it in frustration. “I will try to keep that in mind.” A sigh. “I admit, I still don’t know my magic’s limitations; no two spells are the same, and the costs of my reserves always vary on how much concentration I place on the spells I cast.” 

“Maybe it’s time we figure that out together, seeing as the Council may be after another portal as we are,” Eda starts out gently, and can see some of the tension leave the skin around her sister’s eyes when she manages to keep her voice level. “Which, by the way, since you’re sitting here -y’know, _breathing_ \- I can take a safe guess and say it was neither Larron nor Mira on The Knee. So who did Belos have doing his dirty work?”

“It was Damar and Negil,” Lilith huffed. “I wasn’t in any danger of the two of them spotting me.” She rolled her eyes, shoulders loosening. “They’re...well, a _rock_ has more intelligence in comparison to the two of them.”

Eda snorted, scooping her mug back in hand. “Fine, you know the Council better than I, though I still don’t like that you remained with them there.” She accepted, taking a careful sip of her apple blood. “Was there anything in the temple worth the trip up there?” _Did you find a portal? Can Luz return home?_

“There was,” Lilith shifted on the couch to fully face her, and those eyes are peering at her in obvious confusion now, nose wrinkled, and Eda kind of wants to pinch her sister’s cheek because of how disgustingly cute it is. “I couldn’t make out what it was they took, but it didn’t appear to be a portal, unless it was pieces to one.”

Eda straightened, hands clutched tight around the mug. “Think Belos is creating his own portal since Luz destroyed the other one?”

“No,” she slumps, setting her sights on the mug and away from Eda’s sharp stare. Her expression twisted, unknowing. “I don’t think Belos is creating a new portal.” And here Lilith hesitates for a moment before speaking. “I think Belos is repairing the portal we all thought Luz tried to destroy.” 

At that, Eda felt her anger rising. Jaw clenching, she growled. “Not possible.” She slams her mug down as she sprung forward from her spot on the couch, pacing the length of her living room. She rakes one set of hooked fingers through her hair as she vehemently shakes her head. Needless to say she was feeling somewhere in the spectrum of furious and frustrated and heart-wrenching fear. “Luz destroyed it. Not a chance it can still be functional enough to be salvaged.” 

“We can’t know that for certain, Edalyn.” Lilith countered, voice pitched careful and even in the midst of her sister’s agitated state. “None of us were there to see what was left of the portal.”

Eda stared at the ground, watching her toes wiggle and dig into the soft material of her rug as she stills. “We also don’t know if it’s the same portal, either.”

“What else could it be, Edalyn?” Lilith replied bitterly. “We have been scouring the Isles for months to find another portal. There _isn’t_ one _._ ” 

_There has to be. There just has to be, right?_ Eda’s jaw twitched. This whole night was one revelation after another, making Eda’s battered brain swim, thoughts spinning like a carousel out of control. Until, that is, one important one settled in her mind. _How will Luz react to this?_

“Luz.” Eda whirls on her sister, eyes wide and alarmed. “If she finds out about this, Lily, can you even imagine what she’ll do? My kid’s in pieces because she thought she sacrificed her one way home. What will happen if she learns she failed to keep it out of Belos’ hands?”

“I don’t know.” Lilith says, face pale, and Eda knows immediately that her sister _does_ know what will happen, and Eda doesn’t like the implications behind the palpable fear in her sister’s eyes. “And we don’t know if it’s true. At the moment it’s merely a theory.”

“But you’re fairly certain of it?”

Lilith sighed. “I am,” she confessed. “It makes the most sense. Why else would Belos go to all the trouble he did to get the portal you were lugging around all these years if another existed somewhere?” 

Eda stayed quiet and simply glared at her sister for a long, tense moment. 

“The best course of action right now,” Lilith continued, “would be to find out what Belos is up to, and to confirm if what I believe is an attempt to repair the damaged portal isn’t just me jumping to conclusions without concrete proof.” 

“Alright,” Eda laments. She returns to her spot on the couch, blinking over at her sister because Lilith has shifted over to rest a hand on the crown of her head. “What exactly did Belos want with the portal anyway?”

“Contrary to belief,” Lilith soothes, nails scratching lightly against Eda’s scalp, and the younger Clawthorne hums in pleasure. “I might have led the Emperor’s Coven, but I was not privy to any information he didn’t want me to know. All I did know is that the Day of Unity held great importance to him, and as it's clear to me now, he needed your portal before it is to pass.”

“You really knew nothing of his plans,” Eda insisted, frowning a little -she was _not_ letting her sister soothe her into quiet compliance. She needed to _focus._ “Nothing at all?”

“No.” Lilith affirmed. “The only one I can say could know is Kikimora.”

“Ugh, never liked that little imp,” Eda shifted away from her sister’s touch, leaning against the couch’s arm with one elbow, her chin caught in her palm, fingers tapping idly at her temple. “What about the High Council?”

Lilith pauses -every one of her lines motionless- and looks at her sister with narrowed eyes. “You -you _cannot_ be serious right now.” She hisses, folding her arms over chest defensively. “You want to, what, walk up to a member of the High Council in your magicless state -as a _wanted criminal,_ no less- and ask them if they know about their Emperor’s plans to restore a portal for who knows what reasons?” 

Eda grins. “You got the gist of it, yeah.”

Lilith threw up her hands. “While we’re at it, let’s just ask them if they’ll kindly give it back so the human the Emperor took it from can go home.” 

“Couldn’t hurt.”

“Absolutely _not._ ”

“Why not? It’s a sound plan,” Eda quipped with a rakish grin. It’s _not,_ but she likes the rise it gets out of her sister. And the second Lilith’s face contorted into one of indignation a stray thought crosses her mind, and she frowns as she grabs a hold of it. “Wait, _wait._ Isn’t the Council’s whole spiel to be weapons of mass destruction?” She doesn’t wait for her sister to open her mouth. “So explain to me why dillweed would have _them_ out scouring the Isles for these pieces then? You said it yourself, the two you saw on The Knee are short a couple of brain cells.”

“Assuming they even have that.”

“Not the point.” Eda supplied with a knowing smirk. “Last I remember from Elara’s little meet-ups with her sister, Belos was keeping the High Council scattered to conquer lands that still haven’t succumbed to his rule, but I’ve heard some whispers in the Night Market they’ve been spotted in allied territories more often lately.” She rubs her chin. “What I’d give to see Mira’s face as she plays delivery girl for the Emperor with a little checklist. And a hat. _Ha.”_

Blinking, Lilith stared at the younger Clawthorne for a second, then tilted her head, eyebrows furrowing in contemplation. “When I was still head of the coven,” she murmured in a quieter tone. “They were indeed still stationed on enemy lines at the Emperor’s command. None of the reports said anywhere they were to be pulled from the field,” she sighs. “But Belos still hasn’t appointed a new head, and it’s possible he’s begun to call them back in now that he could be close to completing the portal’s repairs.”

“Ah, so he’s paranoid then,” Eda purred in cruel satisfaction, adopting a sing-song quality to her voice that she knew irritated her elder sister to no end. “And he’s hiding behind his guard dogs.” 

“Loyalty doesn’t make someone a dog, Edalyn.” Lilith countered, shooting Eda with a murderous look. “They believe in his cause and have no intentions of disobeying his orders. It makes sense why he’d send them to locate the pieces.”

_“Ha! Loyal._ You’re a riot, Lily,” the younger Clawthorne grumbled irritably, grinding her teeth. She absently began worrying one of the holes in the well-worn couch cushion with her freehand. “There’s a word for what they are and it’s _far_ from loyal, sister dear.”

Folding her arms over her chest, Lilith favored her sister with an incredulous snort. “Then what would _you_ call it?” She asked, sharp and cold and utterly implacable. The least bit believing in the accusations against the Emperor. 

With that in mind, Eda went with the best example she could offer her sister. “Mira.”

Blinking, Lilith quirked an eyebrow. “What?”

“Come on, Lily, you’re smart,” Eda’s voice was laced with watered down sarcasm as she peered out of the corner of her eye at her sister. “You might know the other members of the High Council, but _I_ know Mira. The goblin worships the ground her sister walks on; if it doesn’t fall from Elara’s mouth, Mira never hears a single word anyone says. I mean, really, her own _mother_ had to get Elara to dish out her punishments growing up. And that woman is terrifying.”

Lilith scoffs. “I’m still not following what that has to do with anything.”

Twisting her head, Eda flashed Lilith a pleasant smile -one with lots of teeth. “Mira is only loyal to _Elara._ We’re talking about Mira here; the same Mira who almost wiped out Bonesborough when we were kids because Elara fell and scraped her knee. A _scrape,_ Lily. And that little murder machine was out for _blood.”_ With hooded eyes, Eda stared expectantly at her sister. “Why in the seven hells would she suddenly, as you say, _loyally_ follow someone who isn’t her sister? Who lowers her eyes for someone who isn’t her sister? Who listens without question to a voice that isn’t her sister’s?” 

“Mira listened to _you,_ ” Lilith muttered, disbelief coating her words. “And she became a member of her own freewill. Wanted to prove to the families she didn’t need their name to rise to the top, or have you forgotten that?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Eda snapped. “Mira’s mind works like the rest of the Isles; she values power over all else. She vaguely heard what I said because I was the only one who could pummel her into the ground.” She smiles hesitantly, ignoring the look her sister shot at her. “Ha. Look at that, wipe out Belos, and Mira will become the Isles most powerful witch. Scary thought, isn’t it?” _I can hear the little demon’s maniacal laugh now._

“Edalyn,” Lilith tried, desperately searching for the right words to say.

Eda’s jaw clenched tight; she’s not in the mood for her sister’s promises of her returned magic. It’s a bit of a blessing, really -if not for the silence that has the tendency to drive her up the wall, that is- to not have her magic. She’s _nothing._ All expectations are off her shoulders. Any conceived notions she’ll overthrow Belos have ceased to be. She’s _free._ Now Eda only wants to break the curse for her _sister._ Return _Lilith’s_ magic to her. 

“Just answer me this, Lily,” Eda cuts her sister off, her voice seething. “Mira became a member of the High Council all on her own, yes, but what if it came at a cost; a cost she never would have paid if she’d known from the start? What does Mira value more than power?” She paused, letting the words hang in the air. “While you’re thinkin’ on it, answer me this, if Belos wanted to keep his collection of soldiers under his thumb, _how_ would he do it?”

This time, Lilith caught on to what Eda was leaning towards. “Are you...are you trying to make me believe that Belos is holding something over the High Council that keeps them loyal to him?” 

“Yes.” Simple; plain as day. “Mira ‘I will stab you, plebeian’ Rime doesn’t give two shits about the Emperor, but you know who she _does_ care about? _Elara._ ” She pointed out, snorting in disgust. “If you ask me, the bastard is using Elara as some sort of leverage to bend Mira to his will.” _I just don’t know how he’s doing it._

The theory is a solid one, and the implications hit Lilith like a slap in the face; from the corner of her eye, Eda caught the way her eyes widened, her jaw twitching as her teeth grind together, and how tightly wound her body coiled itself inwards. For several seconds Lilith was at a loss for words, as if searching for some sound reason to grasp onto; something to contradict her sister. A myriad of emotions raced across her face -the continuous anguish of betrayal of a man she had been loyal to since she was a child, the disbelief her sister was accusing the Emperor of stooping so low, the horror that her sister could be _right_ and Elara is some kind of bargaining chip to keep the illusionist in line. Because who the hell in their right mind thinks they can control Mira Rime _without_ Elara’s life on the line? 

Lilith is slow in answering, the seconds dragging on like years. “But it’s only an assumption,” her voice quivers as she slowly says it, still in disbelief. _“Right?_ Elara’s happy, Edalyn. _Safe._ She has a stable career doing what she’s always wanted. She’s financially secure. She... _no.”_

_Happy._ The word shatters Eda like a rock thrown through a window. She forgets -damnit, she sometimes forgets Lilith _left_ them for a long time. She wasn’t here when a fear that haunts Eda to this day swam in Mira’s eyes when she busted Eda’s door down with a _dying_ Elara in her arms. She wasn’t here when all the warmth and the softness and the love in Elara was snuffed out by the loss of a child she called _hers._ She left them behind, but Eda _stayed;_ she tried her damnedest to take Lilith’s role and fill the emptiness her sister created in Elara -because _that’s_ what friends do; they _don’t run away_ like _cowards_ because one might possibly find out about the other’s dirty little secret- she tried _so_ hard to fill the void left with the loss of Elara’s little girl. _I tried, but it was you she needed, Lily._

Lilith wasn’t here; she doesn’t _know_ what they’ve been through. It isn’t in Eda’s right to tell her, either; she has to bite her tongue anytime the words spiral up her throat. Which is _annoying,_ because it’s hypocritical of her to even _think_ about lashing out at her sister about the secret she shared with Luz when she’s keeping her own lips sealed. _Doesn’t mean I don’t want to._ And if Lilith will leave her head for two seconds and stop wallowing in her own woes and _ask,_ Elara will tell her _everything._ Because she’s all sorts of weak for her _idiot_ of a sister. It’d be cute, if it weren’t so _sad._

_“You can’t build a relationship on lies, Eda. All she will ever have to do is ask me. Anything she ever wants to know. Anything at all.”_ Lilith has to ask; doesn’t mean Elara won’t make certain her sister is _ready_ for the answer first. 

So Eda stayed silent, fiddling with the hole she was steadily widening, feeling like her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth.

Lilith, it seemed, couldn’t take it anymore. This was too much for her to handle so soon after everything else that’s happened tonight. Too much to come to terms with, assuming she hasn’t shut the whole theory down as one of her sister’s ideologies that the Emperor is a dingus and a corrupted bastard. Which he _is,_ in case anyone thought otherwise. 

Lilith straightens up abruptly and then lurches to her feet, and Eda swallows a sigh and wordlessly curses her elder sister’s little habit of brushing off the chance for physical comfort Eda is willing to give her. “It _can’t_ be.” Her voice is strained and measured, and she’s so tightly wound, eyes flicking between Eda and the staircase, as if she wants to bolt up the stairs. “Belos could not have the means to control someone like that. Elara is _free_ to go wherever she pleases. How would- it just isn’t possible, Edalyn.” 

“I know it sounds far fetched,” Eda says softly, just an exhalation. “It’s just like I said: I _know_ Mira. She does not bow to anyone -I know _you_ know this. There is a _reason_ she obeys the Emperor, and it is _not_ out of loyalty to Belos, to his cause.”

It’s Lilith’s turn to pace. A hand crept up occasionally before Lilith shoots it down, as if she’s fighting back a broken habit that’s rearing its head. “And what about Elara? Has she given you any reason to believe this is a fact?”

“She hasn’t.” Eda sighed. “It’s just.” She stopped herself. Takes a second to look back through her memories, to the night after Mira’s initiation into the High Council; a time of celebration, she thought, because Mira had accomplished what she set out to do -even if Eda isn’t a fan of Belos’ _bullshit_ of a system, she wasn’t so much of an ass not to congratulate what Mira worked so hard to achieve. Except, Mira wasn’t proud; she hid it well behind her expressionless face, but Eda couldn’t miss the unmistakable regret brewing behind her eyes. Couldn’t miss how _haunted_ Elara looked.

“It’s just a feeling.” It makes her skin _crawl._

“So you could be wrong.” Her sister sounded so _hopeful_ -the fire in Eda’s chest roars, anger licking hot, at the prospect it could be more for the Emperor’s sake than Elara’s.

“Sure, Lily, I could be wrong.” There’s a pause, and Eda just sounds so very beastly. “Not like I’d get a confirmation from her anyway. It’s her _life_ on the line; assuming it’s true, it’s a dangerous piece of information that could fall into the wrong hands. She can’t just go blabbing it to just anyone. Not even me.” 

It hurts. Because Elara didn’t _trust her._ But she understands _why. I would’ve gone off and done what everyone was always whispering when they saw me. I would’ve taken Belos down; uprooted his entire empire because he hurt someone I care about._ And there’s a _reason_ Mira hasn’t done the same. Eda just needed to find out what it is. _And then I’ll gladly ruin him. Magic or no magic._

“If you were right and something like that is the reason Mira is loyal to the Emperor,” Lilith closes her eyes, face ashen. “There’s not a chance Elara wouldn’t have told you.” 

“Lily-” she starts, before Lilith cuts her off.

_“No._ She would have told _you._ You, Edalyn. She would _not_ have kept this from you. She _wouldn’t._ ”

_“Ha.”_ Eda snorts. “I want to believe that, sis. I _really_ do. But it’s just not true.” 

Lilith doesn’t speak, she doesn’t _move_ -except the fingers of her hand pressing down on the outside meat of her leg, nails slowly sinking in. She’s lost in her head, it seemed; rewinding the conversation to unravel where she could prove Eda’s wrong about everything. Find some substantial piece of evidence. 

It sends alarm bells ringing in Eda’s head; the beast shifts restlessly, chittering worriedly to reach out and stop her sister. “Lily?” She calls. Because she’s _scared._ Needs her sister to say something before she snaps under the fear. 

Lilith blinks at the sound of her voice. The hand is stalled, drawn up to rake through the drying locks of raven hair, and Eda breathes a sigh of relief, before it’s lost again at the next set of words. “She has to.” Lilith says, tone grim. “She _loves_ you, Edalyn.” She almost looks ashamed at the admission.

Eda’s face pinches in confusion -because, yes, Elara loves her, and Eda kind of likes the tiny healer, so what does that have to do with- _oh._

Lilith’s looking at her like- _no._

Oh no.

Eda blinks. Once. Twice. Thrice. Feels her jaw drop to her lap. _Oh no._

It takes way too long for Eda’s brain to connect the dots; to be fair, she had been working under the assumption that Lilith had the same gooey feelings for Elara as Elara does for her and was just too much of a scaredy cat to _tell_ the healer (classic move of the one Lilith Clawthorne). And while Eda might’ve gotten the first half right -sorry, but you don’t look at your _friend_ the way Lilith looks at Elara- she was so far _off_ in the second half, but when she does get it, she does so with gusto. Oh. _Oh, Lily._ _My sweet, sweet Lily. I could hit you right now._

“No, you-” _idiot._ Too many words were trying to barge out of her mouth all at once, and Eda has to steel herself, sifting through all the reasons and possibilities as to why Lilith’s mind has rationalized this line of thought. “Oh, Lily,” she scrubs a hand over her face. “My precious, _precious_ Lily. My sweet baby sister-”

“-what? I’m older than you-”

Swiftly ignored. “-you have the _wrong_ Clawthorne.” Eda sighed. “I’m a perfect ten; she’s a perfect ten, I know. We’re practically made for each other.” She’s heard it _all_ before. “But -and _surprise_ \- Elara’s what we call the dominant partner; she flutters her eyes and her partners submit to her every whim. I, Edalyn Clawthorne, do _not_ submit to anyone. They submit to _me.”_

“No, it _is_ you,” Lilith’s whispering and _sad._ There’s something in her eyes, dark and faraway, something tugging at Eda’s attention. She returns to the couch, perching close to clutch Eda’s hands in hers. “You’re the sun, Edalyn, everything your light touches warms. You’re everything I will never be.” Her grip briefly tightens. “I’m _wrong._ I can’t love like you do. I just don’t have it in me, Edalyn.”

Eda opened her mouth to refute, but Lilith silenced her with a sharp look. “I used -I used to think as long as I kept you safe and well that you’d be happy, that as long as I kept our parents harsh criticisms from reaching your ears you’d become the person _you_ wanted to be, because that’s _all_ I wanted for you. I thought that taking as much of your pain as I could was an adequate price for your happiness, if that is what it took.”

Lilith stared firmly at their hands, to concentrate, to get her words right. “And you were, Edalyn. You weren’t molded into a Clawthorne, but a person all of your own making. You bloomed -merely a child; yet so _gifted._ ” She closes her eyes, exhaling. “And I wasn’t. I- _everything_ became too much for me to handle. I was spiraling out of control under the crushing pressure of our parents expectations. As the eldest, the _embarrassment,_ I wasn’t worthy of the Clawthorne name. I had to be _better._ I had to _win.”_

A shaky breath; a brief squeeze of their conjoined hands. “And then I went and ruined everything; I caved under the pressure. _Panicked._ There was only one spot available for the Emperor’s Coven; our parents bore down on me unlike anything else they’ve done before -said if I lost to you, I would be no Clawthorne worth her merit, that I’d tarnish the family name. A _nothing._ I couldn’t fail them, Edalyn. I _couldn’t._ ”

Inhaling again, she chuckled harshly. “I _cursed_ you. My little sister. My _blood._ All I have ever wanted was to protect you from the world, but I couldn’t even protect you from _me._ ” She moves to separate their hands, but Eda laces their fingers together, tears stinging behind her eyes at the well of sympathy swelling in her chest. “And I realized a little too late what I had done, what I _lost._ And then I _ran,_ searching for a cure for the curse; thought that you were better off without me in your life-”

“Don’t say that,” Eda interrupted. Suddenly, she can’t pull air into her lungs. “You don’t know what that did to me. I would have been angry, yes, but I _never_ wouldn’t want you in my life, Lily.”

“You can’t mean that,” Lilith interjected. “I was so desperate to protect you that I -I tried to take away your power to choose. Once more, I took all the steps that would _hurt_ you. I almost _lost_ you, Edalyn. I have no right to call myself your sister.”

“What are you saying?” Eda whispers past dry lips. Her throat hurts, her chest hurts, and the curse whines in the shared ache of her pain. 

“All I know how to do is hurt the people I love.” Lilith whispers. _“I_ am the reason Elara’s eyes are permanently spelled. _I_ cursed you. _I_ am the reason you were almost petrified. _I_ almost killed the human girl you’ve claimed as your child. All _me,_ Edalyn.” Her hands slip out of Eda’s. “You’re the sun -you don’t hurt the ones you love; you draw them closer. And I don’t know what to do anymore, but if I can do one thing _right_ it’s that I want to make you happy.”

“I _am_ happy. _You_ make me happy, Lily.” Eda replied softly, lips curving into a forlorn hope of a smile. “I’d rather spend the rest of my life living a life of pain together _with_ you, than live a life of emptiness _without_ you ever again. I can’t do it, Lily. I _won’t."_

“Edalyn-”

“Nope, it’s my turn,” then she reached out to lightly brush her fingers against her sister’s cheek. She half-expected Lilith to shy away from the touch, but it didn’t happen. Instead, she felt a cold hand holding hers in place, pressing Eda’s palm firmly against her skin. “I love you, Lily. You’re my sister, and sometimes I’ll be angry with the choices you make; will _continue_ to make -let’s face it, Lily, you’re a bit of an idiot. But _hate_ you? How could I hate you? It goes against my very existence. Just can’t. Not possible. Zip. Nada.”

“You don’t know that,” Lilith whispers, and Eda’s heart twists. “What if I had taken Luz’s life? I was so _close_ to it that day. Could you really say you wouldn’t hate me then?”

Eda lowers her hand from her sister’s face and closes her eyes, a memory dredges up from the recesses of her mind. 

_The air in the room was heavy. Quiet. Still._

_And so very wrong._

_Their voices used to keep out the quiet of the night on sleepless nights, the room warmed by the mirth in their tones and the laughs that echoed off the walls. Tonight, as it’s been for the last three nights, Eda can only hear the distant sound of crickets and the calls of the wildlife and the occasional squawks from Hooty. It’s quiet, and lonely, and it feels almost like it’s only her and the smaller woman beside her in this world right now. Them and their scarred memories. Their tattered hearts._

_“Your mom cornered me this morning. She threatened me with a spatula. A spatula. Me. The most powerful witch on the Isles.”_

_“Mmhm.”_

_“Okay, I admit, I ran. The woman’s scary as hell.”_

_“Mmhm.”_

_The body next to her is only a few inches away; with the tension that hung in the air, the few inches may as well have been a chasm. She felt the shifting of weight next to her and some knotted, unwanted thing took up residence in her stomach. Their back is to her, the tremor that shudders through the rise and fall of a shoulder every now and then the only indication the body next to her is still in the waking world._

_“I don’t see it being that much longer before she knocks down my door. She knows something’s off with you.”_

_“Mmhm.”_

_“Maybe she’s what you need right now. I...I haven’t been much help, have I?”_

_“There isn’t anything you can do, my love,” Elara whispers, soft enough that the night doesn’t shatter. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything.”_

_“But I want to. How can I help you?” Eda asks as Elara rolls over to face her. “How can I make this easier for you?” A head is tucked under Eda’s chin, a nose burrowed into the scent of her so that she might be able to wash away the pain shredding Elara’s heart into pieces. “What do I do? Because I’ll do it.”_

_The closeness stirs something. Something warming and soothing that settles as a heat in Eda’s chest, alongside a speckle of guilt that feels like ice water flooding her veins -she made Elara stay. The continuous pain she is in is because Eda couldn’t let her trade her life for a child who was already too late to save. It was a move made out of fear and selfishness -too scared to ever imagine a life where she’s not only lost her sister, but her friend as well._

_But she’s with her. Elara’s only half-awake, and she looks like she might fall asleep in the middle of any words she says, but she stays. Breathing. Heart thrumming with life, even if with each beat it hurts so much she can’t breathe. Eda will let her roll into her, and she’ll wrap herself around her friend and keep her safe from the one moment in time she wishes she could change. She’ll murmur soft assurances against her temple and stay awake until the sun tips over the horizon. And then she’ll shadow her until the night returns them here._

_And then Elara utters the three most heart wrenching, soul shattering words Eda’s ever heard: “I don’t know.” Because a healer doesn’t know how to let Eda help her._

_“How about talking?” Eda’s briefly skimmed the medical books she’s collected for Elara over the years- they’re not her type of light reading, but the pleased smile it earns her when she presents them to her friend is worth the hassle of hunting them down. Eda’s read enough to know they’re the backbone of Elara’s practice, that a fundamental element is talking through your problems. “I can do that, y’know. I can listen.”_

_“Edalyn, no.” Elara shuffles closer against her, a leg wedging in between Eda’s to maneuver their bodies as close as physically possible. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. I just need some time.”_

_It’s a bitch move -it’s a little selfish, too- but she’s given Elara three days. The silence can’t stay any longer. “I get where she was coming from,” Eda whispers, softer than soft, and combs her fingers through Elara’s hair when the smaller woman tenses against her. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I just…” A pause. “I know her best after you. Not too proud to admit I know what was going through her mind when she found you like that.” With a fourteen-year-old Blight child standing over Elara’s motionless body, but she won’t mention it -Eda’s not even ready to cope with the knowledge that three days ago she nearly lost Elara._

_“What went through her head matters little to me, Edalyn.” Eda is still thrown by the dullness in Elara’s voice. How alike she sounds to her twin. “No reason on this entire Isles will ever be concrete enough that my life is worth the loss of hers. She was a child. An innocent child.”_

_The worst part is how even Elara sounds. It’s a recitation of facts. And she remembers when Elara regained consciousness, remembers the emptiness and the cold rage directed at the one person Eda never thought it possible for Elara to scorn. She remembers Elara’s house, and how much it unsettled her to see a vital part of Elara die as she mourned for the child who tried to take her life._

_Eda grits her teeth; shoves it all down. “I’m not justifying her actions here. She made a rash decision with severe consequences.” She tries, keeping her voice low as to not spook Elara away when this is the most she’s spoken in days. “But you mean more to me than Amilie did. You mean more to Mira than anyone else. She reacted-”_

_“She meant everything to ME!” Elara interjected, tone tortured and strangled. “I can’t care right now what I mean to you when she was everything to me. I didn’t…” She chokes. “There was no right to take her from this world, Eda. It doesn’t matter to me what she was forced to do; it doesn't matter if my blood was on her hands. She wanted to be mine and I wanted to be hers. A family.”_

_Eda lets the healer sob into her neck, choked cries that tug on her heartstrings. She hasn’t cried since the day she mourned the loss of Amilie, when she was too vulnerable of mind to lock her emotions away. Eda cradles her tightly against her, murmurs her soft assurances and keeps her safe. Keeps her here. She almost…_

_Eda almost regrets stopping Elara that day, because she doesn’t know how her friend is going to recover from this. Doesn’t know if she’s enough to help her. But she’ll have to be._

_So Eda waits for her to quiet. Taking Elara’s hand in hers, she lifts it up against her cheek, taking in the warmth and the feel of Elara against her. “Do you hate her?” She presses a kiss into the palm of the hand, uttering her words against the skin. “Mira, that is.” Do you hate me? Selfishly, she can’t ask._

_The body curled against her flinches at the name. “No.” Elara murmured, though the word was heavily coated in anguish. “I’ve never wanted to hate someone so much before. Never had such ill intentions. Every inch of me wants to curse her very existence.”_

_“Then why don’t you?” Eda asks softly._

_Elara shifted out from under Eda’s chin, propping her head up with the palm of her hand. She sets her eyes on Eda, and an ache forms in the younger Clawthorne at how utterly void of life those eyes are. A replica of Mira stared back at her, and Eda would give anything for the light to return to her. For this copy of Mira to be casted into the shadows and Elara returned._

_“Because she’s my sister,” Elara says simply, as if it explained everything. “She’s my other-half. We are one in the same, and I can’t imagine walking in this lifetime without her.” She closes her eyes, a self-deprecating smile tugging on her lips. “Selfish of me, isn’t it? To want to trade my life for Amilie, when Mira can’t live without me, either.”_

_Eda shook her head, pressing another soft kiss to the palm she’s kept close to her. “A parent shouldn’t outlive their kid,” her voice is soft but intent. “It wasn’t selfish of you. You were just reacting as a parent would.”_

_Elara hummed. “Amilie plays a huge role in my heart, enough so that I don’t want to be without her,” there’s the shadow of exhaustion in the lines of her face, a trace of guilt swimming in her eyes. “But the longer I’m here and she’s gone, the more I realize she wasn’t enough for me to permanently sever my connection to Mira. And if that’s not selfish; if that’s not wrong, I don’t know what is.”_

_“She took your kid, darling.” Eda said, anger edging into her voice in her confusion._

_“I know.” Elara’s voice is small and weak. “I can’t bring myself to forgive her, and I don’t think I ever will. But I wasn’t made to hate her. Wasn’t really made to hate anyone.”_

_Eda mulls it over. “Want me to do it for you?”_

_Elara chokes on a sob._

_And then Eda’s arms are around her, drawing her back into her warmth as a quaking whimper falls from her lips against her volition. Eda tucks that head of green hair under her chin, tightening her hold and making soft ssh noises in her ear. Soft little comforts that keep her here._

_“I’m here. I’ve got you now,” Eda says, and she knows it’s all that’s keeping Elara here. She’s adrift and alone in the world right now, because Mira isn’t allowed to exist in her space -the twins have never been separated like this before; not in the physical sense, but the emotional. Because Lilith has simply vanished from their lives, living her life’s dream with the Emperor’s Coven. Because…_

_Elara lost her child. A little Blight girl who wormed her way into the healer’s heart. A little Blight girl she was in the process of making a Rime. Elara was going to become a mom, and Eda wants to give her ten of them if it meant she’d smile again. Anything she wants so long as she stays here._

_“You’ll get through this. And I’ll be here every step of the way.” Eda hums a noise low in her chest. “And when you’re ready, and if you want to, I’ll give you as many little gremlins as you want. Little Rimes and Clawthornes, with their pretty gold eyes and red hair.”_

_“Oh, my love,” Elara laughs, a wet like sound that’s harsh in Eda’s ears. “They won’t have red hair.”_

_“Sure they will,” Eda quips. “The Clawthorne genetics are much stronger than whatever blood sacrifice the Blights performed to keep the green hair and gold eyes. They will have my dangerously good looks.”_

_“Whatever you say, dear,” Elara muses softly against the side of her throat. Shivering, Eda tucks her a little closer and huffs when she laughs. It’s not as wet as the one before. “Am I to assume they’ll have your penchant for trouble as well?”_

_“Course. But, uh, you’re trouble too, y’know.” She rumbled, not happy, and Elara nips at the side of her throat which makes her squeak. “Hey! Teeth off the merchandise!”_

_"Sorry." But she never is; not that Eda would have her any other way._

Blinking back the memory, Eda grins sadly at her sister. “I wasn’t made to hate you, Lily. You’re my sister, and if I’d lost Luz that day, I may very well never be able to bring myself to forgive you, but I still wouldn’t hate you.” Eda softens. “Because I know in my heart if you truly felt like you had a choice you never would have done what you did.” _I forgive you._

All Lilith could do was stare. Eda feels like she’s drowning in the disbelief in her sister’s eyes, but at least she’s listening; at the best, it’s all Eda can hope for. “The Isles can be a cruel place, yeah? It crushes those it sees as weak under its expectations. It made _you_ feel weak and useless because you weren’t _me._ But you never needed to be me, Lily, now did you?” Lilith looked like she wanted to say something to that, and Eda’s eyebrow hiked, but in the end Lilith’s mouth clicked shut. Eda continued on. “You’re far from weak -you’re _powerful,_ sister. _You_ were the head of the Emperor’s Coven, the most sought after coven on the Isles, and _you_ were its leader. _You_ could go toe-to-toe with the High Council, and in this world that means _something._ I mean, besides me, who else on the Isles has that kind of power? _No one._ ”

“Our parents.” Eda said with a sneer, a beastly snarl on the edge of it. “Their words mean _nothing._ They couldn’t see you and your worth if it was staring them in the face, and that’s _their_ own fault. Couldn’t see you’re talented, quick witted, and so damn brilliant. You accomplish whatever you put your mind to. I was always envious that you had a goal you were striving for, while I was off wasting my talent. You had your future planned, and I didn’t even know what I wanted for lunch that afternoon. All I knew was I wanted to spend my life by your side.” Eda felt a bubble of shame burst forth; she wasn’t that much different as a child -didn’t realize any of this until they were older. “As your sister, I should have seen how much you were hurting. I should have helped you, Lily.” _I can’t forgive myself._

“This wasn’t of your doing, Edalyn.” Lilith clasp Eda’s cheeks to wipe the tears she didn’t realize were spilling from her eyes with her thumbs. “I was the eldest, Edalyn, and as the eldest, it was never your responsibility to lift me up when I fell. It was _mine._ And I was too weak to do so.”

“Stop that,” Eda hiccups. _Titan,_ it’s why she hates crying. Makes her unsure, and everything is unsteady. “You don’t have to keep shouldering the blame by yourself. I’m _here._ I make mistakes, too; it’s why you can hurt me all you want, because I will still be here to love you. I’m not going anywhere, Lily.” 

As expected, Lilith takes her time to process. Eda watches her sister, waiting for her eyes to become less blurry. The parted lips, the soft, airy sigh, the downturned brows. How for a moment Lilith closes her eyes and swallows hard, like she’s desperately trying to hold back tears. She still has Eda’s cheeks in her hands, as if they’re her anchor amongst the storm of her emotions. 

When she does speak, Lilith’s words are that of a well-rehearsed speech. There’s no pause, no stutter. It’s as if she’s mentally prepared herself for this, rehearsing this conversation with herself time and time again. “I can’t make you happy, Edalyn. And maybe right now you think you are happy with me here, but you won’t stay that way. _We_ know I will fail at some point.” And less sure, more pleading, Lilith very timidly breathes out. “Elara, on the other hand, she has never been the source of your pain; has never abandoned you. She loves you -I know this, because I have seen the way she looks at you. How you look at her. I have taken so much from you as it is, sister, I will not take this as well.”

She can’t see it. And it aches, deep inside, because however Elara looks at Eda is nothing compared to how she looks at Lilith, her speck of color in a world shaded in grays. “She loves me as I love her, Lily, as a _friend."_ Eda reaches up and grips her sister’s hands. “She is _in love_ with _you._ Why can’t you see that? She has been waiting for you for so _long._ _So_ long, Lily. Patiently waiting for her moron to come _home._ ”

It’s pointless, as Lilith isn’t listening to her, either. A blank look. A wall has risen. Lilith’s mind is still hardwired to the command that Eda’s happiness must come first, and she’s drilled into her head that Elara is her source of happiness. Will let herself be _second_ to Eda once again. Eda hurts _for_ her sister; doesn’t know how to make her see the truth -if she even can.

“You don’t have to worry about my feelings.” Lilith smiled, but it seemed a hollow gesture. She lowers her hands from her sister’s face. “It’s you, Edalyn. It will always be you, because it can’t ever be me. All I can offer Elara is a tarnished reputation.”

“What do you mean?” Eda asked carefully.

Lilith stared at her for a long, disconcerting moment. “I’m not the Isles most favored witch, sister,” she finally breathes. “I’m, as you say, a _bitch._ ” And, really, it’s _not_ fair her sister decides _now_ to swear in front of her when her heart is breaking for Lilith. _Really_ not fair. “And as highly as you believe in my magical abilities, what you’re capable of still vastly overshadows what I’m capable of, and as a healer, Elara meets you as an equal. I _don’t._ ” She closes her eyes. “No matter how you look at it, you’re the better choice and I’m _wrong._ ”

“Are you trying to tell me the only reason you won’t make a Clawthorne out of her is because you’re afraid of what _others_ will say about your union?” Eda asked with disbelief. “I’ll tell you right now, _she_ won’t care. Shortstack’s been stirring up trouble from the moment she turned down the offer to join the Emperor’s Coven.” She sniffled. “Damned proudest moment of my life, really.” 

Her sister ignores her last comment. “Tradition would not allow me to make her a Clawthorne, Edalyn.” Lilith spat. “And you know this.”

Eda waved her off. “Eh, fuck tradition.” 

“Fu- what? _Edalyn._ Langu-”

“-oh, _now_ we care about my language. Back at you, sister. Who taught you such a naughty word?” 

Lilith rubbed at her forehead, the slight tension between her brows an indication a headache was in the midst of forming. “Why are we even discussing this? It’s not me she’ll be bound to a union with. I won’t ruin her reputation. Others will not speak ill of her. End of discussion.”

Eda raised her eyebrows, looking unamused. “You really think she cares about her reputation? What others say about her?”

“Of course, Edalyn. Everyone does.” Lilith scoffed. 

Eda falls silent. All she can hear is the sound of her own breathing, harsh and rough, echoing in the house. She forgets the expectations placed on -what the _Isles_ refer to as- weaker witches aren’t in the same bracket as the expectations bearing down on witches like herself. Like Elara and Mira. Where those like Lilith are expected to reach the level of someone of Eda’s caliber -or merely grovel at their feet as Belos has accomplished- someone on Eda’s level, or as close to it, was expected to go above and beyond. They’re to shatter the norm. Shake the foundations of their world. Discover new magical abilities. Accomplish the impossible. 

_Miracle worker,_ they whisper. _That’s_ what they refer to Elara as.

Now, Elara Rime is a sight to behold in her element -Eda won’t deny it. The Isles’ proclaimed prodigy healer handles all of her patients with the same amount of decorum, patience and soft smiles; never wavering under the snotty nosed brat kids wailing over a little scrape on their knee, to the adults Eda wants to slug in the face for demanding Elara treat them when she has a staff perfectly capable of helping them. A staff that have _all_ been under her tutelage at that. But why be seen by them when Elara Rime herself is present at her clinics? The prodigy. 

_Miracle worker,_ they whisper. 

Eda exhaled a frustrated breath at the words. Burrowing further into the couch, Eda propped her elbow back on the armrest and rested her cheek in the palm of her hand, her eyes slipping closed as the memories of loitering in Elara’s clinic’s waiting rooms filtered through her mind, of the cacophony of voices that had a tick forming in her jaw, even now, at every word that’s uttered. 

_“No thanks, I want her to see my son. Only she’ll know what’s wrong with him.”_

_“She should fix my leg. It’d be simple for her, no?”_

_“I’m not waiting all day. I demand she sees me now!”_

If Elara is meant to be some miracle worker, why does she bother to hand out lollipops and deal with entitled babies in the bodies of adults? Because they are simple problems with simple solutions, but they be damned if they don’t waste Elara’s selected time to whine to her about their scraped knees. _Ridiculous,_ Eda thought. Elara has trained some of the best healers the Isles has ever seen; _hell,_ Eda’s been seen by quite a few herself in her years as a fugitive. They might not be on the same caliber as the prodigy healer, but Elara has trained them to stand in her place at her clinics for a reason. They’re gifted healers; they don’t deserve to be treated like second best when she’s present. 

_Miracle worker. Faultless. Accomplish the impossible._ The words followed her around everywhere she went, like she isn’t even a person to anyone anymore; had she ever been? And like the damn saint she is, Elara powers through it with that _too_ polite smile on her face. Always eager to help. Always lending a hand. Too damn selfless to say _no_ for once in her life. Eda _hates_ it. 

_That could’ve been me,_ Eda scoffs thoughtlessly. _The most powerful witch on the Isles,_ she remembers being whispered about her. _We haven’t seen anything like her since the age of the first witches._ How many scouts had come for Eda when she was a child? How long was it before her parents saw her as nothing more than a tool? Lilith had done her best to shield Eda from it all, but she wasn’t as dumb as people percieved her. Carefree. Lazy. Lawbreaker. But _never_ stupid. 

And _what_ has it ever got any of them for being born this way? _Nothing._

Eda lost her sister because of a curse she placed on her to win some stupid duel to join a coven Eda only wanted to be a member of because of _Lilith._ To be _with_ Lilith. Like they promised when they were girls. She lost her home and her friends and the life as she knew it. And she was slowly losing fragments of her magic until it was just _gone._ Eda doesn’t want it back. _I want to stay free._

It destroyed a vital part of Lilith, a piece of her Eda isn’t so certain she can get back anymore. She now carried with her the very curse that ate away at Eda’s magic; that was now swallowing her own. The once powerful Clawthornes have been reduced to such _pitiful_ states. Because power means _everything_ on the Isles. 

It’s taken someone as selfless as Elara and weighed her down with its continuous expectations. As powerful as she is as a healer, Elara _isn’t_ a miracle worker. She can’t revive the dead, no matter how much someone begs her to. She can’t cure a disease or an illness once it’s destroyed the host’s body -they’ll die during the healing process because their bodies can’t handle it, she will say. But they never listen to her, and when their loved one dies like they’d been warned they would, they will call her a fraud. _A fake._ And it chips away at her, and Eda can’t count how many nights she’s carried Elara to bed after spending hours flipping through journals in search of answers to heal the impossible. 

It’s not her reputation Elara cares about -she’s accomplished so much and has changed the healing arts for the better. It’s not what others think of her that she cares about -if she listened to those who questioned her methods, Elara never would have made a name for herself. It’s the _expectations_ the Isles has placed on her shoulders as its most powerful healer -she has it in her head that she _must_ accomplish the impossible. Defy fate. _“I owe it to them, Eda."_ Owe it to who? Because Eda doesn’t think she owes anyone _squat._

Lilith doesn’t know this; she hasn’t walked in their shoes. People are envious of their power, but if they knew the cost of it they’d sing a different tune soon enough. _Sacrifice. Anguish. Loneliness._ That is all power has granted any of them. There is no reward for this life. And the families were far more interested in competing against each other, too worried about being better than the other, to realize the damage their so called power has caused. To realize the wonders of learning magic has flown away like ashes in the wind. 

Lilith hasn’t seen it, because Eda gave the Isles a middle finger and refused to comply with this life. Because Elara has made sure no one will ever know just how exhausted she truly is. And maybe it’s just because Eda has spent more time with her in Lilith’s absence, maybe it’s because Eda herself understands this life that power has cursed them with, but she _sees_ it. And it makes her irrationally angry that Lilith is sitting here claiming Elara cares about her reputation and the thoughts of others, when she’d toss it all away to finally be _happy._ To have a life with _Lilith._ Her _home._

“Edalyn?”

Eda blinked, head tilting to lock gazes with her sister. She’d realized she drifted into her own thoughts and lost track of the conversation. “Maybe you got it right this once, Lily.” Her voice was soft, a layer of weariness and anguish mixed in. “She might just be better off with me.”

Lilith’s whole posture went rigid, like she was preparing for a blow. “I-”

Eda stands. “But it’s not _your_ choice to make, now is it?” She finished. She needs to get away from her sister for the night, before she says something she can’t take back. She’ll try again another time to get it through her sister’s head that Elara has already made her decision and is fully committed to Lilith, and a headache is in her future at the battle she will face to make Lilith open her eyes to the truth. “See you in the morning, Lily.” And then she’s gone without a glance back at her sister. 

A talk with Elara is in order, she muses. Her friend has stuck to the side lines from the moment she laid eyes on her sister. It’s about time she starts playing for keeps. Especially if Lilith thinks Elara’s in love with Eda instead of her. _Mama’s gonna need a lot of the good stuff to get through this._

It really isn't fair. Really, _really_ isn’t fair. 

//

Luz’s sleep was dreamless. Until it no longer was. 

She dreamt of odd things. Flashes of images jumbled together like a badly scratched disc. In one scene she’s in a cave of some sort, an other-worldly voice echoing in her head that a price must be paid. The next scene she’s in a forest, a frantic Eda carrying her _away_ from someone she can’t place a name to as she screams her lungs raw. _“Mom, no! No, no, no!”_ A bond is forged with that other-worldly voice. A price paid. A glyph is burned into her skin. _“I’m sorry, mom. It hurts. I can’t.”_ She can no longer hear a heartbeat. 

And she dreamt of Amity. More stable. More vivid. _Stranger._ Like she’s viewing an alternate world from her own, another version of her friend. Amity’s smiling and laughing, tending to a familiar garden with Luz at her side, sun highlighting the red in her hair. Her _natural_ hair. Eda’s there as well, leaning in between them, but Luz can’t hear the words she utters; can only see the vibrant color of her red hair, her _short_ red hair; eyes the same shade of gold. She looks _younger._ Then there’s Elara handing Amity a pair of shears, leaning down to press a kiss against her temple; shockingly, Amity welcomes it as if it were instinctive. There’s an achingly familiar emotion swelling in her chest that’s also foreign as she watches Eda scoop Elara up bridal style and swing her around, their laughter silent in Luz’s ears.

That echoing voice is present here as well, and Luz is begging for it to be silent because she has paid the price with enough pieces of her heart for this moment of bliss. 

_It’s wrong._ Amity is smiling and laughing and talking, and she’s so beautifully _free,_ but Luz is silent and still beside her, wondering why she can’t hear the sound of her voice. There’s no noise _anywhere_ but that of the echoing voice. So she observes the shape Amity’s mouth forms around the words, and the soft flush on her cheeks, and how the rays of the sun’s light warms the gold of her eyes. _It’s wrong._

She’s lost something important to her. Can feel it. But she can’t seem to remember what it is she’s lost.

_A price must be paid._

The scene vanishes when she blinks, and Luz is greeted with the familiar sight of her bedroom’s ceiling. _A dream._ It was still quiet and dark, as the sun had not yet risen, and the only source of illumination was the sphere of light floating aimlessly through the room. _It was just a dream._

Dreams. That’s all they ever were. With a lingering yawn, Luz closed her eyes and slowly rolled over onto her side, reaching out for Elara so that she might ground herself in the realm of the living. Her hand touched down on cold, crumpled sheets. There wasn’t even a slight indentation in the mattress as if someone had slept there. 

Luz immediately opened her eyes and lifted her head off the pillow. The other half of the bed was empty. Elara wasn’t there. 

“Elara?” She called in a tired, gurgled voice, confused by the healer’s absence. _Did she go in search of Eda?_ Luz quickly got out of the bed and began to move about the room, heading for the door. “Elara?” She called again. _“Mom?”_

Only silence answered her. 

Moving quickly, Luz checked Eda’s room. Empty. Were they both awake?

_Kitchen._ When in doubt, Luz can usually find her mom in the kitchen, sitting at her small island with a cup of floral tea in hand and some sort of candy bar Eda tells her will rot her teeth out, though she’s always eager to split one with her wife anyway. And that’s where Luz heads, trudging down the stairs as she rubs the last remnants of sleep from her eyes. 

And what should be the familiar sight of the Owl House’s living room when she steps down from the last step is instead _Elara’s_ living room, except there’s nothing familiar about the space. There’s _nothing_ here. No books. No shelves. No plants. Just silence. As if the house had been emptied of everything that breathed life into it. All that remains is a brown leather couch in the middle of the living room. _And._

Luz blinks. Rubs her eyes. Blinks again. 

A doppelganger of hers stands in front of the couch. 

She’s older, Luz notes, by at least a few years. Taller. Hair styled differently from Luz’s -it’s longer, though Luz can’t say if it’s just the two sections framing her face or not because a red beanie rests atop her head. She’s dressed in a green combat jacket, the sleeves rolled up, a purple and white striped t-shirt underneath, and skin-tight black jeans. At least, Luz muses, the white vans appealed to this Luz as they did her. 

What unsettles Luz the most are her eyes. Those mahogany irises are empty. _Dead._

There was not a speck of life to be found. It left Luz feeling disconcerted; even more so when she heard the familiar rasp of that other-worldly voice sounding in her ear. 

_A price must be paid. A price must be paid. A price must be paid._

“Just ignore it. It’s not _your_ head it’s in.” The other Luz says, her shoulders sagging in a weary, weighted fashion, as if she has heard the voice for far too long a time. “Suppose not yet, that is.”

Luz kind of feels like she’s been knocked backwards, tumbling, tumbling down, feet sliding out from under her. _I’m still dreaming. This is all a dream._ She’s chalking it up as just the nonsensical thing everyone’s dreams are, because meeting another version of yourself doesn’t happen in real life. Nonsense, that’s all. So she blinks. Kind of hopes the other her will vanish like the other dream had.

She’s still there, unfortunately; still stands in front of the couch. Those familiar mahogany eyes, soulless and hard, stare straight through her, silent and waiting. And Luz has to tear her own eyes away; drifts down and spies something she missed in her first assessment of the other her. A glyph. A glyph marrs the tanned skin of her wrist, and though the emblem is familiar -countless hours tracing… _who again?_ The name is there on the tip of her tongue; she can taste it, but she can’t sound it out. _Lost._

Luz dismisses it, focusing on the glyph. The color isn’t one she recognizes. It’s not the shade of gold of the Emperor’s Coven. It’s not the shade of crimson of the High Council -not sure how she knows that, a voice describes it in her head, and there’s a familiar -also _unfamiliar_ \- memory of someone she refers to as her tía showing hers to Luz. Nonetheless, the mark isn’t the same. It looks almost like…

Like it was _burned._

A glyph is burned into her skin. Luz winces. Imaginary pain, yes, but somehow a pain she _knows._ She can _smell_ the burn of skin in the air. The smolder that seems to exist in the recess of her mind. Of a howling scream. Of a woman still chained, but a key now rests in the lock. 

The other Luz’s lips twist slightly -almost a smile- but they settle as she shoves her hands into the pockets of her jacket, the glyph hidden from view. “Look, I don’t have a lot of time here,” she exhales. “And there’s _a lot_ I need to warn you about before I can leave.”

Luz said nothing for a moment. She wraps her arms protectively around her body, suddenly so unsure. “Who are you? Where are we?” She asked timidly. “Are you me?” Luz clutched her arms tightly. _This can’t be real. I’m still dreaming, right?_

It’s like she’s psychic. “You’re right,” the other her says, hands moving from her pockets and spreading out to placate. “It _is_ a dream, but it is also _real._ It’s the only way I can contact you, and it certainly hasn’t been easy to reach you.” And then she mumbles, “Kind of forgot about the sleep elixirs.”

That doesn’t make her feel any better about the situation. “Are you _me?”_ Luz hisses at her from between clenched teeth. 

“Something like that,” the other Luz hedges, shoulders lifting in a shrug. “I am you. A version of you, the better description,” exhale, another shrug. “My name is Lucia Clawthorne,” the other _-Lucia-_ says, grimacing at the sharp inhale from Luz at the utterance of the name. “One you won’t remember when you wake up, but when the time comes you will.”

“Wait, _what?”_ Luz asked, befuddled, while looking up at the other her. “What do you mean I won’t remember? When the time comes for what?” _Ignore her. It’s just a dream._

“Well,” Lucia scratches the back of her neck. “That’s a little complicated to explain. And I don’t have enough time to get into it with you; so the short version of it is that it doesn’t want you to remember any of this until after you find it, lest you attempt to not seek it out. But you _will_ remember.”

_Sketchy._ Luz’s eyes narrowed. “Find what?”

“The Seer,” Lucia replied matter-of-factly.

Luz regarded her counterpart strangely, and she’s a moment’s thought away from bolting. Because _clearly_ dream her is _insane_ , and Luz’s head is all sorts of messed up enough as it is. She doesn’t need _this_ on top of it. “The Seer?”

“The Seer,” Lucia echoed, nodding. “The name’s a little misleading, I know.” Luz _doesn’t_ know. “The first time I heard it I was under the impression it could see the future.” Okay, _that_ sounds like something Luz would think, she’ll admit. “It doesn’t, by the way. It doesn’t see anything, really.”

Luz blinks. “Then why is it called The Seer if it doesn’t see?”

“The Seer is named so,” Lucia seems hesitant, and then resilient. “Because it reveals to you what you must sacrifice in order to obtain what you want.”

“Say what now?” Luz gapes. _Nope. No thanks._ She wants _out. Wake up, Noceda!_

“You might want to sit down for this.” Lucia fell back on the couch behind her, head cocking to the side as she pats the space beside her. “It’s going to get very weird for you very soon.”

“How so?” Luz asked, unmoving. Every inch of her wants to bolt, but her feet are rooted to the floor. 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Lucia warns, then she exhales. “Let’s start with something simple, shall we?” She sounds oddly like Elara then, as if she’s in a session with a patient instead of talking to herself. “The Seer. How we find it is different for many of us-”

“Wait,” Luz interrupts. “There are _more_ of us?”

“Oh, like an infinite number of us.” She nods. “As I was saying,” Lucia continues. “Some of us follow a rumor into The Ribs, some of us just stumble upon it by accident, and some of us,” she trails off with a sigh, there’s something in her eyes that flints and glints. “Well, let’s just hope you’re not one of _them._ ” She waves a hand, the one with the glyph burned into her wrist. “Anyway, it doesn’t really matter _how_ you find it; I just need you to know that you _will._ The Seer calls out to us.”

“How did you find it?” Luz asked, because it seems the right thing to do. 

Lucia hesitated, suddenly unsure of herself, and brought a hand to her chest. “I spent _years_ searching for a cure to my mom’s curse-” a sharp inhale “-and my other mom-” Luz is choking at this point “-said the only way was to find the scroll used to curse her in the first place. Except, it no longer existed, as far as we were aware.” She sighed. “And I tried to play by the Isles rules -really, I did- I tried to be patient, but we were running into dead end after dead end after dead end. It seemed to never...well... _end.”_

Lucia eyed her strangely for a moment. “She’s not mom to you yet, is she?” She tilts her head. “Eda, that is.” Her nose wrinkles like the name sounds wrong to her. _“Wow._ Haven’t said that in...well, a long time.”

“Um…” Luz blinks. _Just_ blinks. _Mom._ The syllables rolled off right to her, but the sound was _off._ This version of her casually calls Eda her mom, and though Luz very much believes Eda _is_ a mother-like figure to her, she never thought she’d address her as such. And _who_ the hell is her _other_ mom?

“No need to answer,” Lucia said, nodding. “Your face says it all.”

Luz paused. Blinked. And shrugged. 

“That’s alright,” Lucia says slowly, voice a little lilting. “The one consistency in us is she always becomes our mom in the end.” 

Luz doesn’t know how to feel about that. _What about mami?_

So, for now, she ignores it. “You were looking for a cure, right?” Luz anxiously rubbed her temple, trying to get her thoughts in order. “Did you find one?”

Lucia’s hands clenched into fists. “It wasn’t under the best circumstances when I found it,” she’s serious, and severe, and Luz holds her breath. “I’d had enough. Became too impatient. And someone was hurt in the middle of it.” She exhales. “But I found it. Damnit, I _found_ it. But the cure came at a price. A _sacrifice,_ if you will. In order to obtain, something of equal value must be lost.”

Luz blinked. “That sounds like something straight out of an anime.”

"Well, yeah." Her counterpart favored her with a mischievous grin. "Are we all that surprised? Since the Isles our life has been nothing but one giant anime plot."

Luz mulled it over. "Fair point." She agreed. 

A slight smile, “That’s the deal with The Seer. It will grant any request, so long as you are willing to pay the price for it. So long as you are willing to be its host.” 

“Its host?” 

Something in Lucia faltered -or fell- and she clenched her teeth together. “It lives here.” She flatly stated in a dull, defeated tone. A hand presses flat against her chest, rubbing where her heart beats behind her ribcage. “I’m a walking genie, but the only wishes I can grant are mine.” 

“Then-” Luz began, then stopped just as quickly, unsure of how to go on. She lowers herself to the floor, drawing a leg up to rest her chin on her knee. “What price did you have to pay?” 

“Come on, you’re smart, Luz,” Lucia whispered, her voice eerily calm. “What do you think I sacrificed?”

It took less than a fraction of a second for Luz to come up with a conclusion. _Mami._

It’s like all the air has been sucked out of her lungs. She can’t breathe. She’s been punched in the chest. _She sacrificed mami._ “How could you?” She hisses, the words slipping like smoke between her teeth. “ _She_ is our mom! How could you just throw her away like that?!” A little louder, harder, sharper - _rage_ \- and Lucia doesn’t react to the hostility bleeding out of Luz. “Was she nothing to you?”

“She’s nothing to me _now._ ” Lucia hissed sharply. “I didn’t have a choice. Understand that.”

“How do you expect me to understand _that?_ _!”_ Luz countered harshly. “She is my _mom._ The woman who carried us for nine months. You _don’t_ throw that away.”

“You do if your other mom is _dying!_ ” Tortured and strangled, it’s the first speck of emotion Luz’s found in the other version of her, the familiar features twisted in anguish. Shaking -every part of Lucia was shaking. “Like I said, I made mistakes. Grave errors. My other mom paid the price for it by transferring a spell for Amelia; all because she was just trying to help me.” 

Luz blinks, and something in her chest burns. An echo of pain. 

“It was a nasty spell,” Lucia inhaled and exhaled. “One that was made specifically with her abilities in mind. She couldn’t counter it; she was going to die. And mom... _Eda._..was the only one powerful enough to override my tía’s spell.” 

Those lifeless eyes snap to her. “My- _no._ _Your_ mami wasn’t in any danger of dying. She was _safe."_ She rumbles, a bestial sound. “But I was going to lose my other mom. So I had no choice but to sacrifice my memories and my love for her to return my mom’s magic so she could save her.” 

“But wasn’t there another choice you could have made?” Luz whimpered, sounding utterly lost. “Did you have to lose mami?”

“I could have not returned mom’s magic, yes,” Lucia said softly, words strained, like she doesn’t like reliving the memories. “And when it told me what I’d have to sacrifice, I thought I’d try a different solution by simply asking it to remove the spell.”

“And?” Luz leaned forward, eyes wide.

Lucia swallows. “It said I’d have to transfer the spell onto someone else. A life for a life.” She chokes, chewing on the words. “So tell me, Luz, what would _you_ have done?”

Luz didn’t answer. She didn’t really need to. The other her knew her answer. She made it, obviously. 

Luz fidgeted. She tries for something else. “Why didn’t you just wish for the scroll then?”

“I-” Lucia faltered. “I’ll be honest; even if I’d been thinking clearly that day, I think I still would have sacrificed mami in order to save my mom. She needed help _immediately._ There just wasn’t enough time.” 

She let the words sink in before she pondered, “Who’s your other mom?”

“What?” Lucia asked, blinking. “Oh, right, you’re not me. _Duh._ It’s Elara,” her nose wrinkled the same way it did when she said Eda’s name. “She’s my other mom.” 

_“Oh.”_ She rolls the word around her head for a moment; she understands now how this version of her can so casually refer to them as her mothers when she can’t remember her own birth mom anymore. They’re all she has. _Wait._ “If you sacrificed the memories of mami, how do you know _of_ her?”

Lucia tilted her head. “The Seer is somehow linked to its other counterparts in other universes, which means its hosts are linked as well.” She taps her temple. “I feel nothing for mami, but I can see the memories of her through the minds of the few Luzs who couldn’t let her go.” 

Luz frowned. “Like a hive mind?”

“Bingo,” the other her replied, shooting her a finger gun. “When you become The Seer’s host, you’ll be linked to me and all the other versions of us who have also become hosts.” She leans forward, elbows pressed down onto her thighs as she staples her hands together. “The reason I’m here is to warn you, because when you become The Seer’s host, life is going to be... _difficult._ ”

“As in?” Luz questioned. 

Lucia levels an odd stare at her. It feels like a weight -heavy, cumbersome, and threatening to buckle. “Look, I’m not here to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do in the future,” she exhales. “But I will stress the importance of restoring our mom’s magic. You _must._ Lest you want to call out defeat to a war you haven’t even waged yet.”

“I don’t understand. _War?_ ” Luz says, even though she can’t breathe -somehow the words don’t require air, they just fall out of her mouth.

“I don’t have enough time to explain that to you now. When you find The Seer, we’ll talk then,” face neutral, eyes settled, Lucia murmurs. “I just need to warn you that sacrifices _will_ need to be made the further along you go.”

Her head’s spinning; the information lost somewhere she can’t get a grasp on. “What do you mean?” A shiver runs down Luz’s spine -from the crown of her head to the heels of her feet. “I’ll lose more than just mami?”

There’s an anguish on the other’s face that’s all in the eyes and the gradual hunch of her shoulders. “Many of us sacrificed it all because they felt nothing anymore. Many of us have been shattered into pieces because of what we’ve had to sacrifice for the betterment of the Isles.” She closes her eyes, breathes deeply. “I can say I’m one of the lucky ones, though I can’t say it feels like it.”

There’s silence, a disquieting silence.

And then a soft, “What did you have to sacrifice?”

And suddenly -the other her _gasps._

_“Her.”_ Lucia quickly leaped from the couch. She’s shaking right down to the wobble in her knees as she steps closer to Luz, only to wrangle herself in and stumble back a step. Fingers curling and clutching, hitting against her jean clad thighs as a closed fist. “The only chance I have at seeing her again is through the eyes of the other versions of me. The few who got the chance to keep her.” 

Lips curling like she has no control of them, a snarl that only settles after she shakes her head. “A lot has happened in my time. _A lot._ I lost my friends.” She starts to pace. “The dream - _my memory_ \- you saw was what I sacrificed for to achieve. I’ve sacrificed so much. _So much._ I lost my ability to fall in love. I don’t know _how_ to love anymore. But it was worth it if it meant Amelia lived; I know that with certainty.”

Luz can only stare as the other version of her paces the length of the living room. 

“I sacrificed pieces of my heart so that I could have this little bubble of happiness,” Lucia sneers, the bitter sound on her tongue something like betrayal. “I have my moms, and they’re in love and _happy."_

"Wait, wait," Luz cuts her off. "Moms. As in, Eda and Elara? They're _together?"_ Why did that feel-

"Wrong, right?" Lucia finishes the thought with a harsh, grating laugh. "I mean, don't get me wrong, they're disgustingly cute. Mom -well, _Eda-_ she...she _melts_ when my other mom is just _mentioned._ One little breath of her name and Edalyn Clawthorne is rendered, well, _gooey."_

"Aww," Luz cooed. 

"It's gross," the other her counters, though a soft smile tugs on the corner of her mouth for a brief moment. She shakes her head. "My moms are happy and they’re in love, but it always felt _off._ They say they feel a tad bit guilty, but they can’t explain _why._ Like my other mom was meant to be with _someone else.”_

"And Amelia." She halts. _"Amity_ to you, I suppose. She is safe and loved and can't ever be used again, and I know she'll find someone new to fall in love with in time."

Luz's brows furrowed at this. "Amity lost the one she was in love with?" Something painful twists in Luz's heart, but she can't pinpoint if it's one of her emotions. Or if it's Lucia's. 

Lucia gapes at her. _Just_ gapes. Blinks. _"Wow."_ She breathes out, astounded, after an uncomfortable amount of seconds have passed between them. She mumbles something low, Luz barely catching the words. _"Idiots._ Saviors of the world, but we're _idiots."_ And then louder, "It really never fails to shock me when I rediscover how blind we are." 

"Wha-"

Whatever she meant to say was lodged back down her throat as Lucia dropped heavily to the floor in front of Luz. "Everything is as perfect as it can be for me, but it has always felt _wrong._ " She bristles, shaking her head. “I felt like something was _missing._ Something important, but I’d forgotten what it was I lost. So many of us have.”

Luz leaned in closer and placed a comforting hand on Lucia’s arm. She doesn’t dare to speak yet.

One long whistling breath in. “It’s _her._ When I catch glimpses of her in the memories of another Luz, I _remember._ And it _hurts.”_ She exhales, blinking long and hard, before she can look at Luz. “I don’t have it in me to love anymore, but through them I can still _love_ her. And I’d give _anything_ for just one more minute with her. To hear her voice. To feel her.” 

_Lilith._

Everything seizes inside Luz, her bones rattle, her blood sparks. She feels like someone is pressing down on her ribs over, and over, and over again. She can’t _breathe._ She _lost_ Lilith. 

The soft timbre of her voice swarms in Luz’s head, whispering soft assurances in her ears. Her eyes, glacier blue and slate gray, soften around the edges when they look her way, a world of promises in her irises. Lavender and jasmine fill Luz’s lungs, the scent trying to calm the pressure building in her lungs. Keep it from bleeding out violently into the rest of her. _I forgot her. She forgot her._

It hurts that she hurts. Tears fall unbidden from Luz’s eyes. Fists clenching like it might hold her together. “You…” She hesitates, swiping at the tears on her cheeks, pushing them away so that she can make her out properly. “You sacrificed Lilith, didn’t you?”

_“Yes.”_

Something cracks in Luz’s heart. She wanted to ask what made her sacrifice Lilith in the first place; what price needed to be paid with her existence on the Isles erased, but Luz stills her tongue. This version of her reminds her of Lilith in a way -she’s tortured and haunted by her regrets and mistakes. She won’t ever forgive herself for what she’s done, even when she has the love and support of her family. She’s _lost._

Luz remembers the night she realized Lilith was all alone in the world. When she had no one in her corner. She tried so hard to fix her mistakes on her own because she felt like she didn’t deserve anyone’s help. Didn’t deserve a friend. 

_“I, Luz Noceda, from this day forward will be your friend. Don’t scoff at me, Lilith Clawthorne. I’m a great friend! Just ask Amity.”_

This Luz sacrificed Lilith. She sacrificed mami. And, yes, she’s been scarred by the choices she’s made. And, yes, Eda and Elara looked so happy together. And, yes, Amity - _Amelia_ for her- was so beautiful when set free. But was it really _worth_ losing them? Luz doesn’t know; can’t really judge this version of her when she hasn’t walked in her shoes. _Yet._

_Only._ Luz is protective of Lilith. Or, at least, she thought she was. But if the way Lucia talks of the other versions of her, it sounded like only a few haven’t sacrificed Lilith in the end. 

_They threw her away. Like she was nothing._ It isn’t really fair to make that assessment when she hasn’t been through what they have, and maybe they had every reason to let go of Lilith. But right now, in the here and now, Luz doesn’t care. She will not forgive those versions of herself. Will not excuse them. 

If she doesn’t remember this dream, she tries her hardest to ingrain into herself that she will _not_ sacrifice Lilith. _No matter_ the outcome. 

The tightening in her chest pulls and pulls and pulls, until it gets stuck in her throat and she has to swallow around it. “Why,” she tries, but Lucia is shaking her head at her. 

_“I don’t know.”_ The other her said, and then, _“I can’t remember.”_

It’s not enough. _I won’t forgive you._

It’s a long time before Luz can meet the gaze of the other version of herself; even longer before she can bring herself to speak. She feels the words bubbling at the back of her tongue, and she holds them for several heartbeats longer than she thought she would -before she says the first thing on her mind. 

“Do you...Can I…” She can’t help the hesitance, because Lucia is looking at her like she’s _defeated._ Like she’s given up. “Is it possible for me to give you a memory of Lilith? One that’s all yours so you don’t forget her?”

“You,” she blinks. “You’d do that? You’d let me have a memory of her?”

“Yes.” Because Luz knows _she_ doesn’t want to ever go a day without Lilith in her heart. Doesn’t want to forget the woman who’s been there for her when she couldn’t even be there for herself. _I won’t lose her. Not like you did._

“It can be done, but it comes at a price. It’ll be _gone. Lost_ to you.” Lucia exhaled the words, and they kind of jumble and mix. “I’d pick one that has the least amount of importance to you, and in return I’ll grant you one of mine.”

They’re _all_ important to her. Every moment with Lilith means something to her, even back when they were shooting daggers with their eyes at each other across the table. She doesn’t want to lose a single moment of her life with Lilith, but she will because there’s no Luz without Lilith. Plain and simple. 

The memory she settles on _hurts._

“Okay,” Luz breathes out shakily, quickly -before she has the chance to change her mind. “What do I do?”

A set of hands clasp her cheeks, and a forehead knocks gently against her own. “Just close your eyes and open your mind. I’ll take care of the rest.”

Luz closes her eyes.

_It’s their lazy day. The one day of the week no one is allowed out of the house. Someone’s dying? The Isles is burning? Too bad; so sad. Nothing can be done. Them’s the rules in the Clawthorne household._

_The weight of Luz’s head when it settles on Elara’s shoulder is warmly familiar, and the slow rush of her breathing is pleasantly relaxing as they curl up together on the leather couch in the living room. She draws idle lines over Luz’s spine with her fingertips, and presses tiny kisses on her temple when she feels Luz nestle closer in response. A bag of chocolates is shared between the two of them. Their eyes bounce between Eda and Amity while they snack on them, quietly observing Eda and Amity bicker over Hexes Hold’em. It's a typical occurrence; they're just waiting for the fallout._

_"Wha- you can't play that!" Amity snarled; the cards in her hand are slammed down as the set on the table burns to ashes by a play Eda made. "That goes against the rules. You're cheating!"_

_"Ha!" Eda snorted out a laugh. "There are no rules but your own in Hexes Hold'em, small fry." An arm reached out to hook around the jackpot -it consists mostly of their favorite snack foods, a pouch of snails, and weirdly Elara's perfume bottle- and slid it over to her side of the table. "If you don’t like it, go cry to your mom about it."_

_Luz felt the low rumble of Elara's hum, the smaller woman subtly shifting in preparation for what's to come. Luz answers the movement with a sigh of her own. And I just got comfortable, she whines._

_Amity simmers. "Wha- of course there are rules." She cried in disbelief, throwing her hands into the air. "You can't just go and make up your own because you were losing!"_

_"Nope. Don't think so," Eda drawled blithely._

_Finally seething with annoyance, Amity tore her eyes away from Eda and squeezed them shut, forcing herself to take deep, even breaths as she slowly counted to ten. A method Elara has taught her when her emotions are too high. It actually worried Luz a bit that it took longer than usual before Amity felt calm enough to open her eyes. It was about to be a bloodbath, Luz just knew it._

_The calming method was in vain when Amity saw the smug look Eda was wearing -the older woman liked poking fun at Amity whenever she could. But with effort Amity managed to keep her tone civil. "There are rules. They're right here, Eda." She slowly lifts up the box the playing cards came from, and then she twists it so the back faces Eda, the writing in clear view. "You cheated."_

_Eda isn't fazed. "What'cha gonna do about it, twinkle-toes?"_

_Well, Amity does exactly what Eda said she should: cry to her mom. She swivels her head in their direction, watery gold eyes locking on the healer. "Tell her, Elara. Tell her she cheated."_

_Luz knows -and by the pout on her face, Eda does too- where this is going, because Elara always sides with Amity. Doesn't ever really say no to the one she calls hers. "She's right, dear," Elara hums, clearly amused. "I'm sorry to say it, but there are rules. And you did cheat."_

_Luz caught the gleam shimmering in Eda's eyes before the woman even had the thought to pounce. Quickly, she rolled away from Elara and off the couch, her side landing hard on the floor. The second she touched the ground was when Eda launched herself at the smaller woman, an oof escaping her as Eda's larger frame impacted with her smaller one._

_"You," Eda snarled, though there's no real bite behind her words; fingers digging into her wife's sides and drawing a startled shriek from the healer. "You're meant to be on my side, you damn traitor."_

_"I'm sorry, my love," Elara breathlessly draws out between fits of laughter. Her hands are coiled around Eda's wrists, attempting to cease her wife's assault. "Maybe," she chuckles. "Maybe you shouldn't fail so terribly you resort to cheating to win against our little one."_

_"That's grounds for treason, y'know," Eda growled in Elara's ear, and all the healer can do is laugh and squirm against the fingers on her waist. "I could have you petrified. Find me a wife who doesn't give in to our kids' pouts and their pleas and their cuteness."_

_"Aw, Eda," Luz whines, popping her head up to rest her chin on the couch's cushion. "But we love this one," she says cheekily. "I say we keep her."_

_"Course you would, kid. She gives you what you want. Unlike me." And then Eda's nipping playfully at Elara's jawline, and Luz has to roll her eyes at how disgustingly cute they act sometimes. "Just this once, love, side with me. That's all I ask."_

_“She’d side with you,” Amity snipped. “If you were in the right, but you’re not. You’re a loser and a cheater.” Her nose is in the air, the tone of her voice snide and mocking. “How does it feel to lose to,” she pauses, tilting her head. “What was it you called me again? Ah, yes, the fresh meat. How does it feel to lose to the fresh meat? The inexperienced? The newbie? Hm?”_

_Luz slaps her hands over her mouth, eyes wide, as Eda stiffens. She doesn’t move -except the fingers skimming over her wife’s sides, mouth quirking in a smirk whenever Elara twitches with an aftershock-like giggle. “I think we have a bug problem, shortstack,” she drawls, unamused. “I can hear a fly buzzing in my ear. Drastic measures may need to be taken. I suggest we torch the place.”_

_Elara grins, a retort on her tongue, before Amity cuts in._

_“Maybe you should hang it up. It’s clear to see you’ve lost your touch,” she says in triumph. She leaned forward to draw the jackpot back over to her side of the table, and Eda reacted to the scraping sound it made by twitching. Or perhaps it was the words. “It can’t be helped. I mean, your age IS catching up with you.”_

_And that, finally, makes Eda relent her assault on her wife. With a snarl, her attention is snapped from Elara and she’s whirling on Amity. “Oh,” she rumbles in a low growl, eyes slanted. "You wanna go, two-tone?!"_

_Luz loses it. She snorted into her own hands, choking on her laugh as she fell back down to the floor. “Eda, no!” She wheezes out. “You know Amity doesn’t like it when you call her that.”_

_And Amity really doesn’t like it. She’s red in the face. Eyes alight with the intent to murder the elder Clawthorne where she sits. “My hair is ONE color, old woman!”_

_“Old?!”_

_And then it’s a blur of motion. Eda attempts to launch herself across the low table to get her hands on Amity, except Elara has a sudden grip around Eda’s midsection, hauling the taller woman back and preventing her from having the leverage to make the leap. And Amity’s up, one foot on the table to make a dive at Eda herself, when Luz rockets off the ground to lug her over shoulder in one smooth move._

_“Let me go, Luz!” Amity snarls, her fists smacking into the middle of Luz’s back. “She’s dead! Say hello to your new Empress because the OLD-” and she insisted on emphasizing the word there. “-one is so dead!”_

_“Not if I get to you first, pipsqueak!”_

_“I’d like to see you try, grandma!”_

_When it comes to Amity and Eda’s tempers, Elara is a bit of a miracle worker at soothing them down to more amenable levels. It helps that Amity is always eager to please the healer, a life with the Blights a wound they’re still helping to heal over. So she’s the first to loosen her shoulders, hang her head, when Elara uses her gentle -so very gentle- scolding tone about why one shouldn’t insult someone’s age. And Eda follows soon after, melting into that puddle of gooey feelings at the look her wife levels at her. Just a look. And Edalyn Clawthorne, Empress of the Isles, most powerful witch, is done for._

_A few carefully crafted words from the healer, a touch of commentary from Luz, has their anger evaporating in the wind, and Luz suggests the two play another game when they can’t decide who truly won the jackpot. Which is how they wind up in the same situation again a mere ten minutes later._

_“Perish, you has-been!”_

_“Burn in hell, you devil’s child!”_

_Luz smacked her forehead on the low table, and a “I have a suggestion,” is breathed into her ear. A subtle shift of her head lets the other know she’s listening. “We take the jackpot, sneak upstairs to my room, and leave them to hash this out on their own.”_

_Luz snickers, turning her head to catch the mirth dancing in Elara’s eyes. “Deal.”_

Luz opens her eyes with sleepy effort, focusing on the indistinct shapes of objects around her. It was still quite dark, as the sun had not yet risen, but the promise of dawn had colored the sky a frozen, lackluster gray. She dreamt of odd things, though she can’t quite clearly make out the images swimming in the forefront of her mind. A sharp pain prods her in the middle of her forehead if she tries. She felt...

She felt like she lost something. That there was something important she was meant to remember. An ache unfurls under breastbone, blooming hot with the beat of her heart.

“Luz? Sweetie?” 

Slurred, muffled, unfocused, and coated heavily in sleep, like the healer wasn’t quite awake -almost like she was reacting on auto-pilot. A hand blindly crosses the distance between them, fingertips ghosting her chin before skimming up her cheek; feeling the tears spilling down her eyes. “Sweetie?”

Catching the hand on her cheek, Luz rolls to face the healer; only mildly shocked to discover that the healer’s eyes were still closed. It took Luz a minute to realize that Elara was still asleep; that she really was just acting on auto-pilot. Even in sleep she’s a healer. Which _hurts._

“What’s wrong, sweetie? Did you dream?” Her voice was barely above a hum. Elara let out a soft sigh before muttering a string of unintelligible words -Luz catches something about elixirs and self-reflection; healer nonsense, it seemed- and nudged herself deeper into the pillow, her breathing steady and even. 

Luz wiggles until she’s tucked under the healer’s chin, an arm instinctively wrapping around her and drawing her closer; a soft touch of nails scratching the back of her neck in a soothing motion. “I don’t know,” she breathed softly, tortured. “I can’t remember.”

She won’t sleep again, and when the sun rises and the sound of voices fill the house with life, Luz will stick close to Lilith, consumed by a fear she can't quite grasp.

_I won't lose her._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize how long updates take me to post. I know most people get frustrated with long waits. I figure if I can't post once a week or even twice a week, I'll give you something decently long to browse to at least half-way apologize for the length of time! 
> 
> Credit goes to Marauderby for the nickname two-tone. 
> 
> Credit to Fandomhoppingtrash for the SU comparisons and the thought of Lilith just singing 'It's Over, Isn't it?" (No, Lilith sweetie, it's not!)
> 
> Let me know how weird that ending was, because if you thought a plot wasn't around here, SURPRISE!


End file.
